“Weird Things Happen With Wizard Poop”
as the Mighty Umquat
as Don Harper of Mars
Faylana – Bonded with Umquat on their private adventures together. (Loyalty raised to 11)
Norno – Feels a little abandoned by Umquat. (Loyalty remains 11)
Sheniqua – Is pretty grossed out by this whole dungeon (Loyalty remains 11)
Albert the Great – Is bummed he missed out on seeing his old buds again. (Loyalty remains 11)
Francis – Has been forced by undead creatures to be Turble’s friend.
Turble – Has been forced by undead creatures to be Francis’ friend.
Voxdaughter – In the aftermath of the postcreative orgy of undeath that happened after Zessler Vox was no longer around to control his many undead experiments, one intelligence rose above the rest to become mother of the next generation. For lack of a better name, it calls itself Voxdaughter.
Christopher – A Christian Frogman, who sells water deep inside of Voxdaughter.
Umquat mutated one of her hands to be faintly bioluminescent.
And now, a brief digression for the Tale of Umquat the Mighty, friend to Lamas.
After retrieving the giant robot, Umquat felt a great disquiet in her soul. She wanted to get away from this life, and find another for a time. She took her trusty companion Faylana with her, and they went to live in the sewers, where no reputation spreads.
There they met a lama, and Umquat befriended it. It was named Twinklepuff, and the three enjoyed many fine revels together.
Twinklepuff and Umquat entered themselves into the Shittron 5000, a lama race beneath Comet Caller territory, run by a creature composed of all the magical shits disposed of by the wizards above. Umquat and Twinklepuff won many races, and were joyful, until the shit monster approached them. It wanted them to throw a race, but they refused. They did battle with the shit beast, and they were victorious in destroying it, but Twinklepuff was fatally wounded in the fighting. The noble lama died in Umquat’s arms.
Umquat emerged then from the sewers, reborn in shit, and wearing the skins of her fallen lama companion.
And here she rejoined the party, and immediately said “Why haven’t any of you tasted that weird yellow goo?” So she tasted it. It was a kind of ectoplasmic semen. Umquat ate ghost cum. Then she collected some in a bottle and gave it to Ronnina as a joke. Welcome back.
Umquat then tried to stick her hand in the goo. It came out all translucent, covered like amber, and very faintly glowing. Not enough to illuminate much of anything, but enough that you could write your name in the dark with it maybe.
The party moved down the stairs, where they encountered a room filled with sexless humanoids, standing stock still in random positions around a large space. The party dubbed them “ReDeads,” and so that is what we will call them.
Knowing that they wanted to get to the northmost wall of this dungeon, Umquat sneakily moved through the room to the door on the north wall, which was locked. After a few failed checks (each of which required a new stealth check), Umquat was able to get the door open. Unfortunately, she failed to notice beforehand that the door was alarmed.
Just as the piercing sound filled the building, she dove into the room beyond the door–a large, empty gymnasium, with some indents in the floor as if something heavy had been left here for a long time.
Back towards the stairs, the rest of the party watched as the ReDeads put their hands to their ears and began pacing angrily, apparently looking for the source of the noise. Hoping he might find some way to shut the alarm off, Don Harper sneaked off down the hallway to check out the server rooms, Unfortunately, none of these were active, and didn’t seem to be hooked up to the security system anyway.
Something Don did find whilst exploring the server rooms was good ol’ Francis and Turble, the person made of snakes, and the spectral gorilla creature. Two neighbors who hate each other, and featured promintently in session 17. When Don encountered them, however, they were in the same room together, being forced to smile at one another by terrible undead monstrosities looming behind them, physically pulling their lips up into smiles. When Don entered, they turned towards him and said “WE ARE FRENDS.” Don backed away, feeling sad for them.
After some texting back and forth about what to do, Umquat found the alarm and shut it down, but the ReDeads were still alert and angry. Don strapped a phone to his RC car, and made a bunch of noise into it while driving the car past the ReDeads, and into the gym. Once all the ReDeads were in, Umquat slipped out and shut the door behind her. (After giving Don just enough time to shake the phone free, and drive his RC car back out of the gym again). Hopefully, the ReDeads don’t know how to open doors.
The party moved on, and began opening doors just to see what they would find.
They found what used to be a conference room filled with empty skin sacks, being filled with fluid by tubes attached to their feet. They found a room full of faces that were making out passionately with one another, and seemed to want to make out with the party. They found a room with long tits hanging down from the ceiling with 6 nipples each, and football-sized maggots below feeding from those tits. They found what seemed to be a vampire, trapped in a garlic-saturated room, hooked up to an aparatus of meat that pumped and strained and filtered everything in and out of his body. He seemed to be suffering greatly.
The party also found a little room with a well in it, and a tiny frog man with a bunch of cups who offered to let them drink for 2 credits. The party agreed to his price, paid him, and watched him toss their credits into a large trash can filled with credits. They drank their water, and chatted with the frog man a bit.
He introduced himself as Christopher. He said he was not a businessman, he just charged people to drink. When the party pointed out that there were meaty tubes sucking water out of his well and asked if they paid, Christopher answered “Yes, but the landlord pays in other ways.” When the party asked who Christopher’s lord was, he said Jesus Christ was the only true lord. The party chatted a bit more with Christopher, but didn’t learn much of interest, though they did find him generally pleasant.
The party called Bric Shelic on the phone, and asked him if he’d come extract the vampire from the meat machine, since they didn’t feel competent to do it themselves. Bric agreed, but only after they offered him 25,000cc to do it.
While they waited, Umquat and Ronnina decided to try to talk to the “landlord.” Sheniqua suggested they try talking to the makeout faces. Ronnina did try, but the faces were adamant that they didn’t have time for anything but makeouts. Ronnina insisted, and one said they’d be willing to share some information if Ronnina made out with them first. Ronnina leaned in to do so, but Umquat pushed her aside, because if anybody was gonna get hot makeouts on this trip, it’d be HER.
First, Umquat’s lips were locked to the kissing face. Then, fluids and tendrils pounded into her body, going deep into her stomach and lungs. Then, everything that went into her came back out of her again. Then, a bunch of stuff she never knew was inside of her started to come out, and flow back into the face. She felt hundreds upon hundreds of worms flowing up from inside her body, and being transfered into the face, then finally her lips were released, and the face told her the party there was a closet just to the south with ears they could speak to.
Ronnina and Umquat went to check out the closet, but found its interior shrouded by a magical darkness. Ronnina attempted to penetrate this darkness by sticking her head past it, and found herself wrapped in tentacles and pulled inside.
Within, she was surrounded by ears, eyes, and mouths on all sides. It asked what she want, and Ronnina explained that they just wanted safe passage through the territory to the Northmost room. The creature, annoyed by Ronnina’s roundabout way of talking, told her it didn’t care what they did. Either they would kill some of her children–weeding out the weak–or be killed by her children, and become strong. Just go where you want to go and do what you want to do, and do not bother her again.
Ronnina exited the closet, just in time to see Bric Shelic arrive, complete with his cart.
The session ended In Media Res