Session 59 – All Rations are Lunchables

Dramatis Personae
+Adventures of the Mind as Don Harper of Mars
+Linlin Kins as Umquat
+Frotz Self as Varouj
+Ronnie Whelan as Ronnina

Loot
A giant Robot. Details below.

A helpless flesh gremlin.

29 units of Redrock, 5 units of Powdered Glass, 65 units of Human Internals.
Funneling these to the right buyers, Redrock is worth 500 cc each. Powdered glass is worth 7000cc each, and Human Internals in this condition are worth 650 cc each. This comes to a total of 91,750.

Subtracting the 50,000 owed to Firefox, that comes to 41,750 cc/xp total.

That’s 10,438 cc/xp each

Dragon Warrior Monsters Go
Umquat found a Drakee, a Slime, and a Shiny Goldman.

NPC Interactions
Albert the Great thinks fleshlings are creepy as fuck. (Loyalty unchanged)
Norno doesn’t really see the purpose of the Robot (Loyalty unchanged)
Faylana thinks the Robot is like a giant version of her own legs. (Loyalty improves to 10)
Robot Monster is worried the Robot could beat him at arm wrestling. (Loyalty unchanged)
Sheniqua is grumpy about being late to the party (loyalty unchanged)
Dividia Gaym is totes cool with the party taking care of all the hard work before she got there. (Loyalty improved to 5)

Firefox – Contracted by the party to examine their robot. His full analysis costs 50,000cc, which I have already deducted from the treasure haul. Analysis below.

xXxWizadSlayaxXx – Had his robot stolen. Is very upset.

Asperlode the Gazeteerian – Had his shipment of materials stolen. Is very upset.

The Giant Robot
For the pay promised, Firefox worked up a full analysis of the robot.

It works on a small amount of tech, and a lot of magic, hodgepodged together sloppily. If it were to walk through an AntiMagic field at any point, the whole thing would probably fall apart.

It runs on human sacrifice. One dead human soul is enough to operate the robot for 20 minutes. Or three souls to an hour. There are enough dead people in the fuel tank to operate the robot for another 6 hours or so before it needs to be refueled.

If the party has any questions about the robot, ask away, and they can be added to this report.

Haven Turn
Haven Die: 6, “GUN AUCTION,” BG Launcher. Fires grenades which deal 3d6 damage to everything within a 10′ area. Grenades can be safely “Bounced” a few times before they explode, allowing them to be deployed around corners. Cost: 100,000cc.

Umquat: Training Torture up to Expert (Month 3 of 5)

Don Harper: Completes training up to “Expert” with Machine Guns (Month 5 of 5) Congratulations! You’ve gained the expertise feat “Swift” when using machine guns.

Ronnina: ???

Varouj: Begins Weight Training. (+1 to str), (month 1 of 3)

Highlights Recap
Facing off against the Digital Demon Anti Virus, initiative was rolled. The party won, and Don Harper set about trying to resolve the situation with sly talk. He promised AntiVirus access to a much more powerful computer to live in. Not just a single computer, but a network of computers. He privately hoped to turn this powerful creature into an ally within The Internet’s computer systems.

AntiVirus was initially intrigued, but made clear that it could not accept any deal that would require it to break the EULA. Which meant it could not abandon its post here, could not allow anyone not explicitly mentioned in the agreement to be here, and certainly could not allow the party to take control of the Robot. The party made a few feeble attempts to confuse AntiVirus with wordplay, and by insisting they be allowed to read the EULA, but AntiVirus was not so easily fooled. It loomed over the party, making clear their only choice was to leave or die; and so they chose to fight.

The battle is fierce, and long. Most of the party is still back on the ground, and can only slowly climb their way up into the control chamber. And much of the party who is present feels helpless: AntiVirus is immune to normal physical attacks. Only Varouj’s shortsword can harm it, and only for a few hitpoints at a time.

Worse, the creature’s blows form strange little fleshlings, which tear themselves free from the victim’s body, twist themselves into a mobile shape, then claw and bite at whomever they were torn from, trying to kill their parent.

With all his attacks proving useless against AntiVirus, Don Harper turned his attention to the computer AntiVirus had come from. He tried shutting it down, pulling it apart, shooting it, but nothing worked. The thing seemed possessed, and phenomenally well shielded. Finally he grabbed some Lunchables brand adventurer rations, and squeezed a couple Capri Suns into the fan grill, which finally seemed to work as the computer began to spark. AntiVirus clearly felt that one.

And once Ronnina made it up the rope with her magic, the fight was decided. A few powerful spells, and AntiVirus was defeated. The referee was also convinced that he was done letting magic users have powerful damage spells. Umquat, meanwhile, rendered the last of the Flesh Gremlins helpless, so it could be taken home and held as a captive for unknown purposes.

With nothing else standing between the party and control of the Robot, Don Harper used his phone to log into the robot’s wireless network (“Gobot”), and through some clever hacking, managed to give himself root access, and to define xXxWizadSlayaxXx as a script kiddie.

They loaded up their party, and set off for home, learning the controls as they went along, winding along a circuitous rout. They passed a few interesting things on the ground down below, but mostly just ignored them. Stuff that might normally be scary doesn’t seem so important when you’re up in a giant robot.

At one point, though, they did notice some guy in Dukes of the Dome territory watching them go past, and decided to fuck with him. They followed him for awhile, having the robot mockingly imitate his movements. He fled inside a populated building, which Don Harper directed the robot to push over. Through the robot’s loudspeaker he shouted “STOP FUCKING WITH MUTANTS!” The building was destroyed. Hundreds are dead, and hundreds more are displaced. It’s unknown where the robot came from or why it did what it did, but the Robot Terrorists clearly hate Dukes of the Dome freedom.

Shortly thereafter, the robot returned to Trumpquatia, and hunkered down behind the wall so the party could figure out what to do with it.

Thus ended December, 2517. Happy new year.

Thoughts and theories on tabletop games.