Category Archives: Tables & Miscallaneous

1d100 Payments

giphyMoney may not always be sufficient for the goods or services that the players want. Extraordinary desires can only be satisfied by extraordinary payments.

Not every payment here will be suitable for every situation, so feel free to re-roll if the payment doesn’t fit your needs. On the other hand, don’t be afraid to massage your situation a bit to make an interesting payment type work.

Many of the payments listed below can work on several different levels. For example, if the roll indicates that the creditor wants a pig, that can mean a lot of things. They may want any pig, or they may want some specific pig which they are covetous of. They may want a pig of a certain quality, or the may want to force the indebted to experience what it is like to lose a pig, for some unknowable purpose. My point being: none of the payments should be taken simply as they are written. There is room for a bit of creativity with them.

  1. The indebted character must surrender a pound of flesh to their creditor. They may opt to take the flesh from anywhere they like, but regardless of where it is taken from, it will likely result in some degree of physical disability, determined by the referee. A chunk from a leg might result in slower movement speeds, a chunk from the torso might lower constitution, etc.
  2. The creditor requires the indebted’s soul. The consequences of soul loss must be determined by the referee. A reduced, or no response to clerical magics, a certainty of an unpleasant afterlife, a reduced ability to resist mind-affecting magics…many things might be said to be possible only through the benefit of a soul.
  3. The creditor requires a soul. It does not need to be any particular soul. In most cases, souls must be offered willingly, and the indebted may find themselves offering faustian bargains to others. The referee may also allow some means of forcibly extracting or binding a soul for this purpose. Souls can also be purchased from creatures of the lower planes, though these do not come cheap. Nor will their cost be measured in currency.
  4. The indebted must surrender one of their fingers. Assuming it’s the first one, they can probably get away with just one of their pinkies. There’s no penalty for that! Eventually, though, missing fingers start to add up.
  5. The indebted must endure the removal of one of their eyes as payment. They take a significant penalty to making ranged attacks.
  6. The indebted must be scalped. The process is immensely painful, and a severe shock to the system, reducing the indebted to a mere 1d4 hit points. Their hair never really grows back properly.
  7. 1d4 pints of the indebted’s blood are required. A loss of 1 may be fairly negligible. 2 will be a severe shock to the system. Any more than that will reduce the indebted to 1 hit point, and they will be unable to adventure for 3 or 4 weeks.
  8. The indebted must provide a sample of their reproductive legacy: either an egg, or some of their semen. (In the former case, some means of extraction will need to be provided). Presumably, whomever wants this has a way of making use of it.
  9. The indebted must seek out and retrieve a particular rare plant, which is an essential ingredient in some recipe their creditor wishes to prepare.
  10. The indebted must surrender one of their secrets. Incidental secrets will not do. They cannot reveal their mother’s maiden name, or any other fact which is not known simply because no one cares to know it. The secret provided must be something which would be damaging to the indebted if it became known. One example would be a shameful thing that would ruin the character’s reputation. (Players may opt to create a shameful backstory detail for their character if they wish). Another option is something which the character benefits from exclusive knowledge of: such as a spell or technique, the hiding place of a treasure horde, or even a piece of blackmail the character is using against an NPC.
  11. The indebted must subject themselves to torture, and allow the creditor to extract their suffering from them via a strange apparatus.
  12. The creditor has fallen in love with a particular person, who does not love them back. The indebted must make that person fall in love with their creditor. Or, if all else fails, kidnap that person and bring them to the creditor, who will hold them hostage until Stockholm syndrome sets in.
  13. The indebted must surrender a loved one to their creditor. It’s unclear what happens to this loved one, they may be killed, or enslaved, or experimented on, but regardless of the specifics, they will be taken from their normal life and put to some use deemed appropriate by the creditor. In this instance, not just any person will do. It must be someone the indebted cares deeply about. The creditor may have a means by which to verify this.
  14. The creditor wishes to be paid in slaves. They may come from anywhere, but must be of good quality: strong, attractive, capable, and able to understand a language the creditor speaks. Not so young or so old as to be useless.
  15. The indebted must betray an existing trust, perhaps with a friendly NPC, or a member of the party. There may, or may not be a specific sort of betrayal required, but in either case it must be significant enough to destroy the indebted’s relationship with that person.
  16. The indebted must violate some vow which they had previously taken upon themselves. The vow may be religious, contractual, filial, et al. If the character is not currently subject to such a vow, they may be given the opportunity to go make a vow.
  17. The indebted must gain the trust of a person specified by their creditor. Once they’ve successfully become close with that person, they are obligated to betray them in some specific manner.
  18. The indebted must relinquish their right to seek justice for some wrongdoing. This may be a past wrongdoing–such as the murder of the character’s mother which has driven them to adventure–or it may be a future wrongdoing, anticipated by their creditor. In either case, the indebted cannot pursue either legal or vigilante justice for that specific wrong.
  19. The creditor wants the indebted’s voice. Obviously, once it is taken, the indebted will be unable to speak. Furthermore, the creditor may use their acquired voice in any number of ways.
  20. The Indebted must surrender their first born child. If they already have children, this must be done immediately. If they do not, they may or may not be expected to make an immediate effort to produce a child.
  21. At a future time of the creditor’s choosing, the indebted will be require to take no action. Most likely, the inaction of the indebted will cause some preventable ill to occur.
  22. Credit for one of the indebted’s accomplishments must instead be given to the creditor. It may be a past or a future accomplishment, and the transfer of credit may be either mundane (It was not I who slew the dragon. It was Dave!), or it may be magical (Everybody just remembers that it was Dave who slew the dragon the whole time).
  23. The indebted must surrender all of their weapons to the creditor. It does not matter whether they are special or not, so long as it is every weapon the indebted currently has access to.
  24. The creditor demands a vow of of nonviolence from the indebted, which will last for 1d4 (1-2. Days, 3-5. Weeks, 6. Months).
  25. The indebted must perform an assassination against a target of the creditor’s choosing.
  26. The indebted must agree to become the template for a clone, or group of clones, which will serve the will of their creditor.
  27. The creditor wishes to implant a device in the indebted’s eyes. This device will allow the creditor to record and review anything that the eyes see, for the rest of the indebted’s life.
  28. The creditor requires a new color. This may be as simple as procuring a rare kind of paint, or it may entail visiting other realities where colors exist which remain unimagined by mortal mind.
  29. The debt cannot be resolved until the indebted produces a new kind of music for their creditor. It must be wholly original to the creditor’s experience, which may be more or less difficult depending on the creditor’s musical experience. For some fat king who never leaves his hall, this may be as simple as bringing them folk music, archaic forms of music, or music from a far off land. For more musically experienced creditors, the indebted may need to invent Rock & Roll or something.
  30. The indebted must produce the solution to some mathematical problem. Unless the character is unusually skilled with math, it’s unlikely they will be able to find the solution simply by solving the problem themselves. They will either need to embark on a great mathematical study (Treat as a Math skill starting at 0-in-6, with 1 attempt allowed each time a new point is put into the skill), or they must find someone capable of the task to do it for them.
  31. The indebted must make a vow to uphold some noble ideal (Honesty, Justice, Chivalry, etc.)
  32. The indebted must make a vow to always subvert some noble ideal (Honesty, Justice, Chivalry, etc.)
  33. The creditor wants a spell. If the indebted is a spellcaster, they can simply allow their creditor to copy down one of theirs. If they are not a spellcaster, they will need to acquire a spell elsewhere.
  34. The indebted must sacrifice the lives of one of their companions. They may choose who, so long as it is someone who is currently traveling with them. If needed, they must be willing to assist their creditor in the murder.
  35. The creditor wants the storytelling rights to the indebted’s life. Shortly after this deal is struck, population centers will begin to be flooded with dimestore novels about the indebted’s various experiences and adventures. Enough about the particulars will be changed that no one will believe the Indebted if they try to point this out. If the indebted attempts to share any of their own experiences outside of intimate conversation, they will promptly be sued for infringing on their creditor’s intellectual property.
  36. The indebted must become a thrall to their creditor. The next time they would gain a level in their class, they instead gain a level in the Thrall of [Creditor] class. They gain 1d4 hit points, and must work exclusively to further their creditor’s will until they gain enough money to level up again. Since they will not be paid for their work as a thrall, they will need to hoard money in secret in order to level.
  37. The indebted must provide their creditor with hostages, to be held in security against any future reneging on the agreement between the two.
  38. The indebted must serve as a human subject for some experiment their creditor wishes to perform.
  39. The creditor is currently suffering under a curse, which can only be alleviated if someone (the indebted) accepts that same curse onto themselves.
  40. The indebted must trade bodies with their creditor.
  41. The indebted must trade some of their life, rapidly aging a few years in order to keep their creditor young.
  42. The indebted must surrender one of their senses: (1: Sight, 2: Smell, 3: Hearing, 4: Taste). Once lost, the indebted will no longer be able to perform any actions which require this sense. If their lost ability is restored to them, it will be taken back from whomever is using it, and the indebted will be considered a thief. (Though there may be some way to gain a new sense).
  43. The creditor requires the indebted’s essence! The referee should roll the creditor’s ability scores if they haven’t. Compare these to the scores of the indebted. Randomly pick one score which the creditor has which is lower than the one the indebted has. The creditor wants to switch that score. If the indebted doesn’t have any higher scores, then they have nothing of value to offer the creditor, and cannot do business with them.
  44. The creditor demands some large number of foreskins, collected by the indebted. (Don’t look at me, this shit’s biblical. First Samuel, 18:25).
  45. The indebted must provide a boxed sample of their feces to their creditor. It’s unclear what they do with it, but apparently the indebted got off pretty easily. (Alright…I can’t blame the bible for this one.)
  46. The indebted must carry a message on their creditor’s behalf. The journey will not be easy, and should require at least a little adventuring. If the referee wants to rub a little salt in the wound, the message can be something completely trivial.
  47. The creditor requires a large amount of some specific trade good–flour, sugar, copper, lumber, etc. They will not accept the money required to buy what they need. They want it personally delivered by the indebted.
  48. The creditor requires a large delivery of military equipment. Armor, shields, weapons, enough to outfit a small army at least. They may even require experienced soldiers who can drill up new recruits.
  49. The indebted must deliver a massive quantity of foodstuffs. Quality and variety may vary, depending on the creditor’s requirements. There must be enough to feed a group all through the winter and summer.
  50. The indebted must deliver a map of an area which has not yet been explored, or which is kept secret.
  51. The indebted must never return to some place, ever again. This may be the town or country they are currently in, or some other place: their homeland, the territory of their creditor’s enemies or rivals, the territory of their creditor’s friends, etc.
  52. The indebted must accept the blame for something which is not their fault, allowing themselves to be scapegoated.
  53. The indebted must accept responsibility for some child, raising them as if they were the indebted’s own kin.
  54. The creditor will only accept the currency of some ancient civilization, which has not existed for eons.
  55. The indebted must give up their name. In doing so, any possible connection between their person and that name will be cosmically severed. Any legal documents which reference the indebted–such as deeds or contracts–will be rendered void. The indebted will also lose any reputation they had, as they can no longer be associated with what people have heard about them. They may choose a new name for themselves if they wish.
  56. The indebted must give up their ability to walk. Their legs will be sturdy enough to stand on, but the moment they try to move, they will collapse onto the ground.
  57. The creditor demands a poem, written and performed by the player.
  58. The indebted must vow to perform some great deed in their creditor’s name, eschewing any glory they might win for themselves on that occasion.
  59. The creditor must have an accurate prediction of the future. If the players are clever, they may say something like “the sun will rise tomorrow.” Barring some apocalyptic issue, this sort of answer will be acceptable to the creditor. Players may also attempt to find a reliable fortune teller, which can accomplish the same thing. If the prediction the indebted provides does not come true, their creditor will become angry, and put a price on their head.
  60. The indebted must provide their creditor with a certain value worth of items suitable for a magic lab.
  61. The indebted must seek out a magic staff for their creditor. It may be a specific staff, a specific type of staff, or just any staff in general.
  62. The creditor is a Bonemeister, and only accepts the bones of the indebted as payment. They are an expert at surgically extracting the bones, slicing their creditor open, carefully detaching all of the ligaments, and sewing the incision back up. When they’re done, it will be as if the bones simply teleported out of the indebted’s body, leaving part of them a bit floppy, but otherwise unharmed. Which specific bones the bonemeister requires will be negotiated in advance. The penalties for lacking those bones will be determined by the referee.
  63. The creditor want to be killed, and the indebted must do it. The creditor has wanted to die for a long time, but no one has yet been able to do it. When they are in danger, the creditor turns into a fearsome monster.
  64. The indebted must willingly agree to have an explosive device implanted into their brains. The creditor is happy to offer their services for free, but only if they can ensure that the indebted is incapable of ever working against them in the future.
  65. The creditor wishes to be entertained by a dance, which the player must perform for their group. A vote of the party will determine if the dance was sufficient for whatever purchase is being made.
  66. The indebted must seek out a true story or folk myth, and bring a full recounting of it back to their creditor. The creditor will then turn this story into a novel.
  67. The indebted must keep a steady watch over their creditor’s home for one night, defending it against the evils which will arise.
  68. The indebted must work towards some socially laudable goal within a specified kingdom. Something on the level of establishing gender or racial equality, raising the standard of living for the working class, etc.
  69. The creditor recently promised to grant someone’s wish. The indebted is tasked with ensuring that wish does come true.
  70. In indebted must make their creditor laugh.
  71. The indebted must give up their next critical hit, which will instead be a critical failure. The fortune of the critical hit will be transferred to their creditor.
  72. The indebted must provide a chunk of their brain. Not a big chunk, just a bit the size of a peanut. None the less, losing this chunk removes some knowledge from the indebted. Roll 1d6: (1-3. 1d2 Intelligence, 4-5. 1d2 Wisdom, 6. A point from a randomly determined skill.)
  73. The creditor wants an irreplaceable family heirloom from the indebted. Any object will do, regardless of value, so long as it is precious to its owner (whomever that may be).
  74. The indebted must provide the keys to their home, as well as any future keys which may result from moving or changing locks. The creditor is to have unfettered access to the indebted’s abode.
  75. The creditor wants a document, or other item, which would provide them with some kind of dynastic claim.
  76. The indebted must provide accurate and detailed information on the tactics of an enemy army, or, diagrams for an enemy stronghold or weapon.
  77. The creditor wants a letter of recommendation from the indebted.
  78. The indebted must agree to leave a certain location, person, or group alone. They cannot be pestered, regardless of the indebted’s needs.
  79. The creditor requires sanctuary from the indebted. They must be allowed to live on the indebted’s lands, and be protected from any and all forces which would threaten them.
  80. The indebted must provide a body part from a specific creature which will be difficult to hunt.
  81. The creditor wishes to know the location of an upcoming secret meeting. The indebted must find out, and provide it to their creditor, with enough time for the creditor to make arrangements either to spy on, or to ambush the meeting.
  82. The creditor demands a marriage take place between their family, and the indebted’s.
  83. The indebted must throw a sporting match in which they are favored to win. If they aren’t favored to win in any current sporting matches, they must enter a sport and achieve some note within it before their debt can be paid.
  84. The indebted must infiltrate some specified group and ferret out their secrets for the creditor.
  85. The indebted must find some way to drum up business for their creditor’s business venture.
  86. The indebted must allow their creditor to use their body while they sleep. Each morning, the indebted will awake within 1 mile of where they went to sleep. Sometimes they may have injuries, or be covered in someone else’s blood. They will not know what they did the night before.
  87. The creditor will establish some set amount of time. During that period, some or all of the experience points gained by the indebted will instead be gained by the creditor. To determine how much XP the creditor takes, roll 1d4 and multiply it by 25%.
  88. The indebted must contract a disease, which their creditor may or may not be able to provide. The creditor wishes to examine the progress of this disease in detail.
  89. The indebted must allow their body to host some parasite, which will constantly make suggestions within their brain, and may potentially even be able to influence their actions more directly.
  90. The indebted must offer themselves as host to a spirit. While possessed, they will be able to see what their body is doing, but will have no control over it. The possession will last until the spirit has finished what it left undone in life. What that is, is left to the referee to decide.
  91. The creditor wants 1d2 limbs from the indebted. They are prepared to safely remove these limbs, which they may attach to themselves, or use for some other insidious purpose. If only 1 limb is required, it may be either an arm or a leg at the referee’s preference. If 2 are required, it will be both one arm, and one leg.
  92. Someone the creditor cares about (perhaps even themselves) requires an organ transplant. Something which the body has two of, and which the indebted can live without. Something like a lung, or a bit of liver. The indebted has been determined to be a match for whomever needs this bit of guts, and must undergo the procedure to have it removed.
  93. The creditor is facing an issue in their lives, and needs someone to provide them with good advice. Whether the advice is good depends on how well their situation turns out when they follow it.
  94. The creditor requires that the indebted make a lifebond with them. Whenever the creditor takes damage, they will be healed by draining vitality from the indebted. Fortunately, the creditor lives a simple life. Anytime the indebted would be healed up to full, they instead are 1d6 – 2 hit points lower than their max.
  95. The indebted must donate their body to necromancy. The creditor will place a vile mark upon their body. When they die, the mark will automatically animate their body, which will then move with all haste to the creditor, so that it may be used in necromantic rituals. This prevents the indebted from ever being resurrected if they die.
  96. The indebted must perform a sacrilege, offending some certain god against which their creditor has enmity.
  97. The indebted must humiliate themselves in some fashion. In some cases this may merely be for the private enjoyment of their creditor. However, in most cases, their humiliation will need to be a public spectacle, severely damaging their reputation.
  98. The creditor, or someone whom the creditor likes, is currently due some punishment. The indebted must suffer this punishment in that person’s place. This may mean time spent in the pillory or dungeon, it may be torture, military service, or possibly even death. 
  99. The indebted must lie to someone who will trust them, misleading that person into making a bad decision, or thinking an issue has been taken care of when it actually hasn’t.
  100. The creditor is in a wonderful mood today, and will forgo any payment from the indebted. The simple act of helping is enough satisfaction for them.

As a closing note, I just want to point out that this is the single most challenging d100 table I’ve ever written. I’ve been tinkering with it on-and-off since early 2016. I don’t know if the time investment paid off, but if you like the amount of work I put into these posts, consider supporting me on Patreon. It goes a long way towards helping my writing along.

d100 Human Beings for Sale

301-image-salvation-boulanger-gustave-clarence-rudolphe-the-slave-marketNot every society your players visit will be enlightened on the subject of slavery.

  1. Unduc is a man with an acerbic wit, and no idea of when he ought to shut up. Beatings only shut him up for a short while, which is why he now finds himself up for sale.
  2. Otilda was, until recently, personal handmaiden to a noble lady of some repute. About a month ago, Otilda tripped while carrying a serving tray, which struck her mistress in the face hard enough to leave a scar. Otilda was given a savage beating, had her fingernails pulled out, and was sent to the block to be sold. Despite her disfigurement, Otilda is a skilled attendant.
  3. Aulip’ta’a (told that his new name is “ulip” by the auctioneer) is a man with skin that is ever so slightly purple in shade. Aulip’ta’a is a traveler from a far distant land of mystery and wonder. He fell on hard times, was captured, and here he is. He will gladly show his new masters to his homeland, and will spin fanciful tales of the wonders than can be found there. Of course, once there, it would be hard for an outsider to claim any ownership over a local.
  4. Zuttana is cursed. She once interrupted a witch who was mid-coitus with a devil. The witch was furious, and now on every yearly anniversary of her misdeed, she suffers some horrible misfortune. In 18 years, everyone she ever cared for has either died or distanced themselves from her to avoid dying. Two years ago her house burned down. Last year she lost all of her hair. And as of about two weeks ago, she became a slave. She’s a depressed, defeated woman.
  5. Dorved Hazlip is a time traveler from something more or less equivalent to England during the industrial revolution. His time machine was flawed, and did not transport itself along with him into the past, so he has no way to get back. In his own time he was a man of significant means and learning, but the only contemporary language he speaks is the slave tongue of the Azuri people. In about 300 years they’ll rise up into a great empire, which is why he learned their language. For now, though, speaking it only marks him out as a slave. Dorved is having a really bad day right now.
  6. Hilde Ses has trained all of her life to excel in matters of etiquette. After many years serving first as a butler, then majordomo to a lordly family, the final scion of that family passed away. His property was divided among more distant relations, and the distant cousin who came to own Hilde decided they didn’t really need her. Despite being up for sale, Hilde maintains a haughty dignity. She believes in the nobility of servitude, and will obey whomever owns her. However, if purchased by anyone lacking noble character, she will serve only with barely disguised disdain for her owner.
  7. Nuzlort was, formerly, the mount of one of the Diminutive Folk. These are a people who stand roughly 6 inches tall. They regard themselves as vastly more intelligent to humans, in part because they have somehow come under the false belief that a certain poisonous root is “human food.” After eating this root for most of his life, Nuzlort is a dull man who understands only simple commands. His tongue hangs out of his mouth, and he cannot use tools, but he is immensely strong, fast, and willing to carry any burden strapped to his body.
  8. Cobbie is a 122 year old man. Until recently he was working in construction, pushing great massive stones up ramps to build monuments. Somehow, he managed to hide the fact that he wasn’t contributing a single damn thing to the effort for years. The other slaves always covered for him because they enjoyed his company, but everyone’s luck runs out eventually. Cobbie is relentlessly confident that he can perform any task he sets his mind to, but given his age he has some obvious limitations which he refuses to accept. But he’s always quick with a joke, or a really great story from the old days, so it’s hard to dislike the guy.
  9. Sorib Lurp is a carpenter whose master is attempting to “flip” him. He as purchased as a toddler, apprenticed to a carpenter friend, and now that he’s got a useful skill his owner hopes to make a profit off of reselling him. Sorib  Lurp is well resigned to his lot in life, which has been pretty decent for him so far. He will expect some special considerations due an educated slave–a small allowance, a woman, etc–but if accommodated, he will do his work with a high degree of skill, and without any complaints.
  10. Jenniyak was raised to serve as a nanny / bodyguard for the boyslaves of a distant sultan. To ensure she always maintained her focus, and did not pollute the sultan’s boys, her vagina was sewn shut. Over the years she grew to become a person of great influence at court, at one time even managing to act as a sort of de facto sultan for a few days. But this overreach cost her, and her enemies at court conspired her downfall. The very moment she was out of favor, she suddenly found herself locked in a slavemerchant cart, heading for the most distant land any of her enemies had ever heard of.
  11. Borvie is a six year old boy. He’s not particularly strong, and he gets easily distracted, but at least he’s small enough to fit into tiny places. (Though, he’s actually very scared of tiny places). His mom was sold yesterday, so he’s finally stopped crying,but he hasn’t yet come to grips with the fact that he’s probably never going to see her again.
  12. Yannovia is a large woman, powerfully built with a wide face. She has impressive strength, but the real selling point that the auctioneer will harp on is her talent as a masseuses. Reportedly, she was the most frequently requested masseuses at a famous bathhouse which recently burned down, and is selling off some of its assets to help rebuild. In point of fact Yannovia was the third most requested, but the first two were quietly purchased in private deals, and thus the public doesn’t need to know that there was anyone more popular.
  13. Ough is a cave woman. Physically no different from modern women, but her first 32 years were spent in the far distant past of 7,500 years ago. While she was swimming in a lake, a giant whirlpool appeared, sucking her beneath the surface of the water. When she finally managed to struggle to the surface, the lake was surrounded by a village that hadn’t been there before. Somehow she had been transported through time. The villagers first tried to help her, but her fear of this new world caused her to react violently. And since no one can understand her, no one knows why she acts like this. The villagers captured her, and not knowing what else to do with someone so volitile, they sold her to the next trade caravan that passed through.
  14. Zharbouff is a man with thick body hair, perfectly sculpted muscles, and a meticulously groomed mustache. He is a Dunuski dancer, a style which was recently all the rage among the high courts of the land. The dancing style involves maintaining a very stern expression while slowly stomping the feet in time with heavy drums, then occasionally ‘breaking character’ to frolic on light feet with a gleeful expression. Unfortunately for Zharbouff, Dunuski dancing has fallen out of style, and the market has become flooded with him and other dancers like him.
  15. Wendila is a severe woman who wears her hair in looping braids. She has a superb memory, and until recently that talent was employed in service of a politician. For him, she memorized the names and personal details of countless constituents, which she would whisper in his ear as they approached, so he could seem more personable.
  16. Vaubul is a smooth young man. Well muscled, handsome, and until very recently, the favorite plaything of a grand lady. And, like any grand lady, this one was involved in numerous feuds and political rivalries. One of her enemies–no less a woman than her own daughter–conspired to get Vabul alone long enough to chop off his dick, which she then had nailed to her mother’s bedposts. Distraught over the loss of her beloved, Vabul’s owner commanded her other slaves to arrange for his sale. She couldn’t bring herself even to see him in his ruined state. Vabul’s only skills are sexual in nature, and he’s currently having a panic attack that he’ll be sent to the mines for hard labor.
  17. Ausasca is a woman born with a cleft lip and a single oversized eyeball which had to be removed at birth. Fortunately for her, her parents were were allowed to keep their worthless deformed child, provided they gave her a useful skill. Fearing for their daughter’s future, the two worked themselves to death for her. In addition to the work they performed for their owner, they spent every free moment polishing and cleaning instruments for a local group of musicians, who in turn taught Ausasca to play. Her parents are now passed, but their work was not in vain. The young lady is a talented musician, skilled in a variety of instruments.
  18. Ostobo is the rarest sort of slave: the sort who enjoys being a slave. If anything, his masters have complained that he enjoys being a slave too much, to the point that it becomes unsettling. He derives an obvious gratification from his lot in life which most masters find unappealing. He goes so far as to insist that he’s done wrong and deserves punishment, even suggesting what sorts of punishments would suit his misdeeds. His suggestions in these regard are often unduly harsh, and almost always strangely specific. When left alone, he is often caught acting like a piece of furniture.
  19. Falubius is, in many ways, a victim of the idle rich. Apparently there were a great many drunken arguments in the home, so it was decided to officially designate one of their slaves as a ‘bet settler.’ They went all out in this project, selecting a young boy and hiring special tutors who designed a curriculum with the sole intent of helping him settle bets. Eventually, however, it was decided that the arguments were more fun, and Falubius was sold.
  20. Xagut is a well muscled man with with hard features and a brand on his right shoulder. Until losing a recent war, he was a soldier. The brand identifies him as a member of the 18th March of the Kinseird Tyranny. When his unit was routed, he fled along with everyone else. Some of those who fled were cut down by the cavalry coming up behind them. Xagut was lucky. He was merely clapped in irons and claimed as war booty. Within a day he had been sold to one of the merchants among the camp followers, and now he’s here in the heart of his enemy’s homeland. He will be a tough slave to break for whomever purchases him.
  21. Iburren Havasa is a stocky woman with a head shaved completely bald in the style of one who has declared themselves a warrior in her homeland of Iss. In Iss, a strict code guides how tribes raid upon, and attack one another. No one with hair on their head may be touched or harmed in any way. Likewise, if one with hair on their head defends themselves or attacks, then all the warriors on both sides of the conflict will turn against them. Iburren shaved her head to join in a supply raid, but was captured. She worked for 2 seasons as a slave of her captor before being sold to an outlander who was passing through the area. She is remarkably proficient with an particular style of heavy sword with an blade that curves inward.
  22. Unouk appears to be a man of 22 years. In point of fact he is 38, but he suffers under a frustrating curse. Each morning when he wakes up, his physical age for that day is randomly determined using a d100. On some days he is an impossibly old man, and on others he is a toddler who may not be able to speak, let alone walk. The poor man was purchased several years back by a wizard who required a guinea pig for his explorations into the secrets of long life. One of those experiments caused his current affliction, which makes him useless for further study. The wizard is hoping to recoup at least some of his losses on this sale.
  23. Quaestoria is a young woman of exceeding beauty. She was taken as warbooty from a besieged town several years ago. As the city was falling she took care to smear herself with filth, and pad her clothes with hay to make herself unappealing to the rampaging soldiers–which worked. But once she’d been sold to one of the slave merchants following the warcamp, her beauty was eventually noticed. Taking a gamble that he could get a higher price if he first invested in her, Quaestoria was sent to finishing schools and brothels to be trained and certified as a woman of sexual talents to match her physical beauty. Now, after all his investment, Quaestoria is on the block for the first time, and her owner hopes to make a princely sum off of her.
  24. Edgugu is a pale man, with wiry limbs and and a half starved look to him. He spent the majority of his early life living in a massive underground complex built by a progenitor empire, which fell before the dawn of recorded history. The people who lived there fled to escape some catastrophe on the surface many generations before, and despite the horrors they faced in the dungeon, it was a well known fact that whatever awaited them on the surface was worse. Edgugu now wishes he had listened to everyone who had told him he was foolish to venture to the surface, as he was quickly picked up by slavers to be sold. He only wishes he had brought some of those yellow stones everyone on the surface seems to value so much. In the dark place where he comes from, they were as common and useless as pebbles.
  25. Petunia was born in an underground human farm, where she was bred for a singular purpose: to one day host a brain parasite. After being born, her parents were killed, chopped up, and their parts kept in stasis in case Petunia ever needed anything replaced. She survived the culling process, in which the constitutionally weaker children were weeded out. She spent a lifetime training her body to provide the best possible vessel, all while she was kept from anything that might strengthen her mind against the creature who would eventually inhabit it. She had reached the age of maturity, and was only waiting for a fresh parasite to be born so it could take up residence in her, when a band of mercenaries under the command of a wizard raided the place for magical components. The wizard wasn’t interested in any of the humans, so Petunia (and several others) were taken by the mercenaries as a bit of extra pay, and sold off at the earliest opportunity. She had no name before this, and “Petunia” was given to her by the auctioneer about 15 minutes ago.
  26. Faylana does not have any legs, or feet. She was born without any lower body at all. She ends right at the waist. Her parents were disgusted by her when she was born, and she was left out in the street to die. Fortunately for her, she was found by a woman who operated a freak show, and taken in as a performer. Faylana is now 12 years old, and has been performing all of her life. Unfortunately, the freak show hasn’t been doing so well, and she’s being sold off by her owner’s creditors to pay for the show’s debts.
  27. Hustubar is a naked man who appears to be made entirely of muscles. Large metal plates, with spikes on them, have been embeded into his skin. The plates are not very effective in their coverage, however. They cover his scalp, his pectoral muscles, his shoulders, and bits all over his body, but they exist more for show than for protection. Notably, Hustubar’s dick & balls are encased within a round metal box with hinges on it, and a prominent keyhole on the front. Hustubar sold himself into slavery to become a gladiator (a profession much more comfortable than his life as a pauper, but not available to free men.) His modifications are the result of his time at a particularly creative gladiatorial school, and now he’s looking to reap the rewards of his many years of training. He plans to win many fights, so his master will repay him with good food, comfortable living, and women.
  28. Porold has never been terribly good at following the rules. When he was 22, he lost his hand as punishment for thievery. He didn’t even steal because he needed it. His family were not affluent, but they were well connected enough that Porold could have had a good life if he’d been willing to work hard. But he wasn’t. Despite his punishment, Porold continued to steal. He managed not to get caught, but it was clear to his family what he was doing. They feared the ruin to their reputation that would be done if their son was caught a second time, and so Porold was disowned, and sold into slavery by his parents.
  29. Votaldia was, until very recently, apprenticed to a blacksmith. She performed chores in exchange for room, board, and being taught her master’s craft. Unfortunately for her, her master was lazy, incompetent, and crass. That Votilda is today even a tolerably capable blacksmith is testament to her own strength of character and drive to excel. She was eagerly awaiting the end of her apprenticeship so she could get away from her master. Then the tax man came, and she learned that her master was deep in debt. Further, she learned that she had been put up as collateral the last time he had promised to make his payments. She’s red faced and steaming mad as she stands on the block. She was a mere 7 months away from freedom just a week ago. Now she’s looking at a lifetime of slavery.
  30. Tauzdl is a man with long hair, sorted into five braids. He’s lean and muscular, with particularly powerful legs. He’s proud of his record as a message runner. If given an opportunity, he will brag about one time when his master was on campaign, and the horses had all contracted some plague, how he ran for a full day and night to get message to a nearby fort that reinforcements were needed. He’s a particularly obedient slave, hoping to earn freedom someday. Unluckily for him, when his master retired from public life, he no longer needed a message runner, and decided to sell Tauzdl rather than free him.
  31. Dubala became the personal attendant for a young man from an impoverished noble house when she was in her 30s. Now in her 50s, but still spry, Dubala watched her ward rise to prominence within the political structure of his homeland, restoring his family name to prominence. He became a general, and waged many campaigns with Dubala by his side. She has become used to commanding a certain respect, for despite being a slave, she was known to speak with the voice of her master. Unfortunately, a recent campaign went disastrously poorly when her master’s political enemies conspired with their own nation’s military enemies to bring down the great general. He is now held as a captive by the king who defeated him, while Dubala and most of his men are being sold off as slaves.
  32. An infant girl is up for sale, literally just pulled from her mother’s womb a few days ago. She doesn’t have any name yet. There is a 50/50 chance that her mother was already sold. If she hasn’t been sold, then she’s in the back recovering, and won’t be put up for sale for a few days yet.
  33. Lupoldi is a short man of sleight build. He’s an expert horse rider, who specializes in coaxing the absolute most speed possible from his mount. He was purchased a few years back while the army was out on campaign to serve as a message carrier back to the capitol. Now that the campaign is over, Lupoldi is just one piece of excess equipment that is being sold off to bring down costs.
  34. Ceruli has was sold into slavery as a youth, and for many years was deeply resentful of her station in life–as anyone would be. However, when she was 26, Ceruli encountered a stoic philosopher, and began attending his lectures whenever she had the opportunity. The philosophy connected with her, and she came to believe that striving for something other than your current position in life was a source of suffering. That the world would be a better place if each person would simply strive to do their best in whatever place they find themselves. Since then she has become a devoted stoic, and works diligently to serve as a good and honest slave.
  35. Guadur is the son of a woman, and a celestial equine. He has the shape of a man, but his feet are hooves, and he is covered in short, almond colored fur. He has a tail, two large nostrils, raised ears on top of his head, and an absolutely massive dick. The thing hangs down to his ankles, and despite its size relative to his body, functions without any difficulty. After being stolen from his mother by an unscrupulous circusman, Guadur spent years entertaining people as a freak, before being purchased some years ago by one noblewoman, as a sort of “gag gift” for another. He spent a few years floating between the homes of the decadent rich, before becoming old news, and ending up for sale here.
  36. Ustevi is 238 years old. Nobody knows how or why he is still alive. He is impossibly thin and frail. His body barely functions, and he must be pushed around in a wheelchair. At most, he can raise his arms to point at things, wiggle his toes, or rasp out words at a frustratingly slow rate. Ustevi has seen a great deal in his life, and could tell such stories that you’d hardly believe. But all the same, he’s mostly useless, and pretty cheap.
  37. Jilutta and Wesdia are conjoined twins. They have a single body (with some redundant organs) and two heads. They’re a novelty slave, and they know it, so they try to make themselves as interesting as possible. They’re skilled at singing duets, and have composed several original songs which poke fun at themselves. They’ve become quite good at coordinating their arms for tasks like juggling, or using them separately such as to draw two paintings simultaneously. They’ve also perfected a certain sexual allure, despite their somewhat lumpy body. This includes a number of techniques that “only a woman with two heads can do for you.”
  38. Norumb is a giant at, 6′ 10″ tall. His head has a large chunk missing out of it, like a bite taken out of a gingerbread man. In point of fact, that’s precisely what happened when he was a child, and was rescued from a massive wolf who had dragged him off into the woods. Much of Norumb’s brain is gone. He lacks any manual dexterity, and will drop almost anything put into his hands. He can walk alright, and seems to understand very simple words, but he can’t speak himself, and he often becomes distracted. Many have thought they could make use of him, but so far all of them have become frustrated to the point of selling him eventually. Norumb is very, very cheap.
  39. Krustlausiga is an exotic dancer in her mid 80s. It’s a talent she has worked at and perfected since her youth, and it is the only real skill she claims to have. Who her clientele have been for the last few decades is something of a mystery, as she lacks even the madam’s skills, which most aging sex workers develop. She will do whatever is demanded of her, of course, but will miserably fail at anything that isn’t sexy dancing.
  40. Buezdul is a muscular, bald eunuch. As a child he was a singer, and was cut to prevent his voice from changing. He still sings quite well, but his voice has deepened enough that he’s not really useful as a singer any longer. He spent some years training in wrestling, and is now advertised as a useful guardian for virgins, and other women who should not be touched by a man.
  41. Purlonia cannot speak. As a young child, she was witness to her master murdering a rival in his own home. She was beaten for being in a place she should not have been, then forced to help him dispose of the body. Afterwords, fearing the child slave may inadvertently reveal him in idle talk, Purlonia’s master boiled the fern of the Bernuli plant, and forced the hot water down her throat. She has never been able to speak a word since that day.
  42. Vuno is a man with fewer years ahead of him than there are behind. Some years back he was infected with a crystalline parasite, which has replaced many of his internal organs. Its growth seems to be halted at this point, but its presence is obvious. His teeth have been pushed out by formations of crystal which have grown to fill his mouth. He struggles to breathe, and would be long dead from starvation if his stomach had not also been replaced by crystals, which radiate from his midsection, absorbing light and converting it into vitality. Vuno cannot speak with words as you and I do, but the crystals do allow him to make his voice heard within the minds of anyone within 1 mile of himself. He cannot receive responses, but he is very useful for passing secret messages, or ensuring your orders are disseminated more quickly than your enemies’ are.
  43. Ammini was turned into an instrument. There is nothing overtly magical about this transformation, but it extends beyond the known practices, or even the theoretical ones, of modern surgery. There are a series of metal pipes inserted into her chest, each terminating within her lungs. A turn knob on her throat closes off her human breathing passage, and transforms the simple rhythms of breathing into an eerie musical performance, which she can manipulate by opening different parts of the many pipes sticking out from her torso. Ammini will insist she has been this way for as long as she remembers, but she says this only to save herself the pain of telling and retelling this story to each new master she is passed to.
  44. Luster is a human affected by dwarfism–not to be confused with a dwarf. While the new Lord of a noble house was putting his dead father’s affairs in order, he discovered Luster in his father’s private study. The poor man was wearing a sort of “puppy” outfit, with openings in it that had an obvious sexual intent. The young lord quickly burned the outfit, and other paraphernalia that Luster was only too happy to point out to him. He then made sure that Luster would be sold far, far away from anywhere that his stories might bring shame upon the house he had served.
  45. Fiddost is a hawk-nosed woman of middle years. Somehow, despite literally being a slave on an auction block, she has a way of making people feel a little embarrassed by her obvious judgements of them. She is a stylist of the highest degree. She will style your hair, oversee the crafting of your garments, and ensure that you always look impressive. More than that, she manages to do this without following the foppish fancy of passing trends, or by crafting ludicrous fashions that will impede the real work of her masters. The only complain anyone has ever had of her is her intensely unlikable demeanor, which is why she has so frequently found herself on the auction block.
  46. Ivott was, until recently, a galley slave. Rather than row the boat, however, Ivott was tasked with keeping tempo for the rowers by slowly beating a drum. It’s simple work, and a cushy job compared to the others available on the ship, but Ivott couldn’t resist the urge to play around a little more with the drums. His musical inclinations led him to perform complex little songs for the rowers, who enjoyed their lives significantly more, and whose rowing got significantly worse. Even after repeated warnings and beatings, Ivott would still sneak in his little performances, until the flustered ship’s captain just couldn’t take it anymore, and sold Ivott off at the nearest port. Ivott misses his drums very much, and constantly rapps his fingers on just about anything.
  47. Scribe 83 is a woman with the number “83” tattooed in large, black print across her whole face. She was purchased as a child by a woman of meticulous temperament who put her to work as a scribe. In this woman’s estimation, names only served to confuse the more essential information of each slave’s existence, and so all of her names were given a function and a number to use as a name. Scribe 83 served dutifully for 34 years, until pains in her hands developed, preventing her from doing her work. That was yesterday. Today she is up for sale.
  48. Obarg was a pirate until a couple weeks ago. The hideout was raided, the ship taken, and all the pirates hauled back to civilization. Kept in chains in the belly of their own ship. Only just a moment ago, the captain and first mate were executed for the education and entertainment of the public. When that was done, the rest of the pirate band were set to be auctioned off. A handful of landowners who owned a mine together purchased them for the deadly job of mining in the deep dark tunnels of the earth, but Obarg was somehow missed in the shuffle and now finds himself up for sale on the general auction block. Once alone with his new master, he will reveal a secret to them: he knows the location of the pirate band’s treasure, and he will exchange that treasure for his freedom. This is all true: as the camp was being raided, Obarg quickly stole the map from the captain’s quarters, and hid it inside of his butt. He’s had nothing else to think about for weeks now, so he knows precisely what his plan is. He’s going to keep this information close to his chest, until he can be relatively assured of his freedom. Only then will he reveal that he has a map, and hand it over. If the situation works out well enough, he may attempt to gather a band of his own to follow the folk who release him, ambush them, and take the treasure for himself.
  49. Givabia is a specialist of level 1d4. She was raised under a master who was noble enough to mingle with the aristocracy, but whose family was impoverished enough that he had to get creative about making money. For years, Givabia was his secret weapon, a personal attendant who could scout the place during the day while walking behind him, then return some time later to burgle it, sell off anything distinctive, and bring the coin to her master to reinforce the family finances. Unfortunately, Givabia recently made the mistake of getting caught. She was lucky not to be executed on the spot, but instead was dragged back to her master. With a grimace of disappointment he gave her a savage beating, then sent her to the auction block to hide his involvement in the affair. Her bruises are still obvious, and her cracked rib and ankle still untended. She’ll probably have a limp for the rest of her life at this point.
  50. Relva spent years as an assistant to a magician. She maintained his curios, cleaned up after his experiments, and alphabetized his tinctures. Recently, there was an explosion in his lab when certain experiments went awry. Relva lost both of her arms and legs in the blast, and swears up and down that there was something more than fire in the blast. Regardless, she’s eager to find ways to make herself useful, though nobody can really think of any good ones, so she’s currently selling for very cheap. Nobody has noticed yet–not even Relva herself–but her years of exposure to the forces of the outer realities has infected her, causing her to radiate a sort of odd force. The fabric of what is usual bends around her, sometimes in barely perceptible ways, but sometimes in quite significant ways.(Note: Here, at the halfway mark, this is already the longest post ever written on Papers & Pencils. Why am I doing this to myself?)
  51. Yvorn is a strapping young man with lean muscles, and flowing blond hair. His skin is smooth, with only a soft down of hair along his arms and legs. He was purchased away from a gladiatorial school before completing his first month of training to serve the amorous desires of a corpulent and wealthy merchant. Yvorn satisfied the man for many years, until the development of a series of hemorrhoids prevented him from performing his primary duties adequately.
  52. Esthuna saw something. Nobody knows what, though, because whoever she saw covered their tracks thoroughly. Her tongue has been removed, and her lips sealed shut by sewing them together, then burning them with hot iron so they would heal shut. A small hole was cut into her cheek that she could eat through. She does not know how to write, and the backs of both her hands have been branded with a photographic warning: hands are for work. Not for pointing.
  53. Disfij is going through puberty right now, which means the market has dried up, and it’s time for his pimp to sell him off to someone who will find better uses for him. Life up to this point has caused Disfij to become a disturbed young man, who will attempt to seduce any men he meets in the hopes of gaining favor and protection from them.
  54. Clofullia is a slender young woman of voluptuous endowment. Her body would normally ensure that she was sold as an object of sexual play, save for her most notable feature: a wiry, 4′ beard. The hair is thick and tough; even a close shave leaves her face coarse to the touch. But she has been a great success as a carnival sideshow, and is only now being sold because her previous owner made so much money that he decided to retire from circus life altogether.
  55. Vuld is skilled at a peculiar sort of social tactic, wherein he points out holes in the statements and character of everyone his master meets. This allows Vuld’s master to remain aloof and friendly, while Vuld does the dirty work of forcing a person to justify themselves and their promises.
  56. Heiam is a massive woman, standing nearly 7′ tall, with powerful muscles, and an almost comically curvaceous figure. She proudly describes herself as a “breeder of great men.” Pregnancy and birth are her trade, and at the age of 30 she has already produced 14 children for 9 different masters. Each of these is a strong boy, handsome, and growing well. She’s eager to get started on #15.
  57. Godgio is a fat young man whose skin has been permanently tinted gold to facilitate the enigmatic eroticism of his dance. He is surprisingly light on his feet, and skilled at wobbling his folds in ways that first seem amusing, but the longer they continue, the less you’re able to look away.
  58. Ustia has reached the age where children call her old, but everyone else knows it’s rude to say for a few years yet. She’s a cook with no great culinary talent. Her skill, rather, is the speed and volume with which she prepares food. Formerly she was employed to work during public festivals, or in military camps.
  59. Gondecune is a woman in her late 30s who is well suited to a variety of work, but cannot do anything that requires her to sit. Unfortunately, during her youth, she was trapped in a beseiged building, and the people therein began to starve. The slaves were forced to draw lots, and when Gondecune drew the short straw, her buttocks were removed, cooked, and fed to the men there. Tragically, it was only then another day before the seige was finally lifted.
  60. Dwinog has spent his whole life carrying things, and he’s become very good at it. It goes beyond mere strength–though his strength is impressive. Dwinog has developed his sense of balance to the degree that he can transport loads on his back that any sensible man would consider too much for one man. Can carry easily twice the load that would normally be allowed of someone even with his strength.
  61. Jezzuli Plote is a wiry man, with grey eyes and thick hair, scented with oils and perfumes. He is a skilled masseuse and contortionist, whom the auctioneer promises will help enrich his master’s life through healthy living. He’s also wearing a muzzle, which the auctioneer says is because he has “a barber’s propensity for constant chatter–but it certainly keeps one’s mind active during a nice massage!” In truth, the muzzle is there because Jezzuli has tourettes.
  62. Valerian was, until recently, a slave whose only duty was to provide a stool for his master. Either because his master wanted to rest his feet, or because he needed to step up onto some higher surface. Valerian’s master took great delight in constantly humiliating Valerian for some unknown reason–a prior acquaintance, perhaps. Valerian does swear up and down that he is a king, but he speaks with such fervor that he comes off as crazy. Recently, Valerian developed a painful pustule on his back, which seeps puss and smells atrocious. His master could no longer bear the smell of him, and is having him sold off so someone could work him to death or something.
  63. Fuluviam is a bad slave. She frequently tries to escape, and never pays any heed to her master’s commands. Like any such slave, she was sent to the mines to be worked to death, and just like a thousand other slaves, she worked there until she suffered a severe injury. A cave in trapped her leg, and they had to cut it off to pull her out. They judged that she didn’t have much chance of surviving, and even if she did, she was useless now, so they left her to die. But Fuluviam did what she could to stem the flow of blood, and other slaves risked beatings to drag her into the shade, and to bring her water and food. Miraculously, she recovered, and left the mine foreman with the curious problem of figuring out what to do with a one legged slave. Ultimately, he decided to foist the problem onto someone else by just selling her. Fuluviam is a hardened woman, but after years in the mines, and the loss of her leg, her spirits are at an all-time low.
  64. Ebart is a superb scribe. With tools as primitive as quill and ink he can transcribe words faster than any dictator can speak them. He’s also noted for his skills as a tattooist, though has found very little use for those skills since becoming a slave in the south. Among the northern tribes, however, his designs were quite popular.
  65. Noscheste is a priestess of Servilax, god of servitude. After her ordination, while trying to find the best way to exemplify servitude, Noscheste decided to sell herself into slavery. She banked on the renown of her order to get a bidding war going. She raised a significant sum for herself, which she donated to the church of Servilax, to be used in tending the poor. Since then, she served her master with dutiful vigor, and was recently rewarded with her freedom. She now seeks to repeat the process, and is selling herself once again.
  66. Posejus is a faithful of Bulzupont, a forbidden god who promises that someday, all slaves will be free men. Posejus himself is a cleric, of level 1d4. One of his spells is a sort of specialized “command,” which subtly encourages his owner to sell him to the person he indicates. This allows him to moves among as many communities of slaves as he can. He preaches to them, and tends their ailments to the extent that his limited skills allow.
  67. Bisbi is 8. She’s been a slave all her life, and is very good at bringing plats and cups to masters while they eat. She can also feed chickens, scrub floors, and she knows a few songs to sing if someone plays the lute for her. She doesn’t really know how to do very many things at all, and isn’t a particularly bright child, but she’ll certainly try to do what she’s told.
  68. Thurlin has 5 well-muscled arms. There are two on his right side, and three on his left, and all are fully functional arms. He was born into the service of a man who kept him around as a novelty. Not to mention that he was often much more efficient than a single slave, being able to bring 2.5 times as many plates to the table in a single trip, etc. Unfortunately, Thurlin’s master has fallen upon hard times, and hopes to solve his financial issues by selling Thurlin to someone who will get more use out of his peculiarity. A circus perhaps, or a gladiator school.
  69. When you take away a magic user’s oddments, their tomes, their laboratory, their vestments their wands, and all the other trappings of wizardry, they’re very much a regular person. A soldier without arms and armor still knows how to fight, but magic users are like software engineers in a world without computers. Yevisalia has found herself in that unfortunate position. Despite having 1d4 magic user levels, an untimely spacial vortex transported her to this dismal place, and transported all her personal effects to locations unknown. She supposes she ought to consider herself lucky she wasn’t killed, but being discovered naked and unconscious by the side of the road by a slave merchant has not made her very prone to look on the bright side of things.
  70. Psalmuk is a corpulent man in heavy chains. A gourmand of the highest caliber, Psalmuk was once jealously coveted by the aristocracy before his furious temperament came to the fore. When ordered by his master to prepare a meal he considered insulting to his culinary talents, Psalmuk violently beat his master to death with a cooking pan. Normally he would have been put to death, but the executor of his dead master’s estate thought it a shame to lose such a talented chef. None of the aristocracy would even accept him as a gift after the murder, however, so he’s now here on the general block, selling for a vastly reduced price.
  71. Utagum is an armorer, and has spent much of his life hammering out breastplates and helmets for the army. But his true passion is fashion, which he frustratingly tries to work into his work at every opportunity, despite repeated commands to stick to the basics. After one too many helms with extraneous horsehair braids, and breastplates with giant spiked nipples, Utagum was sent to the auction block, where you now find him.
  72. Relluma is a corpulent woman; slow moving, but strong and capable. An ugly series of scars covers her neck, and cascades from chin to chest, and from shoulder to shoulder. Some years ago she was struck by lightning right in the throat, which left her completely mute. This was particularly tragic, as up to that point her greatest asset was her singing voice.
  73. Saltimus was, until recently, owned by a merchant whose wealth dwarfed many of the aristocratic families of the area. Saltimus was never able to adapt well to servitude, and suffered frequent beatings for sloth and disobedience before the frequent threats of being sold at auction finally came to pass. Saltimus is seething with rage over this. If purchased by anyone who seems to have a vagabond’s temprament, he will make an offer. In exchange for manumission, he will use his extensive knowledge of his former master’s residence to assist you in looting the place. He’s happy to let you have a 95% share of the loot, so long as he’s allowed his freedom, enough money to get his life started, and the opportunity to slit his former master’s throat in his sleep.
  74. Soaemias is a demure woman of plain features, and a perpetually blank expression. This dull exterior is her disguise for a sharp wit, and a certain ruthlessness. She is not herself a magician, but many years ago she was slave to a wizard of some ability. Without any training, Soaemias managed to force an entire spell into her mind. It is a particularly potent spell, which she has kept locked in her thoughts for years now. It presses upon her, forcing other thoughts out of her mind and making her appear dullwitted. She’s waiting for the right opportunity to use it to best effect, and if she encounters a magic user, she will have found it. She will offer to trade the spell for her freedom, and 1000 currency. While the price may seem steep, it is in truth a very small price to pay for a spell as good as this.
  75. “Killa-Z” is a woman of 50 years, and a well known gladiatorial legend. Out of over 1000 fights, she lost only 46, and only one of those happened after her first 300. She was most well known for her trick shots with the bow, dancing around her opponents in close quarters and pinning first their feet, then their hands, with arrows. But she was just as talented with short swords, tridents, and staves. Usually, such a successful career would have made her a free woman by now, but her master is particularly greedy. He hopes to sell her off as a sort of “collector’s item,” and the cost for her is exorbitantly high.
  76. Drozdare is an educated man, who specializes in the education of children. Like any respectable instructor, he knows that to spare the rod is to spoil the child, and drilled his students harshly in their lessons. He took satisfaction in knowing that the children of his master would grow up wise and temperate, but unfortunately he was completely mistaken about that. When the eldest of his pupils came to maturity and (after the unfortunate passing of his father) assumed control of the estate, his first act as to take vengeance on Drozdare for his many childhood beatings. Drozdare’s nose, ears, and 2 fingers from each hand were cut off, then he was sent to the block to be sold for a pittance.
  77. Oppia’s mind is a repository of games. She organizes learning games for little children, sporting games for young men and women, and gay amusements for more established folk. She’s an absolute must at any party. Though she’s never gotten very good at making sure her master doesn’t lose too badly.
  78. Brushuk claims to be from a city that floats upon the clouds. According to her, she forgot to put on her wings one morning, and when she stepped onto a particularly thin bit of cloud, she fell through and plummeted down to earth, which she says hurt quite a bit, and is why she was found unconscious by the slave merchant. If you help her return, she promises to reward you with an introduction to the mayor. As outlandish as all of this seems, Brushuk is actually telling the truth.
  79. Lanadabo has spent most of his years working for a shipwright, building ships under the direction of a certified master craftsperson. Recently, an accident crushed his arm, which had to be amputated, making him unfit for his work. Lanadabo may be only a slave, but he paid attention during those years he built ships, and is as competent a shipwright as any. He could easily direct the construction of a ship, if given the chance.
  80. Kursom is a gardener of some skill. Though she was never able to make her master’s gardens truly stand out among all the other men of his station, she kept pace with them well enough. Her master had no reason to be displeased, until one of his children mischievously spread a potent toxin across the garden as a jape. The sorry showing of dead plants was blamed on Kursom, and she was sold to make room for a more competent gardener.
  81. Blutandi has only been a slave for a short while. Before that she was a street performer who gathered crowds with her witty comments and jokes. Her comedy had an insulting quality to it, but always lighthearted enough that the victim could laugh along with everyone else. Sometimes she ran into somebody who couldn’t take a joke, but that wasn’t a problem. At least, until that someone was the local magistrate of this crummy town. Then it became very much a problem when she was quietly arrested and shipped a few towns over to be sold.
  82. Auscunu has been all over the world as the “lovely assistant” of the renowned painter, Vutelek Mukani. Mukani became famous for using the human body as his canvas, and creating transient artwork that took form in front of admirers, and was washed away into nothing at the end of the day. After 10 years of this, however, Mukani decided the art had gotten stale, and it was time to move on. Callously, he sold Auscunu off. “Burning the ships,” as it were, to make sure he could never falter and go back to an easier means of producing art.
  83. Norbet is dead, but nobody has noticed yet. He was killed while being experimented on by as physician of dubious credibility, and discarded in a nearby ditch. A few hours later he woke up, still dead, but somehow refusing to act like it, and wandered away in a haze. When a slave merchant happened upon a filthy man in rags who didn’t seem to know where he was or what was going on, he figured it was his lucky day and tossed Norbet in his wagon. In the two days since then, Norbet’s head has cleared up a little, but he’s still not 100% sure what’s going on.
  84. Bruland is a highly educated woman, who until recently was the scribe in charge of royal ledgers. Her power over the kingdom’s finances was considerable, to the point that even members of the aristocracy had to make requests of her. She started to become pompous, lording her power over her oppressors. For awhile, this worked out. The king favored her for her studious and reliable bookkeeping. But as the complaints grew, the king could no longer overlook the indignity Bruland was putting the nobles through, all in his name. As punishment, he has sent her to be sold at auction.
  85. Relevisio is in all respects a man, save for the pale green scales which cover every inch of his body. According to him, his mother’s father’s, mother was a lizard person. As only 1/8th lizard person himself, Relevisio lacks their cold blood, excellent night vision,  or incredible strength. He’s just a dude with scales.
  86. Saraken isn’t really a woman. She’s an anthropological device dropped onto our planet by aliens. She will walk, talk, and act like a human to the best of her adaptive program’s ability to simulate. Even surface level cuts will not reveal her artificial nature, and she would need to be completely dismembered to notice irregularities. Everything she sees and experiences is being recorded, and in a few years the aliens will return to retrieve her, and examine the recordings.
  87. Pularch’s master enjoyed his appearance, and wanted Pularch to become a dancer. He was apprenticed to another slave, who discovered that Pularch had two left feet. The man was incapable of learning how to dance. But their master only doubled down, insisting on more lessons, harsher consequences for failure, ever more lavish promises of reward for success. Only after years did he grow tired of the attempt. After so much strife, Pularch’s appearance had become nothing but a source of frustration, and he decided to have Pularch sold.
  88. Undaha was the high priestess of the cult of Guraka, the queen of murder. She was well favored by her goddess. A powerful woman who very nearly orchestrated the mass sacrifice of an entire village before she was stopped by a band of adventurers. For her failure her goddess stripped her of all her powers, and further weakened her, reducing all of her ability scores to 4. A broken woman Undaha was sold into slavery by the men and whoen who defeated her, looking to squeeze as much coin as they could out of the venture.
  89. Yombull is still a young man. He holds himself erect, with a false assuredness that this is merely a setback in his fortunes. By rights, he is king of a far off land, captured by foes while “subtly” carousing through their lands. He fully intends to heroically slay whomever becomes his master and escape at the earliest opportunity. In truth, Yombull is a dull witted young man, with a weak will and an over-inflated sense of self importance. He will break quite easily.
  90. Esri tells a story of a childhood trauma. She claims that she was sent into the woods to gather berries, ran afoul of a witch, and was cursed to be forever clumsy and dull witted. This is why she fails at every single task that is ever set for her. In truth, her clumsiness is an act of protest. She’s actually a clever and capable young woman, making a concerted effort to be as useless as she possibly can be to her oppressors.
  91. Garbo was a wealthy slave trader, once upon a time. Frequently he stood on this very block, harping on the values of this human or that, looking for the best price he could get to sell them into a lifetime of forced labor. Many people in the crowd will recognize him, and there are more than a few chuckles happening at his expense. Two months ago, an anti-slavery terrorist organization raided his caravan, and freed all the slaves he was taking to market. They then sold Garbo to his creditors to pay for a fraction of his own debts with his freedom. Now, here he is.
  92. Hortemun is an acrobat and gymnist. She can contort her body into seemingly impossible knots, and her balance is positively superhuman. Unfortunately, her exceedingly fine talents in these areas apparently come at the expense of her luck at the gambling tables. She’s been racking up debts for years, and when a wealthy man whose amorous advances she once snubbed caught wind, he bought up all of her debt, and demanded immediate remittance. When she could not, he had her seized, and sent to the block for auction.
  93. Blukaluk is a con artist, working on his biggest con yet. Everything is in place: his mark is in the crowd. He knows exactly what sort of slaves his mark tends to buy, and was chosen out of all the gang because he most closely resembles that type. Once he’s working in the mark’s house, he can scout it out for a few months, then let the rest of the gang in the back door, and lead them directly to all the valuables. The plan is risky, but Blukaluk is desperate for a score. Unfortunately, things are already starting to go wrong. Another member of the gang was supposed to be in the crowd to ‘buy’ him in case it looked like the mark wasn’t going to win the auction, but that gang member was delayed this morning, and isn’t here. Blukaluk is on his own.
  94. Cepirio is an elderly and learned sage, who has long passed any youthful ambitions of escaping slavery. She is an expert on the types and movements of birds, on the plant life of the natural world, and in matters of architecture. Further, she has a reasonable understanding of many related topics, which one must understand in order to appreciate the matter of their specialization to its fullest degree. She is willing to place this knowledge at the disposal of any who will give her a bit of warmth and good food for her final few years.
  95. Both of Kograg’s hands were replaced with swords as part of a gladiatorial freak show. As an untrained, and unremarkable slave, none had expected Kograg to survive the fight, and now no one knows what to do with him. His performance in the fight was not impressive or pleasing to the crowd, and without hands, he is good for little else. Further, a terrible infection has taken hold on Kograg’s left arm, which fills the air around him with a stench that is impossible to ignore. If not treated, this infection will require him to lose his arm in 2d4 days, and will kill him in 1d6 + 1 weeks.
  96. Mertyl’s previous master had a strange prediction for abusing his slaves by overfeeding them. Mertyl was his favorite victim. She was barely allowed to do anything other than eat, and eat, and eat. When he died, the executors of his estate wondered as to whether they should just kill Mertyl in the name of mercy, but greed prevailed and they’re attempting to sell her as a strange novelty. She currently weighs 600lb, and has very little mobility whatsoever.
  97. Thader is a 34 year old torchbearer. Holding light sources for people is the only thing he’s ever done, so to reinforce his ego, he’s turned it into some kind of art within his mind. He will tell you, without a hint of irony, that “not just anyone can hold a torch,” and could talk for hours about the myriad complicates and techniques and schools of thought (all of which he invented himself) are involved in the noble practice of torchbearing.
  98. Vesther is a sort of proto-vaudvillian comedian. She specializes in slapstick comedy and funny noises. She’s being sold because, during a routine, she accidentally poked her owner in the eye.
  99. Olate is a torturer, with the sort of strong sadomasochistic streak that separates the dutiful from the truly talented. So seriously does Olate take his work, that his previous masters have found him more than willing to torture himself when his masters have found fault with him. The only problem is that he’s altogether too vigorous. He will often go beyond the bounds of his mandate, torturing people for crimes before they have been caught or sentenced by any authority. He has even been known to torture animals for their misdeeds. There is always some offense, and he has never been found to be lying about these, but there’s just no getting him to stop. If told not to torture without given explicit instructions, he will still torture on his own initiative, then he will submit himself to his own tortures as punishment for doing so.
  100. Aurelia is a 14 year old girl with a stony face. She obeys quickly and obeys well. She’s almost too good at being a slave. Anyone with a modicum of insight can tell, when they look at her, that she’s always thinking, making plans, imagining new scenarios. In the distant future, epic poems about Aurelia will be familiar to every schoolchild. In those poems, you will be a footnote. The person who owned her when she was a young slave, before her rise to greatness later in life. But that is the distant future. For now, Aurelia is just a young girl with an 18 in every ability score. Hopefully part of that epic poem won’t be about her killing you.

And there you have it, the single longest post I’ve ever written for Papers & Pencils! If you like this sorta thing, and want to support what I do, please consider my Patreon campaign! Any money you can spare will go towards supporting my TRPG endeavors.

Better Magic Wands + d100 Magic Wands

Magic WandI have never liked magic wands. Even back when I thought 3rd edition D&D was the bee’s knees, they just felt dumb to me. Little spell dispensers that you charge up and then unload like a magic machine gun. Brendan of Necropraxis made a fine attempt at rehabilitating them, but even thus improved, they still didn’t feel quite right to me.

Recently I decided to sit down and try to fix a lot of things around the periphery of the Magic User class which I don’t like, and I’m actually phenomenally happy with this:

Creating a wand is a very simple thing to do. It’s among the first thing any aspiring magic user learns, and so the only requirements for crafting one is that the character be a magic user of any level.

The process takes one haven turn, during which the caster draws off some of their own vitality (equivalent to 1 hit point per hit die of the MU) and dangles it like bait in the unseen ether of the cosmos. Eventually, some small shard of unknowable horror will latch on to this succor, and the MU will be able to trap it within some small object. A skull, a taxidermied snake, or even a bit of a twig will work.

While it is so trapped, the creature will continue to gnaw at the bait, and the MU’s maximum hit points will be reduced by that amount. But the MU will be able to force the bound thing to act at their behest, lashing out from its confinement to attack the MU’s foes. Each bound creature lashes out in a different manner, and there is no way for the MU to control what sort of creature they get.

Each wand has an exhaustion die, which should be rolled any time the wand is used. On a 1, the creature within manages to break free. The wand works one final time, then breaks, and becomes useless. Magic Users may also choose to release bound creatures by breaking their wands themselves.

In either event, figure out which of your dice has a maximum result that is the closest to the number of hit points that were being gnawed on, without going over. (For example, if the MU had 7 hit dice, then they gave up 7 hp, and you’d roll a d6. Or a d7, if you’ve got one.) With the wand broken, the MU’s maximum hit points go back to normal, and they regain health equal to the die roll.

When a wand is created, roll on the table below to determine what effect the bound creature produces.

Note: Some of these wands include subtables which determine the precise function of the wand. These should be rolled on once to determine what sort of wand you have, and then remain consistent after that. These tables are not re-rolled every time the wand is used.

D100

  1. The target must save versus Devices. If they fail their save, their save versus Magic is increased by 2. Exhaustion Die: d12
  2. The wielder makes an attack roll against the target’s unmodified AC. A blast of (1. Fire, 2. Cold, 3. Acid, 4. Lightning, 5. Sonic, 6. Wind) strikes out, dealing 1d6 damage per 2 levels of the caster. ED: d8
  3. The wand elongates itself into a whip-like tentacle and strikes out at the caster’s target, before quickly retracting into its normal shape. The wand makes this attack roll itself, with a +1 to attack per 2 levels of the caster. The wand deals 1d8 damage per 2 caster levels. ED: d6
  4. A sticky goo sploots out of the wand, flying up to some high place indicated by the caster, and pulling them effortlessly up there. It takes 1 combat round to fire the thing, and 1 combat round to be pulled up. Casters level 4 and higher can complete the whole process in a single combat round. Casters level 8 and higher can use the wand as a free action. ED: 1d12
  5. Randomly determine one of the skills used in your game. When used, this wand grants the target the maximum level of that skill for 1 turn. ED: d4
  6. When used on a friendly target, their (1. Strength, 2. Constitution, 3. Dexterity, 4. Intelligence, 5. Wisdom, 6. Charisma) is temporarily raised to 18. This effect lasts 1 exploration turn per caster level. ED d8
  7. When used on a friendly target, their bonus to attack rolls is increased by 1 for each level of the caster. Effect lasts for 1 turn. ED: d6
  8. When used on a friendly target, the wand temporarily boosts their armor class by 1 per 3 levels of the caster. Effect lasts for 1 turn. ED: d4
  9. Sturdy rope can be dispensed from the tip of this wand. 50′ per use, although it can be used multiple times in a row to produce a longer piece of rope. Until the caster reaches level 4, this is hemp rope. After level 4, the rope is silk. ED d12
  10. When used on an object, that object ‘comes to life,’ and can move on its own. It gains whatever movement abilities are the bare minimum in order to perform its job adequately. For example, an animated jug will be able to float around, and to pour itself, but it won’t have the speed or strength to smash itself into people. A sword, on the other hand, would be able to move itself with enough force to deal normal weapon damage. If used on an object that is held by someone else, that person is entitled to a save versus Devices to resist the spell. Effect lasts for 1 hour per level of the caster. ED d8
  11. When used on a dead body, that body will rise as a walking corpse under the command of the caster. These are fragile creations, and will be de-animated if even a single point of damage is dealt to them (though they can be resurrected by casting the spell again). The corpses move at 60′, have an AC of 12 and deal 1d4 damage if ordered to attack. They last for 1 turn per level of the caster. ED: d8
  12. The wand allows the caster to perform a wide variety of moderately impressive feats, none of which have an obvious practical benefit. These consist mostly of what we might consider “stage magic.” Card tricks, pulling small animals or objects out of thin air, spraying sparks or smoke, etc. ED: d12
  13. Causes the target to grow to twice their current size. May be used repeatedly, with stacking effects. The growth causes whatever common sense improvements in ability the referee deems appropriate. Growing too large for whatever space you are in will cause damage if the structure gives way, and may cause death if the structure cannot break away to accommodate your size. Unwilling targets receive a save versus Device to resist being caused to grow. ED: d6
  14. When cast on a surface, a hollow, inverse pyramid will emerge, made of the same material as the surface it was cast on. This object will float just off the ground, following the caster at a distance of 10′. It can be commanded to stay put, but the caster must come within 10′ in order to retrieve it again. It can carry 2 encumbrance worth of objects per level of the caster, and lasts for 1 hour per caster level. ED: d12
  15. The target of this wand is entitled to a save versus Devices. On failure, they will begin to dance in, using whatever style they most enjoy. After 1d4 rounds they may attempt another save, and if they fail, another 1d4 rounds later, and so on until they succeed. Unusually, this wand can be used in a non-obvious fashion. Targets may never know what happened to them. ED: d8
  16. The target of this wand must make a save versus Devices. If they fail, they cannot move at all. This lasts for 1 round per level of the caster. ED: d4
  17. The caster may use the wand to create any image they can imagine. This illusory image may be 3 dimensional, and can encompass as much as 1 man-sized object every 3 caster levels. The image created is static, but is otherwise perfectly convincing to the eyes. Lasts for 1 hour per caster level. ED: d8
  18. The target of the wand must save versus Devices. If they fail, one of their (1. Fingernails, dealing 1d8, 2. Eyeballs, dealing 1d12, 3. Teeth, dealing 1d6, 4. A strip of skin, dealing 1d6) is violently torn from their body, dealing a commensurate amount of damage. ED: d6
  19. When used, the wand will jerk the casters arm to point towards (1. Gold, 2. A secret door or panel 3. A source of magic, 4. A person indicated during the use of the wand. 5. An indicated object, 6. The creature with the most hit dice in the immediate area) So long as they do not perform any actions (such as casting or combat), they can leave their arm limp, and the wand will continue to move their arm to keep it pointing at whatever it is indicating. ED: d6
  20. When used, a bit of goop is excreted from the end of the wand. This goop falls to the ground, and forms itself into a gremlin. Gremlins are terrible little creatures with neon skin, bug eyes, and hunched backs. They stand 6″ tall, and will do whatever you tell them to do, but they tend to do it in the most dickish way possible. Gremlins have a short life cycle, and will die of natural causes after 24 hours. ED: d8
  21. Casting this causes a spot on the ground to be charged with explosive magical energy. The spot is a circle, 2′ in diameter. If weight is applied to the circle , the explosive energy will be released, dealing 1d6 damage per caster level to whomever stepped on it, without a save. Anyone within 10′ takes half that damage, and may save versus Breath to take a quarter damage instead. ED: d6
  22. When cast on a weapon, a successful attack roll with that weapon will also required the target to make a save versus Poison. On failure, they (1. Take 2d6 damage from a random ability score, determined when the wand is created. 2. Take 3d6 damage from a random ability score, determined the same way. 3 Take 4d6 damage to a random ability score, determined the same way. 4. Die) The poison on the blade lasts for one turn per caster level. ED: d6
  23. When cast upon a lie that is communicated at the same time, that lie becomes very easy to believe. To the point that anyone hearing it will find the very idea of believing it is false to be ridiculous. There must be _some_ reasonable chance that the lie will be believed for this to work. You cannot, for example, tell someone that you’re their best friend and that you’ve known each other very well for years, it is impossible that they would believe that. You can, however, tell someone that you’re an old school chum that they’ve just forgotten about. ED: d4
  24. Restore some of the target’s hit points. At first level this restores 1d6 hit points. At third, 1d10; at fifth, 2d6; at seventh, 2d10, and so on. ED: d4
  25. If the caster touches the tip of the wand to the ground, and drags the wand along the ground, then a wall will rise up from that space, made of (1. Tempered Wire Mesh Glass, 2. Fire, 3. Colored Lights 4. Steel, 5. Same as the surface it rises from, 6. Spinning blades, 7. Stone, 8. Ice). The wall is 8″ thick, and 6′ high (+1′ for every 3 caster levels), with a maximum length of 10′ per caster level. The wall lasts for 1 minute per caster level. ED: d8
  26. The target must save versus Devices, or they will begin to choke; and will continue choking until the caster stops channeling the spell. While choking they may act normally, but cannot speak, and they take 1d4 damage each round. Unlike most wands, this wand may be activated subtlety, and the target may not necessarily know why they could not breathe. ED: d8
  27. Using this wand, the caster can make a hole appear in the ground. Where the contents of the hole disappear to is unclear, although it apparently ends up in the sky, because when the spell ends it falls down from above the clouds to land in the space it vacated. The hole is 10x10x10 at first level, and each dimension of the hole increases by 2 for each caster level. ED d6
  28. The target must save versus Devices. On a failure, they become frenzied and will attack with a blind fury. They may not flee, and cannot take any action other than attacking their target. They may use weapons, but not if the weapon requires any significant maintenance (they cannot reload a projectile weapon, for example.) While in this state, the target loses any bonus they may have had to hit, and must roll 1d20 unmodified for their attack rolls. If they do hit, they automatically deal the maximum possible damage. In this state, creatures are very easy to taunt, and will attack whoever dealt the most damage to them in the previous round.
  29. When using this wand, designate two targets of the same species of creature. Both may make a save versus Devices. If both fail, the two have become lifelinked. This has no effect unless one of the two dies, in which case the other will also die. ED: 1d6
  30. The target must immediately check morale, and if they fail, they must extract themselves from the situation in whatever way is appropriate. ED: 1d8
  31. When used, this wand causes the caster to vanish, and reappear at a different location. Use a d12 to determine the direction they move from their current location, assuming the numbers correspond to those on the face of a clock. They move 1d10 * 100′ along that vector. If where they would reappear is unsafe (such as inside a wall), they instead move back towards where they originated, and appear in the first safe space they encounter. The caster may bring 1 additional person or uncarried object with them per caster level. ED: d8
  32. Using this wand grants the targets the powers of a (1. Vampire, 2. Ghost 3. Bear, 4 Scorpion, 5. Mole, 6. Stone Golem 7. Unicorn, 8. Dragon). The effect lasts for 1 minute per level of the caster. The specifics of these powers are left to the referee to determine, but drawing upon superhero comic books for inspiration is recommended. ED: d6
  33. The earth where the caster indicates cracks, and molten lava begins to bubble up to the surface. It moves slowly, so anyone aware of it and free to move can avoid it, but being within 5′ of it causes 1d6 damage per round, and letting it touch you causes 2d6 damage, while falling into it or otherwise being engulfed by it causes instant death. The lava continues to flow out at a rate of 1 cubic feet worth each round, for 1 minute per caster level. ED: d6
  34. The target of this wand has their unarmed attack empowered to strike like a hammer. The first time the wand is used, it allows the target to roll a d8 for damage on their next unarmed attack. Subsequent uses of the wand can further empower the target, with each casting adding another d8 to the pool. So if the wand is used twice, then the target’s next successful unarmed attack will deal 2d8 damage. If used three times, the target will be able to deal 3d8 damage, and so on. This empowering remains in place until the target makes their next successful unarmed attack, after which their punching strength returns to normal. ED: d12
  35. Use of this wand binds the caster and the target together, allowing the caster to take themselves out of time, and give the time they lose to their partner. For as long as the wand’s wielder takes no actions, their partner may take twice the number of actions that would normally be allowed in a given span of time. For example, in combat, they may take two turns. While scouting, they may move at twice their normal rate without penalty. If they were to fail an attempt to stealth, they could make a second attempt to try and correct themselves before they were noticed. The effect ends the moment the caster does anything. ED: d12
  36. The target is bound to perform a simple, one-sentence task that the caster sets for them. They are entitled to a save versus Devices to resist. Targets who are unfriendly towards the caster receive a +3 bonus to their save. Targets actively engaged in combat against the caster receive a +6 to their save. Regardless of whether or not the task is completed, the compulsion only lasts for 1 hour per caster level. ED: d6
  37. When used on a friendly target, their base speed doubles. If the caster is level 4 or above, it instead triples. If the caster has reached level 8, it quadruples. The effect lasts for 3 exploration turns per caster level. ED: d12
  38. The targets must save versus Devices. On a failure, their morale is lowered by 1d4. This does not cause an immediate morale check, it only makes failure more likely when a morale check is called for. Wand effects 1 target per caster level. ED: d12
  39. The target must make a successful save versus Devices, or their armor rating is reduced by 1. If the caster is level 5 or above, they are able to reduce the targets armor by 2 on a failed save, and 1 on a successful save. At level 10 they can reduce by 3 & 2. ED: d8
  40. If the target fails a save versus Devices, their damage rolls are reduced by half (rounding up) for one round per caster level. ED: d8
  41. The target must make a save versus Devices or find themselves suddenly sluggish, as though they were moving through water. Their movement rate is halved. This lasts for 1 round for every 2 caster levels. ED: d8
  42. If the target fails their save versus Devices, then the next X times they would roll dice, they must instead roll 2 dice, and take whichever result is more favorable to the caster. Here, X is equal to the caster’s level. Using this wand on the same target multiple times can force them to roll one additional die per cast. Note that this spell may be cast on friendly targets as well. ED: d6
  43. The target must save versus Devices. On a failure, they will become a complete social buffoon for a number of rounds equal to to the caster’s level. Everything out of their mouth will either be boring, nonsensical, or unintentionally insulting. They are still more or less in control of themselves, and may push any agenda they want, or attempt to excuse themselves, but everything they do will come across poorly (including excusing themselves). This wand may be activated with subtlety. ED: d12
  44. When activated, this wand begins to exude a smell described by the caster. It may be pungently unpleasant, it may be fragrant enough to mask other scents, or it may be used to create smells that may attract certain beasts, like the smell of blood. ED: d12
  45. The wielder makes an attack roll against the target’s unmodified armor rating, dealing damage to the target, and then healing the caster for the same amount. At first the wand deals 1d4 damage, but this increases to 2d4 at level 3, 3d4 at level 6, 4d4 at level 9, and 5d4 at level 12. ED: d6
  46. The wielder makes an attack roll against the target’s unmodified armor rating, spraying the air around them with spores. The target is entitled to a save versus Poison, and if they fail, an egg survives all the way down into their lung, and it hatches. The next round it deals 1d4 damage to the victim, then 1d6, then 1d8, with the damage die rising higher each round. This persists for a number of rounds equal to the caster’s level. If the victim dies, then the creature born within their body has survived long enough to tear its way out. The creature of tentacles and pincers will then flee, seeking meat to make its nest. ED: d6
  47. When cast on a dead body, that bodies head will be animated, and will speak to you as though it were alive. At a minimum, the body must still have ears and a mouth in order for this effect to function. The corpse will answer a number of questions equal to the caster’s level. ED: d12
  48. A jet of water bursts from the end of the wand, slamming into the target who is entitled to a save versus Breath to leap aside. If they fail, they will be knocked backwards 10′ per level of the caster. If they strike an immovable object, they will take 1d6 damage for each increment of 10′ that they could not be pushed. ED: d6
  49. The wand emits a very peculiar sound, and the referee rolls on their encounter table. 1d10 minutes later, that thing from the encounter table will come to where the wand sounded from. It reacts normally to the player characters, though it’s not entirely sure why it just dropped everything to come here. ED: d12
  50. A kind of wire-form flower made of light emerges from the wand, and crashes into pieces upon the target. They are entitled to a save versus Devices. If they fail, then the will to fight suddenly leaves them. They are not dazed, nor are their perceptions clouded in any way, they merely gain a strong conviction that they do not want to participate in this fight. If harm comes to them, or if undue harm comes to their companions, they may yet force themselves to participate. ED d6
  51. A lance of green shoots out from your wand, and strikes upon the target’s forehead, snapping their head back with the apparent impact. They are entitled to a save versus devices, and if they fail it, will begin to take 1 damage each round. This will only end when they die, or when the caster wills for it to stop. ED 1d4
  52. The target gains a complete immunity to fire for 6 hours per caster level. ED 1d12
  53. When activated, a sudden wind blows through the area, kicking up dust from all around. 1d4 warriors made of dust appear, and will aide the caster in whatever they need. Each has only 1 hit point, but their armor rating is 11 + the caster’s level, and their attack bonus is equal to the caster’s level. They deal 1d8 damage on a successful attack. ED: d8
  54. When activated, time appears to stop for a brief moment, then suddenly everything that happens within the last minute happens in reverse. The caster, and only the caster, has traveled back in time 60 seconds. All others are required to act in precisely the same manner they did originally, unless the caster’s own actions would reasonably change their own. At level 3, the caster may bring 1 other person back in time with them, and at every 3rd level after that they can increase this number by 1. ED: d4
  55. A chittering sound is heard, first at a great distance, then suddenly swooping past to emanate from a single object of corrodible metal indicated by the caster. If this object is held by a person, they may make a save versus Devices to resist. If the save is failed, or if none may be attempted, the object quickly rusts into nothingness. ED: d6
  56. A randomly determined spell is cast from the wand each time it is used. After using the wand, the spell is determined, and the caster is allowed to read its description. The caster can then designate a target, along with any other variables that would normally be decided upon before a spell. Any material components are waived, as well as any lengthy casting times that might normally be required. The spell occurs instantly. The referee may roll the random spell on whatever table they choose, and should not feel restrained by the wand wielder’s level. The wand wielder, in turn, is encouraged to provide their referee with a case of beer to encourage them to roll on more badass tables. ED: d12
  57. Ever so slightly, the target’s eyes, ears, nose, tongue, and hands grow larger. Not so much that they look deformed, but enough that anyone watching the process will notice. All of the target’s natural senses (including those beyond the typical 5), are enhanced to superhuman levels. This lasts for 1 exploration turn per caster level. ED: d12
  58. Spectral chains covered with heavy weights briefly appear around the the target, who is allowed a save versus Device to resist. On failure, the chains briefly contract around the target before disappearing, and the target is suddenly no longer able to fly. It does not matter whether their flight was powered by physics, or by magic. Nor does it matter whether they were using motion to fly, or whether their wings were fixed. They plummet to the ground, and cannot fly again for 1 hour per level of the wand’s wielder. ED: d6
  59. With lightning speed the caster holds their wand aloft, and the spell they are responding to twists itself into painful shapes before flying into the wand. Part of the magic of this wand is that it grants the caster unnatural swiftness when they attempt to use it, allowing them to sacrifice their next action to activate this wand at any time, even during an opponent’s turn. The opponent is granted a save versus Devices to resist, but if failed, then the spell that opponent cast can be negated by the wand. ED: 1d6
  60. By activating this wand, the caster can re-form a spell which they already cast back into their mind, and cast it again. They must have had the spell memorized at some point since the last time they memorized spells. ED: d8
  61. It’s not quite clear what this wand does to achieve its effect. It can be used on any group of people small enough to be called a “band.” If you could call the group a “caravan” or an “army,” the charm will not work. When cast, the group’s journeys are…boring. Somehow they know to choose the road that won’t lead to them stumbling into a murder scene. Somehow, they just don’t look rich enough to tempt the bandits laying in wait. When this charm is cast, a group of travelers can skip 1 encounter roll per level of the caster. ED: d6
  62. This wand functions as a sort of “Ctrl+F for reality.” If presented with an obfuscation of objects in a fairly confined space, use of the wand will cause a certain specified thing to separate itself from the rest. Using this wand will cause the needle to separate from the haystack, cause a book to turn to a helpful page, or cause the gold coins to pop out of a heap of garbage. ED: d12
  63. When activated, luminous tendrils grow out from the wand to join the wielder in a wrestling attempt. While using this wand, the caster may grapple as though they have double their hit dice. ED: d6
  64. When activated, weapons made of light will grow from the wand, then fall into the air where they will float in a pattern that looks like they are being held by skilled warriors. The weapons are of all types, and will attack the caster’s foes. Each weapon deals 1d8 damage, and attacks as though it were wielded by a fighter of the caster’s level. Once a weapon deals damage, it will disappear. The weapons cannot be damaged by normal attacks, and unless they are dispelled, will continue to attack until they deal damage, or until 1 hour has passed. A first level caster summons only 1 weapon, with another weapon added for each even numberd level. ED: d8
  65. A cloud rises from the wand, creating a dome 20′ in diameter, +5′ per caster level. Within this cloud, the gods cannot see, and any powers granted by a deity will not function. The cloud lasts for 2 rounds per caster level. ED: d6
  66. Wireframe hexagons ‘pop’ from the wand, and fly up to arrange themselves in a dome at a location the caster indicates within their line of sight. The dome is 20′ in diamter, +5′ per caster level. Within this dome, the forces of reality are locked down, and magic cannot function. The dome lasts for 2 rounds per caster level. ED: d6
  67. The wand cracks open when this spell is cast, allowing hundreds of insects to crawl out of it before it seals itself back together. The insects are enough to fill a 5x5x5′ space, +5′ on each dimension per 2 levels of the wielder. The primary use of the insects is that they really freak people the fuck out, but they also obscure vision and sound with their buzzing bodies. Furthermore, if desired, they can sting foes within the cloud, dealing 1 point of damage per turn. The swarm persists for 1 turn per 3 caster levels. ED: d6
  68. 3 hit dice worth of targets per caster level must save versus devices. On failure, the immediately fall to the ground and sleep. ED: d8
  69. The target of the wand may attempt a save versus Devices. On failure, their body is transformed into (1. A frog, 2. A sheep, 3. A fish, 4. A housefly, 5. A snail, 6. A pot bellied pig.) Their clothing and equipment will suddenly no longer fit them, and will fall to the ground. They retain their minds, and will be able to react to their situation intelligently, but they cannot speak or take most actions. This effect lasts for 1 minute per caster level. ED: 1d4
  70. When used, the wand grants the caster telekinetic abilities. For each caster level, they are able to lift roughly 50 lb with their mind, and move it at a ponderous speed with perfect accuracy within their line of sight. ED: d8
  71. When used, this wand creates a dimensional portal from the wielder’s present location, to another location that they are familiar with within 100′. Aside from the caster, one person can travel through the door for every 3 levels of the wielder. ED: d6
  72. The wand project a giant hand, large enough to easily grip a full grown man in its fist. The hand grapples as a creature with a d12 hit die of the same level as the caster; and attacks with the bonus of a fighter the same level as the caster. ED: d4
  73. When cast on a an area 5’x5′ (+5′ per 2 caster levels), any plants in that area will grow at an accelerated rate, progressing to full maturity in a single adventuring turn. If the wielder is 4th level or higher, the process takes place in a single combat round. At 8th level or higher, the plants not only grow to their full potential, but at an option, can be forced to grow wildly out of proportion to their normal size, up to 4x what would normally be possible. ED: d8
  74. With a flick of the wand, the wielder causes a spectral mouth to appear and bite the target. They roll an attack roll as though they were a fighter of their current level. The bit deals 1d6 damage per caster level. ED: d6
  75. Use of this wand may be declared at any time, and the caster forfeits the next action they would normally have. The target may save versus devices, and if they fail, the wand wielder may redirect the target’s actions in another direction. So, for example, if the target has made an attack against one of the caster’s allies, the caster can force that attack to be directed to one of their foes instead. ED: d12
  76. When activating this wand, the caster must first declare a type of action: walking, attacking, spellcasting, speaking, dancing, lockpicking, etc. The action indicated must be similarly specific to those listed, and the referee should reject anything as simple as “movement,” or anything involuntary such as “breathing.” The target may attempt a save versus Devices, and if they fail, they are locked out of performing that action for 1 round per level of the caster. They may otherwise act normally.
  77. When used on a wall or other surface, that surface becomes temporarily immaterial. Anything leaning or hanging on that surface will fall, and anyone who wishes to may pass through the surface as though it were just a thick fog. The visual appearance of the surface does not change in anyway. This works for surfaces 1′ thick (Jumping to 10′ thick at level 5, then 100′ thick at level 10), and an area of 10’x10′, increasing by 10′ in both dimensions at every third caster level.
  78. When activated, this wand summons a sphere of light, comparable to a torch. At level 4 and higher, the light from the orb is comparable to sunlight. At level 6 or higher, the orb can be ordered to “flare” once per adventuring turn, and everyone who was not forwarned has to make a save versus Breath or be blinded for 1 round. The orb lasts for 2 hours per caster level. ED d12
  79. Causes a block of ice to appear. Very roughly 10′ by 10′ by 10′ in dimension. If summoned above a group of people, they are entitled to a save versus Breath to leap out of the way or take 6d6 crushing damage. If summoned around a group of people, they are entitled to a save versus Devices, or they will become frozen in a block of ice, and put into cryogenic stasis until it melts. ED: d4
  80. When cast upon a structure, it begins to slowly shake and wiggle itself apart. Nails and screws fall out of place, adhesives weaken, and over the course of 1 hour the structure just…crumbles. At first level it works only on small structures like tool sheds or single room huts. At level 3, the wand works against houses of moderate size. At level 6, it can affect an entire manse. At level 10, it could take down a castle. At level 16, it could bring down a skyscraper. If the caster wishes, they can immediately exhaust the wand to bring the structure down instantaneously, without the hour of shaking and wiggling. ED: d4
  81. Each friendly target tapped by the wand is given an illusory disguise of a general type. You can be “A man from this town,” but you can’t be “Dave, the butcher.” Each tap counts as a separate use of the wand. At first, the illusions are only incorporeal, and anyone touching the disguised person will have a chance to notice that the physical presence of the target is not precisely the same as their appearance. If the caster is level 3 or higher, the disguise also alters the voice of the target. At level 6 or higher, the illusion becomes tactile as well, so a person who is not wearing a hat, but is disguised to be wearing one, now actually has a hat which can be touched and felt. At level 9 or higher, the wand can be used to disguise the target as a specific individual, and the likeness will be good enough that it may even fool that person’s friends, if the player manages to act appropriately. Each disguise lasts for 2 hours per caster level. ED: d8
  82. The target’s experience of time is slowed slightly, allowing them to appear to move much more quickly than would normally be possible. The target may take 1 additional action each round, either taking a second movement action, or a second attack action. This effect lasts for 1 round per level of the caster. ED: d6
  83. When cast on a piece of metal, that metal begins to heat up. On the round the spell is cast, the metal is merely warm to the touch. The round after that, however, the metal becomes quite hot, and deal 1d4 damage to anyone touching it. The round after that, it becomes scorching, dealing 2d4 damage to anyone touching it. The metal remains scorching hot for a number of rounds equal to the wand wielder’s level. After that, it begins to cool, first to hot (1d4), then warm (no damage), then returning to its normal temperature. ED: d6
  84. The wand belches forth a cloud of sickly colored gas–a green, or a purple. The gas fills a 10x10x10 space per caster level. Anything which breathes the gas (including the caster and their allies) must save versus Poison or die. ED: d4
  85. The wand begins to spray a whispy white mist into the air, filling a 10x10x10′ space per level of the wand wielder. No creature which relies on sight can see more than 5′ in any direction while trapped within this mist. At level 5, at the wand wielder’s option, the mist may begin to emit a buzzing hum which similarly disrupts the sense of any creature that relies on hearing. The caster may turn this on and off at will. At level 10, the caster may also opt to impose an unnatural stillness on the ground and air within the mist, limiting the senses of any creature that relies upon vibration. ED: d12
  86. When cast upon a creature, that creature immediately becomes the target of every piece of random detritus in the environment. Each round, a random piece of junk will fly up and attack to strike at the target. These items make an attack roll with a +1 bonus for every 2 caster levels the wand wielder has. This spell may be more or less effective depending on the environment the characters are in. In a bare room, it will probably not matter at all; whereas in a cluttered workshop it might matter quite a bit. Exactly what objects fly up each round is at the referee’s discretion, but it is recommended that they roll 1d6. On a 1-2, a small item for the environment attacks. On 3-4, a moderately sized item. On 5-6, one of the larger items in the environment attacks. Damage should likewise be determined by the referee, based on what sort of items are available. A pebble, or a coffee cup might do 1d4 damage. A shovel or fist sized stone might deal 1d6. A cooking cauldron or head-sized stone might do 1d8. And so on. The spell lasts for 2 rounds per level of the spellcaster. ED: d6
  87. By pointing this wand at a creature which is not usually capable of speech and uttering the command phrase “Stop mumbling! In [language of choice], please!” the wand wielder grants that creature the ability to speak. This is permanent, and the creature will be able to talk forever after. This does not necessarily mean it will be positively disposed towards the caster, but they may attempt to parley with it as they would with any other creature. ED: d12
  88. When used on a sleeping target, the caster may concoct whatever dreams they desire for that target. In a world of magic and mysticism, many folk take their dreams as serious messages from the beyond, and these will influence their future decisions in ways determined by the referee. Of course, a crafty magician may be able to offer their services as a “dream interpreter” to ensure the intended interpretation. ED: 12
  89. The wand wielder may summon a floating sphere of flesh and bone. The sphere will wait for the caster to designate a target, after which the sphere will move to float near the target. Always careful to stay out of the way, but ready to leap forward if needed. If the target would take damage, the sphere will leap forward, and has a 4-in-6 chance of being able to intercept the hit. Note that in the case of spells which effect a large area, the sphere cannot protect its charge, and will take half or full damage along with their charge, according to their charge’s saving throw. The sphere has 6 hit points per level of the wand wielder. ED: d6
  90. The target of this wand must save versus Devices, or be struck with irrepressible diarrhea. This slows their movement by half, and they can only make attack rolls every other round. Obviously, this makes social situations difficult for the target. ED: d8
  91. By activating this wand, the caster can produce a Summon spell, as presented in the LotFP Rules & Magic book on pages 134-143. You can also use Ramanan Sivaranjan‘s handy Summon Spell Automator. Regardless of method, determine the number of hit dice for the creature by rolling 1d20. When wielding this wand, there is now way for the creature to resist being summoned, and there is no way for the caster to dominate the summoned creature. Further, the caster may cause the summoning to take place anywhere within their line of sight. ED: d2
  92. Sticky goo flies from the tip of the penis wand. The goo covers an area 5’x5’x5′ in size, with an additional 5′ on each dimension for every level of the caster after the first. Creatures trapped within this space are entangled, and cannot move until they manage to break free. This requires 2d4 rounds for human sized creatures, while larger creatures or humans with 18 strength can break free in only 1d4 rounds. Small creatures cannot break free. ED: d8
  93. The target of this wand does not need to breathe, eat, or sleep for the entirety of the spell’s duration. If the wand wielder is above level 6, the target further can survive at any amount of pressure, or lack thereof, and suffers no penalty from heat or cold so long as it is not extreme enough to deal immediate round-by-round damage. If the wand wielder is above level 12, the target similarly becomes immune to falling damage, poisons, and diseases for the spell’s duration. The spell lasts for 1 hour per caster level. ED: d12
  94. The target of this wand is entitled to a save versus Devices. On a failure, their blood has been excited with the desire to leave their body. This desire lasts for 2 rounds per level of the caster. Each wound the target has which would draw blood (such as damage from a bladed or piercing weapon) suddenly becomes a geyser of blood, shooting out with enough force that it only splatters against the ground some 10′ away. Each such geyser causes 1 damage to the target per round. If they die while in this state, their body will be completely drained of blood. ED: d6
  95. For every two levels the wand wielder has, they may make one target invisible for one hour (plus an additional hour after level 3, with new hours every 3rd level). While invisible, characters still produce noise and have physical dimension, and their invisibility will be dispelled automatically if they attack. After level 7, attacking does not automatically dispel invisibility, but instead causes the remaining time of the spell to be reduced by 1d4 turns. ED: d6
  96. The magic user holds the attention of 10 people per level. The magic user must be doing something, such as dancing, singing, or reading the phone book. The spell will not affect people’s opinion of what the magic user is doing, it merely affects their decision to continue looking at it, instead of moving on with their day. Note that this wand’s effect will not hold anyone’s attention if there is obviously something more interesting to pay attention to. An explosion, or a call to arms will break the enchantment. (Although if the wand Wielder is level 8 or higher, they may attempt a save versus Magic. On success, they manage to hold the crowd’s attention). ED: d8
  97. Whomever the wand is used upon may speak and understand every language. Alternatively, the wielder may attempt to use the wand offensively by preventing someone from speaking or understanding a specific language that they already do speak. In this latter case, the target is entitled to a save versus Devices. ED: d12
  98. When cast upon the ground, this spell creates a temporary lodging for the caster. At first it is a simple hut with a door that closes and locks. At level 3 the hut gets slightly larger, and gains some furnishings: a few beds, a table, a lamp. At level 6 the spell summons a fully furnished, 4 room house. At level 9, the house is now 2 stories tall, with 12 rooms. At level 12, the same house comes with a tireless servant who will attend those staying there. The house may continue to become more interesting and grand as the caster gains in levels. ED: d12
  99. A humanoid target must save versus poison, or die. If the wand wielder is above level 3, the round following the target’s death they will tear off all of their skin, and rise as a 1hd skeleton with a 1d6 claw attack in the wand wielder’s service. If the wand wielder is above level 6, the skeletons have 2 hit dice and 2 claw attacks. If the wand wielder is above level 9, the skeletons have 3 hit dice. ED: 1d4
  100. Some creature of greater significance has taken notice of the wizard’s dangled vitality, and has decided to indulge themselves in a peasant’s treat. They take the wizard’s bait outright, and those hit points are permanently lost to the wizard. Their wand gains no function, but by way of payment this greater entity was generous enough to toss a mote of power to the Wizard. What amounted to a few copper pieces to this entity overwhelms the wizard with its power, and they must immediately expel that power by using it to make a Wish.

And there you have it, the second longest post I’ve ever written for Papers & Pencils. (With the longest scheduled in a few weeks time). If you found this post useful, or if you just enjoyed reading it, I’d encourage you to check out my Patreon Campaign. Your support will help me to spend more of my time writing posts like this one. Thank you.

d30 Books you Find in the Wizard’s Study

On January 1st, I had this idea: what if, every day, I posted one entry of a table on twitter? It’s such a minuscule thing that it should be easy to find time for it, and the limitations of twitter would prevent the entries from getting out of hand. The way I figured it, if I kept it up for a month, I could produce a d30 table with barely any effort at all; and by the end of the year I could have 12d30 tables! So every day of this past month, I’ve been tweeting with the hashtag #d30WizardBooks.

  1. “On Navigation of, and the Reliability of Perceptions Within, Non-Euclidean Space”
  2. “Putting out the Fireball: How to Assert Your Will Without Resorting to Evocations”
  3. “Beings of the Outer Planes IX: Demons, Devils, And Determining the Difference.”
  4. “Touring the Imbibularium: A Catalogue of All Known Elixirs, Poultices, Potions, and Tinctures.”
  5. “Dissection or Vivisection: Why the Moral Outcry of Lesser Minds is Stifling Your Mastery of the Cosmos”
  6. “A Hat as Tall as You Deserve: Uses for Extra-Dimensional Spaces in Fashion”
  7. “On the Relative Benefits of Living, Unliving, Monstrous and Constructed Minions”
  8. “Ditching the Love Potion: How to Use Charm Spells to Improve Your Sex Life.”
  9. “Going Where Only Gods Have Been Before: Creating New Life in Your Vats to Improve Your Sex Life.”
  10. “Check Your Beard: A Practical Guide to Avoiding Otherworldly Parasites While Traveling the Cosmos.”
  11. “Free Labor: A Guide to Selecting the Right Candidate for Apprenticeship”
  12. “Rare Spell Components and Where to Find Them.”
  13. “Shaming The Petty Gods Who Scorn You: A Study in Emulating Clerical Magics”
  14. “Correctly Conjugating Conjurations: A Coda for those Circumspect of Catastrophe”
  15. “Accurately Articulating Abjurations: Acquiring an Appropriate Accent”
  16. “How to Make Servitors & Influence People.”
  17. “How to Keep Insects Away from your Apparatuses to Prevent Unwanted Abominations”
  18. “Prolix Prose. Obfuscating Spellcasting Vocalizations by Employing A Needlessly Arcane Lexicon”
  19. “A Brief Study in the Practice of Law for Those Who Intend to Deal with Devils”
  20. “Ditch the Ball! Cubes, Pyramids, Spirals, and Other Amusing Shapes for Flaming Evocation”
  21. “Who Needs Resurrections? 300 Necromancy Spells to Put Clerics to Shame”
  22. “When You’ve got More Spell Slots than Enemies to Crush: 1000 Little Spells to Enhance your Life.”
  23. “Finding your Familiar: Contrasting the Benefits of Ravens, Felines, Toads, Salamanders, and Other Common Choices.”
  24. “When Devils Won’t Deal: How to Trick Celestial Beings”
  25. “Dumbing it Down for the Meat-Shields: A Primer for Engaging in Pleasant Conversation with your Adventuring Companions.”
  26. “Choosing the Material that’s Right for YOUR Golem.”
  27. “Stars, Moons, & Other Shapes That Will Never Go Out of Style”
  28. “Half the Storage Costs, All the Soul: Using Halfling Sacrifices for your Dark Rituals”
  29. “A Practical Guide to Time Manipulation.” Written by: “You, Twenty Years from Now.”
  30. “Dealing with Anti-Magic Fields: Martial Arts for a Wizardly Physique.”

As it turns out, the process is kind of a bummer. Spreading the creative work out over such a large period of time actually made it more difficult to come up with individual table entries. It just took too much time to get into the right headspace each day. Then it was always a struggle to come up with something fresh, without accidentally repeating an idea I’d forgotten about because I wrote it weeks previously. It was also difficult to avoid just making jokes, which is pretty much what I ended up doing.

I’m dubious as to whether I want to continue this project. The first month was certainly a failed experiment in my view, but I do have some thoughts on how to improve the experience. Moving the daily posting over to Google+, where there are more cool people than there are on twitter might help. It could also be fun to just embrace the comedic nature of the thing and go with full-on joke themes in the future.

Anyway, enjoy your bonus post! I’ll get back to discussing Cleric magic on Sunday.

Santicore 2015: Dwarves’ Beards: What are they for?

mybeardDuring last year’s Secret Santicore, I was asked to come up for uses that Dwarves might have for their beards. (Beyond simply being super stylish). Nearly a year after the fact, my entry just popped up on the Santicore blog, and I thought I’d share it here.

Dear Santicore,

Dwarves’ beards: what are they for? A serious question. I would like a table of useful spelunking skills which a dwarf might be trained to accomplish using only their beard. Ideally starting dwarven characters would be able to roll up one bonus skill on it. Thank you!

— F.W.

For centuries, the dwarves of the Copper Keep have practiced the art of Beardcraft. When a young dwarf’s chin hairs first reach 6” (usually around 8 months), they are presented to the Beardmasters. These bearers of beardly secrets study every aspect of the child’s whiskers: from texture, to thickness, to curl, to pull-strength, and even color. From this, they determine which style the child’s beard is best suited to. The process of treating and grooming the beard is begun immediately, and the young dwarf grows up learning how to maintain and style their beard. Only recently has this practice begun to spread out from the Copper Keep, as a new generation of Beardmasters travel to other dwarven strongholds to share their dignified craft.

1. Rope Beard: In a private ritual each nameday, the dwarf carefully trims their beard from everywhere but their chin. This hair is then treated and braided into the chin hair, lengthening it. The resulting rope is 1’ long for every 2 years of the Dwarf’s life. It is normally worn draped around the dwarf’s shoulders like a scarf. It does not count against the dwarf’s encumbrance limit.

2. Food Catching Beard: The dwarf’s whiskers cling to every crumb of bread, string of meat, and dab of sauce that doesn’t make it into the dwarf’s mouth. At the end of the day, a good shake produces a tidy little pile of edibles ready for consumption. Any rations that the the dwarf purchases will last 50% longer than they normally would.

3. Junk Beard: A messy, unkempt kind of beard often adopted by dwarfs who consistently fail to maintain a more refined style. It is used to store a variety of small, occasionally useful doo-dads. By rummaging through their beard for 1 minute, the dwarf has a 2-in- 6 chance of producing any mundane object of small size and negligible value that they’re looking for: a pair of shears, a spool of twine, a chisel, etc.

4. Disarming Beard: A tangled mesh of wiry hair, slightly sticky to the touch, and tough as strands of steel. When the dwarf is the target of a critical fumble, the fumbler must save versus Paralysis or their weapon becomes caught in the dwarf’s beard. With a practiced jerk of the head, the dwarf can easily send the captured weapon flying away, safely out of reach.

5. Grappling Beard: A soft, voluminous beard, woven into dozens of large loops. With a deft tug of the chin, the dwarf can wrap these loops around an opponent and tighten them. Such dwarfs are skilled wrestlers, using their beards to get a grip on arms or necks. The character grapples as though they are one level higher than they are.

6. Climbing Beard: A tightly braided beard, wrapped around the body as a simple harness. Hooks and spikes dangle from strands of hair in easy reach of hands and feet. Dwarfs with such a beard receive +1 to any climbing related checks.

7. Falling Beard: Soft hair woven into a kind of checkerboard quilt shape, adorned with bits of cloth. Often these are scraps of old clothing donated by friends and loved ones. If the dwarf ever falls from a significant height, their beard will open up like a parachute, and the fall should be treated as though it were 10’ shorter than it actually was. If for some reason the dwarf wishes to fall at full speed, they must make a conscious effort to do so by holding their beard down as they fall.

8. Bramble Beard: A massive bristly bush of hair spreading in every direction, leaving only a few facial features visible. Best suited to dwarfs who are short, even by their race’s diminutive standard. By simply squatting down and squinting their eyes, a Bramble Bearded dwarf becomes nearly indistinguishable from a common tumbleweed.

9. Beard of Lights: A curly beard, with dozens of small upturned strands treated with oil and wax. A Beard of Lights is often chosen for those whose beard grows more quickly than is easily manageable. The upturned tips can be lit, and the fully lit beard serves as a light source equivalent to a torch for up to 6 hours a day.

10. Stonesense Beard: Sometimes mistaken for magic, the Stonesense Beard requires a dwarf of extreme patience and focus to master properly. By pressing their face to a stone surface, the Dwarf can slowly wriggle their beard hairs into the imperceptible cracks and channels in the stone by precisely vibrating their body. The process takes an hour of intense concentration before the beard is fully in place. Once the process is complete, the dwarf can feel even the most minute vibrations traveling through the stone. They can describe any room adjacent to the stone surface they’re connected to, including any creatures or treasure within those chambers.

When the dwarf wishes to extract themselves, they may either spend 10 quiet minutes delicately vibrating their body in reverse, or they may simply tear themselves free of the stone, loudly crumbling it, and leaving a crater roughly 3’x3’x1’ in the surface.

11. Nesting Beard: A wispy funnel of a beard, shaped and scented to be an attractive nest for a particular animal. There are four common animals that these beards are typically made for, based on how the dwarf’s own natural musk resonates with the required scent. Roll to determine which creature nests in your beard:

i. A canary. Will usually remain quiet, but will tweet in a wild panic if there is poison gas in the room. These canaries are particularly sensitive, and can even detect poison gasses that have not yet been released into the air.

ii. A squirrel. A helpful creature that will happily retrieve any small, squirrel-sized objects the dwarf can point to within their line of sight.

iii. A carrier pigeon. Can be sent to any location the dwarf has personally visited within 1 week’s travel distance. It takes 1d8 hours for the pigeon to reach its destination, and the same amount of time to return.

iv. A beaver. Can be directed by the dwarf to gnaw small holes in wooden objects, chew through ropes, etc.

12. Smoking Beard: A wild cascade of hair, meticulously groomed to appear untamed and ferocious. The whole thing is oiled and treated with incense. When the tips of the beard are lit they produce very little light, but a great deal of black, foul-smelling smoke. The smoking beard creates a hellish image of the dwarf, and any foe fighting them takes a penalty of one on their morale checks so long as the beard is lit. There is no limit to how often or long the beard may be lit, but there are natural consequences for being the source of so much smoke.

13. Beard Sack: Easily mistaken for any common dwarf beard, the Beard Sack is a layered style, with a loose outer layer obscuring a tightly woven satchel hidden beneath, with its opening just under the dwarf’s chin. This storage space grants one additional point of encumbrance ability for the dwarf, and anything stored within is considered hidden. Only a thorough search will reveal these hidden items. Such a search would be deeply offensive to any dwarf, and in respectable communities such poor treatment by the authorities may cause civil unrest.

14. Poison Straining Beard: Thick whiskers hang down over the dwarf’s lips, treated with cleansing tinctures. The dwarf can sip any substance safely, and determine with a few smacks of their lips whether it is poison or not. If it is poison, the dwarf can describe the poison’s effects in perfect detail.

15. Bestial Kinship Beard: A layered beard, scented with a subtle, gamey musk, and curving back slightly between the knees. Animals perceive the dwarf as a powerful but temperate creature. The dwarf gains a +1 bonus to reaction rolls made with natural creatures.

16. Beard Art: Only the most malleable of beards is suited to beard art. It is a rare gift, much prized by the beardmasters. The hair is treated with gels, and the dwarf is trained in the art of grooming their beard into the most spectacular shapes and sculptures. Such a beard grants a +1 to reaction rolls with anyone who has an appreciation for the finer things.

17. Sifting Beard: A single looping braid, supporting a lattice of sifting strands. The almost impossibly intricate lattice separates objects based on weight and density. It takes 1 minute to sift through a 1’ cube of detritus. The beard will separate the stones from the metals, and the coppers from the gold pieces. The beard must be dry to function properly, and cannot sift through mud or water.

18. Sleeping Beard: The hair is conditioned for maximum softness on one side, and for insulation and water resistance on the other. It can be used as a rudimentary one-dwarf shelter in time of need.

19. Steel Wool Beard: A coarse beard, treated with polishing oils. Any metal treasure with artistic value (such as a fancy sword, jewelry, a gold watch, ancient coins, etc.) has its value increased by 10% after the masterful cleaning and polishing it receives at the hands of a dwarf with a steel wool beard.

20. Utili-Beard: The beard is knotted and tied with four small tools hanging from it. The expert tying of the beard keeps these tools always within arm’s reach, but never in the way. Any one-handed object can be hung from the utili-beard: a hammer, a hacksaw, a sword, etc. The dwarf may switch between these four objects freely, without taking any penalties that might normally be incurred for switching a new object into the character’s hand.

d100 Reasons the Wizard is more than they Seem

Buff WizardThere’s a world of difference between being a mere “Magic User” and being a Wizard. A Magic User has retained their humanity. They’ve learned to force some spells into their brain, but they’ve yet to completely abandon everything of love and decency in the pursuit of greater magical powers.

Being a Wizard takes more than gaining levels in a class. It requires a disregard for decorum, ethics, or even one’s own safety. Any Wizard your party encounters out in the wide world will have the standard accouterments of a Magic User, that is true. But they’ve also made deals with creatures whose mere description could strike a man blind with fear. They’ve subjected their bodies and their souls to experiments no sane person would wish upon their worst enemies. They’ve learned truths mortal man was not meant to know, taken apart their own minds and reassembled them from scratch, and have grown bored with puzzles that lesser men could spend their whole lives deciphering.

There’s more going on there than a d4 hit die and a list of spells.

So if your party encounters a Wizard, roll a few times on this table. Note that all of these are meant to be taken as inherent powers that the Wizard has. Any wizard of such significant experience likely has a number of magical oddments secreted about their person as well.

  1. Phenomenal physical strength. This Wizard can hurl great boulders or punch through stone walls with their bare hands.
  2. This Wizard’s head is bald, and covered with dozens of eyes. Not only can they see in every direction, but each eye can emit a beam of burning light at whatever it looks at, dealing 1d4 damage.
  3. If standing in water of at least waist-depth, the Wizard can suffer no wounds. They draw vitality from the water, and have an effective fast healing of 100.
  4. The Wizard’s arms can stretch out, as though they were made of some elastic material. They can reach up to 100′ away from their bodies, bend their arms in any direction they require, and do not lose any of their strength regardless of how far their arm is from their body.
  5. Rather than carbon monoxide, this Wizard exhales a poison gas to which they are immune. In the open this effect is mild and not worth mentioning. However, if a character is in an enclosed space with the Wizard for longer than 1d4 rounds, they must begin making a save versus Poison each round. Each failure results in a temporary -1d4 to a random ability score.
  6. By manipulating the fabric of time itself, the wizard has managed to create a bubble in which future technology can exist. The Wizard may carry any number of future oddities: a gun, a smartphone, a drone, lightweight bulletproof armor, etc. If the Wizard dies, all this technology will realign with its proper time frame. From our perspective, it will simply disappear.
  7. The Wizard cannot die a natural death, and will live until some mortal harm befalls them. They may now have already lived for centuries, or even millennia.
  8. The blood of the Wizard has been replaced by a pressurized gas that ignites when it contacts the air. Any puncturing or piercing wound against the wizard will result in a gout of flame. A 30′ cone, dealing damage equal to the Wizard’s remaining health to anyone within its area. Save versus Breath for half damage.
  9. The Wizard’s skin cannot be cut by any means, unless they are willing. It may still be bludgeoned, but it will not break. Slashing or piercing weapons deal a greatly reduced amount of damage because of this.
  10. Gravity does not appear to affect this Wizard. They drift, keeping near the ground by a mechanism from which they can easily detach if they wish to float freely. They have become skilled at bouncing off of walls, leaping out of range, and otherwise using this affliction to their best advantage.
  11. After performing more squats than you could ever fathom in a time-stopped pocket dimension, this Wizard can now leap up to 100′ in the air. Regardless of how high they fall from, they will never suffer any damage from a fall. Even if they were to fall from orbit, assuming they had some way of surviving entry through the atmosphere.
  12. The Wizard can cast spells “by ear,” as it were. If they have an empty spell slot of sufficiently high level, and they see a spell cast, then that spell will appear in their empty spell slot. They can cast it as normal, or keep it until later to inscribe into their spellbook without any difficulty.
  13. By looking at a person, this Wizard gains an intimate understanding of that person’s religion, probably knowing even more about it than they do. The Wizard often uses this to impersonate deities and prophets. A few hours after losing sight of a person, knowledge of that person’s religion fades.
  14. The Wizard is accompanied by a (1. Close Friend, 2. Lover, 3. Devoted Vassal, 4. Magically bonded slave) who is a (1. Minotaur, 2.Succubus, 3. Horned Devil, 4. Giant, 5. Dinosaur, 6. Dragon)
  15. The Wizard has absolute mastery-level experience in a completely unrelated career, which they spent decades in prior to pursuing the mystic arts. (1. Sailing, 2. Politics, 3. Fine Arts, 4. Natural Philosophy, 5. History, 6. Engineering, 7. Beast Taming, 8. Metalcrafting)
  16. Sleep is completely unnecessary for this Wizard, and they are filled with a nervous energy that makes even their downtime insanely productive. This has allowed them to train a second class without impacting their Wizardly pursuits. They get all the benefits of their second class, which has roughly half the number of levels that they have in the Magic User class. (1. Cleric 2-3. Fighter 4-5. Specialist 6. Something weird. Like one of the custom classes on this site.)
  17. The Wizard’s speech has a magical charge, making any command they utter have the force of a Command spell.
  18. Magic Missile scrolls are tattooed up and down each of the Wizard’s digits. They are able to cast the spell 10 times per day without expending any of their spell slots on memorizing it.
  19. The Wizard has already undergone 99% of the process required to become a lich. Their phylactery already exists, and the only thing left is for them to die. They’re in no hurry to do it, but when they do die, they’ll just be reborn as a lich.
  20. The Wizard’s beard is not made of normal hair, but of (1. Tentacles, 2. Snakes, 3. Insectile Legs, 4. Ooze, 5. Fire, 6. Prehensile Hair). There are 1d4 tendrils from here which are long enough to make attacks. If the Wizard is of a feminine persuasion, then instead of a beard this effect sprouts from her (1. Underarms, 2. Bush, 3. she just has a beard anyway, 4. She has this instead of boobs) Under no circumstances may head hair be used.
  21. The Wizard is (1. Resistant by half, 2. Immune, 3. Absorbs half, 4. Absorbs fully.) any damage which might reasonably be attributed to (1. Fire, 2. Cold, 3. Acid, 4. Electricity).
  22. By suffusing their body with the ectoplasm of numerous spectral infants, the Wizard is able to turn their body incorporeal at will.
  23. The Wizard’s appearance is fungible. They can alter it to resemble any human they choose, or create an entirely new appearance for themselves out of scratch.
  24. Under numerous aliases, this Wizard controls numerous organizations. Everything from local governments of seemingly unimportant towns, to big city guilds, to organized crime, to mercenary bands.
  25. The Wizard exudes pheromones with similar effect to a Charm Person spell. Anyone who can smell them must save.
  26. From their sleeve the Wizard can pull any nonmagical, nonspecific object that would fit in a sleeve. So for example, they can pull out a watch to check the time, but cannot pull out a magical watch that stops time, or your father’s watch that you just said you’d pay a fortune to have back.
  27. The Wizard has eithera 16′ long prehensile penis that can entangle and compress victims to death; or they have a pair of acid-filled tits which can spray in a 15′ cone at will. Which one the Wizard has is irrespective of their gender.
  28. The pores of the Wizard ooze a kind of gooey oil which makes them incredibly slippery. The Wizard uses this to slid around as though on skates, escape any bonds ever put on them, and to swim with incredible speed.
  29. Environmental concerns are of no concern to this Wizard. They can breathe under water, self-heat themselves in a blizzard, and self-cool themselves inside a volcano. This safety from the elements includes any magically imposed environments, but does not protect them from area of effect spells.
  30. A gem is embeded into the Wizard’s tongue. If they stick out their tongue while standing in a brightly lit area, a prism of color will refract out of the gem. This light eill envelope and contain everything in a 15′ square. The square may be placed anywhere within 20′ of the Wizard’s location.
  31. Any (1-2. Man, 3-4. Woman) encountered by the Wizard will instantly fall in love with them. There is no save involved, and they will wish only good things for the Wizard, seeking their approval. Any creature without gender is immune to this effect.
  32. The secret of human construction is known to the Wizard. Over the course of about a week, they are able to fully construct an adult human from component elements. These humans are independent, but obviously most of them accept that they owe some notable debt to their creator, and choose to serve the Wizard. Several of these will accompany the Wizard.
  33. There are actually 2d2 Wizard’s minds contained within this single body, shared due to some catastrophe while traveling the outer planes. Each of the minds possesses a full spell list, ready to cast. The body can only cast one spell at a time, probably.
  34. The Wizard is able to run as fast as a galloping horse, and never tires of their exertion in this regard.
  35. The Wizard is able to move objects telekinetically, without any limit on how frequently or how long they can do so. They can move up to (1. 10lb, 2-4. 80lb, 5-6. 200lb), (1. Slowly, but with great precision. 2. Slowly and clumsily, 3-5. With great speed, but still clumsily 6. With great speed and precision)
  36. The Wizard’s hands can be detached, and will then animate to act as the Wizard’s servitors, with the ability to fly. New hands will grow on the Wizard’s stumps after about 1 turn. The detached hands will wither and die after 1d6 turns.
  37. The Wizard is possessed of Superman-style Super-Breath. Hurricane force winds as cold as a blizzard. They can do this as often as they’re able to get a really deep, satisfying breath. So, at most, every 2d4 rounds, and never if they’re exhausted from heavy physical activity.
  38. The Wizard has an Omega Gaze. They may use it once per 10 minute turn, and it will follow its target until it strikes them without fail. The beams deal 2d12 damage, but a save versus Device will reduce the damage by half.
  39. A powerful creature owes the Wizard a favor, and will come to their aide when summoned (1. Djinn, 2. Vampire, 3. A titanic intelligent lion 4. An elder dragon.)
  40. Like an ioun stone, a tiny door orbits their bodies. At will they may use their hands to pull the door wide enough to step through. It leads into a pocket dimension where they store numerous weapons and treasures. Many of these can easily be removed merely by reaching into the door while it is in its miniaturized state, so that the Wizard is never truly unarmed.
  41. Stones speak to the Wizard, and respond to his questions. They cannot act on the Wizard’s behalf, but they know much of what happens around them.
  42. The Wizard knows they are in a game, and is annoyed that they’ve accidentally wandered onto the main stage. They know all of the rules of the game, and would like to extricate themselves from the spotlight as soon as possible so they can go back to whatever they do when no one is imagining them. Considers it an insult to speak to characters, and will speak only to players and to the referee directly.
  43. For a brief moment the Wizard achieved godhood a few years ago. They were knocked back down to earth by a pantheon unwilling to accept such a pompous little mortal into their midst; but they retained one minor vestige of their divinity (1. Invulnerability to hit point damage, 2. They know everything that more than five people in the world know. 3. The ability to shape their environment to suit their will 4. The ability to un-make anyone who blasphemes them in their presence.)
  44. This Wizard has already evolved beyond their physical form, but are still muddling about in their physical bodies. Death would release them to achieve some higher form of existence. Flip a coin to determine if the Wizard knows this.
  45. Each time the Wizard says a character’s full name, they gain 1 point of power over that character. This information is kept secret, though players might notice the creepily deliberate way their names are being repeated. At will, the Wizard may activate this power. Each point of power deals 1 point of damage, and if a character is killed in this way, they become an undead servant of the wizard. They fully retain their faculties, but must obey the wizard’s commands as their body slowly rots. The Wizard must know a name before they can speak it, and when spoken, it must be audible to the target in order to count. After a day, if they are unused, points of power fade away.
  46. The Wizard may bilocate. While doing so, they exist fully in two different places at once. If one is destroyed, it does not matter, because the other is no less of the whole. When the two instances of the Wizard come together, they may combine, and thus the single Wizard will have lived a pair of simultaneous experiences.
  47. Fire obeys the Wizard, and will spread in the direction they indicate. It may also take on shapes, flare, smoke, or smoulder at the Wizard’s behest.
  48. The body of the Wizard is like a magical sponge. It draws all mystic energy into itself. While in the presence of this Wizard, no magic items or magic spells will work, save those that the Wizard is channeling their own energies into.
  49. The Wizard is posessed of many of the properties of spiders. They are able to spin webs from their fingertips. climb walls, move with great speed and agility, are much strong than they ought to be, and have incredibly accute senses. This Wizard is spider-man, is what I’m saying.
  50. No creature can bring itself to act violently against the Wizard, for any reason. If the Wizard acts violently first, then whomever in the area has the strongest save versus Magic may attempt a save. If they succeed, then they can act violently, and whomever has the next weakest save versus Magic may attempt a similar save. So on and so forth, until someone fails a save, at which point no one else may attempt one.
  51. This Wizard stands 9′ tall, with the strength and constitution of a weight lifter. They’re an imposing figure, with the maximum hit points that they could possibly have given their level and hit dice.
  52. Anybody with any manner of noble pedigree believes they have fond memories of this Wizard. Upon seeing this Wizard for the first time they will remember when the Wizard used to perform little tricks for them, and when they stood up to an angry parent on the noble child’s behalf. These memories will never fade, and The Wizard finds it quite easy to get any favor they need from the upper classes.
  53. The name of this Wizard is very powerful. They dare never let anyone know it, for if someone knows their name, they become immune to the Wizard’s magic.
  54. This Wizard tricked and slew god’s own messenger. They stole the throat of this semi-divine creature, and now a tinge of blue and white glows beneath the skin of their neck when they speak. Everything they say is completely captivating. Every joke riotously funny, every speech moving, every poem will move an audience to tears. Their words always have the best possible effect that was intended.
  55. They have vision which (1. Freezes people in place, 2. Turns people to stone, 3. Turns people into their mind-slaves 4. Switches souls with the target). The effect can be avoided with a save versus Magic. This ability may be used (1. Every round, 2-3. Every 3rd round, 4-6. 1d6 times per day)
  56. The Wizard’s feet never touch the ground. They fly everywhere effortlessly.
  57. The wizard is able to grow to the size of a titan (20-30′ tall), or to the size of an insect at will.
  58. The Wizard is permanently able to speak with (1. Plants 2. Animals 3. All languages of the common races 4. The dead). To the Wizard, being able to speak to these things has become second nature.
  59. Every race sees the Wizard as a member of their own race. Be they human, house cat, goblin, dragon, giant, or anything else.
  60. This Wizard is able to transform into a (1. Lion, 2. Eagle, 3. Hammerhead Shark 4. Ladybug 5. Iguana 6. King Cobra) at will.
  61. This Wizard can transform into a pool of liquid at will. They can move around so long as they are going downhill, or on a more-or-less even surface. The puddle can also shape itself however it chooses. So it can become a thin strand to slid across a tightrope, so long as that tightrope doesn’t go up.
  62. Wherever they are, the Wizard always seems to have a fine manse just over the horizon. This manse won’t be there unless the Wizard is approaching or occupying it, however. Each manse is different, filled with fine luxuries, accoutrements, and servants, all of which are real and could potentially be removed from the premises before the manse ceases to exist again.
  63. The Wizard can breathe just like a dragon can. Roll to determine the type of dragon their breath emulates: (1. Red, 2. Black, 3. Blue, 4. White, 5. Green, 6. Something really weird).
  64. Each morning the Wizard removes a book from under their pillow. The book is always different, describing whatever new challenges the Wizard may face that day. It does not describe what will happen, only what is in the Wizard’s path. The information in these books looks very much like the referee’s notes, and the character sheets of any characters present at the session.
  65. This Wizard is permanently invisible, and must wear full-body coverings to appear visible.
  66. All (1. Ravens, 2. Frogs, 3. Porcine Creatures, 4. Spiders 5. Human children 6. Moles 7. Chickens 8. Ferrets) will obey the Wizard’s mental commands.
  67. The Wizard may travel up to 2 miles with every step they take if they so wish.
  68. The Wizard’s saliva is a pleasant narcotic. Their body produces it in perfect amounts to keep them high, and if they want they can spare some spit now and again for other people. They are a really, really good kisser.
  69. A serpent of exceeding wisdom lives inside the Wizard’s butt. It tells them things. Amazing things.
  70. The Wizard has a low-level mind read active at all times, allowing them to sense the surface thoughts of everyone around them.
  71. This Wizard has so many kinds of vision up in their eyes. X-Ray vision. Night vision. Far-vision. Micro-vision. So many visions.
  72. This Wizard is currently living through this day for the third time. They can avoid 2d4 mistakes. Anytime the referee feels that the Wizard has made a mistake, they can reverse time to when that mistake was made, and make a different choice.
  73. Randomly determine a member of the party. Secretly, the Wizard is that character’s parent.
  74. If someone looks into the Wizard’s eyes, they are incapable of telling a lie.
  75. The Wizard is an absolute master of seduction, is exceptionally good at sex, and knows how to make just about anybody feel appreciated and respected the morning after as the Wizard takes their leave. There’s nothing magical about this, they’re just a really amazing lay.
  76. The Wizard currently carries a magic item of world-altering significance. The sort of thing that might serve as the Mcguffin for a huge adventure. The Wizard had no plans to use this item today, and may never have intended to use it. They might intend only to study it, or even to destroy it, but if the day goes poorly enough for them…
  77. Accepting employment contracts from this Wizard is a trap. It places the employee under a nearly unbreakable spell of servitude which can only be broken if the Wizard can be tricked into saying  “eleven.”
  78. The Wizard is currently astral-projecting themselves from an unknown location. They’ve been doing so for so long that their spirit has grown a new physical body around itself, and they’ve forgotten where their true body is. If their current body is killed, they will be snapped back to their actual body’s current location. Note that their current body need look nothing like their true body, and they may even be a different age, gender, or species.
  79. At will, the Wizard can place themselves, and anyone within 60′, inside of a pocket dimension. This dimension lasts for as long as anyone is inside of it, and looks exactly like whatever area was in a 60′ radius of the Wizard when the pocket was created.
  80. 10 tiny polyps grow on the Wizard’s body. If cut off and cast to the ground, these instantly grow into naked, burly warriors ready to defend the Wizard with their lives.
  81. The Wizard has adhesive spit. It’s remarkably sticky, instantly hardening, and tough enough to hold the short side of a brick to a wall.
  82. The Wizard has acidic urine. They can only use it if they’ve had enough water, but it’ll melt pretty much anything.
  83. The Wizard has explosive poop. It detonates roughly 20 seconds after it is excreted, and thus must be thrown quickly to avoid self-harm.
  84. The Wizard has a 4-in-6 chance to have the perfect potion for any situation on their belt. These are never general potions, like healing potions or Giant’s Growth potions. These are bizarrely specific. Stuff like “Potion of Manacle Breaking,” “Tincture of odorless farts,”
    and “Shark repellent.”
  85. This Wizard has business cards which they hand out to everyone they meet. If anything interesting is said within “earshot” of the card, it appears in a little notebook the Wizard carries, which they read through each morning over coffee.
  86. A large portion of this Wizard’s brain has been replaced with a crystalline structure from another world. The crystals are hyper-logical, and view the world through a vastly different lens. The Wizard themselves still displays emotion, as their brain is not completely gone, but the crystals provide them with lightning-fast thinking when processing logic or mathematics, as well as a perfect photographic memory.
  87. The Wizard has fused themselves with a water elemental. Their body appears just like any normal example of their race, but objects pass harmlessly through it, leaving only ripples behind. They may move and act with all of the abilities you would expect from a water elemental.
  88. With a wave of the hand this Wizard may reinvigorate the life in items made from wood. Any within his presence will begin to grow branches and sprout leaves, becoming unsuitable for whatever purpose they originally had. The Wizard’s own equipment is made of metal, bone, ceramic, etc so as to avoid this becoming an issue.
  89. This Wizard cannot be affected by foreign substances. Poisons have no impact, but neither do intoxicants. The Wizard was quite fond of a night of boozy revelry prior to this alteration, and views it as a poor trade.
  90. The wizard has rearranged their own internal anatomy. They are immune to critical hits, sneak attacks, and any form of non-magical medicine.
  91. Whoever kills this Wizard is actually the one who dies, for when this Wizard is killed, their mind transfers into the body of their killer. The only thing this Wizard really fears is death by accident or old age.
  92. If this wizard touches you, your skin will display a black spot. Anyone who sees this spot will know you are marked for death and that no one can be prosecuted for killing you. No judge will convict them, and indeed, they will be entitled to all of your property for doing the world a favor by getting rid of you.
  93. At will, this Wizard may ignite their index finger as if it were a sparkler. They can then write and draw in mid air, and the images will not disappear until they snap their fingers.
  94. The fey folk once danced for weeks while this Wizard played a jig on the pipes which nearly exhausted them to the point of death. But the fey were satisfied, and as a gift they gave the Wizard tremendous luck. Any rolls made in relation to the Wizard must be rolled twice, and the result more beneficial to the Wizard is taken. This goes for attack and damage rolls made by OR against the Wizard, as well as rolls on random tables, ability or skill checks, and any other kind of roll that might occur.
  95. Any body of drinking water which touches this Wizard’s lips is turned to a sweet wine.
  96. Any damage dealt to this Wizard by the direct action of an individual is also dealt to that individual. So if you deal 4 points of damage by stabbing this Wizard, you take 4 points of stabbing damage yourself. If, on the other hand, you tie the Wizard to a chair inside of a building, and then light the building on fire, you will take no damage. Just don’t be dumb and push the wizard into the fire once it’s started blazing.
  97. This Wizard can control the weather with simple gestures of their hands, guiding the wind to blow in a given direction with a given amount of force, calling down rain or hail, and even bolts of lightning once a storm has really gotten going.
  98. This Wizard eight long tentacular arms, ending in normal human hands, growing from their back parallel to their spine.
  99. The Wizard has partially fused themselves with a creature they were experimenting on. They’ve taken on some of the physical attributes of this creature, as well as gained some of its talents. (1. Hare, 2. Tortoise, 3. Falcon, 4. Bear, 5. Dog, 6. Iguana.)
  100. The Wizard “bounces” as if they are made of rubber in a cartoon. Weapons bounce off of them, they can shoot themselves high into the sky by “cannon balling” at the ground. A fall can never hurt them. They can even attack and deal serious damage by bouncing themselves at an enemy.
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