The Infallible Garrr

In the dorsal half of the Kingdom Galactic’s fourth spiral, there is a planetary system officially designated “Sugarplum 6”. Modern records of the system begin about 500 years ago, when it was surveyed by one Grig Sullat; a somewhat notorious figure in the history of galactic cartography. The dozens of celestial objects he named after his granddaughter (both literally and euphemistically) led directly to major revisions in the Naming Rights code. Colloquially, the planet has come to be known as Sugar6.

Few will have heard of this remote system, but it is well known to butchers and eccentric gourmands across the galaxy as the only source of Green Steaks. It is a delicacy even the poorest will have heard of, though in their entire lives most people will never handle enough money to afford even a single bite.

The meat is harvested from Nogrols, a kind of bird native to the Sugar6 system. They’re massive things. An adult can grow to be as large as a starship, with a wingspan to match. They spend most of their lives sunbathing in the space between Sugar6, and its moon, though they migrate down to the planet to mate, and to die; and they migrate to the moon to lay their eggs. How the creatures create thrust in a vacuum is something of a mystery, which sciences seems unlikely to solve anytime soon. No lab in the galaxy has budget enough to purchase even a single Nogrol for dissection.

Norgol beaks are purely defensive adaptations. Any digestive tract the creatures may have had, has long since been discarded by evolution. Norgols subsist entirely on nutrients gathered from the sunlight. Even with the massive surface area of their wings to aid in the process, it is a relatively small amount of energy for such a large creature. This makes Norgols singularly indolent, which in turn leads to meat so tender it practically falls apart in the mouth. Their chlorophyll-infused blood gives the meat the green color and grassy flavor that has made it so renowned.

Hunting Norgols is strictly regulated. Their population is so low, and demand for their meat so high, that they could be made extinct within a month if conservation efforts are not carefully maintained. Hunting licenses are given out one kill at a time by a bureaucratic office stationed  in geosyncronous orbit between the planet and its moon. Poaching is exceedingly rare. Anyone discovered to have purchased Green Steak from an unlicensed vendor is sentenced to be cooked alive, and their meat served to discerning cannibals while they still live. Green Steak is said to be among The King’s favorite dishes, and her government takes the crime of endangering the King’s pleasure very seriously.

If anyone were able to figure out how to breed the Norgols in captivity, they’d have fortune enough to join the 36,000 families.

Regarding the pre-industrial cultures developing on the surface of Sugar6, the most substantive record comes from Grig Sullat’s survey.

Human-like, of apparently recent vintage. Sugarplum 6 may have been seeded as part of a forgotten scientific endeavor.

Briefly, the Norgol Office of Preservation and Hunting Association (NOPHA) entertained a proposal to relocate or eradicate the human populace of Sugar6, to prevent any potential threat they may pose to the Norgol population. But, given that the two species utilized completely separate continents, it was deemed an inefficient use of funds at that time, and the project was shelved.

On the 24th of Fructidor, 31,612 YK, a post-coital herd of Norgol was coming up from the planet. One of these was lagging behind, and appeared to be injured. A bidding war began for the hunting license, which was won by an independent butcher named Andru. As she maneuvered her ship into a position where her bolt lancer could spike the animal’s brain, the Norgol unexpectedly lurched forward. It struck Andru’s ship with its beak, and sent the little ship careening off course.

By the time Andru had righted her vessel, the Norgol’s belly had opened up, and human figures were leaping out. Each was wrapped in furs, and encased in a translucent bit of Norgol intestine. Andru and her crew were so baffled by what they were seeing, it never occurred to them that they were in danger until the figures had latched themselves to the canopy of the butcher’s vessel, and started pounding their primitive picks into the hull.

A few minutes of video record exist of this attack. Once she realized the danger, Captain Andru opened a vidcomm channel to NOPHA station to request help. In this video, it is apparent that the men from the planet below are frighteningly strong. Despite the primitive nature of their weapons, they were able to breach the cockpit, and eventually, make a large enough hole to climb their way inside. They lashed their prize to the corpse of the Norgol they had somehow flown up on, and towed it back down to the planet below.

NOPHA station put out an emergency call to the nearest garrison of the King’s Loyal Soldiers. They did their best to emphasize the urgency of the situation, but the KLS are busy, and how much of a threat could some pre-industrial locals with a rancher’s vessel really pose? It was a few days before a pair of ships were dispatched; one enforcer, and one light troop transport.

They arrived on the 4th of Vendemiaire, and hailed the NOPHA station to receive an update on the situation. When the station didn’t respond, the KLS ships performed a thorough scan of the area, and realized that it was swarming with two dozen Norgol corpse-ships, each one of which had a bolt lancer mounted to it. Presumably salvaged from some of the destroyed butcher vessels that littered the area.

The transport held back and comm’d for help, while the enforcer moved in show the primitives what an armed and armored vessel could do. It blasted through the corpse ships with ruthless efficiency, but the primitive pilots were fearless. They swarmed both of the KLS vessels, piercing their hulls with the bolt lancers. More than half the primitive force was destroyed, but in the end they were victorious. The intruders were slain, ever more corpse ships were being prepared on the surface, and now they could salvage some real weapons. Moreover, they could salvage a pair of hyperlight star drives.

And so, the Kingdom Galactic came to know the scourge of the Garrr.

Men say they climb mountains ‘because they are there,’ but it’s not true. Men climb mountains for profit or glory, not simply because the existence of an obstacle is intolerable to them.

The Garrr do abhor obstacles to that inhuman degree. They do not experience fear or avarice in the same way we do, but there is something about impossibility which motivates them like a mix of the two. If it seems as though something is beyond the grasp of a Garrr, they are compelled to prove that it is not.

Because of this biological quirk, the Garr do not understand failure. They will almost never make statements of intent, because they do not believe they can truly know their intent until they witness the results of their actions. If they strike their thumb with a hammer, or break a vase, or die in battle, then those must have been the actions they were pursuing.

To humans, it may seem like a childish attempt to protect one’s pride. “I meant to do that.” But this is narrow thinking. The Garrr are hardwired with a consequentialist epistemology. They have no concept of “bad deed,” or “incorrect choice.” Whatever happens is the right thing to happen.

Six years ago, the Garrr defeated the sky, and conquered the weaklings who lived beyond the sky. They have since spread to several nearby planets. All who have faced them have fallen, save for those lucky enough to face Garrr who had decided it was time to die. The KLS has proven powerless to stop them so far, but the King’s supply of Green Steak is running low.

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