Session 16: I HAD A TITLE IN MIND BUT IT HAS SLIPPED OUT
Run on December 30, 2020 | Week 16, Year 1
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GOBLIN MARKET:
The party discovered one goblin selling a terribly expensive two-barreled derringer pistol as the latest fashion accessory, and another goblin a few feet away selling a somewhat janky looking home made derringer as “just as good” of a fashion accessory. The party purchaed neither, as they felt they had quite enough guns among themselves.
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Samo, Pearl, Idono, and Aneth who was formerly a ghost girl but is now only a sort of half-ghost, decided today would be a good time to follow the treasure map Samo purchased from the goblin market in session 14. Given their recent proximity to it, the party immediately recognized that the map depicted the 5th sublevel of the dungeon. In the acid room they found that the turtles seemed to have settled in nicely.
(Speaking of the turtles: they also learned during this session that the turtles lived inside the walls in great numbers, and that they had for some while. When she had been a ghost Aneth had been quite familiar with seeing them there both on this level, and the 6th level below. Also, the goo they excrete to make their nests becomes quite large, and smells absolutely unapetizing).
In the room that was formerly Goblar’s trap room, the party discovered that some 2.5 foot tall, scrawny reptilian creatures had moved in. They’d erected some above ground pools, and were in the process of setting up a turtle farming operation. The party made a favorable first impression, learned that the kobolds were nominal servants of the insect dragon Xogthax, though they did not seem particularly devoted. When the party suggested they might wish to make “offerings” to this dragon, the kobolds directed them to an adjacent room which–fortunately enough–was the next one on the path described by the map.
The room was the Kobold’s primary living space. Junk was stacked up around the edges of the room, and dug out to form little hovels for the kobolds to live and sleep in. They’d constructed a statue of Xogthax in the south of the room, with a toilet for the head, and a disco ball sawed in half for his two great compound eyes. Behind Xogthax was a barred door, which the map indicated the party should go through. It also indicated that whatever was beyond the door was “gross.”
The party asked a kobold what was in there, and it turned out the first kobold they grabbed was a naive child who said it was a room “for mommies and daddies.” Another Kobold overheard this, swooped in, and corrected the child: that was the room where the kobolds kept all their bodily waste! Yeah, nasty kobold habit. They really oughta put it into sewer systems like civilized folk, but for some reason they just liked to heap up all their poop and pee and wasn’t that gross and for sure the party would not like to go in there.
The party sniffed at the door, and while it did smell unwholesome, it didn’t smell anything like what the kobold described. None the less, they decided to go around rather than cause any trouble.
In the next room they met The Happy Haberdasher, a hat salesman with a richtus grin who sold a spectral snake-hat to Aneth, a flying guillotine hat to Idono, and a jester’s cap to Pearl. The party continued south and found Santa clause, apparently dead from having tried to wear the Flying Guilotine hat himself. In his sack the party found the floating skull of Bing Crosby, who tried to sing but was very bad at it.
The party moved on to discover yet another barred door, beyond which there was yet more unwholesome sounds! They silently unbarred and peeked through, only to discover two men min the middle of heavy makeouts. It was a small room with six bunks, and the men were both wearing odd guilded shackles on their wrists, legs, and neck. The party thought they might be able to make it across the room without alerting any attention, but the opposite door was locked. Also, they felt very exposed as there was an open portal leading to the South, where there were several dozen other folks in un-guilded shackles, being bullied by an insect person. The party’s attempt to sneak through was noticed by the men, who tried to raise an alarm, but a quick application of Samo’s silence ability, and Pearl’s hammer, put an end to that. The party then attempted to get the door open by freezing the lock with freeon, but just as they were doing this, a pair of folk came through the door they’d entered through: an insect man, and a giant spider, discussing the finer points of how to control human slaves. Idono acted swiftly with his Flying Guilotine, and managed to decapitate the insect man on the first round. Pearl dropped a smoke grenade, and the party escaped.
After navigating a few intersections by trying to push roughly towards where they thought the map would have led them to, the party eventually came to a door with a “Kobold waste storage” sign on it. They burst through to discover huge heaps of eggs all around the room, and four Kobolds engaged in erotic adventures. There was some serious discomforture on all sides of the engagement, and the Kobolds were none too happy to have their work interrupted. Samo gabbed with them, the skull of Bing Crosby crooned to attempt to reassert the mood, while the rest of the party searched the southern wall. The map indicated there should be a door there…and indeed there was. A lever revealed the secret passage into a room with another dragon statue. This one constructed without any toilets, and depicting a more reptilian dragon. It was surrounded by cast iron tubs filled with rations, cup noodles, bullets, and wealth of great variety, including a chef’s knife that resonated with magical portent.
The four kobolds who had been fuckin’ were distressed that Xogthax might learn that they still secretly worshiped a different dragon, and offered to let the players take 1000r worth of treasure from the offering tubs if they would just leave. This seemed inadequate to the players, so they instead overpowered the naked and unarmed kobolds, then filled their inventories with as much treasure as they could carry. The kobolds were none too pleased, since they had hoped to be able to finally deliver these offerings to their god, since it would soon be reincarnated.
The kobolds seemed quite certain that their God would be reborn soon, but would not elaborate further.
Aneth used her half-spectral powers to push the bar off the door back into the main kobold living space, and the party bolted back towards the elevator with their ill gotten gains. It is safe to say the Kobolds will probably attack the party on sight in any future encounters.
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LOOT: 6100r worth of bullets, food, and batteries. Comes out to 1525 each.
Also a chef’s knife which imparts significant cooking skill to whomever wields it, but which will lose all enchantments if it is ever used for violence.
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Flying Guilotine Hat:
Deals d4 damage on a successful hit. When a 19 is rolled against a humanoid target, the target is allowed a saving throw, and if it is failed, then the wielder may use their next turn to decapitate the target. On a 20 they may instantly decapitate automatically.
Session 17: Uncomfortably Polite Encounters with Nazi Mummies
Run on January 13, 2021 | Week 17, Year 1
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GOBLIN MARKET:
Now deemed passe, but none the less worth visiting, the party discovered barrels filled with pear pitts (apparently pears have those in the apocalypse), sticky children’s toys, burlap sacks filled with feathers, a cuiras of goblin make which allows the wearer to become insubstantial but immobile, and a collection of plays published in 2030, shortly before the Apocalypse, with themes of environmentalism, the slow death of the earth, searching for new life, and distrust of authority.
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After purchasing the book of late-pre-apocalypse plays from the Goblin Market for 160r, the party spent some time trying to convince the goblin vendor that the squiggles within books have meaning. The goblin, a self described squiggler himself, maintained that definite meaning in squiggles was a conspiracy theory that demeaned the purity of the art. The party then went upstairs to deliver the collection of plays to the Bovines. The two Bovine Femmes on guard duty seemed quite happy to see the party, and even happier to accept the gift they offered. During this conversation the party put significant effort into defaming the reputations of the Kobolds on level 5, spreading all manner of lies about their peculiar habits, their sexual congress with robots, and their intense loathing for mammals in general and bovines in particular. The two Bovine guards were surprised and offput by the information, but seemed to believe it.
From here the party ventured down to level 4, which they had not yet explored very thoroughly. They talked their way past the overly friendly robots at the entry by pretending to be robots themselves. In further rooms they discovered a room filled with leaking sewage pipes, a non-functioning giant saw positioned over a conveyor belt, some giant bees similar to those employed by Bogdar, and a mechanical device which appeared to be maintaining a portal to some different part of the dungeon which was garrishly decorated with gore.
The party was considering the portal, and how they might handle the pack of vicious-looking dogs beyond it, when two squads of uniformed undead entered the room the portal led to. They were garbed identically to the stormtroopers the party encountered in session 8. The party presented themselves nonthreateningly, and the undead approached likewise. Notably, the first one through the portal slid something out of the way, and the second slid it back in place, but the party couldn’t see what it was. The leader indicated to the party that it was a good thing they’d been encountered here in in no-man’s-land. If they’d been in the territory of Adolphus the Hateful the undead would have been forced to kill them.
In the ensuing parley the party learned a lot of little details about what the expeirence of being undead is like (simialr to being alive, but generally less distracting), and Samo wrote another letter to be delivered to Adolphus with regards to meeting for a wizard’s parley. This group seemed to recognize Samo’s name, but the party didn’t inquire as to why that might be. The undead then left the room, going back the way the party had come.
Eager to find some treasure before the end of the session, the party pushed on into one more room, and encountered a crowd composed of Bovines, Goblins, and Giant Spiders, who were placing bets on rats to race through a maze. They arrived just at the beginning of a lengthy round-robin tournament, and were able to get in on the betting real early. The bets started small, and the party participated fairly. By popular consensus, it was assumed that their wins and losses broke even until the final race. The party decided to put all their money on the wild, drugged-out-looking silver painted rat which was the best the Goblins had to offer. Pearl used her ability to throw her voice to frighten the rat away from incorrect paths. This minor cheating wasn’t noticed in all the noise, particularly after the party had spent so many previous matches not cheating. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Not only did the rat fail to win the race, but it flopped down dead from being drugged.
Idoru immidately made a great show of passion, potentially threatening violence! Pearl also used her transfixing voice to draw everyone’s attention away as Samo quickly animated the dead rat. With perfect control over it he sent it direct towards the goal, and JUST by the skin of their teeth the party’s favorite rat won the race. They collected their winnings and skeedadled back up to the surface.
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LOOT: 11,400r in ill-gotten gambling winnings. 3800r of that went back to the individuals who had contributed the seed money (2000r to Samo, 1000r to Pearl, 500 from Muscles, and 300 from Aneth). The remaining 7600r was divided evenly between the whole party (Samo, Pearl, Aneth, Idoru, Muscles) for 1520 each.
RELATIONSHIPS: Bovines +1
Session 18: Technically a 12 /or/ Frame Perfect Snake Skip
Run on January 27, 2021 | Week 18, Year 1
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GOBLIN MARKIT:
Among the jewelry made from bubble gum wrappers, board games with missing pieces, and boxes of printer paper, the party found a goblin selling a rocket powered sledgehammer for 400r, and another selling a potion of ESP for 220r.
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The party began the session by visiting the Goblin Market and purchasing a potion of ESP. As they went to leave, a goblin got Samo’s attention and delivered a letter from Adolphus the Hateful which read only “Stop bothering my mummies.”
With the express goal of forcing the referee to improvise levels of the dungeon which do not yet exist, the party agreed among themselves to “speedrun” as many rooms as they could in an effort to find the way down to levels 7-12. They began by descending to level six, which they had not visited since the very first session of the game. They ignored the undead scientists going about their tasks, and headed West. They found a cyborg woman with the look of a supermodel standing over the body of a swordsman. She took note of the fact that the party consisted of a woman, a little girl, a rat person, and a robot (Idono & his hat), and seemed pleased enough to meet them. They asked if they could take the dead guy’s swords, and she didn’t care.
In the next room they found a dead cyborg woman of different, but equally conventionally gorgeous appearance. They skipped on by to the next room, where a giant sorta-dumb AI was still worried about the Russians the party had warned it about in session 1, and had two T-800 lookin’ fellas on hand to keep guard. With some smooth talking and the first of many reaction rolls that got modified up to a 12, Samo convinced the robot to loan the party one of the warbots, which he strapped a backpack to and rode on for the rest of the session. They also convinced the security bot to show them a map to the elevator which led down to levels 7-12. Unfortunately the map was scrambled, so while they could see the boarders of the map, the bright dot that represented their location, and the bright dot that represented their goal, they couldn’t actually see any of the rooms in between. Or any of the rooms at all, really, it was just snow and static.
The party scooted right on past Globin’s shop, down a long corridor to a spot where they were accosted by the giant stone head that vomits zombies a la Zardoz. Samo managed to wrest control of a bunch of the undead away from the head, but they were unable to deal debilitating damage to it, even from inside its mouth. The party continued on by to the south, where they encountered a room filled with spiked pit traps. Tapping their way cautiously through the room, the party were in prime position to be ambushed by The Trauma Leech. It picked up both Pearl and Idoru, pulling traumatic experiences to the surface of their minds, which dealt a terrifying amount of wisdom damage. The party employed a great diversity of tactics here: dealing some damage to the Trauma Leech, Pearl ate her mysterious spongey green mushroom from session 14, and it caused her limbs to grow 5 feet longer, and become dramatically stronger, which helped significantly when the Leech dropped her. What finally sent the leech scurrying away was when the ESP potion purchased earlier was opened and hurled into its mouth, so the party could assail it with good feelings. They weren’t feeling quite good enough to really do much damage to it in this way, but they did cause it to flee the field. Everyone brushed off their knees and pushed on.
They came upon a room with bleeding walls, and then saw a room where a bunch of undead zombies similar to those employed by Adolphus were operating an inscrutable machine of flesh and sinew. At this point they figured that it was unlikely they’d be able to reach the elevator by continuing on in this direction. They needed to go West, but all the corridors and rooms were trending further east. They returned swiftly to the intersection between Globin’s Shop and where they’d encountered the Zombie-Vomiting-Zardoz-Head. (There were fortunately no encounters as they did this.)
They rushed somewhat headlong into the next room, which they realized only too late was the location of the same robot snake which had fucked them up during the first session. They managed to get surprise on the snake, and used this opportunity to just…walk past it into the next room. Single file. As they slipped through they noticed two things: the snake had clearly been repaired, and the snake was accompanied by yet a third gorgeous cyborg woman, this one wielding a chainsaw halberd.
Unfortunately for the party, their masterful snake skip was cut short when they discovered that the next room was criss-crossed by a tangled web of laser tripwires. An attempt was made to send zombies through, but the moment they touched a beam, the light from it intensified to cutting strength, sliced through the zombie, and then every lazer in the room rotated around to angle itself towards a different receptor. The room also had a big yellow key on the East side of it, similar to the blue one they’d discovered in session 9.
By now the robot snake was behind them, the supermodel cyborg on its back with chainsaw halberd held threateningly. It looked like the party was about to get their comeuppance for injuring the snake in session 1. But, as it happens, the only player characters still alive and present from that time were Samo and Pearl. Since then Pearl had been de-aged several years, and was currently under the effects of a mushroom that made her gangly and beefy. Also, since Samo’s player had actually left the first session before the snake was encountered, Samo could reasonably be ruled to not have been present at all. Also all the damage to the snake had been done by Tarna, who was no longer with the party, also the party got yet another modified 12 reaction roll.
So instead of sweet sweet revenge, the Supermodel Cyborg and the Snake agreed that their early hostility was a case of mistaken identity. They asked that the party knock next time they want to come through. The party returned to the surface then, dropping off the cyborg they’d borrowed on their way home.
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LOOT:
Swords: Katana, Wakazashi, Tonto, Kukri, Kopesh
HIRLING INVENTORY:
Plucky & Muscles are both feelin’ fine.
RELATIONSHIPS:
R.S.B.’s: +1
Adolphus the Hateful: -2
HOOKS:
What’s the deal with these colorful keys?
What was that inscrutable machine the undead were operating?
Where did the Trauma Leech go?
Who are these mysterious sexy cyborg women?
Why doesn’t Adolphus want to meet with Samo?
Session 19: “I Resonate With Eating Everything That’s Left and Then Dying”
Run on February 10, 2021 | Week 19, Year 1
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Goblin Market: Among all the soiled suspenders, pencil nubs, and empty plastic food wrappers, the party found a temporally displaced halberd which deals no damage when it hits, but 2d6 damage the round after it hits. They didn’t buy any of that, but there was a talking cat named Gorgeous which they purchased the contract for at the end of the session for 140r.
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After starting an argument about the Holy Sandwich Schedule among the goblins, the party descended to the sixth sublevel of the dungeon. They intended to visit the faction of gorgeous cyborg women, and quickly made their way the the first rooms of that level. They paused only to pick up Samo’s robot companion Sarah, and to try to convince the dimwitted security AI to open the pornographic folders left on its servers (Bone File, Dark Forces Backups, Pictures of Spiders, & Tax Documents). It refused, and the party got a little ruffled by its audacity. It ought to better recognize their authority by now.
On their way to the RSB’s territory, the party stopped by to see Globin the Goblin, the shopkeep they’d met in their first session. As it turned out, Globin had left! It wasn’t clear if he’d done so voluntarily or not, but the place was thoroughly cleaned out. Even the safes were opened and looted. The only object of any value the players found was a tin soda can with its branding scrubbed off and replaced by magic sigils which indicated that it contained a potion of Barkskin +4.
While exploring here, a heap of ceramic santas was knocked over, causing a raucous ruckus that echoed through the halls. Assuming this would attract unwanted attention, the party spent a little time arraying themselves themselves for an ambush. Indeed, shortly thereafter, the Trauma Leech they’d faced the previous session arrived. The party made some very good rolls, and sent the thing scurrying away after a single round of attacks. (During which Pearl The Little Girl fired her AK-47, the announcement of which sent the party into peals of laughter). They pursued and cut the creature down before it moved too far.
Unfortunately, the great noise had actually attracted TWO creatures, one arriving shortly after the other. A glowing spectral bell-shaped thing. Fortunately, Samo was able to make a really excellent reaction roll which—combined with his necromancy abilities, and in particular his ability to see spiritual energies invisible to other characters—turned this second encounter into a protracted academic discussion. The bell creature was, in fact, a sort of polycule of folks who had killed themselves in an attempt to figure out how to maintain something of their identities beyond death. They now exist as a hive mind creature. They did not have a great deal to teach Samo about being a living necromancer, but were able to show him the method by which they consumed the spiritual matter leaving the body of the Trauma Leech, which in turn allowed Samo to siphon off a bit into himself, which he held in one of his empty spell slots.
The party then dragged the great heaping corpse of the Trauma Leech to the elevator. Some errant rats devoured 600r worth of its meat when the party wasn’t looking, but they none the less got it up to the town, where it was chopped up and shared with much celebration. Idoru postured at some cool kids, but they laughed at her for being a dungeon delving nerd instead of a cool kid. She said she’d murder them, and they left to talk privately about how much she sucks.
The party then popped down to the Goblin Market. Idoru purchased the contract of Gorgeous the Cat, who talked a great deal about the various inadequacies of living among goblins. Idoru visited the goblin tinkerer, a very person, to construct some leather-and-razorblade mittens for Gorgeous, so she could be more effective in combat. Gorgeous is stoked on this.
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LOOT:
11,400r worth of meat from the Trauma Leech.
2,850 each of rations /or/ xp for Samo, Pearl, Idoru, & Idono
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HIRELING VIBES:
Muscles, Plucky: Totally fine. This is good times.
Bing Crosby: Feeling Forgotten
Gorgeous: This is all new, but seems neat.
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HOOKS:
-Where did Globin go?
-What can Samo do with the spiritual essence he absorbed?
-Will the cool kids preemptively murder Idoru?
-What kinda porn is the Dimwitted Security AI hiding?
Session 20: “I Throw the Orange Crush at the Mysterious Mural”
Run on February 24, 2021 | Week 20, Year 1
GOBLIN MARKET:
Among cracked ceramic dolphins, soiled mattresses, and jars of pigs feet, the party found a goblin performing clumsy martial twirls with a long metal scroll case, in which they found a scroll describing the Hydra Stance technique. Their much bruised companion forced the clumsy twirler to sell the tube for a mere 600r. The party also found another goblin wearing a folded treasure map as a hat, which they purchased for 100r.
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As the party left the Goblin Market, they were accosted by The Accountability Goblin. Apparently this is a special priest of the Goblin Sub Religion, well known among dungeon denizens. The wizened old goblin had been directed by his divinations to select the party’s newest member, Gregory. The AG asked Gregory to declare some goal for himself, and Gregory–a shy young emo cleric–decided he would step outside his boundaries and sing to a stranger. The Accountability Goblin followed quietly behind the party, to ensure Gregory did as he had promised.
Eager to make additional progress on the 6th level of the dungeon, the party went down there with their slightly-less-fresh edible arrangement basket, and knocked on the door which led into Rogue Sexbot Territory. They were greeted amicably by the room’s two guardians: Ahkin the RSB, and Nagnor the giant robot snake. They conducted a brief and amicable parley (during which Gregory sang, and earned her blessing from the Accountability Goblin).
The party learned that there is indeed another elevator nearby, in the territory of The Children Who Can’t Help But Be Creepy. While these folk are allied to the RSBs, and would probably allow the party to access the elevator, it is protected by incredibly accurate and aggressive automated gun turrets. So brutal that they’ll kill a person before the door to the room is even halfway open. The party considered that the security AI near the entrance to level 6 might have some control over these, but it lacked any knowledge of them. Since the party had no means by which they thought they could bypass this barrier at present, they set off to explore the dungeon in another direction.
They slipped through the pit room where they first encountered the Trauma Leech, popped then into the room with bleeding walls just long enough to determine that the room had a spiritual essence, but no mind. They headed East until they encountered warnings about nearing the territory of Adolphus the Hateful. Deciding they didn’t want to go that way, the party turned down a different path and found themselves in a room with a giant mural on its walls: an idealized depiction of a medival hamlet. Idoru was the first to touch the painting, and disappeared instantaneously. One by one the party touched the painting, and each found themselves transported within its world.
The village seems real enough on the inside. Pleasant compared to the real world, if painfully cliched. It is bounded on two sides by a dense forest, on one side by a range of mountains, and on the third side by a great expanse of water. These barriers form an almost perfect square shape between them where the village and surrounding pasture land rest.
Idoru instantly got to bullying people, and predictably they called upon the toughest guy around to stop her: a fighter named Regdar. Regdar and Idoru fought in more-or-less one-on-one combat. But then it looked like Idoru would lose, so the party intervened to help her murder Regdar. When even that wasn’t enough, Idoru pretended to surrender so Regdar would let down his guard, then she threw a sword into his face.
While this was going on, Samo poked around town. He visited Cyricus’ General Store, where he didn’t find anything of note. Even the stuff kept hidden behind the counter was relatively benign. He did, however, learn that the town had once had a troublemaking magician who lived in it, but that this person was gone. Samo was directed to his house, but has not yet investigated it.
The party looted Regdar’s corpse, then moved their stuff into his house, and settled in to rest there. The location was ruled to be safe enough that it does not count as ending the session in the dungeon.
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LOOT:
-60 gold coins
-Rod of Creature Detection. Allows them to be seen through walls. d6 exhaustion die.
-Ring of Spider Climb
-Gregory has been blessed by The Accountability Goblin. When next he must make a saving throw, it will automatically succeed.
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INJURIES:
-Idoru’s max HP is reduced by 6.
-Sarah (the T-800-esque robot) has suffered a severe failure in her left arm’s hydraulics.
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NEW RULES:
Hydra Stance – In addition to the rigorous studies and exercises the scroll describes, its final instruction requries that the student who wishes to understand Hydra Stance must endure a deadly combat in which they take no aggressive action. They must protect their companions with their body, and meditate in the stillnesses which follow each injury. Once they’ve taken three blows this way, they will fully understand Hydra Stance.
A fighter who has learned this technique may shift into Hydra stance at will, and must remain there for 1 full round (party action + foe action) before leaving it again. While in this stance, any damage they take grants them an instantaneous riposte action. However, if a foe rolls a 20 while attacking them, the blow is instantly fatal.
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VIBES:
-Muscles & Gorgeous: Having a decent time.
-Plucky: Idoru discomforts her.
-Bing Crosby: Annoyed at being locked in a box.
-Pet Turtles: Annoyed at Bing Crosby’s catterwalling.
-Rogue Sexbots: Peaceful contact has been made.
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HOOKS:
-What’t the deal with this painted town?
-Could the painted town’s food be used to feed the surface folk?
-What consequences will there be for killing Regdar?
-Who is this troublemaker that left town before the party arrived?