Session 11 – Eldritch Tentacles Emerge from her Anus

Dramatis Personae:
+David Carli-Arnold  as Galens Brook
+Spencer Kelty  as Virgil

Highlights Recap

May 2516 C.E.

Those involved in the events of this session have agreed never to speak of it again.

All that is known by those who were not present is that Galens Brook is missing.

The session did not end in media res, so another Haven turn passes.

##########CONGRATULATIONS ON FINDING THE REAL SECRET RECAP##########

On a Red World Alone – Session 11, “Eldritch Tentacles Emerge from Her Anus”

Dramatis Personae

David Carli-Arnold as Galens Brook

Spencer Kelty as Virgil

Loot

  • None

Injuries and Mutations

  • Galens Brook indulged his addiction to the mutation hut, and gained the following mutations:
    • Gales is phenomenal at sex.
    • Galens can summon people he has met to travel to him. They are entitled to a save versus Magic, and if they fail they must immediately travel to his location under their own power.
    • Galens has accelerated healing between sessions. Effectively, this means that broken bones or burns will not prevent him from using his Haven turn. He can also regrow limbs, which will prevent him from using his haven turn the same way a broken bone normally would.
    • Galens may turn invisible at will.
    • Galens is invulnerable to any physical harm. Only psionic and magical attacks can hurt him.
    • Galens gains Clairvoyance, allowing him to view physically far off locations. He’s able to do this at will with unlimited range, and his view can wander freely. It cannot automatically find people he does not know the location of.
  • Galens used his Gaze of Shame on Virgil. Virgil is now immune to the Gaze of Shame from Galens.
  • Galens Brook died. His body was reduced to a small mound of ash and goo. Given the complete nature of his destruction, it is impossible to bring him back to life. Additionally, given the circumstances of his death, no one knows that Galens is dead. Even Virgil and The Hangman, who were both present during his death, were experiencing a shared hallucinated reality at the time. As far as anyone knows, Galens has simply disappeared.

Rulings

  • Pending revision, the Mutation Hut is closed for business. I do like having mutations in the game, but I think the way it has been working has been overall harmful. The next version of the setting document will have better mutation rules.

NPC Relationships

  • The Hangman is 6’ 8”, has had a hysterectomy, and has a time-lock device in her brain that allows her to shut off access to sensitive parts of it so that she can take drugs without putting herself at risk for revealing that information.
  • Virgil’s frequent attempts at seduction have proven successful. The Hangman has come to know him in a biblical sense. She now understands their relationship to be a sexual one. Virgil will be expected to perform when called upon.

Haven Turn

  • Encounter Die: Safe
  • Auction Die: A Single Action Army revolver is available for sale on eBay. Bidding starts at 500 credits. The players have until the start of next session to participate in the auction.
  • Virgil: Nothing
  • Ronnina: Nothing
  • Umquat: Nothing
  • Spanner: Nothing
  • Galens Brook: Dead

Highlights Recap

On a meta-game level, this session was nearly cancelled. With only two players at the table, we very nearly decided to play some Civ 5 together instead. But then the suggestion was floated that we run a sort of “Cartoon Adventures of Galens & Virgil” session. The suggestion was approved.

It began with an instant messenger conversation. Virgil sent some casually flirtatious messages to The Hangman. Asked her what she did for fun. Apparently she enjoys playing PC games. Galens tried to get in on the convo, but Virgil was focused like a laser beam on bringing his long-simmering plans of seducing The Hangman to fruition. Galens, feeling left out, walked next door to the Mutation Hut to become even less human than he already was.

Virgil asked the Hangman if she wanted to hang out. The referee determined that there was a 60% chance The Hangman was busy, but the dice decreed that she wasn’t. The referee then asked Virgil to make a Charisma check to determine if The Hangman would lie about being busy. Virgil rolled an 11. The dice had spoken: The Hangman would come hang out with her underlings.

Still via text message she asked “What are we taking?” Virgil replied “The good shit.” He then hit up his dealer, and purchased 3 doses of Acid Prime for 100 credits each.

The Hangman arrived wearing simple peasant clothing, rather than her usual, more impressive attire. Before they did anything else, The Hangman paused to unscrew a panel near the back of her skull, from which she removed a small device. She pressed some buttons, turned a dial, then replaced the device and the panel. She explained that it was a time activated lock. For the next 24 hours, she was locked out of the parts of her own brain that included sensitive information. She didn’t know anything about her job, or her future plans, or even her religion. She could get as fucked up as she wanted without risk of revealing something she would regret. With that task taken care of, Virgil and The Hangman spent an hour pre-drinking while they waited for Galens to return.

Then Galens was back, and it was time. The trio all dropped acid prime.

The party found themselves in a purple cloud. Galens transformed into a wafting ball of string and attempted to float out into the cloud. A bolt of lightning came up from the ground and struck him in the face. The Hangman was a little freaked out that Galens had a face. Then she got a little freaked out by the prospect that she also had a face. Then she saw Virgil had a face as well. Clearly, faces were spreading like a disease!

Galens twined his string-appendages into the Hangman’s nose and up into her brain so he could look at it. It was very dark in there. Virgil tried to remember if there was any job that needed doing around down, and recalled that there was a serious rabbit problem in some of the gardens. That needed to be taken care of.

A dragon appeared in the cloud, pushing its head through a formation of moisture and angrily mumbled static at the group. The Hangman started to cry briefly, then laughed, then performed a triple pelvic-thrust in the dragon’s direction. A blue light emanated from her hips, and the dragon was frozen in time, then shattered into nothingness.

Appearing satisfied with herself, The Hangman turned to Virgil and declared her intent to fuck him. She threw him against the cloudwall, lifted him up, and fucked him like a goddamn jackhammer.

Galens, meanwhile, was lying on the floor and hoping this unpleasant experience would end soon. He then realized his mother was having sex a few feet away from him. He looked over in horror, and insisted his mother stop what she was doing. She ignored him. Then Galens was a 6 year old child, and he pleaded for his mother to stop, but she ignored him still. Galens noticed that his mother was fucking Santa Claus. He stammered “You’re real?” Santa’s head rotated fully three times before looking at little Galens, then twisted so his mouth was above his eyes. Santa allowed a prescient pause to pass before saying. “You’re real.”

Galens fled from the cloud, successfully escaping it, and stumbling out into a desert of pink sand. 8’ cactus plants performed sexual dances all around him. Galens briefly masturbated to the cactuses, then realized what he was doing and stopped himself in disgust. Not wishing to experience any more of this horrible drug trip, Galens shouted “I AM INVISIBLE” and literally buried his head in the sand and waited for it to be over.

Back in the purple cloud, Virgil’s legs were fucked entirely off of his body, and the Hangman’s head was replaced by a column of smoke. When Virgil mentioned this, she shook her head, revealing a slightly lizard-like visage beneath. These issues were forgotten about when the pair heard a group of dogs barking just outside the cloud. They went to investigate.

Just outside the cloud was a small crowd of cartoon dogs–Scooby Doo, Pluto, Brian from Family Guy, Marmaduke, etc. These dogs stood upright on their hind legs and barked angrily at Virgil and The Hangman. Virgil stepped forward, trying to speak with one of them, but the dog removed its own head and threw it at Virgil. The head bit Virgil’s arm and clamped down on it with its teeth. Virgil then brushed the dog head off of his arm, and the dogs fled in terror.

Looking over, Virgil noticed that The Hangman was on fire, and doing a jazzy little dance. He joined her in her dance, and was caught on fire along with her.

Without warning, The Hangman lifted Virgil off his feet and swung his entire body between her legs. Supporting his entire weight by her grip on his hips, she began fucking him again. As she fucked, she began waddling forward, building up an impressive amount of speed given her necessarily awkward gait.

As she ran, massive squared-off tits began to burst up from the ground, spraying pink sand everywhere. Between her legs virgil’s body began to smooth out and elongate. He transformed into a missile, and her legs were lifted off the ground. She rode her rocket-propelled fuckbuddy through a maze of stone tits that became every more dense, until finally Virgil struck one of the stone tits head on. He exploded, shooting a gout of flame 100’ into the air. Then he was Virgil again, whole and unharmed.

The Hangman was smoking 10 cigarettes. Virgil asked for 3, which she spit out. They tumbled through the air and landed in Virgil’s mouth.

Back with Galens, the drugs started to wear off. As he pulled himself to his feet, he saw a man dead at the doorway to Virgil’s home. It was Virgil’s annoying neighbor who always came over to complain about noise. The whole front half of him had been turned stark blue by some deathly magic. Apparently The Hangman’s pelvic thrusts were just as dangerous as the drugged fueled haze had made them seem.

Galens realized that the drugs hadn’t lasted as long as they ought to have. No doubt the result of his new “Accelerated Healing” mutation. He realized, also, that this would be the best opportunity he would ever get to kill The Hangman. Galens had long hated this evil woman for the way her leadership had affected the party. And now, trapped in a drugged-out haze and without access to large sections of her own mind, she was vulnerable.

Galens began asking around, and discovered that The Hangman had rode Virgil deep into the territory of the Rulers Beneath The Black. He set off in pursuit.

As Virgil and The Hangman enjoyed their post-coital cigarettes, a trio of massive muscular rabbits approached them. The rabbits stood upright like men, with physiques that would embarrass the most roided-out body builder. One of their mouths began to move. It kept moving for long moments without any sound coming out, until finally an out-of-sync voice intoned “FUCK YOU.” It was all the provocation Virgil and The Hangman needed.

Virgil drew his rapier, which turned out to be nothing more than an impressively long dildo. He lunged at the first Rabbit-Man, but missed. The tip of his dildo stopped an inch from the Muscle-Bunny’s face. The Muscle-Bunny then grabbed the dildo, and shoved it down their own throat, pulling it from Virgil’s hands so they could fellate it with gusto.

Simultaneously, the Hangman had slowly floated into the air and moved with outstretched fist towards another of the muscle bunnies. Like superman in slow motion she inched towards him. Finally her fist impacted his chest, then continued through it as though he was nothing but vapor. In equally slow motion, the rabbit-man exploded, spraying gore everywhere.

The Final Rabbit Man then turned around, presenting his back to the party. His back split down the spine, revealing a large and horrible mouth, with gnashing teeth ready to tear the pair to pieces. The hangman rotated in the air, presenting her butt to this new threat. She farted, and eldritch tentacles emerged from her anus. The cloud of tentacles tore the final foe apart…though he was noticeably smaller when he was torn apart than he was when he had first transformed.

When Galens found his two still-tripping companions, they were sitting among a slosh of gore. Three peasants lay dead around them, and they took turns holding up bits of skin to their faces and laughing at one another.

Seizing his opportunity, Galens rushed forward to perform a Sleep Kiss on Virgil’s hand. The last thing Virgil knew was a fourth rabbit biting his hand clean off, then he fell into a deep slumber. Unable to initiate violence due to one of his mutations, Galens shouted profanities at The Hangman, hoping she’d make the first strike. She did. Her fists became engulfed in flames and she stumbled forward, swinging twice and missing each time.

Galens danced around The Hangman, firing arrows into her disoriented, unarmored body without much difficulty. But she kept coming, eventually landing a blow on Galens that exploded with magical fire. Realizing he was in real danger, Galens made himself invisible. The Hangman took this to mean she had succeeded, and muttered “Body just fuckin’ disappeared? I fuckin’ hate kids games! Show me some bloooooood!”

Using his newfound summon ability, Galens attempted to draw the attention of the minor god who he knew was in opposition to The Hangman’s goddess. He also attempted to summon Urluggle Glurg, as well as a number of members of The Outsiders the party had encountered earlier. Unfortunately, the god decided that this squabble was beneath his notice, and while most of the other summoned people failed their saves, they were all far away, and would take some hours to arrive.

Galens didn’t have that time. The Hangman was already complaining that Virgil was boring now, and stumbled to her feet to leave. He shot her again, prompting The Hangman to shout “GLITCHY ASS GAME!” when she realized that whatever was attacking her couldn’t be seen. She pulled a shotgun from some sort of extra-dimensional space, then cast a spell allowing her to see invisible creatures. Galens managed to shoot the gun out of her hand, and continued peppering her with arrows, but she seemed unfazed by her mounting injuries.

The Hangman retrieved her gun, and shot Galens. However, as he was immune to physical attack, the bullets did no harm. Frustrated, The Hangman dropped her gun, and instead used finger-guns to cast Magic Missile at Galens. 14d4 worth of magical energies dealt 33 damage. He was utterly reduced to a pile of ash and goo. The Hangman laughed, and wandered off through the streets of the city muttering “Decent game. Glitchy. 6 outta 10.”

When Virgil awoke, he had no reason to suspect that the pile of goo was anything special. He may not have even noticed it in his hurry to put some distance between himself and the three mutilated bodies.

Over the next day, a steady stream of summoned people arrived at the alley. For some reason they couldn’t explain their attention was drawn to that pile of ash and goo Once they stared at it for a moment they couldn’t help but wonder why they had walked all the way to this place. Then they turned and walked home.

And so ended Galens Brook. A Giftgiver. A friend. A good man in evil times.

So ended May 2516 C.E.

Thoughts and theories on tabletop games.