Session 58 – In Which an Al Kohaulic is Murdered, then the Party Tries to Convince Themselves They Aren’t Really That Bad

Alternate Titles
“I was just throwing dicks around because that’s what I do.”

Dramatis Personae
+Adventures of the Mind as Don Harper
+Ronnie Whelan as Ronnina
+Frotz Self as Varouj
+Linlin Kins as Umquat
+Moreven Brushwood as The Four Gobbos

So, Ronnie was right, and Frotz and I were wrong. Spells with a failure chance have a 2-in-6 chance of success. Not a 50/50 chance, as we used this session.

4 Doses of Al Kohol’s Sacred Drink
Umquat purchased a repeating crossbow, like Varouj’s
Footage of the Al Kohaulic cult, which might be sold to Cult Quarterly at some point.

NPC Interactions
Albert The Great Haha, Don got electrocuted. x’D (Loyalty remains 11)
Robot Monster – Taxi drive man was asshole. Robot Monster want smash. Is Robot Monster’s new goal in life. (Loyalty remains 9)
Sheniqua – Haha, yeah, fuck the Al Kohaulics (Loyalty improves to 11)
Dividia Gaym – WE ARE INVINCIBLE (Loyalty improves to 4)
Norno – With a Giant Robot…nothing could stop TBC/404… (Loyalty improves to 11)
Faylana – Geeze…Don is kind of a dick. Why do we associate with him? (Loyalty remains 9)

Mertyl – We checked in on Mertyl this session. Through consistent exercise, she has become increasingly mobile, able to walk and exercise, though not yet being fit enough to adventure.

Portorbo the Porter – Carries shit for Varouj.

The 5 Strapping Young Akiovashans (Plus Bobbert) – Look forward to serving their goddess in the orgy that has been promised.

The Old Woman who Watches Children – Encountered for the second time. Tortured. Warned to stay away from children. Her binoculars were stolen.

A family of Early Bloomers in Fighting Mongoose territory – Was being watched by the old woman. The party did not alert them to this, or introduce themselves at all.

xXxWizadSlayaxXx – Turns out he’s blonde, and wears brown robes.

Farago The Drunkard – A dragon who likes booze. The party did not show the proper respect.

Cult of Al Kohaul – Unnaturally chill dudes. Drink some kind of mystic liquid by bobbing their head into it. Liquid may contain the remains of dead members of the cult

The Taxi Driver – Did not appreciate the party’s attitude.

Money can be spent over Haven Turns to improve Mertyl’s physical state rapidly, via liposuction and XTREME training. 10,000 cc will be sufficient to get her down to adventuring slim.

Highlights Recap
After fulfilling Umquat’s longstanding wish to find the killer of Galens Brook, the party agreed to fulfill Don Harper’s longstanding wish of acquiring the giant robot they had first encountered in Session 41.

As preparation, Don Harper spent some time welding a giant magnet to a grappling hook. Umquat purchased a repeating crossbow similar to Varouj’s. Varouj hired a porter. And Don Harper rallied the cult of Akiovasha, promising them a really great orgy if they would help The 404 acquire the robot. 6 level 1 fighters agreed to come along.

While traveling, the party once again saw a glint of light from the bushes. As before, the Gobbos approached, and as before, a woman with binoculars leaped up to flee the scene. And–as before–the gobbos gave chase, throwing dicks at the woman as they ran. Unlike last time, however, they caught her.

She was an older woman, spry in her late 40s, but with a weathered face that made her look like a woman in her 60s. They interrogated her as to why she had been watching them, but she insisted she hadn’t. She’d been watching “the children.” The party, thoroughly grossed out by this, called her a pervert. She then insisted that it was the children who were the perverts.

Umquat pulled out her chainsaw and set to torturing the woman, whilst Ronnina took her binoculars, and went back to the bush she had been hiding in, to see if she could figure out what the woman had been looking at. She spotted a group of Early Bloomers, between 6 and 10 years old. One was making a bowl, a couple other were repairing a roof. They seemed like fairly simple folk, and oblivious to the fact that they were being watched.

Via torture, Umquat discovered first that the woman was telling the truth: she was watching the children, she did think they were perverse, and she had no sexual designs on them. As a longshot, Umquat also asked if the old woman had seen the robot, which she said she had. It was in Comet Caller territory (which the party already knew), and had a blonde man in a brown robe riding on its shoulder (which they did not).

The party decided to let her live. They told her to stay away from children, and they kept her binoculars. She protested, but the party ignored her and left.

The party moved through Dukes of the Dome territory safely. Then, as they moved through No Man’s Land, they found a trail of brown scales, speckled with black. Umquat stealthily followed the trail, until she found a dragon, leaning up against a wall, grooming itself with its sickle-curved claws.

Abandoning stealth, Umquat approached and introduced herself. The dragon slurred out a command for tribute, insisting that any who approached Farago The Drunkard must produce alcohol, or die. Umquat rolled her eyes at this, and asked the party if they had anything. They manged to rustle up a fermented Giga Zucchini, and offered it to Farago.

The dragon accepted, but warned that they ought to have a better tribute next time. When told that at least their tribute would make her dick better, Farago assured them she was happy not having a dick any better or worse than what she currently had.

The party moved on, and just as they entered Comet Caller territory, they came upon a large novelty bottle, with the broken fragments of a ship beside it. It appeared to have once been an attraction, “mars’ largest ship in a bottle” or something, meant to bring people in to the restaurant. Now, however, a group of people sat inside the bottle in a circle. They were shirtless, with blue skirts, and rings woven into their hair. They made ritual gestures, and took, turns dunking their heads into a large wash basin filled with liquid.

The party climbed int to chat with these folks, and were immediately annoyed by how fuckin “chill” they were. They introduced themselves as the Worshipers of Al Kohaul, and there didn’t seem to be an aggressive bone in these people’s body, and that just stoked the desire of the PCs to bully them.

Don asked for some of the liquid they were dunking their heads into, and they said they would gladly share it if he accepted Al Kohaul into his heart. Given that he’d brought Akiovashan cultists along, Don really couldn’t do that, so he just shoved past them and filled a few containers with the stuff. Also, the Gobbos said they wanted some of their hair rings, which one of the group gladly provided.

The Al Kohaulics said they hoped the party would someday acknowledge that they were doing wrong, and that when they did, they would forgive themselves for their deed. In response, Don pushed one of them down. He asked Don to chill out, so Don set the contents of the wash basin on fire, picked up that guy by his legs, and dunked him into the flames. His body was quickly engulfed, and the party left. On their way out, they saw the other cultists begin to crush up their fallen comrade’s body, and stir it into their sacred liquid.

Umquat, of course, filmed the whole thing. Varouj suggested they might later submit the recording to Cult Quarterly for mad mad mad money.

Upon getting into the boarders of Comet Caller territory, Don Harper tried to climb one of the taller buildings, to see if he could find the robot. He rolled an athletics check…and failed.

Don Harper rolled a d% to determine how far up he was, while the referee rolled 2d6 * 10 to determine how tall the building was. As it turned out, it was a 110 story building, and Don fell after climbing 84% of it. The referee became very excited about the possibility of rolling 92d6 damage.

Unfortunately, Ronnina quickly cast Feather Fall, risking possible spell failure as she didn’t have it prepared that day. No spell failure occurred, and Don Harper floated gently down to earth. He then re-attempted his climb using the grapple gun, and was able to make it up trivially.

A successful search roll enabled him to spot the giant robot! It was about 60 blocks away. Don called down to his companions to hail a taxi while he climbed down. They managed to find a guy with a garbage truck who had welded some benches in the back, and hitched some Aurochs to the front. Once Don joined the party, they sent him off towards the robot.

It was a long ride, and on the way the party passed a bunch of Hook Horrors collecting old phone lines into bundles, but they ignored it and pressed on towards the robot, until they emerged almost right beneath it–only a few steps away from getting crushed. The driver turned his cab around, and was berated by Don Harper for doing so. In response, he activated the “dump” mechanism, and left the party in a heap on the ground.

The party split up. Don, Albert, Varouj, Chuffy, and Rita launched the magnet grappling hook up to the Robot’s shoulder, while the rest of the party moved to position themselves nearby outside the robot.

The climb was simple, and like before, Don Harper found a door in the robots neck. When he went to open it, though, he discovered that the lock had been significantly upgraded. He attempted to open it anyway, and not only did he fail, but the door electrified, burning his hands and dealing 10 damage. Cursing, he searched around for some wires to snip to disable the trap, then set himself back to the locked door, and managed to get it open.

Within, the room was very much unchanged. An empty room, with gears and pistons moving through it. A desk, with an old beigebox computer, CRT monitor, and an IMB Model M 122 Key Keyboard. On the screen was a window that said “Password:,” with a textbox next to it. Don attempted to enter “Password” as the password, but the very instant he typed the ‘p,’ a Baphomet Pentacle appeared on the screen. Grinding beeps accompanied a 1-pixel movement of the mouth, as the image introduced itself as AntiVirus.

A light began to grow behind the group. They turned, and found a pixelated demon floating in the room with them.

The session ended In Media Res


Thoughts and theories on tabletop games.