Category: Tables & Miscallaneous

d100 Objects of Moderate Value

We already know that coins are boring treasure. I mean, a sack of gold is fine now and again, but in general, treasure is a lot cooler when it’s some kind of valuable object.

I’ve got this bad habit, though. Anytime I go to make a treasure object, I make something of phenomenal quality. An item whose manufacture exceeds what ought to be possible with the technology available in my game world. It’s fun to let your imagination run wild, and describe solid gold cat statue of perfect lifelike quality. But when you go wild describing an object, you’ve got to give it an impressive value in coins to match. And before you know it you’ve unbalanced your game’s economy again.

It’s more interesting if treasure is down to earth. Something the player can expect to earn a few hundred coin for; but not the lost opus of some ancient master craftsperson. In the end it just makes sense if most valuable objects are a little bit mundane.

  1. An unfinished painting commissioned for a duchess who died before it could be completed. The painting is only a little more than half done.
  2. A tribal mask from a far off land, carved from a single piece of wood.
  3. A brass tree, with many twisting branches of thick wire. Tree is flat, meant to hang on a wall.
  4. An ancient clay vase, cracked down the side. Was clearly decorated at one time, but most of the paint has chipped off.
  5. A 4′ picture frame of mahogany, inlayed with pearls at each corner. No picture inside of it.
  6. An intact piece of old correspondence which sheds some light on a minor historical mystery.
  7. An erotic candelabra depicting a nude woman with her back arched, and her breasts pointing straight up. A pair of candles can be mounted where her areola ought to be.
  8. The embroidered green vestments a priest might wear on special holy days.
  9. An erotic sundial depicting a man reclining, with a large erection casting a shadow on the disc.
  10. A jewlery box of birch, with braided steel trim. The box is empty.
  11. A fine wood chalice with gold inlaid on the interior of the cup. Religious symbols are carved into the base.
  12. A steel monstrance with eight rays radiating from the center. The hinge is rusted shut.
  13. An oversized stein, large enough that it would be difficult to lift safely to your lips with one hand. Decorated with art of men on horseback hunting a boar.
  14. A small ivory bust depicting a veiled woman on one side, and a skeleton on the other.
  15. A silver hairbrush, decorated with spiral ivy patterns. Most of the bristles are missing.
  16. A jade comb with a simple spiral pattern at the center. Has one missing tooth.
  17. Steel thinning-shears with a gold handle.
  18. A steel hand mirror with a handle shaped to look like an angel. The angels wings rise up on either side to frame the glass, their points meeting at the top. The glass is cracked, but usable.
  19. A decorative dagger sheath, with silver inlays, and spiral patterns imprinted into the leather.
  20. A decorative longsword scabbard, dyed blue with a crisscrossing lattice of gold thread binding it.
  21. A single tile, clearly meant to be one of many. It depicts a castle tower, with a guard standing on it. The side of a tree is also visible. The art is superb.
  22. A stack of decorative tiles, decorated with swirling blue patterns. A few are cracked, but most are in perfect condition.
  23. An oversized, ornamental key made of tin. Clearly meant as a trophy, rather than as a functional key.
  24. A steel chamberpot. It has been embossed to look like the head of some villainous person or other in caricature. It’s unlikely you’d be able to find anyone who was familiar with the person depicted, and it’s probably the result of some personal grudge.
  25. A lyre, carved with small depictions of birds along the left side of it.
  26. A birdcage of brass wire, twisted to look similar to wood. An occasional brass leaf protrudes from the wire.
  27. A cross made of several woods, which have been polished and pressed together.
  28. A marble bust of Virgil.
  29. A woodcarving of a bear with a sword in its mouth. Meant to hang on a wall.
  30. A distinct warbanner, colored green with two strikes of yellow and one of black. This is one of many once used by a famous army of conquest, which many of the player’s grandparents likely fought with, or against.
  31. A 1′ by 8″ portrait of a woman, perhaps a merchant’s wife. It is painted with skill, but the subject is of no great significance.
  32. A bronze elephant, raising its trunk into the air. It is hollow, and made with no great skill, but still attractive.
  33. A clay circle inlaid with a variety of smooth stones. The stones form a simple spiral, with larger stones towards the center. The item has no obvious function.
  34. A ceramic pitcher, painted tan and brown, and adorned with a simple painting depicting the coronation of a king.
  35. A wooden statuette of a ram, about 1.5′ long. It’s light weight, and painted to more closely resemble the animal.
  36. A single arm, broken off of a lovely chandelier. Brass, plated with gold, decorated with a dangling chain of crystal from the tip.
  37. An artist’s sketchbook. The artist is signed “H.G.,” and doesn’t conform to any widely known style. But some of the pieces are quite good.
  38. A parish bible, complete with painted scenes, fancy lettering, and gilded pages.
  39. An unpublished Hymn, written in the handwriting of a moderately well known composer of hymns from 60 years ago.
  40. A lost manuscript written by Catherine Parr, titled “The Lamentations of a Gleeful Sinner.” Apparently an early draft of her later published work.
  41. An ancient game. There’s a block of wood with six peg holes in a circle, one peg carved from ivory, and four dice, each of which is painted with a skull on a single side. Evidently there are some missing pieces.
  42. A lantern with small paintings of birds on the glass. When lit, these birds appear as shadows on the walls.
  43. A recipe for preparing halibut with cabbage, sugar, and pigs feet. A note, scrawled at the bottom like a signature, reads “Fit for a king!”
  44. A bronze sphere of exceeding smoothness. It is remarkable in just how perfectly spherical it is.
  45. A leather scroll, on which is printed an ancient formulation of a mathematical proof. A proof which was lost, and only rediscovered a dozen or so years prior to now.
  46. A leather satchel with gold-colored silk inlays, a silver tie cord, and an intricate braid pattern pyrographed around the outside.
  47. A marble head. The neck is jagged, and was clearly broken off of a larger statue. Knowledgeable players may recognize the head as being a depiction of a man whose memory was banned 150 years ago. While the law is still technically on the books, no one takes it seriously anymore.
  48. A richly appointed pair of trousers. Dyed black, with a pair of gold braided cords down the right leg, and a single red braided cord down the left leg.
  49. A neck chain with thick, heavy links. Mounted on the chain is a large cross of polished mahogany.
  50. A hanging wooden sign for the Cobbler’s Knee Pub, stolen long ago from the establishment where an infamous assassination took place, setting off a decade long war.
  51. A refracted glass cylinder with small wooden birds and cotton clouds within it. As you walk around it, the refraction of the glass make it appear to contain gently drifting clouds.
  52. A belt buckle depicting a cheerful dog. The belt coming through the buckle would look like the dog’s tongue.
  53. A pair of ceramic hands mounted to a base. Between the fingers is a silver thread, held in an elaborate string-figure pattern.
  54. A chunk of marble from what was once a beautiful statue. It depicts a hand grasping some piece of flesh. The way the fingers indent the flesh shows exceedingly superb craftsmanship.
  55. A housecat-sized statue of an ant, made from tin. The statue is mounted on a cedar base, and has pearls for eyes.
  56. A key, the handle of which depicts a blacksmith swinging two hammers. The shaft and teeth of the key depict the haft and head of the hammers.
  57. A censer shaped to resemble a funeral pyre. The ‘body’ can be raised to fill the container with incense, and the smoke rises from slats between the ‘wood’.
  58. A small collection of 2d6 pewter figures of knights in armor, shown  in different battle postures.
  59. A glass bottle with a tiny cottage built inside of it. There is dirt, and fake grass. The cottage is simple, of the sort that people lived in a few hundred years ago.
  60. A bit of silver shaped to look exactly like an acorn. Exactly.
  61. A fragment of a tablet. Something is written on it in a pictograph language. The language is known, but has never yet been translated.
  62. A coin purse filled with false teeth. There are ivory, wood, steel, silver, and gold teeth. Several of each.
  63. A ceramic statue of a horse, about 4′ tall. It is crudely shaped, limited by the artistic expertise of an earlier era, but that history lends it a sense of gravitas.
  64. A fine box with a silver clasp and velvet lining. The box contains a crystal inkwell, a small knife meant for cutting quills, and a small book detailing the best way to pick and to cut quills.
  65. The nameplate of a ship. Players with any knowledge of history may recognize the ship’s name as being among 77 that were sunk during a great battle some 25 years ago.
  66. A simple brick mounted on a plaque. The plate indicates that this brick was once part of a very famous building, demolished some 43 years ago.
  67. A sword, rusted into complete uselessness. Notably, the design of the sword is one that has not been common for some 500+ years. Despite it’s condition, it is a valuable antique.
  68. A wooden box filled with carefully organized tools of good quality–drills, a hammer, files, and the like. These are a set of carpenter’s tools for a true craftsman. The sort of set that would be purchased once, and used throughout their whole lives, then be passed on to their children.
  69. A ceramic teapot of great delicacy, with a meadow scene painted on the side of it.
  70. A clay tablet with the cycles of the moon etched into it. Beneath that is a depiction of a lunar calendar plotted out for several hundred years. The last year plotted was 18 years prior.
  71. A glasswork lightning bolt, tinted a metallic sort of yellow. The bolt is fused to a clear, flat base, also made of glass.
  72. A chamber pot with a primitive depiction of pooping kings all around the outside of it.
  73. A steel bell embossed with images of clumsy stupid servants running around, failing to perform their duties competently.
  74. A milking stool of unusual quality. It has a padded seat, gold tassels, and ornately carved legs resembling praying cows.
  75. A birdcage of delicate reeds, arranged with perfection.
  76. A quilt large enough to cover any bed the players have ever seen three times over. Each patch is completely unique, and depicts some scene from rural life.
  77. A heavy steel lock. In inscription, in Latin, warns thieves to stay away or be struck down by Mars.
  78. A crude fasces. Several of the rods are cracked at the base, but it is otherwise in good condition.
  79. A blue Mitre, with knee-length tassels dangling from either side, and an embroidered white sun on the front.
  80. A single chess pawn. It obviously comes from what would have been an amazingly ornate chess set. Even this single small piece is crafted in bronze, affixed with a wireframe soldier on one side, and capped with a large pearl.
  81. A pair of manacles ill-suited to restraint. The links are loops of silk, and the cuffs themselves are polished wood, padded with cloth on the inside, and closed with leather straps.
  82. A roll of cloth containing a collection of 33 stone knives. The knives range from apparently very old and dull, to relatively recent and sharp.
  83. A phallus of leather and clay, with a wooden core. Stitched to perfection.
  84. An arrow of red, with peacock-feather fetching, and a heart-shaped ruby tip. Obviously non-functional.
  85. A large glass jug, sealed with a cork. Within is a functioning miniature biome, complete with dirt, plants, and a moisture cycle.
  86. A cylindrical steel container, shaped like a tiny angry man. The top of his head can be pulled off to open the container.
  87. A paintbrush with a jade handle, encircled with a braid pattern. The bristles are horse hair.
  88. A life-size statue of a woman, which appears to be made of stone. It’s crudely done, but notable in that it is remarkably light. Perhaps enchanted in some way, or made of some unknown material. It can easily be carried by a single person, though it is still oversize and awkward to hold.
  89. A handwritten & illustrated book describing some 350 fictional monsters. The disturbed ravings of a madman, but none the less an item of intense curiosity to the right buyer.
  90. A dogwhistle shaped like a running dog,
  91. A false nose, made of ivory, and held to the face by two leather straps that go around behind the head.
  92. A barometer, along with a leather-bound book written by an unknown German woman who experimented extensively with the strange device she inadvertently invented.
  93. A taxidermy mouse with tiny diamonds for eyes.
  94. A freestanding suit of plate armor, 3′ tall, with human proportions.
  95. A set of table silverware. Each spoon, fork, and knife has a tiny human face carved into the pommel. Each face is unique, and they display a range of emotions.
  96. A Grecian wine bowl, with pornographic images at the bottom. When you tilt the bowl back to drink, you also get to see dicks and tits!
  97.  A reproduction of a famous piece of art. It’s not really convincing enough to fool any but the completely uncultured.
  98. A map made by an ancient people of a now well-populated area. The map is crude, but has historical value.
  99. A sadomasochistic erotic novel written by Isabella of Castile
  100. A star chart on a roll of leather. Clearly made by a people who did not need to use leather, but chose to for ceremonial reasons.

d100 Curses

Curses are cool. Open a sealed tomb? You get a curse! Kill a wizened old crone? You get a curse! Plunder a wealthy monastery? Everybody gets a curse!

Here are 100 of them.

  1. The cursed must get proper permission before entering any domicile.
  2. The cursed will always close their eyes in the presence of fire.
  3. Anytime the cursed walks through a doorway, they will thoughtlessly slam it behind themselves, causing a racket and possibly knocking nearby items off shelves.
  4. If the cursed sees a knot, they are compelled to untie it.
  5. The cursed cannot get wet. If they do, their most important concern becomes drying themselves as soon as possible.
  6. The cursed is mesmerized by any form of performance art they encounter. They are unable to continue on until it ends, or they are dragged away from it.
  7. The cursed may never sit for any reason.
  8. Nobody remembers the cursed between meetings. Each time they encounter someone, that person believes it is the very first time.
  9. Everyone who meets the cursed seems to recall hearing stories about them. These stories paint the picture of an unreliable, cruel, and evil person.
  10. Any money that the cursed doesn’t spend the same day the get it, disappears.
  11. Compasses don’t work within 100′ of the cursed.
  12. The cursed can be turned by clerics as though they were undead. If a friendly cleric turns undead, they are not able to exempt the cursed.
  13. Every coin that passes through the hand of the cursed transforms into a less valuable metal. (Platinum turns to gold, gold to silver, silver to copper, copper to steel, etc).
  14. A permanent raincloud drizzles on the head of the cursed. Each week they must roll a save versus Breath to avoid rusted equipment. (In addition to other annoyances which would occur).
  15. The cursed’s shoes wear out within 4 hours. They must carry spare pairs unless they wish to adventure barefooted. Adventuring without shoes reduces max hp by 1 per hit die.
  16. The cursed sleeps for 16 hours each day, instead of 8.
  17. The cursed’s reflection shows a gaunt, dead thing. Not even a living corpse, just a corpse propped up in roughly the same position the cursed is currently in. Others who notice this will be horrified.
  18. There will never be any lodging available in any town the cursed visits.
  19. The gender of the cursed is randomly determined each morning.
  20. The cursed gains a crippling weakness against common dogs. A dog’s bite is so poison to them, that they must make a save versus poison or die.
  21. Anytime the cursed takes more than 3 damage in a single round the wind is knocked out of them. They must save versus Poison or they won’t be able to do any more than move during their next turn.
  22. The cursed cannot hold their breath. Ever. At all. For any reason.
  23. Any time a save is called for, the cursed rolls their worst save instead of the save that was intended.
  24. Anytime the cursed is in a private residence, they will accidentally break something the owner holds dear.
  25. Any time anyone at the game table coughs or sneezes, the cursed is consumed by a loud and obnoxious coughing / sneezing fit in-game. To the point that people start to think they’re faking it for attention or something.
  26. The cursed’s dietary needs are altered so they can only be sustained by animals that people care about: horses, cats, dogs, etc. Nobody needs to care about the specific animal eaten, so long it is of a type that people in the area generally keep as pets.
  27. Anything experienced by the cursed while alone is entirely fictional. The only real experiences they have are those shared by at least one other member of the party.
  28. The cursed loses all concept of table manners. They eat in the most disgusting way imaginable.
  29. The cursed character becomes hyper-sensitive to changes in air pressure. They cannot travel more than 20′ vertically in a day without becoming light headed and weak.
  30. All clothing becomes unbearably itchy. The cursed must go about naked or suffer from constant discomfort.
  31. The cursed attracts biting insects and rashes to their body; and thus they itch constantly. They are completely incapable of sitting still, and anytime it might be required they fidget and scratch and rub themselves against things. Contorting themselves to reach difficult itches.
  32. Everything the cursed says comes out as sarcastic and disrespectful.
  33. The cursed has intermittent super strength, allowing them to punch through stone walls and stomp their foes into the ground. This power only manifests itself when the cursed least desires it. This causes simple, ordinary actions to become destructive. The referee will judge which actions have this ‘benenfit’ after the fact.
  34. Everything that the cursed says must rhyme. If they fail, they’ll take 1 point of damage each time.
  35. The cursed cannot abide the presence of the opposite gender, and must either fight, or excuse themselves from the area if they encounter one.
  36. Each non-cursed member of the group (including the referee) should be asked to name a common word. These words are then put onto a list, kept in common view of the whole table. If the cursed speaks any of these words during play, their character takes 1 point of damage to a random ability score.
  37. The player to the right of the cursed should name a letter. The cursed cannot use any words which begin with that letter, on pain of suffering 1 point of damage each time they do so.
  38. If the cursed uses an edged weapon, they will cut themselves after every fail attack roll, dealing half weapon damage.
  39. The cursed grows a pair of gills, and can now only breathe in water.
  40. The cursed must make an original pun each game day. Any days in which they fail to do this, they are struck by lightning.
  41. The cursed must reroll all their ability scores each morning. 3d6, in order.
  42. If the cursed is a caster, they may now only access the spells of a different casting class. Magic Users can only prepare Cleric spells. Clerics can only prepare MU spells. Other casters are restricted to the spells of whatever spellcasting class is deemed most opposed to their own. If the cursed is not a caster, reroll their curse.
  43. Between sessions, the cursed goes on uncontrollable drunken adventures that they then have no memory of. Each session starts with a hangover, and a new injury.
  44. The cursed becomes trapped in whatever clothes they’re currently wearing. Characters wearing armor will suffer mounting penalties after being forced to sleep in their armor for long periods. If the cursed was not wearing any armor at the time the curse took hold, they will still become ever smellier, and more offensive to civilized folk.
  45. If music is played, the cursed must dance to it. Even if it’s just enemy wardrums.
  46. The cursed’s face turns into a ceramic mask, fitted over exposed muscle and bone.
  47. Any boat the cursed boards will be blown off course and shipwrecked far from where it was supposed to be.
  48. The cursed is compelled to break any glass they see.
  49. Pack animals hate the cursed, and will flee or attack if the cursed is near.
  50. Instead of food, the cursed subsists off of making people cry.
  51. Anyone who spends the night under the same roof as the cursed will be struck by lightning the next time they stand under an open sky.
  52. An obese old woman appears each night to hover over the cursed as they sleep, staring at them in slack-jawed annoyance. Drool dribbles from her mouth, onto the cursed’s sleeping form. If she is confronted, she flies into a rage fit that will prevent anyone from sleeping. If she is attacked, she is killed, but the dreams of the cursed are tormented and give no rest. She returns the next night, still agitated from having been slain.
  53. The cursed does not have a name. No word seems to describe them, and anytime one is tried, it is forgotten by everyone, including the cursed.
  54. Everything the cursed says must be sung.
  55. In any religious rite the cursed witnesses or participate in, they will perform a sacrilege.
  56. Within a day of encountering some new community or culture, the cursed will always commit some highly offensive faux pas that is unique to that community.
  57. Any tool the cursed uses has a 1 in 6 chance to break.
  58. If the curseds own any structure, it will burn to the ground or be otherwise demolished the first time the cursed sleeps in it.
  59. Any animal the cursed attempts to ride will attempt to buck them off at the most inopportune time possible.
  60. No warning given by the cursed will ever be heeded.
  61. No servant will remain faithful to the cursed when their back is turned.
  62. No message sent from anything but the cursed’s own lips will ever reach its destination.
  63. Any map the cursed might benefit from will be half-ruined before it can be used.
  64. Half of any book the cursed might benefit from will be torn out or destroyed before they can be read.
  65. Any wand found by the cursed will have only a single charge.
  66. Anytime the cursed expresses a concern, it will be interpreted as a joke.
  67. Any community the cursed stays in for a week will experience poor fortune for a year. Bad harvests, raiding bands, lost trade agreements, war, etc.
  68. No fire can ever be put out in the presence of the cursed. Even fully submerging a torch in water won’t work.
  69. The cursed has 100% fertility, and is irresistible to the opposite sex. 100% as in “literally anything sexual results in pregnancy.” The cursed makes babies from blowjobs.
  70. Anything that drops from the cursed’s hands is lost, and can only be found by someone who would never return it willingly.
  71. Even the smallest amount of a drug–a thimble of beer, second hand marijuana smoke, etc–will have the full effects of a day of binging on the cursed.
  72. The cursed’s morality becomes an absolutist thing. Any deviation from your alignment or stated values will result in losing all class abilities until an atonement is made.
  73. The cursed tastes good. Really good. Creatures that eat manflesh will smell the cursed much more readily, and be persistent in pursuing them. Any time the cursed takes damage from fire, the sizzling scent causes an immediate random encounter check. Any time the cursed takes damage from a bite, that creature will direct all their attacks towards the tasty tasted cursed one.
  74. The cursed comes to believe strongly that the Iron age was a mistake, and that mankind was led astray by their hubris in smelting metals that were not meant for them. Bronze is the most advanced metal the cursed may use. The cursed will proselytize to others about their iron-sins.
  75. The cursed believes they are dead. Any damage dealt to them, as well as their actual hit point total, are kept secret by the referee. The cursed simply doesn’t believe any of it has occurred. How can they be hurt if they’re already dead? It’s silly.
  76. The cursed PC transforms into the cursed player. The PC takes on the appearance of the player, as well as the group’s best guess at how the player’s real life abilities would translate into the game world. The new PC doesn’t have any modern knowledge. They are as they would be if they had been born in the game world and followed an equivalent life path to their real life’s path.
  77. Randomly determine a player who is not the cursed or the referee. That player must come up with a catchphrase. Any session in which the cursed does not use their catchphrase in some appropriate way, is a session in which they forfeit any experience points they would have gained.
  78. The cursed falls into a deep sleep until their true love’s kiss wakes them. The the cursed is unplayable, and will likely remain so unless the rest of the party set up a kissing booth or something.
  79. The the cursed immediately and irrevocably falls in love with the next NPC of the appropriate type they meet. Resisting this infatuation will result in a negative level each week, as the cursed finds they cannot eat or sleep or enjoy the activities they once did. The only cure for this malady is the pursuit and marriage of the NPC. The cursed will always be very happy in this marriage and unwilling to leave it, no matter how horrible and demanding the referee makes their spouse. The referee is encouraged to make the cursed’s spouse very horrible and demanding.
  80. The cursed shows visible, obvious signs of desire anytime they see a piece of treasure. So if they encounter a king wearing a golden crown, they’ll spend the whole conversation staring wide-eyed at his crown and making grabby-hands in the air towards it. Obviously, this does little to endear the cursed to anyone who owns treasure.
  81. The cursed is contorted into a sphere. They can roll in any direction they desire, and take some actions with their arms. They are none the less limited in their ability to perform many common tasks due to their new shape.
  82. The size of the cursed becomes variable. Each morning when they wake, roll a d6 to determine how big the cursed is this day. 1. Ant sized; 2. Housecat sized; 3. Halfling sized; 4. Adult human sized; 5. Tall as an elephant; 6. Tall as a giraffe.
  83. Everyone who sees the cursed perceives them as an octopus struggling to survive on land. Everything the cursed says is heard as the pitiable wailing of a dying cephalopod.
  84. The cursed needs to pee every 10 minutes.
  85. Anytime the cursed takes damage, the wound immediately turns to gold. Since the wound cannot be healed, the hit point loss becomes permanent.
  86. Once combat has begun, the cursed is unable to stop fighting until every foe is dead. Even those who seem like they might someday consider the possibility of becoming a foe must die.
  87. The next time the cursed wrongs someone, that person will exaggerate the wrong into a horrible, unsympathetic crime. They will expend great effort to ensure everyone knows of the cursed’s foul nature.
  88. An intense rivalry develops between the cursed and another randomly determined member of the party. This rival PC will receive bonus experience each time they work against the cursed’s interests or betray their trust.
  89. The cursed becomes a natural target for pickpockets. Anytime they enter a crowd or a large community, they will lose some of their carried gold and possessions.
  90. The cursed becomes a natural target for burglars. Each session they will lose some of their gold and possessions that are not carried with them. Hiring guards, hiding valuables, or placing valuables in a vault will provide only temporary relief. Each of these will eventually be overcome by burglars.
  91. The cursed must always agree with the majority opinion of any group they’re in. This would include a lynch mob that wanted to have the party hanged. So long as the opinion is held by the majority, it is also the fervent opinion of the cursed.
  92. The player to the right of the cursed selects a well known personality. A political figure or celebrity, with whom the cursed’s player is familiar. In speech, mannerism, word, and deed, the cursed must now be played as though they were that personality.
  93. The cursed becomes a moral boyscout. They will always feel compelled to help anyone who has even the slightest need, and would never dream of accepting recompense for their efforts.
  94. When the cursed encounters an NPC, they must make a reaction roll to determine their demeanor towards that NPC. The reaction roll is modified by the NPC’s charisma.
  95. At the beginning of each adventure, a vulture swoops down and demands the cursed give them 500 money. If the cursed refuses, the vulture takes a bite out of their belly, pulling one of their organs free and flying off with it. The cursed takes 2 Constitution damage from this, but is otherwise unharmed. The process repeats until the cursed is dead, or starts paying the bird off. Previously taken organs can be bought back for 750 money. The vulture itself is invulnerable to attack, and can only be seen by the cursed.
  96. Every surface the cursed stands on is as slippery as melting ice.
  97. The cursed exaggerates everything. They regularly make promises that they cannot live up to, and make wild claims about past accomplishments.
  98. The cursed becomes a hireling, the the cursed’s hireling becomes the player character.
  99. Any piece of food the cursed is about to consume has a 1 in 10 chance to be poison. This poisoning occurs when a piece of food goes from being “food,” to being “the cursed’s food.”
  100. The only manner of fighting the cursed can participate in is dance fighting.

1d100 Small Town Quirks

A way to spice up those bland little settlements of 1d6*100 people that are scattered through your hex maps.

  1. Within the city limits (demarcated by a ring of stones), is a criss-cross of overgrown stone pathways leading all over town. The routes are indirect, but it’s considered extremely rude to step off of the path. Outsiders might be granted a single warning, then face expulsion from the village.
  2. Every home contains the death masks of relatives who have passed. Once a year the townsfolk wear them and mingle in the square, acting out the roles of the deceased.
  3. Each home contains a “fortune flower,” whose health reflects the family’s spiritual well-being and future potential. If the flower dies the house is demolished, and everyone in the family changes their name.
  4. Disputes are settled by tossing a particular type local frog back and forth. After each catch, the person who caught the frog takes a step back. Whoever fails to catch the frog must eat it whole, which usually results in a very bad hallucinogenic trip. The rare good trip is interpreted as meaning that the other person is the truly guilty party, and must somehow have cheated in the frog toss. Thus making them doubly guilty.
  5. Anyone who spends a night in the town must first get the town’s crest branded on their cheek. It’s important to the townsfolk that they be able to recognize anyone who has walked on their town’s soil. The residents themselves don’t have the crest, because they’ll all recognize one another.
  6. Residents always wear masks when outside of their homes. Most are just burlap sacks with holes cut for the eyes, but a few are carved and painted wooden affairs. They won’t discuss why it is they do this, but it’s not because their faces look weird or anything.
  7. Every structure in the village has a name. Person names, like Sarah, John, and Amy. The townsfolk talk about the buildings as though they are people, and refer to a structure’s opinions and emotional states. They aren’t crazy, it’s just an unusual form of animism.
  8. It is considered arrogant and rude to accept food, gifts, or an invitation before first refusing it 3 times. Strangers are not exempted from this assumption. Some of the town’s youth have taken to refusing the first offer three times, and then accepting the second offer. The degree of scandal an individual villager feels about this is proportional to their age.
  9. No single home will ever host more than a single guest at a time, which includes animals. If an adventuring party wishes to stay in town, their lodgings will be divided among multiple families.
  10. No coin or work is expected of visitors for the food they eat or the bed they sleep in while in town. However, visitors are expected to pay for their hospitality by sexually pleasing the village’s elderly, ugly, and mentally deficient residents.
  11. Anybody not wearing weapons in public is considered to be insulting the townsfolk’s martial abilities. “You’re such shitty warriors, I don’t even need weapons to defend myself.” The community will attack in force to prove the outsider wrong.
  12. Villagers believe that disease is a result of social brusqueness and confrontation. They aim to be always pleasant, but mostly they’re just really passive aggressive. If anyone actually is confrontational, the ‘victim’ will usually descend into an intense coughing fit. Whether it’s psychosomatic, or just another layer of passive aggression is unclear.
  13. It is fashionable in the village for women to shave their heads. Very few women have any hair at all, and those who do keep it extremely short.
  14. Each member of the community wears a single iron manacle on their left hand, with a few links of chain dangling from it. These are keepsakes from the town’s founders, who were a band of escaped slaves that successfully fled here to escape their masters.
  15. Any dispute in town is settled with a poetry slam. Any players who are too shy to participate in an actual poetry slam around the table should be considered to have delivered a really piss-poor poem.
  16. When speaking to outsiders, every member of the community claims to be David. David is a 33 year old man who drives mules for a living. They will acknowledge contradictions, but will not concede the point. (“Yes, I clearly am a 94 year old woman. And yet I am not. I am David, a 33 year old man.”)
  17. A community of religious fanatics who believe technology has led man from the path god set him on. They use tools of stone, leather, wood, and bone. Metal objects are absolutely prohibited within the city. They will allow travelers to bury their metals outside town if they wish to enter.
  18. There is a “children’s dormitory” in town where all of the children live. Children’s names are given to them by the town’s elders, and no single adult in the village may claim any specific child as their own offspring. Most adults in the village do show extra attention to their own children, but will be punished for doing so if it is too overt.
  19. While there are visitors in town, the villagers worship whatever god their visitors worship. They will be extremely insistent on knowing what gods the PCs worship, and what the proper form of reverence is.
  20. The dreams of children are of paramount importance, and considered coded harbingers of what is to come. Each family begins the day by reverently listening to the dreams of their children. If any child has a dream that is particularly portentous, a town gathering is called and the dream is repeated for everyone to hear.
  21. Before eating, the each member of the community will ask someone nearby to give them a solid punch in the gut. It’s a practice which dates back to a time of famine, when the punch was meant to make you feel less hungry right before you ate your meager scraps of food.
  22. Once per year, the town holds a lottery. Every man, woman, and child draws lots, and whomever ‘wins’ is beaten to death by the rest of the townsfolk. Tradition holds that if this ritual is ever abandoned, disaster will befall the town.
  23. Disputes are settled through a practice called Sharo. Each participant bludgeons the other with their fists, and whichever of the two shows pain first is the loser.
  24. Children are not considered “real” until their first birthday, when it is much less likely they will die unexpectedly. On this day, they are given a name, and their mother cuts off their father’s scrotum. The father remains a member of the family as a eunuch, honored for doing his duty in fostering a healthy child, and now meant to devote himself to nothing except for that child’s care. Meanwhile, the mother remarries. Women fashion the scrotums they’ve taken into a belt of pouches, denoting their status within the community.
  25. If two village women are pregnant at the same time, they must battle to the death. Thus, children are born only to the strongest parents.
  26. A man’s livestock is his worth, and a representation of his ability to provide for a family. As such men are typically allowed to marry as many women as they have cows.
  27. All of the town’s women learn how to juggle from a young age. Juggling is a deeply ingrained part of the town’s courtship rituals, and a man will always prefer an impressive juggler over an impressive beauty.
  28. Local children may never be seen by visitors. At all. When visitors are spotted approaching the town, the children are hurried into a special windowless building. They must remain there until the visitors leave, and any visitor who sees one of the local children will be sentenced to death by stoning on the spot.
  29. Blessings and good wishes are given by spitting. The locals spit in cooking pots to pray for a good meal, they spit on their weapons to ensure a good hunt, and they spit on visitors to wish them good travels.
  30. Men and woman who don’t live in the same house with one another may only communicate by proxy, or in writing.
  31. There is an unusual flower that grows bountifully in the area, and is consumed with almost every meal. Its effects are notably similar to cocaine.
  32. Each evening the townsfolk gather in the common house to watch a new tattoo being added to one of their number. Everyone in town is covered in dozens of tattoos, and almost everyone has some skill with a needle and ink.
  33. Every single one of the townsfolk is actually some local critter that was polymorphed into a human shape by a drunken wizard. Rabbits, foxes, frogs, spiders, etc. They retain a semblance of their lower instincts, but they think and function as well as you or I. And after more than a decade, they’re very comfortable being human. They’re terrified of being found out and returned to their natural state. Any visitor that might have Dispell Magic prepared will be turned away, but they will otherwise do their best to act natural.
  34. All town activity stops abruptly at noon for a ritual dance. It is announced by a bell rung by a cripple, and everyone performs the dance wherever they happen to be standing when they hear it. The dance lasts 13 minutes.
  35. Everyone in town wears matching uniforms. A drab grey and brown tunic and breeches, skillfully hemmed. Everyone is clean shaven, with their hair in a long ponytail. Each tunic has a bright red band at chest height, which the townsfolk take pains to keep clean.
  36. A Displacer Beast wanders the town freely. The townsfolk will step out of its path if it is approaching, and allow it to wander freely in and out of their homes. They provide it with food and reverence, and in turn they believe it protects them from evil.
  37. When animals are slaughtered for their meat, it is believed that they must be made to suffer before their death. Several methods of torturous death have been devised for various animals. It is believed that eating meat that was made to experience pain will protect the consumer from suffering in their own life.
  38. There are layers upon layers of conspiracy in the town. Plots and counter plots, all with the eventual goal of bringing down the mayor and replacing him with a man of the people. Nobody seems to understand why this is ridiculous in such a small community.
  39. A unique, deck-building card game using tarot cards is insanely popular in town. Visitors will be asked to play by nearly everyone they meet.
  40. At birth, everyone is bitten by a particular local snake. If they live, they’ll have a splotchy scar from the venom. The shape of the scar is then used to determine something about their future, and the way they ought to be raised.
  41. Each structure in town is a unique color. Any new structures must be painted in a color that has not been used yet.
  42. The townsfolk touch butts with people as a greeting, the same way decent god-fearing folk shake hands or wave.
  43. The townsfolk are a group of time travelers. They became trapped here in the past, and are determined not to disrupt the timeline.
  44. The village is a nudist colony. Nobody minds if you bring weapons into town, but clothing and armor are absolutely banned from being worn.
  45. Bathing is considered unlucky. Nobody will want to be anywhere near a traveler who is “too clean.”
  46. A smithocracy. Whomever is able to make the most impressive object is elevated to be the town’s ruler.
  47. A settlement of people from a far off culture. One which is extremely out of place here. Like a Japanese village in the middle of 16th century France. They have a very good reason for being here.
  48. The mayor is a cat. The townsfolk take this as seriously as you think they ought to.
  49. The town is a secret haven for those who practice a completely innocuous, but also highly illegal religion. They live in fear of anyone associated with the dominant religion of the area.
  50. The town is run like a military fort. The people pursue their industry (farming, trading, etc.), but they also build walls, train with weapons, and have guard rotations. Their preparedness is as impressive as it is out of place.
  51. The locals place their dead in a nearby peat bog. Once the bodies are well preserved, they’re pulled out. Each body spends several years being moved around the village. Sitting in chairs, leaning against walls, etc. After a time they are finally buried beneath whatever house they originally lived in.
  52. The town uses its own internal currency.
  53. The town’s founding myth speaks of horrible giants that tortured their forebears. All doors are 5′ 11″ high. Anyone who has to duck to walk through them is unwelcome in the town and must wait outside.
  54. The town has a communal poop-pit for making Jenkams.
  55. A full kiss on the mouth is the standard greeting.
  56. Visitors are expected to provide entertainment in the evening.
  57. The town is divided into two teams, based on the town’s two founders. Everything is scored.
  58. At the center of town is a large board. The surprisingly literate townsfolk have lengthy written discussions about important matters of the day by posting messages to this board.
  59. The town has an official storyteller who spends the day walking around and observing the happenings in town. Each work day ends by gathering to hear the storyteller share what he saw that day.
  60. All visitors must wear a special hat. It’s bright pink and utterly ridiculous.
  61. Everyone in town insists that they’re all badgers in human suits. It’s an inside joke. You’d have had to be there.
  62. The town was an experiment by the church. A number of particularly pious priests and nuns were released from their vows of chastity and told to build the perfect, most godly community. Since that particular piety was the result of these folks being gay, they performed their new duties only with the utmost resentment for the act. They’ve created a town this is punishingly repressive, and even hostile towards sex.
  63. It’s one of the player’s childhood villages. In the wrong place, but otherwise exactly as it was when they were a child. If they go looking they may even be able to find themselves as a child.
  64. The town has a corporate structure, with everything being owned by the town council. The mayor directs the town’s industry, and the mayor’s directions are implemented by overseers. The townsfolk are payed a relatively small fixed amount for their labor, (minus rent).
  65. The town is a commune with no obvious hierarchy. The town’s money is pooled together in a vault, and only used when dealing with outsiders. Otherwise, everyone merely does what jobs they’re able, and is given what they need.
  66. This village is well off the beaten path, and rarely receives visitors. They haven’t gotten any news of the outside world in 20+ years.
  67. They have an intense rivalry with a neighboring town. There is very little at stake really, but emotions run high. Assassinations are not uncommon.
  68. There are two towns. One where all of the men reside, and one where all of the women reside. They’re a day’s travel apart from one another. Randomly determine which one your players have encountered.
  69. A village populated entirely by the elderly. Several other villages in the area expel their elderly and send them here, where they live together and eke out an existence as best they can. They are considered dead by the outside world.
  70. Four years ago, a plague ravaged this village. Almost overnight anyone who had gone through puberty died, leaving only children behind. The oldest kids are now about 17 years old, and they’ve been on their own for awhile. They’ve got a system worked out for themselves, but they lack a lot of necessary education, so it’s not a very good system.
  71. The townsfolk have a unique and complicated moral code involving food. It’s nearly a certainty that if they see anyone from outside their community eating, they will find some food combination, utensil use, or chewing pattern to be reprehensible.
  72. The town is highly democratic. Citizens are passionate about their civic duties, and they gather to discuss new laws weekly. Each week operates under a significantly revised legal code.
  73. The townsfolk place a high value on personal honor. Like a drunk Spaniard, or a racist’s depiction of an Asian person.
  74. The townsfolk have a completely unique language.
  75. The people in town are argumentative to the point of insanity. Play them like a living incarnation of youtube comments.
  76. The town was founded by a group of sexual deviants who just couldn’t deal with sexual repression of common society. They know how to present a “normal” face to outsiders to prevent lynch mobs from showing up, but when there’s nobody around they have a lot of orgies.
  77. Everyone in town acts very suspiciously. There’s no reason for it, it’s just the way the local dialect and customs developed.
  78. The locals are all eldritch lizardfolk wearing human skins.
  79. The village is trapped in an infinite timeloop, living the same day over and over again, but none of them realize it. Fortunately, visitors are not affected by this.
  80. Once a visitor has been welcomed within the town, they will not be allowed to leave until the omens for their departure are good.
  81. Visitors are highly prized for their stories.
  82. Visitors are highly prized for their meat
  83. The town issued a letter of secession 12 years ago, and no one has noticed yet. They firmly believe themselves to be a sovereign nation.
  84. Everyone in town wears a mirror around their neck so that people can see what they look like when they talk. They believe it prevents people from “acting with an ugly spirit.”
  85. The local noble is a dilettante for social improvement. They’ve set up this village as a model town. It’s very pretty and well manicured. The peasants are all required to attend classes each day on etiquette, history, and philosophy. The townsfolk are too exhausted after the long days of work they still have to perform to really do well in these classes, and everyone involved is just getting more and more frustrated.
  86. The townsfolk are actually a group of nobles “roughing it.” The real villagers have mostly been displaced, save a few who are there to show the nobles how things are done.
  87. Strapping large tree branches to one’s back and head has become very fashionable.
  88. Capes are fashionable. As are constant flourishes.
  89. Mustaches are so fashionable that the women wear fake ones.
  90. At first glance, the town appears to be composed entirely of women. In fact, the men of this town are excellent cross dressers. It’s a practice they began as a means of avoiding being called to war, but after 15 years this androgyny has become a way of life. Many of the actual women are entirely fed up with the practice.
  91. An experimental music collective has taken up in the town. There are nightly performances with instruments that were invented just earlier that day. Things like captured birds squeezed by leather belts, logs rhythmically rolled in mud, or tiny hammers used to tap a person’s teeth.
  92. The lands belongs to a far off noble lady who has never so much as visited. She has the whole town carving cat figurines for no real reason.
  93. The town is a haven for bandits and burglars. Everyone in town is somehow involved, even if they’re just working as farmers to maintain the illusion that it’s a normal town.
  94. A con artist impersonating the town’s distant lord has taken up residence. They’ve got the whole town catering to their whims, but they’re being careful not to push anybody too far.
  95. The townsfolk have been cursed. They are all nocturnal.
  96. The townsfolk have been cursed to age at 3x the normal rate.
  97. The townsfolk have been cursed to be incorporeal to other living creatures. They can interact with the world around them, pick up and manipulate physical objects. But if they touch another person, they will pass right through them. None of them have touched another human being in years.
  98. There was an omnipotent child terrorizing the town, forcing every adult to bend to their whims. The child is still there, and still terrorizing the townsfolk, but they somehow lost their omnipotence. They’re just a normal 11 year old kid now, and they’re terrified of what’s going to happen when everybody realizes it.
  99. The townsfolk are cursed so that each one of them believes that they have an imaginary loved one being held at knife-point nearby. Their completely fictional loved one will be killed unless they act natural.
  100. The people of the town are the dream of a wizard on the other side of the world whose mind is leaking. While the wizard sleeps, the people are entirely real, but they disappear when he is awake.

Cool Stuff in the Wrong Direction: Forests

So. Your players are tracking Zalgag, the two eyed cyclops, through the woodlands where he’s rumored to have his lair. The ranger is using her tracking skill to follow the trail of trampled ferns and broken branches, then, she rolls a 1. The players have lost the trail. Worse yet, you use classic hexcrawling rules, and they’ve gotten themselves lost. Still worse, nobody thought to purchase a compass. The situation is bad for them, but for you it’s even worse. You’ve gotta figure out how to make being lost in the woods interesting.

Fortunately, you’ve got this table.

  1. An ancient stone church. From the construction you can tell it originates from the very earliest days of the common faith in this land. Back when the abhorrent faiths that were once practiced here were forced out at swordpoint. A titanic oak has fallen on the roof and crashed its way through the floor, revealing a hidden chamber beneath. There appears to have been no way to reach this chamber from the church prior to the floor collapsing.
    The floor of the chamber is covered in a layer of dead wasp husks 2’ deep. The many-pored hives of their living descendants hum with activity all along the chamber’s walls and ceilings. Directly under  the altar in the church above is a stone ring, 3’ tall. Human femurs have been placed on the inside edge of the ring, each pointing towards the center. There are hundreds of these, leaving only a narrow passage of about 5’ in diameter down the center of the ring.

    Runes in an ancient local tongue describe the necessary ritual. A victim’s face must be pressed to the narrow bone passage and pain must be inflicted on them. Their screams suffice as an offering to the god of this place. After having been so long forgotten, the deity will be willing to proclaim anyone who gives it offerings as a champion. Much will be given, but much will be expected.There is a passage in the wall which wends beneath the earth for nearly a mile before opening out into the side of a treacherous gorge. The native peoples built this place to worship their god in  secret after open worship was banned, and to negate the hateful presence of the interloping faith.
  2. A meadow where the trees overhead are so thick they form a veritable cavern. It would be dark as night, if not for the multicolored, luminescent fungi that hang from every tree branch, and float on the waters of the pond. This is the court of the pixies. A place which can only be found when you’re not looking for it.Typically the pixies hate to be intruded on by the big folk. They punish intruders with cruel games. These are really just sadistic tortures with strange rules, and a false hope that the victim might ‘win’ and be allowed to leave.

    Today, however, the pixies have need of some of the big folk. They have a gift for the big-folk king, and need someone to deliver it. Unfortunately, the serpent bird became enamored of the shiny paper the gift was wrapped in, and has stolen the gift for its nest. The pixies require the players to retrieve the gift before they take it to the king. They assure you that the human king will reward you amply for your trouble. He will not. If the players are reticent to pursue this quest without any obvious reward, the pixies would be happy to play “games” instead.

    As it happens, the gift is a smooth white stone with a jagged “X” carved into its surface, and colored with a pasty red powder. If touched, the stone causes the victim to be uncomfortably large for any man-made room they enter. In nature they are normal size, but as soon as they walk through a doorway they will find they have to stoop, and cannot take most actions normally. (Though they can always fit through doorways, somehow). Their new size confers no benefits of strength.

    The pixies would be deeply offended to learn their curse did not reach its proper target.
  3. The characters break through the underbrush into a small clearing where they find a council of bears. Most are sitting on fallen logs or tree stumps, while 2-4 are standing amid the rest, having a formal argument with one another about the moral state of the forest, trade agreements with the squirrels, the reliability of sense perception, or some other esoteric topic. When the characters are noticed, the bears will be mortified at having been discovered. Some of them will begin awkwardly acting like normal bears, but these will be chided by the rest for being ridiculous. After all, humans aren’t that stupid.

    The bears are polite and highly rational, but are insistent that they do not want their intellect to become widely known. While they have no currency with which to bribe the players, they offer their council on any number of issues the players wish to discuss. Of course, they are given to long argument on even the simplest subject, but patient players will always receive good information. Under no circumstances will the bears resort to violence on the player’s behalf.

    If the players attempt to betray the bears’ secret, they will have a difficult time of it. Tales of the bears are common enough from travelers in these woods that the surrounding villages have adopted the term “Meeting The Bear Council” as a euphemism for consuming a certain kind of hallucinogenic mushroom that grows on by the river there.
  4. In the middle of nowhere, its presence not even indicated by a deer trail through the underbrush, is the Crosseyed Wolf Hunting Lodge. It’s a large, well maintained building, with a green moss growing on the walls and roof. Within, the building is rustic and homey, with a welcoming barkeep and a host of cheerful huntsman. Notably, some of these will be peasants, while others may be as high ranking as princes or kings. There is no rank in the Crosseyed Wolf Hunting Lodge.

    On the walls hang trophies from all manner of bizarre creatures, the likes of which the players have never seen or imagined. Furry toad heads the size of an elephant’s, with majestic deer antlers; a fleshy horse with no eyes and 12 rows of razor teeth; a coiled python with the upper body of a mole-like thing where its head ought to be. The hunters are only too happy to share exaggerated stories of how deadly each creature was, and how much daring it took to bring it down.

    The Crosseyed Wolf Hunting Lodge is managed by Gullenet the Jocose, a muscular wizard of considerable skill with portals. The exploits of his youth made him wealthy enough to fund this place for the next four hundred years (which is good, because he plans to live at least that long). Gullenet’s specialty is creating portals to other worlds, and he spends years doing careful research to find new and exciting prey for the finest hunters in the world to tackle. They gather here once every two years (aided by Gullenet’s portals) for a great hunt. And a new one is just about to begin.
  5. A tree with a wise old face in its trunk. When approached, it will greet whomever it sees with a raspy voice, as though they were expected some time ago. It will agree to answer a single question for any group of people who come before it. It’s answers are generally nonsense disguised by profound language and portentous tone. It avoids specifics, but if need be, it will give specifics that are very far away from wherever it currently is.

    Truth be told, this tree has only been sentient for about 6 years. It is not very old, nor is it very wise. But every face in a tree seems to look old and wise to humans. She got tired of trying to convince people she didn’t know the answers to their questions (everyone assumed it was some kind of test), and instead just started making shit up to get people to go away.
  6. One of the party stumbles into a hole, taking taking 1 point of damage. It was disguised by a burlap tarp covered in dirt and dried leaves. The hole is 6’ long, 3’ wide, and 8’ deep. It’s lined with tightly packed stones, and there’s a metal grate at the bottom. The whole thing is covered in ash.If the players spend any time searching nearby they will find human bones. It doesn’t matter where they look. In hollow stumps, fallen logs, under stones, everywhere. It would be difficult to dig in a spot within 100’ of the hole without finding bones.

    If the players wait, there is a 1 in 6 chance each night that Hershel Volik will arrive, carrying a body. Hershel lives in the nearest village. During a childhood he tries not to remember, Hershel developed a taste for the meat of his fellow man. He makes frequent trips to towns throughout the area on business, and his murders (about one every week) have thus far gone undetected.

Cool Stuff in the Wrong Direction – Overland

Players are genetically predisposed to being dicks. It’s a fact. Their left nostril doesn’t detect odorant molecules the way a good and proper human’s does. It smells unpreparedness. If you’ve prepared interesting material to the North, East, and South, then the players will go West. Because they’re dicks.

Fortunately, you’re the kind of referee who prepares for their own unpreparedness.

  1. The party encounters an act of banditry in progress. Everyone is occupied, so the players have a 4-in-6 chance of remaining unseen. In the chaos, both the bandits and their victims will assume the players are hostile unless they make their intentions crystal clear.

    The victims are emissaries from the noble house of Burnon. The house is in dire financial condition and have made a loathsome deal with the wizard Kelissax. Kelissax needs to sacrifice a child of noble blood for his spell research. The house of Burnon has a 6 year old, 4th-in-line heir that they really don’t need. The child is traveling by carriage, and knows nothing of his coming fate.

    The bandits, meanwhile, are in the employ of Arogoth the Cutthroat, who is known to be a loyal servant to Kelissax. The wizard, as it turns out, isn’t quite as wealthy as he suggested to the desperate Burnon matriarch. He can’t afford the child’s cost, so he’s hoping to steal the boy away for free. The Burnons can hardly mount a spirited search for his kidnappers. To do so would require them to answer awkward questions about what the boy was doing so far from home.
  2. A hamlet called Telsborough with no more than 120 residents. It’s a welcoming town, moderately reknowned in the area for its excellent food and hospitable citizens. There’s no proper inn, but several families in town have formed a “hosting committee,” and will happily put up travelers in their homes. They hope, someday, to attract a trade road to come through their town.

    Unfortunately, after 2 months of marriage, a young man named Albert has decided that it’s the perfect time to murder his young wife Felicity. Selling off her meager dowry after she’s gone will allow him to afford a silversmithing apprenticeship in the city.

    His plan is simple: Tell the ever-so-trusting felicity to meet him “where they first kissed,” which happens to be a narrow path between two homes just off the main road. Knowing Felicity, when she sees strangers come by on the main road, she’ll call a few of them over to show them her fine needlework. If they’ll just swing by the house later, she’d be happy to sell a few garments for the travelers to bring to any ladies in their life.

    Albert will watch from hiding. Once the meeting takes place, he’ll pop out, stab poor Felicity until her eyes go cold, then wait for the body to be found. He assumes people will naturally assume the strangers are responsible. It’s not the most clever plan, but Albert is hardly the most clever man.
  3. A large mound of dirt breaks the surface, with a hole at the top large enough for two humans to climb down abreast. The tunnel is buttressed with the bones of large animals. Things live here. Bulky, furred, not-quite-men with swollen tongues hanging to their chests.

    For the layout of the barrow, use a childhood home as a kind of mental map. The rooms are chambers, the doors and hallways are corridors, any stairs are holes in the floor or ceiling. Each of the creatures who live here correspond to one of the people who lived in that home with you. Their personalities are twisted and cruel versions of those people, even if those people were already a little twisted and cruel to start with.

    In the chamber that corresponds to your kitchen, there is a mass grave filled with headless human bodies, covered by a burlap tarp. Most of the heads are stored in primitive ice chest. The rest are strewn across the ground, cracked open, brains sucked out.

    In what was your bathroom are a dozen fawns of the barrow’s horrid habitants. Mewling and suckling at a tank of fluids that have been juiced from human brains. In what was your living room there is a fat candle of yellow wax as tall as a man’s belly. If its flame ever goes out, the not-quite-men believe they will be forsaken by their dirty, hateful god.

    Any exits from your home aside from the main entrance are instead hidden doors. There’s a 2 in 6 chance they lead to a small cache of treasures, otherwise it is a hidden escape tunnel that lets out under a rock 3 miles from the main entrance.

    In the place where you slept, there is a trio of elderly captives. Delicacies for these creatures. Their brains are being saved to be eaten fresh. Two of these are an old peasant couple on the road to visit their daughter the next town over. One is Sir Wulhurst, a venerable knight of 112 years. Any PCs who grew up within 100 miles of here will have heard of his exploits. Most people assume he’s dead. It’s understandable, given that he rarely leaves his keep in these final decades of his life, but the assumption still irks him.
  4. The players encounter a wall with a matte painting of countryside on it. Turns out there literally isn’t anything in this direction. Just a matte painting, and a low-level psychic suggestion that before now had always prevented anyone from walking this way.
    It won’t take much searching for the players to discover a sliding steel door in the matte painting, which can be pried open with a crowbar. Within are space aliens. Bald blue skinned humanoids with six fingered hands and bulbous red fish-eyes on either side of a narrow head. They’re running around in a mild panic, as a fire just destroyed their psychic emitter a moment ago. A panic that will only increase when they see the players–members of a truly brutal and savage race.

    These alien’s technology isn’t so much “advanced,” as it is “different” from our modern day technology. For example, the smallest computer they’ve managed to develop weighs 100lb, but they’ve discovered the means of producing psychic emissions. Likewise, they’ve never figured out rocket science, or even basic flight. But they do know how to teleport themselves to any world with a magnetic core strong enough to serve as a beacon.
  5. The players encounter a lighthouse on top of a hill, but nowhere near any body of water. The structure is simplistic, but effective and competently assembled. It is maintained by a woman named Josephene, who claims that God told her to build it. That the world will soon be flooded once again, and that the light will guide people to her when the floodwaters come. When they arrive, she will give them the word of God’s new covenant. She’s not willing to share God’s new covenant yet, but welcomes any potential faithful to stay with her and tend the lighthouse until the hour arrives.

    Josephene is not crazy. She’s the victim of a megalomaniacal fly who feasted on the mind of a dead prophet as a maggot. Gifted with long life and knowledge of the future, the creature has learned to buzz its wings in a way that humans are able to interpret as speech. Buzzing accurate predictions in a person’s ear is liable to convince just about anyone that they’re receiving messages from some unseen deity. And in point of fact, the area will be affected by massive flooding early this coming spring. If left alone, a cult will form that venerates flies as sacred creatures. The presence of an active “voice of god” in people’s ears will cause it to grow quickly, rivaling other major religions in the region.
  6. A small copse of trees, perhaps 500’ in diameter, with a guard tower rising from the center. The foliage is dense, and within 30’ the party will have lost sight of the forest’s edge. Which is a problem, because for anyone who cannot see the world outside of the copse, this forest is infinitely large.

    The players can search all they wish, but they will not find the guard tower until they attempt to leave the forest, after which they will encounter it after moving 100’. Outside the tower are a few dozen graves, and a set of digging tools. Within is a group of eight people, emaciated and hungry. Anyone who becomes lost in the forest is invited to join their little community. As they have no food and no way of escaping the forest, the primary purpose of the group is to bury the dead, welcome any newcomers, and eventually die themselves.

    Though your players may find any number of solutions, the most obvious is to simply climb along the tops of the trees. They’re dense enough that it should be a simple thing to do, and since you can see the world outside the copse, it’s no more than 250’ to freedom.

Spending Money 3: The Curio Shop

Players having the ability to buy magic items isn’t actually a problem. It’s the means by which the purchase of magic items is implemented that can be a problem. Functionally unlimited access to a full list of magic items is the problem. Game advancement that assumes the players will accrue magic item upgrades along a vague schedule is the problem.

But if a wizard opens his robes to reveal a necklace hanging from the inside and says “You want necklace? Much magical. Good price. You buy now, yes?” Well then that’s just fuckin’ awesome.

The Curio Shop could take a number of different forms. Perhaps it’s a well known fixture of a capitol city’s wealthy merchantile district. Perhaps it’s a run down shack in the ghetto. It could be a traveling wagon that sets up wherever it finds people; or it could be an extra dimensional room, the entrance to which is any door that you walk through backwards 3 times.

Regardless, the curio shop can only be visited during play. Players can’t purchase from it between sessions the way they might with other shops.

While there are always a large number of oddities available in the curio shop, most are really just there to drain the coins of the unserious looky-loo. For those looking for something more substantive than a cow fetus in a jar, there are always 8 items available for sale.

Each time the players enter the shop, 1d6-1 random items have been sold since the last time the players visited. The empty slots are restocked by rolling on the d100 restocking table, which can be repopulated at the referee’s leisure.

I would recommend that the referee track items randomly removed from the shop. Because, ya know, the fact that they’re gone means that somebody out there in your campaign world bought them. So it serves as a handy list of magic items you can give to an NPC.

Some items in the curio shop are there merely because they appear to be magical, or otherwise impressive. These items will require identification, and may prove to be nothing more than expensive baubles. Other items have already been identified, and are invariably priced much higher. It is important that players be made aware of these facts. While the shop keeper may be trying to fleece the players, the referee should be clear about the facts: “This item may or may not be magical. You won’t be able to find out until you buy it.” That’s an interesting choice, and one that players will take you up on from time to time. And no, the curio shop owner doesn’t want you futzing with his inventory, casting Identify on items before you buy them.

All sales are final.

Currently In Stock:

1. A powder puff. When used, raises your Cha to 18 for one day, but reduces your STR to 3 for the same length of time. Has 8 uses. Cost: 600sp

2. A six sided die which always lands on the last side you tapped your index finger on. Cost: 200sp.

4. A pocket of holding. Once sewn onto pants or a pack, it can hold a single item, which a single character would be able to lift by themselves. When placed in this pocket, the item adds nothing to the character’s encumbrance. Cost: 2000sp.

5. Wooden Rat mask. Painted in a simplistic, tribal fashion. Cost: 2000sp

Identify: When worn, there is an 80% chance the character will transform into a rat (with all the benefits and penalties that implies), and a 20% chance that everyone, including the wearer’s friends, will simply see them as a rat. Only the wearer can tell the difference. Once it has been worn, the mask’s effects will remain the same for 1 week.

6. Flickering Prism Ioun Stone Cost: 1200sp.

Identify: Ioun Stone 151 “The IOUN stone of absolute desperation stores a massive amount of positive energy. The user can employ this stone only a limited number of times, allowing for the casting of any single spell at 1d3+1 levels higher and at maximum effect, causing a -2 penalty on any saves made against the chosen spell’s effects. The stone has a base chance of 50% of crumbling after its initial use, with an increase of +10% per use.”

7. A compass which will always point towards the location of the last person whose blood was dribbled on the needle. Cost: 3800sp

8. A housecat-sized grizzly bear in a cage. Cost: 500sp

d100 Restocking List:

1.A long-lived, 4 inch tall woman. Claims to be the daughter of a woman who fell in love with a beetle. Does not appreciate being sold as a curio, but is under a curse and must obey whomever purchases her until they die. Even if they wish to free her. Cost: 4200sp

2. An entrancing box of chocolates. When offered to anyone, their reaction roll is immediately considered Friendly. Once offered, the recipient will consume the chocolates, and the item will become useless. Cost: 900sp

3. The crest of the Wizard Overlord for Level 7, Column D. Cost: 4000sp

4. A piece of brown chalk. Cost: 300sp
Identify: When a circle is drawn on the ground with this chalk, a simple one-room hut of wood will appear. Max diameter 15’

5. A door which, when rested against a wall and knocked upon, becomes a real functioning door in the wall. One use only. Cost: 500sp

6. A scroll of Fireball as the AD&D spell. Cost: 1400sp

7. A scroll of Cone of Cold as the AD&D spell. Cost: 2000sp

8. A scroll of Ice Storm as the AD&D spell. Cost: 1700sp

9. A scroll of Shocking Grasp as the AD&D spell. Cost: 800sp

10. Triple Barrel Pistol. Takes 3 times as long to load, but each barrel can be fired individually or together. Cost: 1500sp

11. Sure Tangle Whip. Any non-threatening object which a whip could easily wrap around, the whip will tightly wrap around on a successful attack roll. Rafters or teacups are good examples. Enemy feet or weapons don’t work. Cost: 600sp

12. Unknottable rope. Completely mundane in all respects, save that any knot tied with the rope, regardless of the skill with which it was tied, will immediately come undone as soon as pressure is placed upon it. Cost: 100sp

13. Gloves which chill anything they touch. This cannot be used as an attack, but will keep your drinks from getting warm. Cost: 100sp

14. A codpiece with a large, upwards turning horn on it. Cost: 200sp
Identify: Nothing

15. A stone dagger. Carved elaborately. Cost: 500sp
Identify: Nothin’

16. A glass dagger. Cost: 500sp
Identify: A glasstouch dagger, as seen in Magical Marvels 10.

17. A small, pocket sized horse made of jade. Cost: 400sp Identify: Nothin’

18. A metal skullcap covered in 6” long spikes, spaced 3” apart. Cost: 3500sp
Identify: Grants the wearer a +2 bonus to rolls to resist charm effects. And, if successfully saved against, the helm deals 2d8 damage to the caster of said spell.

19. A blue speckled egg with the words “Hat of Five Birds” written in gold letters around it. Cost: 1500sp
Identify: A Hat of 5 Birds, as seen in Magical Marvels 14.

20. A deck of Illusions. Each card pulled from the deck will cause an illusion to materialize. (As seen in Magical Marvels 15) Cost: 1200sp

21. A staff topped with a skull, roses grow from the eye sockets. A spellcaster may tap it on the ground, and expend one of their spells for the day, to unleash a blast of spores. Targets must save v. breath or become infected with the sproes. 1 turn later they must make a save v. magic. On success, they take 2d8 damage as the spores die. On failure, the spores wrap around their brain, and they become the spellcaster’s minions for one week, then die. Cost: 12,500sp

22. A snarling cat’s mouth with a blade erupting from it. Somewhat crudely carved on the hilt is the name “Skarper.” This weapon provides a +1 bonus to attack and damage, and the wielder gains darkvision, as well as a +2 bonus to any attempt to flee from or avoid combat. Cost: 2400sp

23. Spear of many. When thrown, this spear magically multiplies into a barrage of 10 spears. If the to hit roll was successful, the target takes 1d10 times normal spear damage. If the roll was a failure, the target still takes 1d4 times normal spear damag. Unfortunately, it takes a full day for the conjured spears to disappear, so after combat, the character must either carry 10 spears around all day, or risk losing the one true magic spear. Cost: 8,000sp

24. A 1” tall featureless figurine which takes on the appearance of anyone who picks it up. Once purchased, it imprints on its owner, and will no longer change shape. At will, the owner may trade places with the figurine, appearing wherever the figurine was, while the figurine appears wherever the owner was. After each use there is a 2% chance the figurine will crumble to dust. Cost: 2500sp

25. A codpiece with a large, outwards spike of steel on it. Cost: 200sp
Identify: Can be used to launch lightning bolts at foes with an aggressive hip thrust. Save v. Devices or take 1d6 damage.

26. A specially designed pistol with a brace of 20 capsules. Each capsule can be fired at a target within 5’, exploding in a puff of powdery smoke from the end of the gun, and being inhaled by the victim. That target must save v. poison to avoid the effects of the powder. On failure, the one who fired the gun must make a charisma check, with the target’s hit dice as a penalty. If they succeed, the target becomes their obedient servant for 2d4 weeks before the powder wears off. If the charisma check is failed, there is an 80% chance the target will become crazed and violent, gaining a +4 to both hit and damage rolls. The other 20% of the time, the target’s head explodes. Cost: 5,000sp

27. A small cymbal the size of a saucer. When rapped with the knuckles, it creates no sound. Instead, any undead creatures within 100’ wail loudly in pain, revealing their locations. This does not reveal the location of the party, though intelligent undead are likely to realize some foe is nearby. Cost: 400sp

28. A bracelet with simple stick-figure depictions of weapon fighting around it. Cost: 400sp
Identify: A weapon up to medium size can be stored in an extradimensional space inside of this bracelet. As a move action, the weapon can be launched into the owner’s hand.

29. A chainmail bikini. Grants a base armor class of 18, and uses only 1 encumberance. Cost: 4000sp

30. A ring of tinkering +1. If the tinkering check is failed, character takes a -4 on any saving throws that would result from failure. Cost: 700sp

31. A ring with a large diamond on it. The ring allows the player to grant any other person’s wish. However, the wish ceases to function if the player who granted the wish comes within 500’ of the person whose wish was granted. (Resuming function once they are again sufficiently far apart). A wish cannot be coerced. Cost: 3000sp

32. A ring which makes the hand that wears it completely invulnerable. If the sun goes supernova, your hand–ending at the wrist–will be all that remains. Cost: 1100sp.

33. A ring with a small length of string sprouting from its outside edge–perhaps 1/3rd of an inch. Cost: 300sp
Identify: Anything thrown with this hand, while wearing this ring, will return to the hand as soon as it stops moving, flying backwards through the battlefield. Ammunition from bows, crossbows, etc do not count.

34. A ring which makes any weapon the wearer holds poisonous. (If damage rolled is in the upper half of the weapon’s damage range, target must save v. poison or take 3d6 Con damage over 2 turns). Once put on, this ring can never be taken off without removing the finger. (“You feel a dozen spikes around the ring drilling through meat and deep into the bone of your finger.”) While ring is worn, your own poison save is reduced by 1. Cost: 2000sp

35. A mummified finger. If your own finger is cut off and this one attached in its place, you permanently lose 1 point of charisma, but gain the use of a “Hold Person” touch attack once per day. Cost: 1300sp

36. Box of Snuff. 20 doses. Cost: 500sp
Identify: When used, you may act twice per round for the duration of the combat it is used in. (Using it counts as an action in combat). At the end of combat, save v. poison, or pass out for 1d4 hours.

37. A bullseye lantern. If shined in the eyes of a foe (An attack action) they must make a save v. devices or suffer the same blindness as if Light had been cast on their eyes. Cost: 800sp

38. A 10’ pole with a permanent “Knock” spell on the tip of it. Touch a door, and the door will pop open. Does not work if the door is locked with a mechanical lock of -1 difficulty or more. Does work if the door is barred from the other side, or Wizard locked. Cost: 1800sp

39. A muddy pair of boots and overalls. When worn, no one will remember what you look like if they try to describe you later, unless you specifically speak to them. People who might already recognize you from seeing your face previously must make a wisdom save to successfully recognize you. Cost: 800sp

40. A book. It is locked (tinkering required to open it). If “Read Magic” is cast on the runes on the cover, it reads “Do not begin a thing you cannot finish.” Cost: 2000sp
Identify: Anyone who begins reading the book cannot stop reading until they are finished. Unfortunately, the book is supernaturally long, and they cannot eat, drink, or sleep while they read. The base time to read the book is 3 days. Make an Int check. For each four points by which the check succeeds, it takes one less day. For each two points by which the check fails, it takes one more day. Characters take 1d6 damage each day. If they survive, their Intelligence is permanently increased by 1d3, to a maximum of 18.

41. A hairbrush. Cost: 150sp
Identify: When you brush your hair with it, your hair’s color changes. Takes 1 turn, can change to any color that exists.

42. A simple leather belt with a bronze buckle. Once per week, wearer may give stern orders to anyone of their same species which is still considered a child. (12 and under for humans). The child is beholden to follow all orders from the wearer for 24 hours, as if under the effects of Charm Person. However, the child is intimidated, not charmed. Cost: 800sp

43. A snorkel which legs longer the deeper the wearer goes, or the higher the water rises. Air will always reach someone using this snorkel, so long as there is a straight line between them and the surface. (Won’t function in underwater caves, for example). Cost: 600sp

44. Goggles of detect magic. While worn, it is as though you are constantly under the effects of a Detect Magic spell. For each turn worn, roll a save v. devices. On failure, you go blind for a number of days equal to the number of turns the goggles were worn. Cost: 1300sp

45. An admiral’s hat, with ribbons on one side. Cost: 200sp
Identify: Nothin’

46. A plumed headdress. Cost: 200sp
Identify: While worn, you can speak to birds.

47. A tri-corner hat. While worn, you have a chance to cut off some creature’s heads on a hit roll of 20. For creatures with 1-2 hit dice, the chance is 100%. 3-5HD creatures at 50%, and 6-7HD creatures at 20%. Cost: 10,000sp

48. A band of gold to wrap around your head, gems stud the outside of it, Four large golden horns curve up to the center, where they meet high above your head. Cost: 10,000sp
Identify: Nothin

49. A band of gold metal to go ‘round your head. Flowing golden cloth encapsules your hair, and falls down around your shoulders. (Like a pharoes headdress) Cost: 8,000sp
Identify: The headdress of the god king. A reaction roll of 12 with HD1 creatures will cause them to revere you as a god.

50. A human scalp, reinforced with hard leather. Grants a +6 on saving throws versus magic or devices. Allies all suffer -1. Cost: 4000sp

51. A crinkled wrapping of thin, soft metal. It is shaped to be fit over the head. When worn, you are immune to any mind affecting spells, or psionic attacks. However, everything which comes out of your mouth is pure maddness. No one can have a reaction roll better than neutral with you. Cost: 1500sp

52. A pocketwatch. Only tells time when a monster is encountered. If the individual monster with the highest HD has more HD than you, the watch will read “Time to Run,” if they have equal, it will read “Time to talk,” if they have less, it will read “Time to crush the weak!” Cost: 1000sp

53. A cuckoo clock which chimes anytime someone is about to attack you from hiding. Comes with straps so it can be worn as a backpack, requiring a full encumberance slot. Cost: 600sp

54. Sandles of peaceful travel. While traveling overland, you get where you’re going with no encounters, and no memories of having travelled. Save v. poison or lose 1d6 x 5% of carried coinage. Cost: 1200sp

55. A dwarven beard-ring which causes your beard to look particularly grand. Dwarfs react at plus 2, and goblings & giants of 10 HD or less (total, as a group) must check morale or flee immediately before you. Cost: 2000sp

56. A monocle. Those who don’t know you assume you’re landed gentry, regardless of any other clothes you’re wearing. Cost:600sp

57. Sash of holding. Each such sash may hold 1d4 + 1 weapons without adding anything to encumberence. The sash itself is 1 item. Cost: 1600sp

58. Sash of dancing. You become the greatest dancer in the world whilst wearing this. Only the gods themselves could challenge your skill. Cost: 3000sp

59. A mask which, when worn, takes on the appearance of your own face, only upside down. While wearing it, you may attempt to turn undead as a cleric of half your hit dice once per day. Cost: 1000sp

60. A blank mask. Grants +1 to Vanish checks. Allows non-specialists to make vanish checks at 1-in-6.

61. A goat mask. Devils will treat you as though you are the very lowest ranking form of devil. (Because all goats are devils).

62. A pig which has been fed all of its life on a steady diet of dragonsbane. If a dragon eats it, they must save v. poison or die. Cost: 2000sp

63. A black potion with purple bubbles. Cost: 500sp
Identify: Raise all stats to 18 for 1 day.

64. A modern revolver with 2d12 bullets. The bullets cannot be manufactured, due to the high amount of precision required. Has a +2 to hit for ease of use, and deals 2d10 damage. If either die rolls a 10, the target must save v. poison or die. Cost: 1500sp

65. A vest which grants the wearer gaseous form as the spell at will, but only functions if no one is looking at them when they use it. Can be worn with other armor. Cost: 4000sp

66. A large robe, cannot be worn with any other armors. Grants spell resistence of 10% to the character which wears it. Cost: 3000sp

67. A cape which allows the wearer to perform minor acts of prestedigitation. Pulling rabbits from hats, and creating entertaining sparkles of light, etc. Cost: 700sp

68. A hand drill which drills completely silently. Cost: 200sp

69. A dragon’s heart. If eaten, save v., poison. If you fail you lose 1d6 con. If you succeed you gain 1d2. Cost: 300sp

70. A trained monkey. Loyalty 6, climb is 5-in-6, stealth and sleight of hand are both 3-in-6. Cost: 1100sp

71. A bronze snake headed staff. Cost: 1200sp
Identify: Allows a magic user to speak to serpents. Intelligent reptiles encountered must save v. magic. On a failure the caster gainst a +2 to their reaction roll, on a failure they take a -2 penalty because it is shameful for a non-reptile to have the staff. Staff also allows wielder to cast “Sticks to Snakes” once per day.

72. A silver snake headed staff. Cost: 1200sp
Identify: Nada

73. A pokearm which can be set against a charge, and will remain set in that spot even if you walk away. Does not move until it draws blood (which can be a harmless finger prick if you need to pick it up again). Cost: 900sp

74. A sling which always hits whatever you aim at, but never deals any damage. The impact is always just a firm tap. Cost: 600sp

75. A vampire’s tooth. While held, any cannibalism you engage in restores 2d6 hit points. Additionally, if you ever encounter the vampire whose tooth it is (1% chance each time you encounter a vampire), the tooth will give you some small measure of power over the vampire for as long as they don’t know you have it. (If they see it, your power is broken, and they will hunt you to the ends of the earth). Cost: 1100sp

76. A quill, made of peacock plume. Cost: 300sp
Identify: Nada

77. A quill, made from parrot feather. Cost: 300sp
Identify: If dipped in a person’s blood, then anything written in that person’s blood, they will say out loud as soon as you finish writing it. (Max 1 page.)

78. A bright blue potion which swirls of its own volition. Cost: 250sp
Identify: Heals 1d10+1

79. A potion which fades from pink to purple depending on the our of the day. Cost: 250sp
Identify: The imbiber can levitate up and down only. Spell ends when their feet touch the ground.

80. A black potion which looks white around the edges where it touches the container. Cost: 250sp
Identify: A potion of deliberation. No random encounters occur. Any creature you seek to encounter appears within 1 turn of beginning your search.

81. A bronze cooking pan. Cost: 150sp
Identify: Anything cooked in the pan is seasoned and marinated excellently. It’s a bitch to clean, though.

82. Teapot. Cost: 200sp
Identify: Any water in the teapot will boil within 1 minute.

83. An urn. When opened, an ash beast will be released, and attack your foes. When your foes are destroyed, the ash beast will attempt to leave. If you hold the urn towards the creature, it must save v. device. If it fails, it is returned to the jar. If it succeeds, the urn shatters, and the creature will attack you. Cost: 800sp

84. A bull headed staff. Cost: 2000sp
Identify: The wielder of the staff gains +2 strength. Those hit with the staff (with a melee attack roll) must save v. device or be knocked backwards 1d4 x 5’. If the wielder of this staff stands in the path of a charging beast, the beast must save v. magic or stop its charge. (It will still be hostile. If it succeeds, the MU will be hit by the charge. Minotaurs who see someone wielding this staff will become enraged.

85. A unicorn headed staff made of lightweight metal, unfamiliar to you. Cost: 2000sp
Identify: Nothing

86. A steel staff. The top twists like a net around a dozen rattling rat skulls. Cost: 2000sp
Identify: The wielder of this staff may summon a swarm of 12 rats each day. The swarm understands his verbal commands, but is unable to perform any task which would require more than normal rat intelligence.

87. A staff of red wood. At the tip is an eternal candle flame. Cost: 2000sp
Identify: Nada

88. A longsword which can’t hit in melee. It only hits targets which are at a distance. Targets 10’ away can be attacked normally. For each additional 10’ of distance, the attacker suffers a -2 to their hit roll. Cost: 3000sp

89. A longsword. On a successful hit, roll 1d4. On a 1-3, the sword deals only 1 damage. On a 4, the sword deals 10 damage. Cost: 1900sp

90. A Shortsword. On a killing blow, the victim explodes in a 20’ cone of boiling blood away from their attacker. Anyone in that area takes 3d6 damage, save v. breath for half. Cost: 2000sp

91. A crossbow which ignores all armor, but takes a full round to reload. Cost: 1500sp

92. A crossbow which fires bolt with a string of light attached to them. On successfully dealing damage, target must save v. paralyzation or be pulled into melee range with the crossbow wielder. Cost: 2000sp

93. 3 charming arrows. Those who are struck by them must save v. device, or be affected by a charm spell until the arrow is removed. Cost: 200sp each

94. Arrow of Unmaking. Target of a successful hit must save v. poison, or the arrow goes back in time and kills one of their parents as a child, making it as though they had never existed. Cost: 400sp

95. A shield which floats in the air, allowing the wielder to use two handed weapons. However, the shield gets in the way a bit, causing a -2 to attack rolls. Cost: 900sp

96-100. Roll a random Ioun Stone from Quann’ra-tioll Moorchlyne’s Most Excellent Compilation of all the realm’s known Ioun Stones. (A superlative game aide. There is nothing more to be written about Ioun Stones.)

Ideas for Replacement Table Replacements

-An arrow which causes all of the target’s ammunition to teleport to you.
-A Shield Shatter Arrow
-A shield. Each arrow that misses you has a 15% chance to ricochet at an enemy.
-A shield. Pour lantern oil on it, it becomes a giant lantern.
-A shield which can be sacrificed to negate a breath effect for the entire party.
-A suit of plate which grants a +2 to saves v. breath, but a -20’ penalty to movement.
-A suit of plate which can be slept in without any penalty.
-A suit of chain. When foes roll a 1, their weapons get stuck between the links of your armor, and they cannot get them out.
-A suit of chain which grants 1 more AC than normal, but missiles fired at allies have a 50% chance to redirect towards you.
-A suit of chain which can cast remove curse on the wearer once every 3 months.
-A halberd which is spectrally attuned. It strikes incorporeal creatures as if they were corporeal.
-A sword which, when drawn, releases a cloud of ash.

Randomly removed from the shop:

  • A bottle of decent-ish red wine which replenishes its own contents as it is drunk. (You drink a cup, it restores one cup’s worth.) Cost: 400sp
  • A 1’ long rod with a switch on the end. Once pressed, the rod will never move from its current position relative to its environment, until the switch is pressed again. Cost: 700sp
  • IIoun Stone 598, Small Grey Cube. “Once per day for the duration of 2 rounds, this IOUN stone allows its owner to use the stone sensing abilities of a Dwarf. Dwarves do not gain any benefit from this stone” Cost: 1500sp

The 1 Hour Dungeon

Remember when you told your mom that you were leaving food out “as an experiment?” but really you just didn’t want to clean it up? No? That was just me? Well that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing with my GMing lately. I’ve been shamefully avoiding preparation, and justifying my laziness by calling it an experiment in improvisation. But unlike my childhood self, I’m legitimately interested in how the experiment will turn out. So after working on being a better improvisor for the last few weeks, I thought it would be an interesting change of pace to sit down and give myself a single hour to create an entire dungeon adventure. The idea is to simulate the time crunch I experience while improvising a dungeon for my players, while still actually preparing something in advance of the game.

This is what I came up with, all within 60 minutes, which includes the map. I have cleaned up the text a bit, though. I don’t want to ask anyone to understand my sketchy shorthand.

Note that my thought is that this would be used with a game system similar to the one I wrote about last Wednesday. The idea is that the players begin with no classes at all, similar to The Funnel of DCC RPG. As they play through this dungeon, they will seek to define their character.

General Info:

Old man Herst recently pulled down a bunch of trees at the end of his property. His onions were profitable last year, and he’d like to increase his crop this year. While tilling the soil, though, he discovered the most peculiar thing: a stone stairway! Leading right down into the earth! It was the damndest sight he ever done seen, and when he was telling the tale down at the pub that evening, you overheard him.

It’s perhaps 2 in the morning now, and you and your friends have gathered around the stairs. You’ve heard it said that treasures can sometimes be found beneath the earth–treasure enough that a bunch of farm hands like yourselves could buy a better life for yourselves.

Room 1: The walls and floor are a moss-covered flagstone. Stones are missing here and there, exposing the earth. The ceiling is almost entirely exposed earth, supported by stone arches which criss-cross the ceiling. Roots poke through here and there, and it looks as though it wouldn’t take much for the dirt to collapse into the room. These conditions persist throughout the dungeon, unless otherwise indicated.

There’s also a good deal of timber in this room, stacked in piles against the east and western walls. It is clearly old and rotten, perhaps part of the structure which originally stood over these stairs.

Exits to the North and South are visible upon entering the room. The secret exit to the West can be revealed by moving the timber aside.

There are 6 mouse-folk here, huddled in the corner and clutching their clubs. Their fur is mottled, and they appear to be malnourished.

Room 2: The walls have corpse shelves here, though most of these are empty. There are 12 shelves in all, but only three bodies remain. Close examination of any of the empty shelves will reveal a small pressure plate in roughly the same spot on each shelf. Pressing the plate does nothing. Close examination of the wall across from any shelf will reveal a small hole, the purpose of which is unclear.

Moving any of the three bodies which remain releases the pressure plate under their heads, and a crossbow bolt is fired at the player’s back from across the room. Also under each of these bodies, roughly where the small of the back would be, is a small ovoid piece of amber. Each is worth 10gp.

Room 3: Some of the floor stones here have been pulled free, and water from above has formed into a pond which is 2ft deep at its deepest point. There are six mouse people here, drinking the water. Two more stand guard.

Aside from the water, there are three shelves in the room which were once filled with books. The shelves have now been knocked over, and the books scattered about the floor. Most are torn to pieces, and nearly all of them are covered in black mildew and small mushrooms. Thoroughly searching through the books will reveal only one book which is still in good condition. It is written in an odd script, but anyone who makes a successful intelligence check will strangely be able to read it.

Studying the book from cover-to-cover takes 8 hours. Once completed, the reader’s mind will be awakened to magical power. The player may immediately become a 1st level wizard, and may use this book to prepare a 5lb Mage Hand spell.

Once someone has been awakened in this manner, the book must rest for 100 years before it can awaken another.

Room 4: Most of the stones from the walls and ceiling have been piled in the center of the room in a 4ft high mass. Mouse folk have burrowed small nests in the dirt here. There are 14 adult mouse people here, and 26 young.

Beneath the pile of stone is a small chest containing the treasures of the mouse people: 16 gp, 42 sp, 317 cp, and 1 ruby worth 25gp.

The secret door in this room is opened by pushing on a hidden stone, and can only be discovered by performing a search check on the appropriate wall.

Room 5: In the center of this room is a wooden chair with skulls piled up around the base of it. Several skulls are nailed to the sides and legs of the chair as well. A young man in black robes with skulls haphazardly sewn onto the shoulders is nervously pacing here. He is Hezaphezus the Malevolent Bringer of Doom and Unlife. An inept necromancer of 18 years. He already cast all of his spells for the day, but carries a dagger and a Wand of Cold, which deals 1d6 damage and has 1d10 charges. Also on his person are 30 gp.

Room 6: Eight shambling corpses are here, banging on the door which leads to room 5. If zombies can show emotion, these zombies are angry. They’re so intent on getting through the door that they will not pay attention to the players unless they are attacked.

The flagstones on the floor of this room make a spiral pattern which twists towards the center of the room. At the center of the floor is a glass lens, about 1ft in diameter. If you look through it, you will see the plane which your soul would be bound for if you died today.

Room 7: This is the lair of the Spidersnake. The room has no obvious features upon entering. However, it is bisected by the web of the spidersnake, and anyone attempting to move from one door to the other will become tangled.

The spidersnake itself rests in a web funnel it made in the ceiling of the room. Among the bodies in this funnel the players can find 40 sp, 8gp, and a sword whose blade always seems to be covered in a thin layer of green slime. This is a Sword of Rotbane, which sets fire to any undead it successfully strikes.

Room 8: A statue on the Western wall stretches an arm straight out, pointing at a spot on the floor. The statue wears a crown. If the base of the statue is inspected, the players will find writing which reads only “The Pretender.”

Any player who kneels before the statue will cause a crossbow bolt to fire from the tip of the pointing finger.

Stairs: The dungeon descends further down…though to what I have not yet determined.

When Ginny Bo Fails a Morale Check

A few months back, in Vaults of Pahvelorn, my character Eriara’s apprentice died. It was really too bad, he’d shown a great deal of promise (took out an entire flock of pegasi)! but ultimately succumbed to one of the most ancient sources of character death: a large rolling stone. We weren’t even able to recover his hat.

I told the mighty Brendan that Eriara would like to search for a new apprentice. As she’s only 12 herself, I noted that I’d very much prefer a young apprentice. Someone who wouldn’t have any problems taking orders from a child. Brendan did some rolling, and informed me that the only hireling available was an 86 year old man.

I was…annoyed.

I wasn’t upset or even really frustrated, mind you, but annoyed. I had gotten the exact opposite of what I wanted, and since magical healing in Pahvelorn has a small chance to age your character by 1 year, this 86 year old bastard may well die of old age. I understand that in this form of play, we give dice the power to tell us how the world exists. Sometimes it doesn’t exist in a way which is advantageous to us. I embrace that, but it doesn’t mean I’m always happy about what I get.

I took him, because he was the best I could get. I dubbed “Ginny Bo” because it sounded ridiculous and I wanted to make this imaginary person feel bad about being my only option. I didn’t train him as a magic user. I intended to use him merely as a torch bearer until we got back to our home town where I could search for a proper hireling. But then something started happening.

I don’t remember if it was Brendan, or I, or someone else who said it. But it was agreed that Ginny Bo had lived a long and boring life. That he regretted not being more adventurous in his youth. He had decided to jam all of the life he could manage into his last years. This was convenient for me, since I kinda wanted him to die. Using this as justification, I sent him into all manner of dangerous scrapes. And even though he was rarely effective, he somehow managed to end up alive at the end of every session. I began to inject more personality in the character for shits and giggles. Before I started to like him, the rest of the party already loved him. That proved infectious because soon enough, I loved him too.

His adventures at this point are too numerous to recount, but you’ll find hints of them in the ever-lengthening titles he’s given to himself: Ginny Bo of the Devil’s Helm. Wielder of the Black Sword Obynig, called “Butter Steel.” The Giantslayer. The sludgifier of the Great Worm.

All of that is my long, rambling way of leading up to my problem: morale checks. In OD&D, when a player character tells a hireling to do something which places them in particular danger, the GM makes a die roll to determine whether that hireling will obey, or flee. The mechanic is important, because it prevents the player from having a bunch of entirely expendable pawns they can order about without repercussions. But it doesn’t work for Ginny Bo.

The crazy things Ginny Bo does aren’t done because Eriara orders him to do them. He does these crazy things because he’s a glory hound eager to make his mark on the world before he dies. If he were ever to fail a morale check (which he hasn’t yet) and flee from danger, it would break the wonderful illusion of his character which has amused us all so very much. Yet as a GM myself, I wouldn’t ask Brendan to exempt Ginny Bo from the rules for role playing reasons. That’s just not how I like to play.

Fortunately, I came up with a better idea. Last week I got permission from Brendan to draft a random chart. One which will serve as an alternative to mere flight in the event that Ginny Bo ever does fail a morale check. The idea is that while Ginny Bo will never flee from danger, he might become so wrapped up in the adventure that he acts to the detriment of himself or the party.

Here is the chart, as I’ve drafted it. A 1d6 should be rolled in out-of-combat situations (such as dungeon exploration), whereas a 1d12 should be rolled in combat.

  1. Ginny Bo begins to monologue. He rants about his greatness and his achievements.
  2. He opens the nearest door and charges through it heedless of the danger, or charges deeper into the most dangerous looking part of the wilderness.
  3. He attempts an overly complicated maneuver and throws out his back. For the next 3 turns he can’t do much more than walk around and carry a few things.
  4. Ginny Bo realizes HE ought to be the party leader! He begins barking orders at the rest of the party. All of his ideas are terrible.
  5. Falls asleep, probably standing up. He is very old, you know.
  6. Regardless of any need for stealth, he shouts his name and attempts whatever task he was given recklessly. He will probably fail spectacularly.
  7. Ginny Bo drops his weapon and headbutts the nearest enemy. (Probably while wearing the Devil Helm).
  8. He puffs out his chest and taunts enemies. Possibly offering them a “free shot.”
  9. Attempts to perform a Karate-Kid style leg sweep. There is absolutely no power behind it, and he looks like quite a fool impotently kicking at his opponent’s legs.*
  10. Tries to twirl his weapons around in a fancy display of swordsmanship. Drops his weapon.
  11. Tosses aside any armor which can be easily removed and declares “I can take ye’ naked!”
  12. Attempts to tackle opponent and wrestle them on the floor. Regardless of the opponent’s size.

*This may or may not be based on an actual childhood experience.

Map Monday

I’ve been working on making better dungeon maps lately. Incorporating interesting elements, creating large branching paths, stuff like that. This is my most recent attempt which I probably won’t be using for anything. I’ve recently become enamored of dungeons with rivers running through them. It’s an interesting way to incorporate something natural into the generally artificial dungeon environment, and serves as an interesting tool for both exploration and encounters.

If you’ve any desire to use this, feel free.

Magical Marvels 9: Fifty Ring Descriptions

When my players encounter a finely crafted piece of treasure–be it magical or not–I like to give them a few details about that item’s appearance. It’s not just a finely crafted breastplate. But it has gold inlays which depict the moon on one breast, the sun on the other, and a duel between two swordsmen below it. Maybe it’s not the most important thing for a GM to do, but it lends character and depth to the game world, and that’s never a bad thing.

For some reason, I’ve always found that rings inspire my creativity more than other types of treasure. So as a change of pace, instead of using magical marvels to describe a single powerful magic item, below I’ve compiled 50 unusual ring designs. None of the below include any particular magical effects, but most of the below descriptions are not specific to a given effect. They could be used for many different kinds of magic rings. Or they may not be magical at all, merely finely crafted pieces of jewelry the players can sell for gold.

After a few hours I capped it at 50. You can peruse this list as a source of inspirational fluff, or use the numbers I included to use it as a d% chart. Full disclosure, I started out wanting to make a list of 100 rings. Turns out that is super hard. Also hard: describing the different parts of a ring. Does anyone know of a resource for learning the words which describe rings? Google turned up a lot of terms which describe gems, but not a lot which describe the rings themselves. I hope the words I chose are clear, or at least decipherable!

1-2) A silver band with the final line of a well known poem engraved around the outside, and flecked with gold. The inside edge has a small spike which prick’s the wearer’s finger while the ring is worn.

3-4) A ring of gold with 3 links of golden chain attached to it. At the end of the chain is a small emerald, with an ancient rune expertly carved into its largest facet.

5-6) A mithril ring with the figure of wizard standing upon it. Deft fiddling will reveal that the wizard’s hat can be turned, and removed, revealing a small diamond within the figure’s head.

7-8) A glass band which appears, in most respects, very plain. However, when light is shone upon it, colors weave and dance within the glass. Despite its magic, the glass is still quite fragile.

9-10) A black ring of an unfamiliar material, which has a large seal on it. The seal depicts a droplet falling into a small puddle. The substance being depicted is unclear. Different color inks may appear to be different fluids

11-12) A hollow ring of transparent glass. The ring is filled with water which mysteriously flows around the band. Flecks of gold in the water dance and twirl in the current.

13-14) A pair of iron tongs, the ends of which are each one half of a circlet just large enough for a finger. If heated in a fire, the tongs can be used to brand a ring around someone’s finger.

15-16) A copper ring, with depictions of scales embossed around its edge.

17-18) A smooth ring of silver. A band of gold–approximately 1/5th the ring’s width–is inlaid around the center of the ring’s outside edge.

19-20) A ring of steel with several cogs attached to it. These cogs are interlocking, and spin freely. They have no obvious mechanical purpose, however.

21-22) A gold ring which splits into two bands at the crest, with a darkly tinted lens mounted between them.

23-24) A pair of twisting bands, one silver, one gold. Each wraps around the finger twice, forming a single ring.

25-26) Red copper which is masterfully crafted to look like a fox wrapped around the wearer’s finger, with emeralds for eyes, and a tail which extends back along the wearer’s finger.

27-28) A square of gold with a ruby on each of the four corners. The flat edges fit snugly around a finger.

29-30) An arm of gold, clasping an arm of silver, clasping an arm of copper, which in turn clasps the arm of gold, forming a ring.

31-32) A ring of ivory, carved to look like a single long finger, wrapping around in a full 360 degrees.

33-34) A braid of iron bands wrapping around a speckled purple sphere.

35-36) The band itself is constructed of intricately curving strands of silver, supporting a flat skull of jade, painted with bright colors and wearing a large grin.

37-38) A gold coin of an ancient empire mounted on a golden band.

39-40) A strand of steel shaped like an arrow, twisted into a finger-sized circle.

41-42) A circlet of mithril, the exterior of which is covered in dozens of tiny spikes. In the center is a small, ocean blue sapphire. In the center of the sapphire is a tiny white sphere. It’s unclear how that sphere was placed within the gem.

43-44) A simple silver band with a weaving braid embossed around its edge.

45-46) The outside of the band is circled repeatedly by a number of deep grooves which are spaced evenly. What you or I would recognize as a thread.

47-48) This shiny silver band has a large concave plate in place of a signet. The surface of the plate is bare, save for a ring of tiny obsidian stones around the inside edge.

49-50) A ring carved seemingly from marble, with engravings of a crown, a sword, and a bull’s head on the outside edge. On the inside edge of the ring is a carving written in ancient common: “Power through adversity.”

51-52) This golden band has two large bumps on it, each covered in flecks of diamond. The bumps appear to be modeled after an insect’s compound eye.

53-54) A ring carved from jade depicts a might tiger which moves around the wearer’s finger, and bites its own tail.

55-56) This ring of platinum has numerous small images engraved on the outside of it. They depict a woman in many stages of life. Being born, learning to walk, growing into a woman, fighting mighty battles, bearing children, growing old, and finally dying.

57-58) The signet of this jade ring is an elaborate flower, made of numerous gems. Rubies and saphires make two layers of petals, wrapping around a large amber stone in the center. Within the amber is a petrified bee.

59-60) A delicate brass ring shaped to look like a feather, bent so the end of the vane meets the quill.

61-62) Carved from ivory, this ring looks like a tiny dragon’s skull, with the wearer’s finger going through the skull’s mouth.

63-64) A delicate ring carved from platinum to resemble a royal tiara, which fits around a finger instead of a head.

65-66) A wooden ring, thick with bark on the outside. At the crest of the ring, where a gem would normally sit, grows a thick pad of damp moss.

67-68) This smooth ring carved from jade has two arms extending from its crest. Between their hands, the arms hold a small ball of glass.

69-70) Upon the crest of this red stone ring rests a bird exquisitely carved from sapphire.

71-72) Two iron rings connected by a chain of finest mithril. If worn on adjacent fingers, this does not affect dexterity.

73-74) A band cut directly from a sapphire. At the crest of the ring, a tiny copper ship rests, as though it were drifting on a sapphire sea.

75-76) The signet of the ring appears to be a spider laying dead on its back. The spider’s 8 curling legs clasp tightly to a white pearl.

77-78) A goblin’s face graces the crest of this iron ring. He grins widely, and three small rubies are clasped in his mouth.

79-80) This ring of mithril has two circlets, attached together by a long, articulated piece of mithril artistry, made to look like the top side of a dragon’s talon. When worn, this will cover the wearer’s entire finger.

81-82) The crest of this ring is a large square space, where a large pyramidal piece of obsidian is embedded, and held in place by four demon hands clawing it; one from each corner of the square.

83-84) This bizarre platinum band is a sort of ‘reverse signet ring.’ A large oval pad contains some type of firmly affixed clay. The clay can be smoothed over by working it with your finger for a moment, then pressed to an object so it can take its shape.

85-86) This golden ring is topped with a large half-sphere of amber. Flanges of gold protrude in every direction around the amber, like rays from the sun.

87-88) A band of wood with a raised, rectangular opening along the top edge of the ring. Small pieces of ivory have been fitted into this opening, resembling bared teeth.

89-90) A tiny shield of steel is mounted atop this otherwise simple ring of silver.

91-92) An axe blade rises from the crest of this mithril ring. It is quite sharp, and may cause the wearer some incontinent cuts from time to time.

93-94) Both the inside, and the outside edge of the ring are covered in engravings which resemble a top-down map of a city. The city is not known to the players, nor to anyone they take the ring to. It must either be of another world, or so ancient that it has been forgotten entirely.

95-96) This ring is made of layered metals, wrapped one atop the other. The wearer’s finger contacts the ring’s gold, band, atop which is wrapped silver, then brass, and finally platinum.

97-98) Two dozen protruding stems rise from the crest of this platinum band. Atop each stem is a different gemstone: ruby, emerald, obsidian, amber, sapphire, and so on.

99-100) A very tiny candlestick is mounted on the crest of this brass ring. A very tiny candle could be mounted there, though it wouldn’t be very useful, and would likely be a burning hazard.