If you read this post without purchasing Faux Pas, you are stealing! That tactic works to get people to buy things, right? Fuck, I just…I really want you to buy it. I think it will make you happy. It’s only $4 and it comes with a free audio book. Please?
Race-as-class is heckin’ lame! Your species shouldn’t determine what you’re able to do, man. Ya know what else is heckin’ lame? : elves and dwarfs and hobbits halflings! Gnomes are tight, but they’ve been done before. Let’s do somethin’ newwwww!
BUBBLE BOI
“Boi” is a misnomer resulting from our patriarchal society’s ideology of gender essentialism and the male default. Bubble Bois are genderless.
Common folk are terrified by Bubble Bois because they look creepy. To mitigate this, BBs often wear baggy clothes and disguise their faces with flesh colored paint, googly eyes, and bushy mustaches that hide their lack of a mouth. This effort generally just makes them even creepier.
Since they are only slightly heavier than air, Bubble Bois are able to jump pretty much as high and as far as they want, though if they overreach they may be blown off course by a gentle breeze. They’re also pretty much immune to falling damage. Both of these benefits are lost if the BB is ever more than lightly encumbered, which is why many choose to be wizards rather than fighters.
Another reason for preferring the back lines of combat is that Bubble Bois have low manual dexterity. They can carry things just fine, and turn the pages of books well enough, but anything that requires expert use of fingers is going to incur a penalty. Also, if they’re ever struck by a piercing weapon, they must make a saving throw versus instant death. So that’s kind of a bummer.
On the upside, their anatomy has no resemblance whatsoever to humans, so they’re immune to most poisons. If anything, injecting a Bubble Boi with poison just gives them a poison touch ability for while.
SHOULDER CONSCIENCE
Not everyone has a shoulder conscience. Most people’s actions just aren’t cosmically important enough for the spirit world to care what they do one way or the other. So, if you’re playing a shoulder conscience, you’re attached to someone goddamned impressive.
The referee ultimately decides how impressive they are, but it should be pretty big. Maybe when they’re rolling ability scores they roll 5d6, take 3 highest, arrange to taste; while the other players have to roll 3d6 down the line. Maybe they get to level up as two different classes simultaneously. Maybe something else.
The player of the shoulder conscience must pick an extremist alignment. They may be absolutely good, absolutely evil, absolutely lawful, absolutely chaotic, or absolutely something else that seems appropriate. They are a cosmic embodiment of these ideals, there are no half measures here. If they ever stray from this alignment, they will lose 1 influence over their ward.
Whatever alignment the player picks for themselves will be directly opposed by another shoulder conscience. When the player wants their ward to do something, this other guy wants the exact opposite.
Much of the time the player of the shoulder conscience may control their ward directly, as though it were their character. The cosmic forces of right and wrong don’t care what you choose to have for breakfast. However, any time the ward might be conflicted about what to do, the referee should call for a roll. 50/50 chance that the ward does what the player wants, or the opposite of what the player wants.
If the player wins 5 decisions in a row, they gain 1 influence. Now, their ward has a 70% chance to do what they want. If they ever win 10 decisions in a row, their influence increases to 80%. This works the same way in reverse: if you lose 5 decisions in a row, your chance of success decreases to 30%. If you lose 10, it decreases to 20%. All influence resets to 50/50 at the start of a new session.
METAL GURL
To a human observer all Metal Gurls are, indeed, female. Our researchers haven’t been able to identify any anatomical or sociological variations. Yet among themselves, Metal Gurls are able to identify 7 entirely distinct sexes. We’ll just have to take their word for it.
The species is easily identified by their naturally colorful hair and markings. Adults will also have metal spikes growing out of their body somewhere. The particular combination of hair color, skin markings, and spike locations is unique to each individual. No two Metal Gurls are alike.
Any action which could be described as “totally metal” comes naturally to Metal Gurls, and they should receive a significant bonus to success. Note that any action which doesn’t result in significant injury to one’s self cannot be described as “totally metal.”
TWISTED METAL ABOMINATION UNTO GOD
Nobody likes these guys. If you play one, just be aware of that. There’s a lot of prejudice against your people, and all of it is entirely justified. The way you bounce around, twisting your body into different shapes and offering unsolicited advice? It’s gross, and you should be ashamed that you were born this way.
Because of their uncanny ability to manipulate their body’s shape, Twisted Metal Abominations Unto God grapple as though they were 4 levels higher than they are. They also cause any party they’re in to suffer a -6 penalty on initial reaction rolls, because people hate them just that much.
The real reason people hate T-MAUGs is their constant, condescending explanations. They have this primal need to hear themselves talk. It doesn’t matter how good you are at something, or how many times the T-MAUG has seen you do that thing: they will explain it to you anyway.
When a T-MAUG explains how to do something to a person who is already doing it, that person must make a saving throw. If they succeed, their anger inspires them to do a way better job than they normally would in an attempt to prove to the T-MAUG that they don’t need any help. (This never works, but the character still gets a significant bonus to whatever they were attempting).
If the saving throw fails, the target’s anger forces them to make an attack against the T-MAUG with the nearest available weapon.