Category Archives: Tables & Miscallaneous

Fuck the King of Space: Player’s Guide

Fuck the King of SpaceHave I ever mentioned that I wrote a miniature RPG book to help me run On a Red World Alone? It’s not the prettiest thing in the world, but it’s a good 25 pages of setting information and rules that I’ve slowly patched together over the two years that I’ve been running the campaign. I’ve kept it private, because it was never meant to be anything other than a personal reference document. Who would be interested in that?

Well, based on the number of people who read ORWA’s play reports, far more people are interested than I might have suspected. And now that I’m starting up a new campaign, it seems like a good time to also start being more open about some of this behind-the-scenes stuff.

So, if you’re interested, here is the 21 page player’s guide for Fuck the King of Space. I’m taking this new campaign as an opportunity to implement a lot of shit I’ve been thinking about, much of which I’ve talked about on the blog before. The document is less interesting for its novelty than it is for taking a lot of my ideas, and putting them together into a (hopefully) coherent whole. Though, there is some new stuff in there, and almost all of the old stuff has been streamlined or revised.

There’s also a lot missing, and that’s another reason I never shared the ORWA Player’s Guide. These are living documents, updated and changed as the game evolves. If this sparks any interest at all, I’ll be sure to keep the blog updated with newer versions as I write them. (Though, future updates will be announced as bonus posts, instead of serving as the main weekly post.)


Fuck The King of Space Player’s Guide v0.1


d100 Unusual Shops in Town

Sure, every town has a tavern, and, like…a general store. But when your players enter a new town, and you tell them what they see, there should be something in there to pique their interest. Something that will make them look up from their phones and dice towers and say “Lets check that out!”

Some of these will have negligible in game consequences. Others are potentially campaign destroyers. Price things accordingly for your game world.

This post was suggested to me by Ms. Umquat, one of my Patrons.

  1. A pixie blacksmith. Excels in making small objects, and doing fine detail work, but has difficulty making anything larger than a few inches in size. Refuses to collaborate on work with a human (or other “normal” sized) smith. She believes it demeans her craft.
  2. A flubbertorium, where a madwoman won’t stop creating jar after jar of a strange elastic gelatin. The stuff is unnaturally bouncy. Once it gets going, it will absorb heat-energy from surfaces it collides with to actually increase the force of its next bounce. The nameless madwoman refuses to sell or use any of the jars, despite everything clearly being arranged as if this were a shop. She swears that her purple goo is a sentient creature, and that selling it would be slavery. There is no evidence this is true.
  3. A luxury commode, where customers pay at the door in order to experience the most pleasurable excretions of their lives. There are fountains, attendants, hot towels, cushioned seats, and anything else that will make your pooping, peeing, menstruating, or other excretive activity a true joy.
  4. You do not have to walk first down the dark corridors of a forgotten castle! You are entitled to refuse any request that you be the first to touch a mysterious artifact discovered in the temple of a dark god! Nobody can make you carry an undue amount of weight relative to your companions, nor can they retaliate against you in any way for dropping heavy bags or items while fleeing for your life. If these principals sound like pipe dreams to you, they are not! Collectively, adventurer hirelings are powerful! Collectively, we can negotiate for better working conditions from our employers! Join Local Hirelings 116!
  5. An armor customization shop. They specialize in making plate armor look wicked awesome, but they also provide services for wearers of chain or leather armors. Basic colors and decals are the cheapest, but they can do chrome or silver plating, fancy engravings, or anything else a badass adventurer might be lookin’ for.
  6. Chit Chit’s Taxidermy. The owner of the shop, a teenaged boy named Chit Chit, used to be a squirrel. A drunk wizard turned him into a human, and for whatever reason, he immediately opened a taxidermy shop. He’s very open about his origins, and not particularly intelligent. He doesn’t find it strange at all that his shop is filled with several dozen taxidermied squirrels. After all, he is human now, why should the lives of squirrels mean anything special to him?
  7. Weathercrafter. For a substantial fee, people can pay to make sure the weather on a given day will be appropriate to their needs. Obviously, by the time the players arrive, many days will already be taken by other customers. The further in advance you want to schedule your weather, the more likely you’ll be the first to request that particular day. The weathercrafters themselves are happy to let you know which days are available, but, if you want to know what specific weather they have scheduled, you’ll need to purchase the most recent updates to their almanac. 
  8. A skeleton leatherworker. She’ll take any skins you bring her, and turn them into good quality leather. She can even produce a wide variety of leather goods: saddles, armors, purses, you name it. She just really misses having skin, and appreciates the opportunity to handle skin again, even if it’s not her own.
  9. The local franchise of Bad Cemetery. For a fee, bodies may be buried here, and during the next gibbous moon, they will rise from the grave as an undead creature. The resulting zombie will retain only a small fraction of its intelligence, but enough to communicate verbally in very basic terms. Its body will be decomposed to the point that it isn’t useful for anything but the most clumsy labor, and it will obviously be rotted beyond the point of fooling anyone into thinking it’s a living creature. Any zombies not picked up within 3 days of resurrection will be donated to the cleric school, to serve for turning practice.
  10. The Hapless Players are a band of actors, musicians, and playwrights, who have a stage space here in town. They specialize in custom performances. For a reasonable fee, they will listen to a story you tell them, then write a play based on it, practice said play, and be ready to put on a public performance within 1 week. Of course, they keep any money from ticket sales, but you get the satisfaction of having your story disseminated to the masses by professionals. Very popular with self-aggrandizing politicians, and the dilletantic rich.
  11. A recruitment center for an ecological terrorist organization named TSUNAMI. TSUNAMI believes that domesticated animals, like cows and horses, are polluting the world with their endless farting. It wasn’t a problem back in the day, but since humans domesticated them and put them all into the same areas, the effect has become more concentrated, and it’s killing the planet we all live on.
  12. Beauty Crafters is a little shop run by a very large wizard. They specialize in crafting illusions that make their customers appear to be significantly more attractive. Creating disguises is strictly against their code of ethics here, all they do is take what you look like, and give you a much better version of that. The illusions themselves begin to degrade after about a day, with features becoming fuzzy or droopy, and finally failing completely after about a week. Prices are very reasonable, and they rely on repeat business.
  13. The Otherworld Nursery is owned and operated by a strange woman named Luznk. She appears to be human, but her eyes are spaced just a little further apart than is natural. Her hair is an airy blue color, and she only has four digits on each hand. Luznk is from an alternate version of our own world, where everything evolved a little differently. She keeps it on the downlow, but at this point it’s basically an open secret around town. All of the plants she sells are from her reality. They’re similar to our own plants, but all are just a little bit unusual. It’s unclear how she got here, or how she gets new stock.
  14. Arthur Bursley provides a humiliating final option for centaurs desperate to make some cash: provide centaur rides to humans. There’s a small track for children to ride on, while adults are able to rent a centaur to ride wherever they want, so long as they return within a set amount of time. Centaur society at large finds the existence of this practice despicable, and constantly endeavors to shut it down, without any success.
  15. A monster trophy shop, where the taxidermied heads of horrible creatures can be purchased by cowards who want to brag about thrilling adventures, without actually going on any. Actual adventurers can make a little extra scratch here by selling the the heads of terrible monsters they’ve killed.
  16. A brightly lit marble building, reminiscent of a museum, where experts perform impressive sexual feats. Onlookers may wander from room to room freely, and around the different performers to study their bodies and techniques. After each performance, the sexual experts will answer questions about how or why they did things the way they did, and how others could achieve a similar style.
  17. A mysterious shop, where customers must pay good money to enter a little white room with two doors, two chairs, and a table. They are instructed, in no uncertain terms, not to open the other door. Within an hour of being in the room, the opposite door will open, and the customer will see themselves enter through it. Not quite themselves, though. It is a version of them from an alternate reality. The two can sit and talk for as long as they like. Once either leaves the room, the session is over, and the customer would need to pay again. Under no circumstances may either version visit the other’s reality. The meeting room is specially situated so as to avoid reality paradox. Because there are infinite realities, it is unlikely that you will ever meet the same version of yourself twice.
  18. Adventuring Workshop. Ever wonder what the best way to mod a 10′ pole is? How long should you listen at a door before opening it? Which side of the sword is the one that kills people? Adventurers of any experience level can learn all this, and more! A good way for referees to impart advice about effective play to their group, without being overbearing about it.
  19. Count Galzag may be a vampire, but the town has banded together to insist he stop feeding on the unwilling. In response, he has designed a blood extracting apparatus, and pays cash for each jar of blood a person will allow him to extract. The exact payment is based on blood type, and the overall health of the donor.
  20. Being an adventurer is dangerous work, and you don’t want to leave your loved ones with a burden if you die. Necromatic Life Insurance has you covered. Here’s how it works: we implant a shard of The Hellstone just beneath your skin. (Which may cause a small burning sensation in a church, but nothing to be concerned about). In the unfortunate event of your untimely demise, the stone will temporarily animate your corpse, which will return here to us for use in necromantic rituals too horrible to be legally included in our advertising. In exchange, your family (or a beneficiary of your choosing) will receive a full cash payout to assist them in building a monument to your greatness, getting revenge on your murderers, or simply assuaging their grief with decadent luxuries! (Note: in the event of incineration, disintegration, or other deaths which may destroy the body, Necromatic Life Insurance would instead gain legal claim to your soul.)
  21. When some asshole lays a wicked burn down on you, the shock of it may prevent you from coming up with any really good comebacks until it’s too late. Fortunately, the mistress of insults herself has got your back. For a modest fee, Umquat will extract one of the worms she gestates inside her brain, and allow it to crawl inside your own ear. Anytime you’re faced with a situation where a really good comeback is needed, the worm will be there to provide a constant stream of clever, unique insults. It’s almost as good as having Umquat herself right there with you!
  22. Do you need to get from point A to B in a more timely fashion than you do now? Do you have problems with people from outside where you live, trying to get into the place where you live? Do your feet hurt from walking so far to get water each day? Then it sounds like you need a road, wall, or aqueduct. For this, and many other needs, visit Umquat’s Discount Infrastructure today! We will get the job done on any budget, within any time frame.
  23. The Minotaur ballet.
  24. Everybody has bad days, but not everybody has to live with it. If you’ve got the gold, we’ve got the power to send you back to the start of today, so you can fix what went wrong, or just enjoy everything that went right all over again. Just make sure to pay us as soon as you get back to the past. We’ll know if you’ve used our services and failed to pay for them.
  25. You live a busy professional life! Ancient tombs and forgotten dimensions don’t plunder themselves after all. But what are you supposed to do with your adorable little crotch goblin while you’re out killing the normal kind of goblin? Three of your compatriots have got themselves incinerated, eaten, and un-made in the last month alone. That’s not what I’d call a child-friendly environment! Never you fear, though, Auntey Annabelle’s Daycare caters specifically to the adventurer lifestyle. We understand you may be gone for days at a time, or may not return at all, and can make accommodations for any such eventuality. And if you die, we certainly will not sell your child into slavery. Why would we do that? The pile of gold the underthings would give us for fresh human babies isn’t THAT big!
  26. In the center of town is a large bulletin board, with tons of little subsections taped out on it for specific interests. People post all manner of things up on the board, from little details about their daily lives, to jokes, to angry political rants. Many folks in town pay a fee to be informed of any changes made by someone on their list of friends, so they can keep up with their pals. It’s all very complicated.
  27. If you’re feelin’ lonely / because you are homely / or you drove your friends away / Just come and see Ashley / and as quick as a flash-ly / she’ll make you a new friend TODAY! (Ashley’s Intellification Services will turn any boring old item you’ve got into an Intelligent item. It won’t have any special powers, but it’ll be nice to have someone to talk to!) So come right down / to our part of town / this is not the time to delay! / Bring your pet rock / Or just a fuckin’ sock / we’ll give it life right AWAY!
  28. You need corpses for purposes, nefarious or otherwise? Well I gots corpses and I don’t ask no questions. Just swing by the graveyard sometime between 1 and 4 am. Bring money, don’t bring no cops.
  29. People like Toby the Town Crier. In uncertain times, he delivers news people can trust. And don’t you want a piece of that trust? For a modest fee, Toby is willing to produce what he likes to call “sponsored cries.” You give Toby a subject you’d like people to know about, and Toby uses his skills as a crier to make sure that happens.
  30. Laria Mae is a reverse mermaid. She has the lower torso of a woman, and the upper torso of a fish. She wears a helmet filled with water so she can breathe on land. She has an office in town, where she works as a private investigator. She’s very good, but few people will hire her, because they think she’s weird.
  31. Lets talk about magic items. I’m talkin’ about your flaming swords, your boots of swiftness, your rings of invisibility! Why wait until you’re rich, or until you get lucky and pull one out of a chest in some dungeon somewhere? The better way is R.T.O.: Rent To Own! And if you can’t keep up with the weekly payments, well…just make sure you don’t have that problem. It usually ends poorly. 
  32. Is you tiny human with no big humans that love them? Are you big human, who know a tiny human like this? All such tiny humans should live in Gobbo House! Gobbo House is a place for tiny humans, or human like creatures, to be taken care of by goblins who will love them! Goblins like teach tiny humans about goblin life, and goblin activities! So come, tiny, lonely humans, come to live in Gobbo House, where everyone is green on the inside!
  33. Hey, listen, you need a kid for somethin? I don’t care what it is, you can put em’ to work in a mine, beat em’, eat em’, or hell, even love and raise them like your own. I run an orphanage, see? The cute ones get picked up eventually, but the uggos…well…lets just say I need to be creative about how I move them into ‘new families,’ and once they’re out of my care, what happens to them ain’t none of my business.
  34. Tours of a haunted house. Like…a real haunted house. For really reals.
  35. I’ll cut through the bullshit: adventuring is risky work, the rewards are high, but it’s a dangerous game. It can be a lot less dangerous if you go in with the proper gear and support, but who has the money for that kinda thing? The answer is that I do. I have the money. And in exchange for a little (a lot) of the wealth you bring back, and a little (a lot) say how you guys run your operation, I’ll put up the funds to get your whole group outfitted right off the bat. I call it Adventure Capitalism, and I think yous and I can make a lot of moolah together.
  36. We’ve all done bad things. Things we regret. Things we wish we could take back, but can’t. Or can we? At the Official Office of New Identities, your past can be legally expunged from having any association with you. The person you were is marked “missing,” and the new person you’ve become gets to start life with a clean slate. So what are you waiting for? The fees are small, but the lines can get pretty long, so come in right away, before you get in trouble for whatever it is you did.
  37. A play-dungeon gambling house. People pay 100sp to get in, and hope they can loot more than 100sp and make it out without being tagged by any of the (non lethal) traps or monsters they’ll encounter within.
  38. Secrets of the Deep Forest is your one-stop-shop for all the hottest trends coming out of the Elven Lands. Owned and operated by actual half elves who will be happy to converse with you in whatever broken form of almost-Elvish you want to speak. Just in stock is Covenant: Archmagic Rising, the card game that the Elves just can’t get enough of. With cards newly translated into the human languages, now you can play too!
  39. The Seamen’s Delight is ready to fulfill your wildest fantasies with our bevvy of lusty mermaids, eager to experience the love that only a man of the land can give them. (No refunds to those who realize too late the harsh realities of trying to have sex with a woman who has the lower torso of a fish).
  40. Humans–have you ever been jealous of dwarf’s beard? Have you ever looked at the perfect braids and curls, the silky smoothness of the face hair, or the clever functions dwarf beards are often good for? Well put your jealousy aside and visit Crazy Curlog’s Dwarven Beardgroomery! Curlog himself is a master groomsmith, breaking the most sacred traditions of his people by servicing non-dwarves with his craft! It’s once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so come on down! (Any dwarven PCs should be informed that they are literally incapable of visiting this place, as it is so offensive to their sensibilities).
  41. The Played Players have their own little theatre in town here. Their schtick is that they arrange a number of sets on ropes, so the environment can be changed with a quick close of the curtains. Each performance starts with a brief introduction to establish the setting and stakes of the story, after which the play’s protagonist will act according to the will of the audience. Whatever command seems to be agreed upon by most will be performed, and the other actors will react according to whatever character they inhabit. Sometimes the protagonist wins, sometimes they die, but it’s always entertaining.
  42. Listen, the king? The king doesn’t care about your interests. The king doesn’t care about anybody but himself and his friends. And why should he? He’s never once had to go through an election. It’s undemocratic is what it is! Come on into our recruiting house, and join the democratic democrats, so we can finally vote this nonsensical monarchist out of power.
  43. Every prophecy is 1 part foresight, three parts open-ended wiggle room. It’s all about the phrasing. So if you’re looking to predestine some particular event, just swing on by Carla’s Prophecies Plus. We’ll work with you to tailor a prophecy that fits your future needs, and disseminate said prophecy to the various oracles and fortune tellers of the land to make sure everybody knows that whatever business you got is inevitable.
  44. Mr. Sanchez is writing a bestiary, to aide travelers in avoiding and defeating any dangerous creatures they come across. He’s set up a shop in town, and will pay good money for verifiable information about monsters. He’s no slouch in his research, though. If you bring him wild tales without any proof, he’s not gonna pay you anything.
  45. Hello, my name is Janet, and as you can see, I am a bird woman. I have the wings and beak of a bird, but the arms and legs of a human. But, enough about me, let us talk about you, a human is is not half anything else. Particularly, you are not half anything that can fly, and this makes me sad for you. Flying is the best thing, and it is sad that humans cannot do it. To help you feel better about what must be very pathetic lives, I have dedicated myself to making kites, which you may fly in the wind, and try to imagine what it must be like to be a freer, more highly developed form of life. Perhaps, in this small way, I can help alleviate the constant depression you all no doubt suffer under.
  46. Matilda the Magician has a little shop, with sign spinners in animal costumes outside. If you can provide her with a sample of an animal, she will transform you into that animal (killing the sample in the process). The more you pay, the longer the form will last. If you return to her shop in animal form, she will undo the transformation for you, but you will incur an early termination fee.
  47. For a premium fee, people can visit this shop to receive advice from a fortune teller about some specific item they should make sure to carry on their person. The item is never anything too unusual or expensive, it’ll be something like a hammer, or a fishing line. Whatever it is, the player character knows, but the player themselves does not. Instead, the PC has a sort of “quantum item” in their inventory. Whenever the player wants, they can actualize the quantum item by announcing what they pull out of their bag. In the reality of the game world, the character has suddenly realized that THIS must be the situation the fortune teller predicted when they told them to carry…whatever it is that they’ve been carrying.
  48. Every business is a volume business, and wine is no different. You make more, you sell more, you get more money. Sasquatch Pigeage understands that. You don’t need tiny-footed lollygaggers stomping your grapes at a snail’s pace, when you could have literal bigfoots getting your harvest flowing into those bottles, and out to your customers pronto. But speed isn’t the only benefit of using our services. We Sasquatches have carefully cultivated a unique foot fungus, which pairs excellently with wine, and will enhance the flavor of any bottle you cork with us. 
  49. Klex’kilistew is a the giant spider you need to get your construction or hunting project moving in the right direction. With my rapid and highly accurate web spinning abilities, I can get a basic lattice structure up in mere hours. Once in place, stacking your petty human construction materials becomes a breeze, and once the job is done, my webbing will dissolve naturally. No tricky cleanup! I’m also available to hunters. It may seem a little excessive, but if you can drive even one herd of animals into the web I spin for you, you’ll have meat enough to fill your tiny stomachs for a year!
  50. Are you a creepy-ass religious guy who cares a weird amount about whether or not somebody is a virgin? Hey there, I’m Younai the Unicorn, and I’m willing to share my innate virgin detecting senses with you! One look at a woman, and I’ll know if she’s a virgin or not. I don’t know why you care, and I seriously don’t want to know. Please, do not try and tell me why it’s important to you, all it does is make me more sad that this is the only way I could find to pay the bills. So come on down, or, be a decent person, whichever one.
  51. Are you feeling a little more chaotic than you used to? Does Evil no longer offer that same thrill it once did? We think of alignment as a strict 9-point grid, but it’s a tricky thing, constantly evolving over time as we grow and change throughout our lives. If these or similar concerns sound like something you’ve experienced, schedule an appointment with an Alignment Therapist today. We’re not here to fix you, just to help you understand where you want to fit.
  52. A hair salon, owned and operated by a medusa. She has a great passion for the craft, and is deeply jealous of people with actual hair. She keeps her own bundle of snake hair wrapped up in a colorful cloth bundle. She’s not trying to hide what she is (that would be impossible. The bundle on her head is constantly moving). She merely doesn’t like the way her snake hair is constantly getting in her way and biting at things.
  53. The office of D. Minstrel & Son, where folks can describe their feats of derring do to a talented, expert bard. Once an appropriate fee has been remitted (and the process does their due diligence verifying the rough outline of your claims), a tavern song will be composed extolling you for whatever it is that you’ve done.  The song will then be given to one of the office’s traveling agents, who will make sure to sing it at least once at every tavern they visit. A typical contract lasts about six months, though longer contracts are available. (Though, be aware, if you overdo it, there may be a backlash).
  54. A. Mueller-Finch Image Consulting is a firm that specializes in public relations for adventurers. Particularly those with some particular scandal plaguing their reputations. They help wizards who were a little too liberal with their fireballs, fighters who have had one too many squires die while plumbing a dungeon’s depths, and others who have fallen victim to the common folk’s lack of patience for the broken eggs that tend to occur when you’re making an omelette.
  55. The town rec center, which offers all sorts of classes, activities, and sports to join! They’ve got everything from Negotiating with Dragons 101, to traditional halfling toe wars, to competitive labyrinth traversing (taught by a real minotaur), and basketball. And the best part is that it’s subsidized by the local parks budget, so the costs are very affordable.
  56. The gallery of Vau, renowned elven papercraft artist. The delicate folding of paper is a much more developed artform among the elves than it is among humans. They’re obsessed with delicate, ephemeral art. It’s a sharp contrast with more traditional Elven art, and has been in vogue for several hundreds of years now. Vau will happily part with any of her pieces to anyone who can afford her hefty sum.
  57. Sutherland’s Costume Shop is filled wall-to-wall with masks for every creature in the monster manual. For an additional fee, Sutherland himself will enchant the mask, so that wearing it creates the illusion that the wearer actually is associated creature. Rentals are for 3 days. Masks kept beyond this point grow bodies and demand a late fee from the renter, before walking themselves back to the shop. If necessary, they will extract their fee with violence.
  58. Mordenkainen’s Marvelous Marvels is the melodramatic name of a fairly standard Fireworks shop. Mordenkainen himself doesn’t even have anything to do with the place. The owner just hopes that his little shop will go unnoticed by the great wizard. The name really does get a lot of business in the door.
  59. Dinkie Rizzle’s Dinky Gifts is a store that sells novelty adventuring gear. The sort of stuff that sounds like a good idea, and might even be a good idea if someone put the effort in, but is slapped together so hastily, with so little thought, that it’s little more than junk. There’s stuff like wrist bands to prevent your sword from flying out of your hand, a wheel and crank for re-spooling rope, and a hip-holster that holds up to 8 iron spikes! Of course, here they only sell in bulk. If you want to purchase, you’ll need to find one of their many Dinky Entrepenuers, who sell this stuff at Rizzle parties. And, of course, if you’re interested in becoming an entrepreneur yourself, they’d be happy to set you up with a license, and a stock discount. But you know, the real money isn’t in selling this stuff yourself. All you gotta do is sign up 5 friends, and then they sign up five friends, and…
  60. Roland Muke, Adventurer DDS, got very bored with his standard dental practice. Just making people’s teeth work the way “god intended” was fucking boring. That’s not why he got into the dentistry game! He got into it to BE a god! If you’ll let him work on your teeth, he’ll do something truly spectacular with them! Like give you razor teeth that grant a bite attack, or teeth with secret compartments in them, or teeth that can inject poison, or some other kinda crazy teeth that he hasn’t even thought up yet.
  61. You have thing inside another thing? You want get thing out, but lock is hold it close? Maybe you don’t know what inside? Me Gurlak Skulleater, mighty troll. Me very good with little metal sticks, make open locks! You bring me gold, me open your locks! You need no question ask? No problem! Me no care about puny human shit. You come see me. Me open locks, make you happy, for gold.
  62. Eternal Elegance is a party planning service, run by elves. They require their services to be scheduled no less than 18 months in advance, so they have an appropriate amount of time to understand the subtle nuances of your party before they even begin to plan it. Say what you will, they’re actually pretty good at what they do. You might expect an elven party planned for a year and a half to be a stiff, dry affair, but they really do take the time to understand what sort of party you want, and they deliver the best danged parties you’ve ever attended. 
  63. Do you like games? Is fun your idea of a good time? Do you love to be surrounded by blinking lights and loud noises? Whether you said ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ you should come on down to Don Harper’s Play Place! We got every type of fun you could ever want, with a fully stocked arcade and carnival games section! Win prizes! Eat pizza! Get indoctrinated into our evil sex cult! Throw a skeeball! Get a drink at our water fountain! What’s that? No, I didn’t say anything about a cult. What are you talking about? Don Harper’s Playplace is a all about good times and fun, and definitely not a secret front for recruiting vulnerable young people into an evil cult. That would be crazy!
  64. A crudely made food stand, where a group of orcs are peddling their native foods. Almost all of it is meat based, though there are some intensely pungent fruits on offer as well.
  65. A shop for fine ogre toe cheeses, harvested from fair trade, free range ogres, and aged to succulent perfection.
  66. C. Baker & Co. is a candle shop. The owner, a man named Butch, claims to be the distant descendant of a Prometheus, the firebringer, though more likely he’s just a magic user with a peculiar talent. All of his candles emanate some minor magical effect while they’re lit. One reduces the chances a foe will be encountered, another increases it. Some of the more expensive candles provide a gentle healing effect to everyone within the range of its illumination, or create an atmosphere of sexual arousal, while some of the cheaper ones provide some nebulous benefit like “luck.”
  67. Adventuring can wreak havoc on your love life! Sure it’s nice going from town to town, saving everyone’s lives, and drowning in gratitude sex for a few days afterwords, but after awhile that kind of brief encounter loses its luster. You want to look for someone you can come home to whenever your party passes through town. Someone you can start a family with. Someone who won’t mind that you’re away most of the year, and work in a profession that is both lucrative, and highly dangerous. Just fill out a profile, meet with one of our qualified professionals, and we can get you a date tonight with someone well suited to your wants and needs.
  68. Tanner is the chillest dude there is. People are constantly coming into his shop with hides for him to tan, because his sign says “Tanner’s” out front. But hey, it’s no big deal, and he doesn’t want to shame anybody for making a simple mistake. So, whenever it happens, he just takes the hides down the street to the local tannery, pays to have them tanned, and brings them back to his shop so the person can pick them up. Tanner’s is actually a vegan restaurant.
  69. Listen: the life of an adventurer isn’t easy. Who has time to clean all that blood and guts off your weapons and clothings when you’re too busy carrying armfuls of gold!? Worse yet, what happens when you encounter an adventuring opportunity in civilized lands, and wind up getting blood all over your neighbor’s carpet, or breaking the bishop’s favorite stained class window? That’s what Carl’s Cleaning is here for! We’ll lighten your gold burden just a bit, and take the grisly aftermath of your wanton violence, and make everything sparkle like new!
  70. Whenever you tell your kid to hold a torch for you, the dang brat is always gettin’ distracted. They move their arm around, lean up against the wagon, complain that their arms are getting tired, and in general provide a terrible source of light. Who has time for that noise? That’s why you should visit Ted’s Terrific Torchbearers. Our highly qualified staff are the best there is at holding a light source to provide maximum illumination on whatever it is you need to be lookin’ at. We also offer special insurance for anyone who wishes to take our torchbearers into dangerous situations, so there will be no hidden fees if all you can return to us is a jar filled with goo that used to be an employee. So come on down!
  71. An exotic butcher who sells human meat. Nobody knows how he gets away with it, but nobody ever hassles him about it. People don’t even grumble to one another in taverns about how they’d like to get rid of that shop. You might suspect that folks were afraid of becoming his next cutlet of meat, but nobody ever really goes missing under mysterious circumstances. So wherever he gets his meat, it isn’t here. The butcher also buys weird monster meat from adventurers, as it’s always nice to have some exotics to sell.
  72. A baker who specializes in cakes for people to pop out of at parties. As you might suspect, this is a pretty limited niche to base a business on, and she’s burning through her savings in a reckless bid to keep the business afloat. Her most recent idea is to try and market her cakes to adventurers, as a method of carrying out a sneak attack. “Nobody will suspect a cake!” is her slogan.
  73. A wagon wheel customizer. Has all sorts of affectations he can install on wheels: lights, decals, spinners, spikes, the list goes on! A big sign on his counter reads “NO discount for chariots.” It is unclear why that is the case, but he insists that they’re “just as much work.”
  74. Dave McDanger (totally his real name) sells badass weapons. And when I say “badass,” I mean the sort of shit they sell in middle-American malls, to kids will use them to pose for awkward photographs in their parent’s back yard. You know the type: knives with random curves and spikes and points, invariably engraved with some lame dragon or spider. The one thing that makes Dave McDanger’s weapons different, though, is that Dave pays good money to have each of the weapons in his stock enchanted, so that they’re just as functional as a normal weapon of their type would be.
  75. A shop which sells bait of specific monsters. Want to wrangle a wight? Hunt some harpies? Capture a cockatrice? Kill a Kobold, or even Trap the Tarrasque? Whatever it is, they’ve got the bait you’re looking for.
  76. An information booth, for tourists, funded by the local lord. Employees are just on the creepy side of friendly, but are surprisingly knowledgeable about the area. They’re super forthcoming about stuff like the dark origins of local legends, the history of forbidden places, and generally any information you’d normally get from a reticent old man.
  77. A young alchemist who has developed a fantastically effective hair gel, and has built a business around it. Her salon focuses on producing the most dramatic hair styles imaginable. Styles with huge 3′ spikes, or gravity defying curls, or even complex, sculpture-like shapes. And because of the robustness of her gel, the hair will actually keep its shape for weeks before needing to be restyled, even for someone who spends their time swimming, fighting, and sleeping on the ground.
  78. Grusor is a former adventurer who got lucky early in his career, and was able to retire as a fabulously wealthy 24 year old. Now in his fifties, he’s got a lot of insecurities about his own meager accomplishments in life, and projects that onto younger adventurers. He hates them for being lazy, and for acting as though they are entitled to succeed in every adventure. He’s set up a little shop in town where he offers young adventurers a gift. If you accept a handicap of his choosing, and return from an adventure successfully, he’ll use some of his wealth to spread word of your deeds around, and you’ll double your bragging rights (experience points). He’s got a small team of professional handicappers on site, ready to make whatever device is needed to properly gimp anyone who takes Grusor up on his offer. Once applied, these devices are difficult or impossible to remove, though Grusor will happily do it in exchange for a “reasonable” fee.
  79. The Living Mail service. Here’s the deal: they’ve got fully enclosed metal cases on wheels. Like slightly more spacious coffins. If you want to get somewhere, and you don’t want to deal with any fuss on the way, they’ll get the job done and you won’t have to deal with anything that happens along the way. Each character transported must be paid for separately, and the cost is multiplied by the number of encounter checks skipped.
  80. “Steel House” is a prestigious social club, and you might be surprised just how many people are members. Even though this is the only location, folks who visit town from hundreds of miles away are often members in good standing. Getting into the club would instantly open doors for a person, no matter what business they’re in. Even adventurers will find the social connections they could make there invaluable. And, interestingly, application is open to anyone who can afford the rather paltry 25 gold fee. Too much for the average field hand, but hardly as prohibitive as might be expected. Once a person’s application has been submitted, though, they will be approached about their initiation. They will be instructed to carry out a series of unforgivable acts of depravity. Failure to perform will result in rejection of their application. Furthermore, to prevent them from revealing the club’s secrets, agents will be dispatched to ruin the failed applicant’s reputation beyond repair.
  81. During quiet moments when god isn’t watching, who among us does not enjoy a good rub of the ol’ genitalia. But erotic literature requires so much imagination, and erotic paintings tend to fall flat. That’s why you should subscribe to the Erotic Statuary, the only place in town where you can browse a packed gallery of high quality, three dimensional artwork, specifically designed to inflame your ardor. Members will also receive a discount at our store, where you can purchase miniature versions of our life sized originals. Visit our preview gallery with 5 statues in it for free anytime, and if you need more, membership is very affordable!
  82. A comedy club. 90% of the humor is about how the various races of the world are different from one another. In a world with literal different races in it, that’s a well that never really runs dry.
  83. Is there anything bad going on in your life? Literally anything? It’s probably because of toxins. Our modern lifestyle is toxic, and those toxins are very damaging to your lower chakras. Fortunately, I can help. Hi there, my name is Pastor Doctor Flourchyld, and I’m an experienced colonomancer. What we do is very complicated, magical, and scientific, but the basics of it are like this: I take this here hose, and I put it into your butthole. Then I pump a bunch of water into your butt, until you’re all filled up with water, then I pump that water back out, and all your brown sticky toxins come out along with it. Of course, as I said, this is just a layman’s overview. You don’t get a title like “colonomancer” for doing something simple after all! Haha! So anyway, come on down, get tetoxified, and start living a better life…today!
  84. Ms. Hope’s Schoolhouse is unique in this part of the world: free education, on offer to anyone, from any social class. Of course, the upper classes still hire private tutors for their children, but for children in the lower classes, this is a unique opportunity to make a better life for themselves…or so they think. It’s a well known fact that Ms. Hope is, herself, a wealthy aristocrat. Most people think she’s doing this out of the goodness of her heart, when in fact it’s just a prank. Everything she teaches the children is a useless lie, that will never help them to succeed in society. She and her society friends spend their evenings coming up with ever more ridiculous things she should teach the kids. And, as a side benefit, this will help keep the uppity poors in their proper place.
  85. Have you ever been frustrated that no matter how many times you explain something to your cat, dog, or other pet/animal, it never seems to listen? That’s because animals don’t understand language, you dumbo. But, if you bring em’ on down to Theo’s Speech Therapy for Pets and Beasts, your troubles will be no more! Not only can our crack team teach your animal to understand what you say, we can teach them how to talk back to you, so you never have to wonder why they’re making all that racket again!
  86. Do you have a person in your life who thinks about things in a bad, no-good way? Have you tried everything to fix it? The Brain Scrubbers have got you covered! If you can get the person down to our shop, we can wash their brain clean and make em’ think whatever you want them to think. (Many limitations apply).
  87. A wizard carnival, with magically powered rides and games. Pimply faced teenage apprentices waggle their wands to operate zippers and tilt-o-whirls. Guided, high-speed flight spells are conjured by more experienced practitioners to create a roller-coaster like experience. Win prizes by knocking over a stack of bottles enchanted to be unusually heavy, or punching an illusory dragon hard enough in the snout to make his eyes pop out and ring like bells. For a few coins, peasants can even spend a few hours with an instructor wizard, who will try to teach them a simple cantrip.
  88. A gardening shop that only sells one type of fern. Western Sword Ferns, to be exact. There’s nothing particularly special, or magical about this plant. The owner insists it’s just a really good fern, and he’s passionate about selling them. No, there isn’t anything else in the back room. In fact, there’s nothing to see in the back room! Stay away from there, it won’t interest you. No, I’m not acting suspicious, I just don’t like people talking about my back room. Hey, get away from that door!
  89. Fladnag’s Travel Agency is the best way to get from where to you are, to where you’re going. With us, you’ll arrive quickly, safely, and most important, cheaply! For a single lump payment, we can arrange your transport with any wagon trains, ships, or other conveyance that will be required to reach your destination, as well as provide information about interesting locations you may want to visit on the way. And, this week only, anyone who books a trip with us will get a dozen free packets of our Gitgoin’ Instant Coffee! Just mix it into hot water, and one sip will have you awake, and running on your way to adventure. (Literally!)
  90. If you’ve got a lot of ice in some kinda dumb shape, like a square or something, Ichabod’s Ice Sculpting can help you get it into a better shape. Like a swan. But, unlike some of our competitors, we can turn ice into shapes that are not swan shapes. Like a horse shape, or a triangle, or a flower maybe. Who knows? You do. You tell us what shape you like, and we’ll make your ice into that shape.
  91. An adventuring thrift store. When players return to town and sell useless stuff like a jar of eyeballs that they took out of a goblin’s chest, this is where it ends up. The shelves are filled with cursed weapons, magic items with intensely stupid abilities, dungeon-specific items that have no use outside the place they were taken from, etc. Occasionally you’ll find some amazing bit of treasure that was overlooked, but most of it is very situationally useful at best. At least it’s all cheap.
  92. A store for designer adventuring clothes. The auteur who owns the place is a sweetheart, but is absolutely relentless when it comes to advocating for her pet fashion theories. That the way we present ourselves is the most profound statement a person can make, that it’s the foundation of civilization, that the whole world could be improved if people knew how to communicate better through the clothes that they wear. She has a very 1980s aesthetic.
  93. A few years back, Lord Salazar’s father struck his head while riding, and developed a severe case of amnesia. The thought of living without one’s own memories was so heartbreaking to Salazar, that he set out to do what he could to alleviate that suffering for others. He founded a spa, called “Home Again,” where visitors can describe some experience that a loved one who has suffered memory loss once had, and the staff will do their best to recreate that event for them, using stage props and actors. The fee for this service is surprisingly low, since the owner really just wants to make it as widely available to those afflicted with amnesia as possible. Of course, what most people do is get a friend to take them in, and describe that one time they had sex with a celebrity.
  94. Are you a victim of injustice? Have you been accused of: criminal beard negligence? Mining too deep and/or too greedily? Public sobriety? For these, an many other problems, you don’t just need any laywer, you need a team with a proven track record, and an intimate knowledge of dwarven law. For that, there’s only one place to go: Gus, Gus, & LaRue is a firm that will get you the justice you deserve.
  95. Are you fat, disabled, or otherwise being held back by your body? Do you want to experience the freedom of being nothing but spirit soaring through the cosmos, while resting secure in the knowledge that your corporeal shell is being safely guarded by a firm with over 12 guards, and a 6-year record without any body theft? Then come to Al’s Astral Projection just behind the tavern. We’ll get your spirit out of your body for a modest fee, and even put it back in again for FREE! (Terms and conditions apply. Free body return only applicable if customer returns withing specified time frame).
  96. If the government isn’t working for you, it’s probably because you aren’t paying the right people the proper amounts. At the Office of Corruption, we specialize in connecting wealthy customers with needs, to government officials with empty pockets and flexible morals. Visit today to take advantage of our ongoing sale on getting out of tax evasion, building inspection, and murder!
  97. Don’t throw your money away at the office of corruption. Why pay someone else to run the government the way you want, when you can just run it yourself? Revolution Inc. has the tools, the manpower, and the know-how to destabilize any government you need. Once the time is ripe, you can swoop in and claim power for yourself with minimal problems. Payment required up-front.
  98. A druid selling random detritus from nature, like pine cones, and sticks, and jars full of pine needles. She always wished there was a store like this, and is completely baffled as to why business is so bad. Must be the economy.
  99. A roadside stand, with a very attractive person sitting at it, beneath a sign that says “One for $5. Three for $12.” If the requisite amount is given, the very attractive person will unleash a torrent of customized, artisanal insults, perfectly catered to their best estimate of what your insecurities are.
  100. Buy a page of the referee’s notes. 50,000,000 money.

Trick or Treating with NPCs

On Halloween, the players may approach any NPC in the game and ask “Trick, or Treat?” The referee should then roll on the table below to determine how the NPC responds.

Also, if you call Halloween “The Day of Ghosts” or “Spook Night” or any other uniquely fantastified non-name, you are a fuckin’ goober. Holidays aren’t copyrighted, why do people keep coming up with legally distinct versions of holiday names? It is dumb.

The Trick or Treater…

  1. Gets a big bag of rocks.
  2. Gets a big bag of candy!
  3. Is afflicted with intense flatulence for the next few hours.
  4. Will be an instant expert with the next musical instrument they get their hands on.
  5. Is startled by a monster from the random encounter table, which pops out to spook them.
  6. Will be able to breathe underwater for the next few hours.
  7. Will only be able to breathe underwater for the next few hours.
  8. Gets a bar of chocolate called “Save-U-Latr”. Eating it grants a +4 bonus to your next saving throw.
  9. Gets a bar of chocolate called “Save-U-Latr”. Eating it grants a -4 penalty on your next saving throw.
  10. Gains a +1 to their chance to get a random surprise round, until the next time they get a random surprise round.
  11. Will get their bones broken the next time they’re struck in combat.
  12. Will only take the minimum amount of possible damage from the next attack they are struck by.
  13. Gets a Jack-O-Lantern stuck on their head. They can’t get it off until it starts to rot and get soft and squishy.
  14. Has their clothes illusion’d, so they appear to be wearing a very spooky costume.
  15. Is left in the care of a young child, which they must care for, or be arrested for criminal neglect.
  16. Has their face painted in a colorful and fun way.
  17. Is afflicted with an allergy to Dungeon Dust, which causes them to sneeze any time they’re in ancient places.
  18. Receives a balloon animal of their choosing from the NPC.
  19. Gets a spanking for some naughty thing the NPC saw them do. It is not the fun kind of spanking.
  20. Is temporarily gifted with 5lb telekinesis.
  21. Is recognized by someone nearby they owe a debt to, who wants them to pay up immediately and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.
  22. Is absolutely perfect at climbing trees, until the following evening.
  23. Is given the opportunity to weed the NPC’s garden, chop their firewood, and run a few errands in town for them. No takesie-backsies on Trick or Treats. Or else.
  24. GETS A PONY!
  25. Gets a case of the hiccups that just won’t quit. Each time they hiccup, little bubbles come out of their mouth. When they pop, they say the thoughts that the character never would have said out-loud.
  26. Learns that they are unconditionally loved by someone in their life. And really, isn’t that the greatest treat of all?
  27. Is cursed with a terrible haircut.
  28. Is given a bag of magic seeds, which will grow into full grown crops in a single week, no matter the weather or the quality of the soil.
  29. Is cursed, so that every chair they sit in for the next year will have a whoopie cushion on it. Even if they pause to remove the cushion, it will simply reappear on the chair when they do finally sit.
  30. Will almost immediately be approached and greeted by someone they’ve always wanted to meet, but probably never would have had the opportunity to.
  31. Has all of their teeth rot and fall out within the next few weeks.
  32. Gets tickets to the carnival, an event more fun than it has any right to be. You’re seriously in for a pretty dang good time.
  33. Starts to experience severe back pains, which reduces their encumbrance.
  34. Is graced with an official title. It has little material benefit, but will be recognized and respected by everyone within the culture in which it was given.
  35. Will be pooped on by birds. A lot. For a very long time. This character is suddenly a favored target.
  36. A candied apple, which heals 2d8 hit points. Any hit points rolled above the maximum are gained as temporary hit points.
  37. Has a face which, everyone will agree, is a very scary mask. Because they are ugly.
  38. Will be transformed into a kid.
  39. Is now in trouble with the authorities! The NPC called for them immediately. Trick or Treating is only for children, and any adult caught doing it is obviously some kind of deviant.
  40. Will experience a My Little Pony style lesson moment, about the importance of friendship.
  41. Gets a potato.
  42. Meets a rat named Bently, who wants to be their friend.
  43. Is given a coupon book for the goods and services local to the town. The coupons are all very confusingly worded, and have obtuse requirements that make them a huge pain in the ass to use. Some are expired.
  44. Receives a magic hat, which makes them an expert at ice sculpture.
  45. Is cursed so that, any time they walk through a town, they will be struck by falling garbage and emptied chamber pots from the windows above them.
  46. Gets an excellent toy doll, with articulated joints. It’s the best toy ever.
  47. Learns all the gossip their companions have been saying about them behind their back. The referee is free to make up whatever they want, so long as it’s likely to hurt the Trick or Treater’s feelings.
  48. Receives a book on the subject of local myths and legends. (After reading it, the player is free to ask the referee 4 questions on the subject, and have them answered with complete honesty).
  49. Must make a mandatory visit to the dentist.
  50. Is given a temporary tattoo, which glows with cool runes and shit.
  51. Will probably be surprised when the NPC disappears into a puff of smoke.
  52. Gets a good wash from the NPC. They really get in there with a brush and make you smell nice.
  53. Will be pelted with rotten eggs.
  54. Is blessed, such that the next monster they meet will be friendly.
  55. Gets scolded by the NPC for wearing such low visibility clothing on such a dangerous night. Is forced to wear a reflective vest which will ruin any attempt at stealth.
  56. Is given a glass of unpleasant-tasting vegetable juice. It’s not fun to consume, but once you’ve got it down, you feel completely reinvigorated. You don’t need to sleep again for 2 days, and won’t take any penalties at all from doing so.
  57. Will be transformed into a goblin for the next 48 hours.
  58. Receives a paper mache mask, which is shockingly convincing as the face of some other creature, but is very fragile and will break easily.
  59. Has their gender swapped.
  60. Discovers that undead creatures are friendly to them, until the next time they harm one.
  61. Has all of their meaty-bits turn transparent, so that they appear to be a walking skeleton. I call them Skello-persons, which is legally distinct from any similar, Carcosan entities.
  62. Will be overjoyed when that one really weird, fucked-up sex thing that they’re into becomes completely commonplace until the next full moon. Everybody will be talking about it, and be eager to do it. Later it will be regarded as a fad.
  63. Knows that their mother is mad at them. They don’t know why, but she is, and she might yell at them at any moment.
  64. Is blessed, such that people they meet regard their opinion of high importance, and will be very interested to know the character’s thoughts on just about any subject. This effect gradually fades over the course of a week.
  65. Will be chased by a pack of ravenous dogs. (10 per level of the character)
  66. Will be chased by a pack of adorable puppies (3 per level of the character)
  67. Drugs lose all of their effects for this character. They become forcibly sober, because nothing can get them buzzed.
  68. Just once, if they jump out of a glass window, they can land wherever they want, and can roll just right so that they only take 2hp of damage. 1 from the glass, and 1 from the fall.
  69. A cloud of rain forms over the character’s head, and will follow them around wherever they go.
  70. The next time they would die, it was all a dream. They wake up in their bed.
  71. All foods affect the character’s mind as if they were drugs, causing them to exist in a constant haze.
  72. Must choose an animal. All instances of that animal, all over the world, can now fly. If they could already fly, then now they can swim. If they could already fly and swim, then what the fuck, they can teleport.
  73. Birds can talk now, but they only speak to the Trick or Treater, and all they ever do is talk shit.
  74. The next harmful spell the Trick or Treater would be affected by is warped, so that the Trick or Treater is instead granted Protection from Evil.
  75. Their nose gets all big and warty.
  76. Becomes significantly more attractive. Two or three points up on a ten point scale, at the very least.
  77. The next time they would run, they run as if they were underwater.
  78. The NPC tells them that their next attack will be “a little more effective than normal.” Their next attack will be an auto-hit, auto-kill, no matter what their target is. Under no circumstances should the player be aware of the full potency of this treat.
  79. Every coin in the Trick or Treater’s possession goes down by one denomination. Gold becomes silver, silver becomes copper, copper becomes stone, etc.
  80. The next time you sleep, you dream of reading that book you’ve been meaning to read. When you wake up, you have all the knowledge of the book, as if you had read it.
  81. Gets their shoes tied together.
  82. Is empowered with the skills of an expert tapdancer.
  83. Is cursed, so that their weapon becomes stuck in its scabbard during the next combat.
  84. Is blessed, such that everything the Trick or Treater eats tastes like candy.
  85. Hands become so sticky that anything they touch becomes stuck to them until some water is poured over their hands.
  86. Receives a really comfortable pair of shoes, which will make all of their traveling around much more comfortable. There’s no mechanical benefit, but dang, it’s just a way nicer way to adventure, ya know?
  87. From now on, whenever they sleep, their dreams will appear floating above their heads for anyone nearby to watch.
  88. For the next few days, all reaction rolls are made at a +1. Everyone is just being kinda cool to you, yo. It’s the harvest season, and people are just kinda chill, ya know?
  89. A serial killer has decided that you need to be their next victim. They’re stalking you now, and they’ll come for you next time you’re alone.
  90. The NPC casually hands over some item or piece of information which significantly advances the players along some quest they were already invested in. It doesn’t solve the whole thing for them, or anything, but it will sure make their lives a whole lot easier.
  91. Your butt falls off. There is no longer any way for you to sit, or to fart, or to poop, or to enjoy the pleasures of anal stimulation.
  92. The NPC relates some information regarding a small inheritance the Trick or Treater is entitled to. All they need to do is go claim it from the executor of their great aunt’s estate.
  93. The NPC calls out for help, claiming that the Trick or Treater attacked them with great violence.
  94. The NPC passes along info regarding a friendly water Nymph, who is currently fed up with other nature spirits and wants to make some human friends.
  95. A bag of tasty tasty popcorn, a kernel of which gets stuck in your teeth, and will remain lodged there FOREVER, giving you uncomfortable mouth pressures.
  96. The NPC offers to do your laundry. They’ll do a really good job of it, too. It’ll all feel very soft and warm when they’re done.
  97. Dogs no longer trust the Trick or Treater, which is bad, because people always put an undue amount of faith in whether or not a dog likes a person.
  98. The NPC offers comfortable accommodations for the night, complete with soft beds, privacy, and meals.
  99. The NPC offers to perform oral sex. They are really, really, painfully bad at it.
  100. The Trick or Treater is entitled to one Wish.

d100 Materials your Post-Apocalyptic Armor is Made From

Armor made from soda can tabsFor each piece of armor found, roll once or twice on the table to determine what materials it’s made from. Everything on this list is super realistic. If you find something you think is unrealistic, it’s just because you don’t understand something that I do understand. Because I am a very smart boy.

  1. Street signs, such as “Stop,” “Yield,” or “Children at Play.”
  2. Car body pieces, like the hood, doors, or bumper.
  3. Rubber tires.
  4. Sheet metal
  5. Leather, perhaps in the form of an old world jacket, or something tanned in the post apocalypse. In the case of the latter, it may be human leather.
  6. Chain link fence.
  7. Cookware, like pots, pans, or baking sheets.
  8. Layered silverware or cutlery
  9. Plywood, probably from some old Ikea furniture.
  10. Books of any sort. Paperbacks or magazines work just as well as hardbacks or coffee table books. Don’t underestimate the stopping force of layered paper!
  11. A weave of cables and wiring.
  12. Folded duct tape.
  13. Regular old-world clothing, like a T-shirt, but stacked in layer upon layer upon layer until it’s formidable armament.
  14. Protective sports equipment, like football shoulder pads, hockey goalie leg pads, or a BMX biker’s helmet.
  15. Bones from various creatures, animals, beasts, and humans.
  16. The carapace of a giant, mutated insect.
  17. Soles from old shoes.
  18. Old plumbing pipes, made of metal or PVC.
  19. Carpeting torn up from a floor, possibly layered to make it thicker.
  20. Cut-up metal cans, like you would use for paint or oil, or Campbell’s soup. 
  21. Children’s plastic toy armor.
  22. Ludicrous cosplayer armor, which can be made mostly functional if you cut off all the extraneous spikes.
  23. Some piece of medieval reenactor armor. It’s probably not actually made of metal, or if so, it’s probably not made terribly well.
  24. Real medieval armor. Before the apocalypse, this would have been a valuable historical artifact.
  25. Police riot gear, well preserved from the per-apocalypse.
  26. Chain link made from belt-buckles.
  27. An old robot chasis that a human can squeeze themselves inside of.
  28. Animal cages.
  29. A lifejacket
  30. Old AOL disks, pinned together.
  31. Motorcycle safety gear.
  32. Safety gear from a construction site, like a hard hat, gloves, or reflective vest.
  33. Welder gear, either the mask, or the heavy apron.
  34. One of those lead-lined aprons dentists put on people when they X-Ray them.
  35. Firefighter PPE.
  36. Wicker, probably taken from some old patio furniture.
  37. Soft, thick pads, like pillows, couch cushions, or even just a comforter.
  38. License plates
  39. Chainmail made from carabiners
  40. Old, discarded plaster casts, like the ones used to keep a bone straight while it sets.
  41. A woven mesh of nylon rope.
  42. Old BDSM fetish gear. Some of that shit is fuckin’ sturdy, and you’re not in any position to be picky.
  43. A Halloween costume.
  44. Old bullet casings, strapped together in rows.
  45. Video game cartridges, pinned together.
  46. A trash can.
  47. Hair from humans or horses, woven into thick sheets.
  48. The skins of old deflated sports balls, like basketballs and footballs.
  49. A satellite dish.
  50. Soda can tabs. That’s what the armor worn by the woman in the image above is made from.
  51. Twigs, strapped into rows.
  52. Three ring binders.
  53. Tin cans.
  54. A hollowed out part of a taxidermied animal.
  55. LEGO bricks. Particularly some of the large flat plates.
  56. The boards from board games.
  57. Trading cards of various types, from baseball to magic the gathering.
  58. Nerf.
  59. Stuffed animals.
  60. Plastic plants, such as fake ferns.
  61. Computer parts, like circuit boards, keyboards, chassis, and CRT monitor housings.
  62. Food containers from the world before. Stuff like cereal boxes, or chip bags, layered together.
  63. Rulers and yard sticks, held together with pins.
  64. Window blinds.
  65. Clothes hangars, interlocked with each other.
  66. Silicone sex toys: dildos, butt plugs, vibrators…
  67. D&D 3rd edition splat books.
  68. Clip boards.
  69. The backboard from a basketball hoop.
  70. Cardboard boxes.
  71. Cleaning gear: rubber gloves, dustpans, or the heads from brooms and mops.
  72. A piece of some kind of experimental body armor from the pre-apocalypse. It looks like it was made by a doomsday prepper with more money than sense.
  73. Broken bits off of plastic shopping carts.
  74. One of those layered cardboard scratchers they make for cats.
  75. Bicycle parts, like the wheels, handlebars, or chain.
  76. Wine cork lamellar.
  77. Library card lamellar. (Also “club cards” from big box stores, or credit cards).
  78. Safety glass, probably pulled out of a door from a school.
  79. Matchbox cars.
  80. An old folding table.
  81. Giant letters that used to form the name of some long-forgotten business.
  82. Mail made from fidget spinners.
  83. Smartphone cases.
  84. Old metal tonka toys.
  85. Roofing shingles.
  86. Horse shoes.
  87. Hula hoops and jump ropes.
  88. Discarded plastic bottles.
  89. Circular saw blades.
  90. Dozens and dozens of “unbreakable” combs.
  91. Cheap costume jewelry: rings and bracelets interlocked into mail, draped bundles of necklace chains, and so on.
  92. Cardboard tubes, like the ones from toilet paper, paper towels, and wrapping paper.
  93. Vinyl house siding.
  94. Steel medical brace.
  95. Shovel heads.
  96. Fan blades
  97. Cutting boards.
  98. Dumb, cheap, fantasy weapons. They’re so ridiculous that nobody can actually use them as weapons, so they’re trying to put them to use as armor.
  99. A dartboard.
  100. Something crazy valuable that the “armor smith” apparently didn’t realize was valuable. Like a working gameboy, a floppy disk with secret information on it, or a bit of wood with a treasure map singed into it.

d100 Mercenary or Bandit Leaders

d100 Mercenary & Bandit LeadersThis d100 table was selected by my generous Patrons. If you’d like a chance to decide what d100 tables I’ll work on next, drop a dollar into my Patreon!

So, what makes these mooks more than just mooks?

  1. Killer Paul – A psychopathic serial killer, who finds this way of life a useful in providing for his needs. Always likes to take a few alive if he can, so he can ‘play’ with them. Whenever someone joins his band, Killer Paul cuts deep into his own chest, and forces the initiate to ‘suckle at the devil’s teat.’ KP believes this makes his followers “like him.” And, indeed, everyone makes a show of reveling in murder and torture, though most do so out of fear, rather than a sincere bloodlust.
  2. Yeolar the Leveler – Believes the current system of government is not only corrupt, but fundamentally flawed. Only a society that guarantees equal access to wealth is justified. Since no such society exists, Yeolar has determined to make one. Within her band, loot is distributed evenly, and decisions are made communally. They prefer to kill the wealthy and powerful, since such people will never willingly agree to participate in a leveled society. But sometimes, work is work, and they’ll do what they have to.
  3. Faenrik the Slayer – Only a handful of Faenrik’s closes confidants know that he is actually Sir Fulton, an honorable knight of the realm. He leads a double life, disguising himself in a battered suit of plate armor whenever he’s with his band of ne’er do wells. If this fact were discovered, it would be a great scandal.
  4. Gabriel Tellison – Unbeknownst to anyone, the much feared Tellison gang is led by an angel, who has been sent by God to test our faith.
  5. Penelope Croust – Once, she was a paladin. But she was too fond of being paid for her good deeds, always expecting a reward when she saved someone. Eventually her avarice caused her to fall, and lose her powers. Rather than seek redemption, she’s embraced a life of using her fighting prowess to earn as much gold as she can.
  6. Edward Von Kleght – Formerly head of a prominent carpenter’s guild. A few years back, the crown undertook a massive public works project, which required nearly all the carpenters in the guild. Once the project was done, the crown decided the work was too expensive, and cut costs by cheating many of their laborers out of fair wages. The carpenters were in a frenzy of rage, and Von Kleght led them out to prey upon the kingdom that had cheated them. 
  7. General Tusurio – After months upon months of late and missing pay, Tusurio and a group of other soldiers determined they’d had enough, and could make better money on their own terms. The highest rank Tusurio ever legitimately achieved was sergeant, but he and his men decided promotions for themselves were in order after they deserted the army.
  8. Bovilare Ostencluck – Ostensibly, a sickly old woman with an uncanny knack for knowing when and where to strike to maximize profits. She always stays behind a curtain, and no one in her band has seen her face. She maintains this anonymity because she’s actually a highly intelligent chicken who just doesn’t want to lay eggs or get eaten. She usually stays at the groups hideout, but is sometimes carried around in her curtained litter.
  9. Benji Poppinjay – Formerly a rat catcher, who unsettled his fellows with his strange passion for the work. He even went so far as to invent a rat goddess, which he began to worship in weird ceremonies, until he was run out of town. He learned to sustain himself by adapting the principles of rat trapping to trap humans, and a small following began to take shape around him. 
  10. Kinlee Wouldabeen – A prophesied child of destiny, meant to overthrow evil and establish an era of peace. As it turns out, however, overthrowing evil is hard. Kinlee just sorta stopped trying at some point, and turned to the much simpler life of doing whatever was needed to make a few coins. 
  11. Hugo Urasha – is not actually Hugo Urasha. The real Hugo died quietly in his tent, when a doppleganger sucked out his innards through his mouth. The thing now presenting itself as the fierce leader of a notorious band  is not human at all. Some of the men have noticed the sudden shift in their leader’s behavior. They seem to be consistently doing very similar work, against very similar targets. But Hugo has always led them right before, and they’re still bringing in plenty of booty, so no one questions it.
  12. Pogo the Clown – Pogo began his life in the circus, where he had some moderate success as a clown. He always made a little money as a thug on the side. By the time anyone came looking for him, the circus would have moved on, and he’d be safe. Eventually his fellows got fed up with the bad reputation he was giving them, and kicked him out. Now Pogo is a thug full time, still wearing his clown costume and makeup for some unfathomable reason.
  13. Murza Zill – A lesbian who was never very good at disguising her preferences. Rather than force herself to endure the dicks of the conservative culture she was born into, Murza chose to strike out on her own and see what sort of living she could make. A band has slowly formed around her. Some are drawn to her success, while others are drawn to the idea of living in a group where they can safely be gay.
  14. Three Dick Jack – A bunch of people follow him because he’s got three dicks and that’s awesome.
  15. Father Sedgwick – Hoping to save souls, Father Sedgewick started traveling with the band to preach, and to hear confessions. He hoped to slowly show these people the error of their ways, but the opposite ended up happening. One compromise led to another, and to another, and now Father Sedgwick leads the band himself.
  16. Renuar Estavon – Poetry without struggle is trash. At least, that’s what Renuar believes. Believing his own work had begun to suffer from his too-comfortable, too-safe, too-law-abiding lifestyle, Renuar decided to leave it all behind to seek a life of adventure and hardship. Something that would inform his poetry, and allow him to reach greater artistic heights.
  17. Ms. S.C. Rowe – She’s not really sure how it happened, but one day she just…came to life. There, up on a post in the middle of a field, with memories of being an unliving facsimile whose only purpose was to scare off birds. Then bam, she was alive, she climbed down off her post, and ran off into the woods to figure out what the heck was going on. She’s still just a bundle of hay wrapped up in clothes, and yet she thinks and feels all on her own. She’s terrified people will find out what she is and destroy her, so she works on the edge of society, with just her band for company.
  18. Yasui Leiko – A warrior from a far off land, armed with strange weapons, and wearing strange armors. When she was exiled from her home, she set out to wander, going further than almost any of her people had ever gone before. She does not know any local language, but instead communicates with her band through her tone and gestures.
  19. Willie Jopho – Even when he was a young boy, Willie knew he wanted to live this life. He looked up to the men and women who lived by their own law, making money by their strength and ferocity, and he scorned the weakness of their victims. He ran off to join a band when he was a teenager, where he learned the trade, before breaking off to found his own group.
  20. Lanky Jim Wheeler – A former pirate whose ship sank during a storm. Was able to lead his crew to safety, but couldn’t find a new ship for them. Until they can find a good one to steal, they’re sticking to “land-piracy.”
  21. Niklaus Trapp – A con man, working both sides of the law. He moves to a new area, establishes a band of ruffians, skillfully leads them to becoming wanted men, then absconds with the booty and turns his own men in to the law for the reward money. 
  22. Big Nero – A gentle giant of a man who doesn’t realize what he’s doing. He thinks he’s dreaming, living out fantasies of adventure. His own men encourage this fantasy, as they’ve never had so much success as they’ve had under Big Nero. A man completely unafraid, because he doesn’t think the danger is real.
  23. Hugh Mann – On the planet Dasdukk, gold is a bountiful resource. The peoples who live there discovered a way to use it as a source of fuel, and now they travel the stars in great ships powered by gold. Recently, a collision with a meteor destroyed an auxiliary fuel tank on one of their ships, which was forced to make an emergency landing on Earth. Imagine their horror when they discovered how rare gold was on this disgusting little rock in space. They had just enough fuel left to create a single human suit, which they take turns wearing to go out and lead a group of humans in acquiring gold by any means necessary.
  24. Rockington – A creature of the deep sub-earth, who has only recently discovered that the worms of the surface world have been digging beneath their domain, plundering the natural wonders of the subterranean. This infuriates Rockington, who now scourges the surface with a band of treasonous humans. They may take all they like of the wine, the food, the silks, the papered moneys, etcetera. But all precious metals and stones must be returned to their rightful place beneath the earth.
  25. Jordanna Wheeler – Wishes are tricky things. When Jordanna had the opportunity to make her innermost desires a reality, she wished to be the most desirable woman in the land, living a life of excitement. The very next instant she found herself in a camp, surrounded by bloodthirsty thugs who regarded her as their leader. She tried to flee home, only to discover a flyer, with her own face sketched on it, naming her the most wanted woman in the land, with a massive bounty for her capture, dead or alive.
  26. Shimmercoat – A young woman who wears a suit of wolf skins, sewn together. She’s convinced that her true father was a wolf, and that her mother only hid it from her out of shame. Most folks think she’s crazy, but her obsessive striving to be as swift and fierce as “her wolf ancestors,” has led her to becoming a surprisingly effective fighter.
  27. Georgina Louverture – A few months, maybe a year or two. That’s how long a person survives after the black polyps start to appear on their neck. With nothing left to lose, Georgina figured she’d throw herself into danger, to make as much money for her family as she could before she died. That was three years ago. The polyps now cover her neck entirely, and have begun to spread down across her chest. There are some days she can’t do anything other than lie in bed and leak a grey bile. Yet, she isn’t dead, so she keeps going, sending every coin she takes back home.
  28. Simone Ninel – Teaching is a tough job, particularly if you insist on being honest about it. After being dismissed by a few noble patrons for teaching their children the “wrong” facts, Simone found it impossible to find any work.Pushed to the edge of society, she turned to violence to make ends meet. The band which has formed around her is the best educated group of thugs you’ll ever meet. 
  29. Horace – When Horace’ mother laid her eggs in the corpse of a wizard, she thought nothing of it. She thought very little at all, in fact, because she was a turtle. When the homunculic amalgam of turtle and infant was found, it was taken in by an elderly warrior; an exile from a far off land who raised the turtle-child in the warrior traditions of his home. He managed to keep Horace’ existence secret for years, until some people from the nearby village spotted the child, believing him to be a demon. They burned the house, killed Horace’ mentor, and Horace himself only barely escaped into the night. Now an adolescent, Horace uses the skills his mentor gave him to survive, and a small band of ruffians has formed around him.
  30. The Black Tree – The true name of this creature is a very particular sound that can be produced by rustling leaves. No symbols exist in human language to correlate to that sound, as no human is capable of approximating it, so “The Black Tree” will have to suffice. Grown in soil fertilized by the blood of god, the Black Tree grows man-things like fruit in its branches. Each year, 10-30 new men are grown to replace those who have died. All fruit of the Black Tree obey its will: take what men value, sow discord among them.
  31. Wadduda – An exceptionally intelligent horse, with a dead, taxidermied human on its back. Wadduda has become a skilled ventriloquist and puppeteer. She convincingly gesticulates with the ‘man’ on her back, so that no one realizes it’s actually the horse doing the talking, the fighting, and the leading.
  32. Grey DeLisle – A young woman with an almost erotic fascination with fire. It plays some creative role in almost every plan she employs, as well as a terrifying role in her philosophy of enforcing discipline among her band.
  33. Austera Wuster – A complete narcissist, convinced of her own infallibility. Austera is a bumbling moron, but her band of thugs props up her ego, because the more credit she gets for their misdeeds, the less likely any of them are to be caught or punished.
  34. Davberton Jonesmith – ‘Davberton,’ of course, is not a real name. It’s the kind of name someone comes up with when someone asks them what their name is, and they can’t tell the truth, so they play out a mid-’90s sitcom joke. I mean, it’s not like you can just tell people that you’re a dead person wearing the skins of the living as a disguise. Not that Davberton is dead…he’s totally alive. Totally.
  35. Marcia Gallika – A harsh woman who wears a cat-o-nine-tails at her side. She claims it is the same one which tore at the flesh of Christ before the crucifixion, and plays up her identity as a gleeful scourge of all that is good and wholesome.
  36. Gurbo Zalamticus – Lost a hand some years ago, and decided to have a short sword mounted on the stump. He’s a competent leader, but by no means an exceptional one. People tend to overestimate him because of his sword-hand. To his credit, he does realize this.
  37. Taukum – A 12 year old girl whose parents were terrible people. So, she killed them, and left their bodies in the street before leaving her hometown forever. She’s a muscular child, with a brutal temperament.
  38. Ereet Furn: A cultist devoted to the Blue Lady, who will reduce the world to a frozen wasteland upon her coming. Ereet seeks to bring about the dawn of her era through leading this band. Only a few of Ereet’s followers know that her true purpose is not to acquire wealthy, but to foster chaos.
  39. Olso Na – Not a bad guy, really. He’s easygoing, charming, and never cheats in games of chance. But it’s a tough world, and there aren’t a lot of ways for a guy who likes to make his own way to get by. So sometimes you gotta get a little rough to make your money, that’s just the way the world turns. 
  40. Lil’ Bippie –An 8 year old prodigy who was ready to be an adult by the time he was 5. Since his parents insisted on treating him like a child, and since no one was willing to hire a child, he set out to make his own way in the world. Obviously he can’t quite stand up to an adult physically, but Lil’ Bippie is a clever guy, who knows how to set up an ambush, and he’s got enough adults on his payroll to make those ambushes pack a punch. He’s also got a strange way of getting other children to “snap out of” their own childishness, which many people find deeply unsettling.
  41. Alicia Poverdagh – Dying is never really fair. Why should one person starve to death, while others have food rotting in their stores because they can’t host feasts quickly enough to use it all? Alicia may have tolerated that while she was alive, for some reason, but now that she’s a ghost, beyond the realm of consequences, she’d like to enact judgement upon those who have so much, while she had so little. She doesn’t “Lead” her band, so much as she comes to them in dreams, whispers in their ears, and occasionally appears to terrify their victims.
  42. Nadochk: A street performer, who isn’t afraid to engage in a little more dangerous work if the price is right. She and her band prefer to make their money via their antics if possible, but when money is tight they know which end of the sword to hold.
  43. Tzim Aulur: A splinter of divinity, living the first of its infinite lives. As far as it can tell, life is a game, and everyone else is just playing it too cautiously. Tzim does not understand death, believing that anyone who dies is simply ‘out of the game’ until the next round.
  44. Wife: A former daughter of nobility, who always resented her limited role. On the day of her wedding, she ran off, managed to escape capture, and hide aboard a ship destined for lands beyond her parent’s control. Even still, she has needed to live on the outskirts of society, lest her name make it back home, where surely someone would be sent to collect her. She still wears her bridal gown, the only clothes she had on her back when she ran. It’s now been cut into a more functional garment, but is still recognizable. Since she doesn’t want to give out her name, she’s been only too happy to adopt the nickname “Wife” her followers gave her.
  45. Sullas Oulor: As a child, Sullas made a little wish of no consequence. All that matters is that a fairy offered to grant her wish in exchange for some future favor, which she agreed to. A lifetime later, when Sullas had a husband and children, and had forgotten all about her wish, the fairy came again, and demanded a great sum of money from her. Not because it wanted the money, but because it wanted to see if she could get it. She had one year to get the job done, so Sullas frantically set to work. Faeries will do a lot worse than break your legs if you fail to pay your debts.
  46. Spider Dave: Spider Dave lost an eye years ago, and lets his pet tarantula live in the socket.
  47. Finster Mirman: For crimes that are unspeakable in any language spoken through empty air, Finster was banished from the realms of the sea king. It was thought that he would die of exposure on the shores, but Finster refused to go out so easily. He dragged himself into the woods, where he found a pond. There he made his plan. It wasn’t hard to find humans willing to do his bidding, and through them he constructed a set of land-legs, and a glass helmet of seawater to sustain him.
  48. Rope Burn Tim: A thief and a killer who was tried, and set to be hanged. Then he was hanged, and his neck didn’t snap. For a good minute he struggled at the end of the rope, before the rope broke, and he fell safely to the ground. By law, this was seen as an act of god, and Tim was released. He immediately put together a new gang, and spent awhile terrorizing the community that had tried to kill him. His voice is still hoarse, and his neck still bears the scar. He never took the rope off from around his neck, preferring to wear it as a reminder to his men and to his enemies that he can’t be killed.
  49. Ginny Bo: An older man, well into his twilight years. To look at him, you’d think he was too frail to do the things he’s done. But as he reaches the end of his life, he’s come to believe that all his quiet years of responsibility were a waste. He’s determined to fill his final days with as many adventurous thrills as he can.
  50. Suzera the Slasher, and her Seven Sisters: A group of peasant women who were frustrated by the choice between being a wife and…well, nothing else. Most of them were content just to grouse about it to one another, but Suzera’s the one who got the idea that the group should kill some of the wealthier men in the village, take their money, and abscond out into the wilderness. The band has been wandering around ever since, taking what they need, and killing for money. 
  51. Lord Reggie Windsley the VII: AKA “The Blackguard of Havensforth” Spoiled son of the local lord, Reggie took on the persona of The Blackguard a few years back, and began terrorizing his own lands as a kind of prank. Hundreds of his own subjects have had their lives destroyed, or even been killed, for this childish lark, and Reggie doesn’t have an iota of remorse. 
  52. Bossen Grust: A servant to Folar Est, lord of the lands just to the south of here. Folar sent Bossen north, to weaken his rival’s lands through brigandage. Bossen has taken a real liking to the life, drawing money both through his thievery, and through requests for support back to lord Folar. He’s decided to stick with this life as long as he can, then probably abandon Folar’s service, once the old fool gets wise.
  53. Gin Nolk: A consummate warrior, with complete disdain for any way of life that is not combat-based. She enjoys pillaging farmers, and believes that they deserve it because they are stupid. If they were smart, they’d be warriors. 
  54. Purbo the Brutal: Purbo is lean, and muscular, and completely hairless. His sickly pale skin is covered head-to-toe in tattoos. He walks around naked, save for a belt with his weapons and coin purse hanging form it.
  55. Ferdi Black: Rides on the back of a bear. No one is quite sure how she managed to train a bear to serve as a mount, but it does.
  56. Rattenik: A beefy woman who runs an ostensibly respectable group of caravan guards for hire. Anytime business gets too slow, though, she personally sees to it that every merchant who comes within a 10′ mile radius of town is robbed.
  57. Zurbo the Annihilator: Got his start as a circus performer, who wore colorful masks, and wrestled other performers for the amusement of the crowd. But when you’re as good as Zurbo is, why should you be content with the pennies people pay to see your show? Why not just pin them down and take all their money?
  58. Benito Garveson: Left home 6 years ago to do his mandatory stint in the army. Only made it about halfway there before he lost his nerve. The army is meatgrinder. It sends men to far off lands to get chopped up and die on some forsaken battlefield for no real reason. At some point, Benito just wandered off the road, hoping to lose himself in the woods. He found a cave filled with a trapper’s supplies, and lived off those long enough to get the idea that if he had to be a man of violence, at least he could stick close to home.
  59. Father Routney: Supposedly a priest, disgusted with the godlessness of the world, and “extracting God’s tithe by force.” No word yet from the church on whether Father Routney is an ordained priest, or just a brigand with a collar.
  60. Suzie “Princess” Dulden: A young woman who is shockingly strong, given her waifish appearance. She frequently lures her victims into traps, by putting on a fancy gown, and pretending to be a damsel in distress.
  61. Robolo: As a younger woman, Robolo did something which she refuses to discuss with anyone. Whatever it was, though, would have brought unbearable shame upon her family. To spare them that, she faked her own death, and changed her name. She turned to banditry and mercenary work to stay off the grid, so no one would ever discover the terrible truth. 
  62. Sir Tergio Gault: A decade or so back, a coalition of nobles banded together to revolt against their king. The nobles lost, and were sentenced to death as traitors. Only Sir Tergio Gault managed to escape capture. But with all his lands seized, and a bounty on his head, there’s no work left to him but the life of an outlaw.
  63. Nunak: A massive, muscle-bound woman from the frozen lands of the north. She lives by no laws, and travels the world seeking adventure. Today, she is a mercenary, tomorrow a bandit, the day after a robber of tombs, and always, she is a conqueror.
  64. Kessliger: A clever Kobold, who does his work via traps rather than direct confrontation.
  65. David: A man obsessed with biblical heroes, to the point of renaming himself after his favorite. He has a fetishistic love of the sling as a weapon, and will often launch himself into lengthy monologues about its versatility and elegance. He’s more than a little unhinged.
  66. Hozeron Crous: Once caught a nymph by her toe, and was granted a wish to release her. As a result, anyone working for Hozeron is completely invulnerable to harm. Due to some nymphish trickery, Hozeron herself has no special protection. However, her followers are well aware of this, and will happily leap in front of arrows to protect their leader. After all, the arrow can’t hurt them.
  67. Lucana The Hungry: A woman who ritualistically cannibalizes one of her victims after each job. It’s a purely performative thing, she derives no great pleasure from it, but it makes people respect her, and she likes that.
  68. Tall Sue: ‘Taint got no legs. She rides around on a horse, with a special saddle to help her stay upright and in control.
  69. Bog Boy Jeffy: He’s swamp folk, and his pappy was swamp folk, and his brothers and sisters is swamp folk too. Their home is the deep, fetid places where they will never be found, and where anyone who searches for them will likely die of horrible disease.
  70. Rinny Eyeling: A small woman with an obsessive love of cats. There are more cats in her band than there are people, but despite her compulsive behavior, her followers stick with her because she’s undeniably effective. Outsiders think the cats bring her luck. People who have been with the band for awhile know the real truth: the cats obey her commands.
  71. Zerdia Gabblestan: A young woman, deformed from birth by bulging protrusions of bone, which give her a “lumpy” appearance. They also make her look fearsome, and serve as a kind of natural armor, so that she’s very difficult to harm. She probably won’t live past 40, but she’s intent on using what time she has to take as much wealth for herself as she can.
  72. Lilanio Prussage: Disgusted by the evils of society, and unable to force change through any positive action she ever attempted, Lilanio determined that the only way to make things better was to dedicate her life to making things so much worse that people would be forced to rise up in revolt and demand better lives for themselves.
  73. Bucky The Drunk: A lucky drunk who is in way over his head.
  74. Pustaso Vega: For some fool reason, Pustaso got it into his head that Angelita would love him if only he could prove his boldness. For years now, he’s been charging headlong into danger, and by some mix of charm, luck, and talent, he keeps managing to get out again. In his mind, news of his deeds makes its way back to Angelita, and she’s back home just waiting for him to come and marry her. In reality, she hasn’t heard of, or thought about him in years, and doesn’t really care.
  75. Skello: A very smart skeleton, who wants to free other skeletons from their meat prisons, and make a ton of money doing it. He’s willing to work with meat-jailers to get the job done, if need be.
  76. Higgins: A prim and proper butler to an established and lordly family during the day. A heartless, merciless killer whenever nobody is looking. He has served his noble patrons so long and so faithfully, that he is often trusted with jobs that allow him to work unmolested for weeks or months at a time. 
  77. Crazy Bob Futureman: It’s nearly impossible to take Crazy Bob seriously. He’s a distractable babbler who seems almost incapable of listening to a person for more than 30 seconds before latching on to some random thing they’ve said, and using it as a springboard into his own mad ravings. Crazy Bob is also a skilled diviner, who knows the truth and falsehood of things people say, can speak with plants and animals, locate people and objects at will, and even occasionally see the future. He also knows how to be a violent motherfucker when he needs to be.
  78. Claudio A man who suffers from moderate physical and mental disabilities, which made him the object of derision within his small town. From early childhood, other children were encouraged to treat him like a monster, and the abuse persisted into his adult life. But despite a slowness of speech and a difficulty with reading and writing, Claudio is not an idiot. When it comes to planning and executing acts of theft and violence, he’s actually quiet skilled.
  79. Brandi Marlo A short, athletic, happy-go-lucky young woman who comes from a completely different world. One much more similar to our own world in the year 1985. There are no dragons or magic or boobytrapped dungeons in her world, and she finds what we do a great deal more entertaining. Particularly because anything from our world seems to have a difficult time harming or killing her. She’s a massed a band of followers, and is generally willing to do whatever people will give her money for. She has no moral qualms about hurting us, because she’s not actually convinced that we’re entirely real.
  80. Simple Bartholomew: A jaundiced young man who probably doesn’t have very long to live, though no one has ever been able to figure out quite why. His anger at the inevitable shortness of his own life has led him to become apathetic to the suffering and deaths of others. Everything he does is one big joke to him, and he will typically stage jobs to deliver some sort of existentialist punchline.
  81. Gridin: Though in every way, Gridin acts like a simple brigand out to make as much money as he can, he is actually a devout priest of Kurznak the Chaos God. Gridin’s apparent greed is actually religious devotion, as he attempts to sow as much chaos into the world as he can. All the money he makes personally is donated to the church, to further spread chaos throughout the world.
  82. Ostroggala: Like everyone who lived in her area, when Ostroggala was 15, she visited the local oracle to learn something about her future. For most folks, it was some cryptic nonsense that only made sense after the fact. For Ostroggala, for the first time anyone could remember, it was straightforward: “You will die peacefully in your bed.” So, with the absolute assurance that she would never die a violent death, Ostroggala set out on a life of mercenary adventurism, and banditry.
  83. Dekesh Saum: An escapee from a wealthy merchant’s harem, who led a number of his fellow consorts to freedom. They faced too much prejudice in the outside world to lead any kind of normal life, and so settled on survival by violence.
  84. Wayne Kayle: A vigilante with a warped sense of justice, who believes the poor are only poor because they’re not smart, or good enough to be rich. She punishes the poor for this with her own brand of being ‘smart.’ As in, she takes your shit, and aren’t you a dummy for not being able to stop her?
  85. Pumpanius Drex: Pumpanius and her band don’t really want to live this life. They’d much rather settle down, build some houses, plant some crops, and raise some families. But unless they want to try and live in some of the awful towns in the area (they super don’t), then they’re going to need to settle some new land. And unless they want to go on a years-long, perilous trek across land (they don’t), they’re going to need a ship that can sail them to an empty plot where they can settle. And ships cost money, so they’re going to steal and murder until they’ve got enough. The people around here are assholes anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.
  86. Brettier Sulva: An escaped slave, determined to die rather than go back into servitude. During her escape, she killed several of her “owners,” and as a result there’s a massive bounty for her capture, dead or alive.
  87. An: A woman who’s in way over her head. About a year ago, she was in a tight spot, and used some sleight-of-hand magic to convince some tough guys she was a powerful wizard. One thing led to another, and now she’s leading a band of those tough guys, using smoke and mirrors to keep up appearances. She’s enjoying all the money and respect, but she knows it can’t last, and is a little worried about how she’s going to extricate herself from this mess.
  88. Teguska Dane: A proud old military man, tired of his soft, wastrel grandchildren. Society as a whole has gone soft, as far as he’s concerned, so he’s going to spend the last few precious years of his life living like the old days. Sleeping in muck, and killing men for his pay.
  89. Vera Vateli: A devout, suicidal catholic. She wants to die, but believes wholeheartedly that she will go to hell if she kills herself. Instead, she’s taken up the most dangerous life she could imagine, and hopefully she’ll get killed along the way. Although, much to her frustration, it hasn’t happened yet. Of course, she always pursues targets which she deems somehow sinful, so she can tell herself she’s acting as an instrument of god’s will, rather than just a murderer.
  90. Anthony Caldwell: A doe eyed, green horned, bushy tailed farm boy who has no business being out here doing this nonsense. But as it happens, he’s either got a phenomenal natural talent for it, or he’s just lucky as heck.
  91. Prue Jirard: A puppet, brought to life as an ironic consequence of someone’s poorly considered wish. Feels as though she has no place within society. She puts on a show of being angry and superior, but really she just wants to be loved. 
  92. Timothy Brentwood: Big Jon Jeffy, a notorious outlaw, disappeared without a trace. This was a problem for the local elites, who had spent years covering up their own inadequacies by shifting the people’s focus onto their relentless hunt for Big Jon. Hoping to win some popularity with the mob, they hired Timothy Brentwood, an actor who bore a striking resemblance to Big Jon, to play the role during a mock trial. The plan was that he’d be found guilty, sentenced to a life of hard toil in the silver mines, then quietly released once no one was looking for him any longer. Unfortunately, the plan went awry when Big Jon’s old gang busted Timothy Brentwood out of prison. They think they’ve got Big Jon back, and Timothy is just trying to find out how he can get out of this crazy mess alive.
  93. Jimmy Silver: A jolly fat man who uses the most creative profanity you’ve ever heard. Frequently disguises himself as a beggar so he can bum around towns, listening for information about any juicy scores that might be worth his time.
  94. Kylie Kallgren: A lumberjane with a foul temper. One day, whilst chopping down a tree, a group of wealthy merchants walked by and treated her the way wealthy assholes tend to treat lumber-folk. So she chopped em’ up, threw the bits in the river, and took their stuff. Then she realized that a woman who knows how to swing an axe could make a lot more money killin’ folk than they could choppin’ trees.
  95. Elias Lindsey: A heretical nun, who had a dream that Jesus was a many-tentacled sea creature wearing a man-suit full of water. She’s spread her foul belief to a whole congregation of followers. The Church wants the whole lot of them executed, so they are forced to kill and steal to survive. It’s alright though, because Squid Jesus says the 6th commandment was a typo.
  96. Leisle Mondego: Commander of a local garrison of soldiers. Those soldiers who were forcibly enlisted as punishment for some crime are inducted into her band. If they refuse, they’re executed for ‘desertion.’) She always makes sure to allocate the rest of her forces so nobody is near enough to catch her or her band while they’re in the act.
  97. Daven Schumaker: A mystic who relies on tarot cards to decide when and where to lead his band.
  98. Viktor Hassendorf: A cyberpunk hacker who made some mistakes while attempting to hack a time machine. He got trapped in the past, where none of his technological skills are of any use to him at all. All he’s got is a few combat augmentations, and a healthy disrespect for the integrity of the timeline.
  99. Nathan Weeks: A human with a particular form of dwarfism that not only prevents them from growing taller, but also prevents them from physically maturing in other ways. To whit, despite being 38, Nathan doesn’t look a day older than 11.
  100. Daisy Mills: A woman with multiple personality disorder. Roll on this table several times to determine what her personalities are.

1d100 Payments

giphyMoney may not always be sufficient for the goods or services that the players want. Extraordinary desires can only be satisfied by extraordinary payments.

Not every payment here will be suitable for every situation, so feel free to re-roll if the payment doesn’t fit your needs. On the other hand, don’t be afraid to massage your situation a bit to make an interesting payment type work.

Many of the payments listed below can work on several different levels. For example, if the roll indicates that the creditor wants a pig, that can mean a lot of things. They may want any pig, or they may want some specific pig which they are covetous of. They may want a pig of a certain quality, or the may want to force the indebted to experience what it is like to lose a pig, for some unknowable purpose. My point being: none of the payments should be taken simply as they are written. There is room for a bit of creativity with them.

  1. The indebted character must surrender a pound of flesh to their creditor. They may opt to take the flesh from anywhere they like, but regardless of where it is taken from, it will likely result in some degree of physical disability, determined by the referee. A chunk from a leg might result in slower movement speeds, a chunk from the torso might lower constitution, etc.
  2. The creditor requires the indebted’s soul. The consequences of soul loss must be determined by the referee. A reduced, or no response to clerical magics, a certainty of an unpleasant afterlife, a reduced ability to resist mind-affecting magics…many things might be said to be possible only through the benefit of a soul.
  3. The creditor requires a soul. It does not need to be any particular soul. In most cases, souls must be offered willingly, and the indebted may find themselves offering faustian bargains to others. The referee may also allow some means of forcibly extracting or binding a soul for this purpose. Souls can also be purchased from creatures of the lower planes, though these do not come cheap. Nor will their cost be measured in currency.
  4. The indebted must surrender one of their fingers. Assuming it’s the first one, they can probably get away with just one of their pinkies. There’s no penalty for that! Eventually, though, missing fingers start to add up.
  5. The indebted must endure the removal of one of their eyes as payment. They take a significant penalty to making ranged attacks.
  6. The indebted must be scalped. The process is immensely painful, and a severe shock to the system, reducing the indebted to a mere 1d4 hit points. Their hair never really grows back properly.
  7. 1d4 pints of the indebted’s blood are required. A loss of 1 may be fairly negligible. 2 will be a severe shock to the system. Any more than that will reduce the indebted to 1 hit point, and they will be unable to adventure for 3 or 4 weeks.
  8. The indebted must provide a sample of their reproductive legacy: either an egg, or some of their semen. (In the former case, some means of extraction will need to be provided). Presumably, whomever wants this has a way of making use of it.
  9. The indebted must seek out and retrieve a particular rare plant, which is an essential ingredient in some recipe their creditor wishes to prepare.
  10. The indebted must surrender one of their secrets. Incidental secrets will not do. They cannot reveal their mother’s maiden name, or any other fact which is not known simply because no one cares to know it. The secret provided must be something which would be damaging to the indebted if it became known. One example would be a shameful thing that would ruin the character’s reputation. (Players may opt to create a shameful backstory detail for their character if they wish). Another option is something which the character benefits from exclusive knowledge of: such as a spell or technique, the hiding place of a treasure horde, or even a piece of blackmail the character is using against an NPC.
  11. The indebted must subject themselves to torture, and allow the creditor to extract their suffering from them via a strange apparatus.
  12. The creditor has fallen in love with a particular person, who does not love them back. The indebted must make that person fall in love with their creditor. Or, if all else fails, kidnap that person and bring them to the creditor, who will hold them hostage until Stockholm syndrome sets in.
  13. The indebted must surrender a loved one to their creditor. It’s unclear what happens to this loved one, they may be killed, or enslaved, or experimented on, but regardless of the specifics, they will be taken from their normal life and put to some use deemed appropriate by the creditor. In this instance, not just any person will do. It must be someone the indebted cares deeply about. The creditor may have a means by which to verify this.
  14. The creditor wishes to be paid in slaves. They may come from anywhere, but must be of good quality: strong, attractive, capable, and able to understand a language the creditor speaks. Not so young or so old as to be useless.
  15. The indebted must betray an existing trust, perhaps with a friendly NPC, or a member of the party. There may, or may not be a specific sort of betrayal required, but in either case it must be significant enough to destroy the indebted’s relationship with that person.
  16. The indebted must violate some vow which they had previously taken upon themselves. The vow may be religious, contractual, filial, et al. If the character is not currently subject to such a vow, they may be given the opportunity to go make a vow.
  17. The indebted must gain the trust of a person specified by their creditor. Once they’ve successfully become close with that person, they are obligated to betray them in some specific manner.
  18. The indebted must relinquish their right to seek justice for some wrongdoing. This may be a past wrongdoing–such as the murder of the character’s mother which has driven them to adventure–or it may be a future wrongdoing, anticipated by their creditor. In either case, the indebted cannot pursue either legal or vigilante justice for that specific wrong.
  19. The creditor wants the indebted’s voice. Obviously, once it is taken, the indebted will be unable to speak. Furthermore, the creditor may use their acquired voice in any number of ways.
  20. The Indebted must surrender their first born child. If they already have children, this must be done immediately. If they do not, they may or may not be expected to make an immediate effort to produce a child.
  21. At a future time of the creditor’s choosing, the indebted will be require to take no action. Most likely, the inaction of the indebted will cause some preventable ill to occur.
  22. Credit for one of the indebted’s accomplishments must instead be given to the creditor. It may be a past or a future accomplishment, and the transfer of credit may be either mundane (It was not I who slew the dragon. It was Dave!), or it may be magical (Everybody just remembers that it was Dave who slew the dragon the whole time).
  23. The indebted must surrender all of their weapons to the creditor. It does not matter whether they are special or not, so long as it is every weapon the indebted currently has access to.
  24. The creditor demands a vow of of nonviolence from the indebted, which will last for 1d4 (1-2. Days, 3-5. Weeks, 6. Months).
  25. The indebted must perform an assassination against a target of the creditor’s choosing.
  26. The indebted must agree to become the template for a clone, or group of clones, which will serve the will of their creditor.
  27. The creditor wishes to implant a device in the indebted’s eyes. This device will allow the creditor to record and review anything that the eyes see, for the rest of the indebted’s life.
  28. The creditor requires a new color. This may be as simple as procuring a rare kind of paint, or it may entail visiting other realities where colors exist which remain unimagined by mortal mind.
  29. The debt cannot be resolved until the indebted produces a new kind of music for their creditor. It must be wholly original to the creditor’s experience, which may be more or less difficult depending on the creditor’s musical experience. For some fat king who never leaves his hall, this may be as simple as bringing them folk music, archaic forms of music, or music from a far off land. For more musically experienced creditors, the indebted may need to invent Rock & Roll or something.
  30. The indebted must produce the solution to some mathematical problem. Unless the character is unusually skilled with math, it’s unlikely they will be able to find the solution simply by solving the problem themselves. They will either need to embark on a great mathematical study (Treat as a Math skill starting at 0-in-6, with 1 attempt allowed each time a new point is put into the skill), or they must find someone capable of the task to do it for them.
  31. The indebted must make a vow to uphold some noble ideal (Honesty, Justice, Chivalry, etc.)
  32. The indebted must make a vow to always subvert some noble ideal (Honesty, Justice, Chivalry, etc.)
  33. The creditor wants a spell. If the indebted is a spellcaster, they can simply allow their creditor to copy down one of theirs. If they are not a spellcaster, they will need to acquire a spell elsewhere.
  34. The indebted must sacrifice the lives of one of their companions. They may choose who, so long as it is someone who is currently traveling with them. If needed, they must be willing to assist their creditor in the murder.
  35. The creditor wants the storytelling rights to the indebted’s life. Shortly after this deal is struck, population centers will begin to be flooded with dimestore novels about the indebted’s various experiences and adventures. Enough about the particulars will be changed that no one will believe the Indebted if they try to point this out. If the indebted attempts to share any of their own experiences outside of intimate conversation, they will promptly be sued for infringing on their creditor’s intellectual property.
  36. The indebted must become a thrall to their creditor. The next time they would gain a level in their class, they instead gain a level in the Thrall of [Creditor] class. They gain 1d4 hit points, and must work exclusively to further their creditor’s will until they gain enough money to level up again. Since they will not be paid for their work as a thrall, they will need to hoard money in secret in order to level.
  37. The indebted must provide their creditor with hostages, to be held in security against any future reneging on the agreement between the two.
  38. The indebted must serve as a human subject for some experiment their creditor wishes to perform.
  39. The creditor is currently suffering under a curse, which can only be alleviated if someone (the indebted) accepts that same curse onto themselves.
  40. The indebted must trade bodies with their creditor.
  41. The indebted must trade some of their life, rapidly aging a few years in order to keep their creditor young.
  42. The indebted must surrender one of their senses: (1: Sight, 2: Smell, 3: Hearing, 4: Taste). Once lost, the indebted will no longer be able to perform any actions which require this sense. If their lost ability is restored to them, it will be taken back from whomever is using it, and the indebted will be considered a thief. (Though there may be some way to gain a new sense).
  43. The creditor requires the indebted’s essence! The referee should roll the creditor’s ability scores if they haven’t. Compare these to the scores of the indebted. Randomly pick one score which the creditor has which is lower than the one the indebted has. The creditor wants to switch that score. If the indebted doesn’t have any higher scores, then they have nothing of value to offer the creditor, and cannot do business with them.
  44. The creditor demands some large number of foreskins, collected by the indebted. (Don’t look at me, this shit’s biblical. First Samuel, 18:25).
  45. The indebted must provide a boxed sample of their feces to their creditor. It’s unclear what they do with it, but apparently the indebted got off pretty easily. (Alright…I can’t blame the bible for this one.)
  46. The indebted must carry a message on their creditor’s behalf. The journey will not be easy, and should require at least a little adventuring. If the referee wants to rub a little salt in the wound, the message can be something completely trivial.
  47. The creditor requires a large amount of some specific trade good–flour, sugar, copper, lumber, etc. They will not accept the money required to buy what they need. They want it personally delivered by the indebted.
  48. The creditor requires a large delivery of military equipment. Armor, shields, weapons, enough to outfit a small army at least. They may even require experienced soldiers who can drill up new recruits.
  49. The indebted must deliver a massive quantity of foodstuffs. Quality and variety may vary, depending on the creditor’s requirements. There must be enough to feed a group all through the winter and summer.
  50. The indebted must deliver a map of an area which has not yet been explored, or which is kept secret.
  51. The indebted must never return to some place, ever again. This may be the town or country they are currently in, or some other place: their homeland, the territory of their creditor’s enemies or rivals, the territory of their creditor’s friends, etc.
  52. The indebted must accept the blame for something which is not their fault, allowing themselves to be scapegoated.
  53. The indebted must accept responsibility for some child, raising them as if they were the indebted’s own kin.
  54. The creditor will only accept the currency of some ancient civilization, which has not existed for eons.
  55. The indebted must give up their name. In doing so, any possible connection between their person and that name will be cosmically severed. Any legal documents which reference the indebted–such as deeds or contracts–will be rendered void. The indebted will also lose any reputation they had, as they can no longer be associated with what people have heard about them. They may choose a new name for themselves if they wish.
  56. The indebted must give up their ability to walk. Their legs will be sturdy enough to stand on, but the moment they try to move, they will collapse onto the ground.
  57. The creditor demands a poem, written and performed by the player.
  58. The indebted must vow to perform some great deed in their creditor’s name, eschewing any glory they might win for themselves on that occasion.
  59. The creditor must have an accurate prediction of the future. If the players are clever, they may say something like “the sun will rise tomorrow.” Barring some apocalyptic issue, this sort of answer will be acceptable to the creditor. Players may also attempt to find a reliable fortune teller, which can accomplish the same thing. If the prediction the indebted provides does not come true, their creditor will become angry, and put a price on their head.
  60. The indebted must provide their creditor with a certain value worth of items suitable for a magic lab.
  61. The indebted must seek out a magic staff for their creditor. It may be a specific staff, a specific type of staff, or just any staff in general.
  62. The creditor is a Bonemeister, and only accepts the bones of the indebted as payment. They are an expert at surgically extracting the bones, slicing their creditor open, carefully detaching all of the ligaments, and sewing the incision back up. When they’re done, it will be as if the bones simply teleported out of the indebted’s body, leaving part of them a bit floppy, but otherwise unharmed. Which specific bones the bonemeister requires will be negotiated in advance. The penalties for lacking those bones will be determined by the referee.
  63. The creditor want to be killed, and the indebted must do it. The creditor has wanted to die for a long time, but no one has yet been able to do it. When they are in danger, the creditor turns into a fearsome monster.
  64. The indebted must willingly agree to have an explosive device implanted into their brains. The creditor is happy to offer their services for free, but only if they can ensure that the indebted is incapable of ever working against them in the future.
  65. The creditor wishes to be entertained by a dance, which the player must perform for their group. A vote of the party will determine if the dance was sufficient for whatever purchase is being made.
  66. The indebted must seek out a true story or folk myth, and bring a full recounting of it back to their creditor. The creditor will then turn this story into a novel.
  67. The indebted must keep a steady watch over their creditor’s home for one night, defending it against the evils which will arise.
  68. The indebted must work towards some socially laudable goal within a specified kingdom. Something on the level of establishing gender or racial equality, raising the standard of living for the working class, etc.
  69. The creditor recently promised to grant someone’s wish. The indebted is tasked with ensuring that wish does come true.
  70. In indebted must make their creditor laugh.
  71. The indebted must give up their next critical hit, which will instead be a critical failure. The fortune of the critical hit will be transferred to their creditor.
  72. The indebted must provide a chunk of their brain. Not a big chunk, just a bit the size of a peanut. None the less, losing this chunk removes some knowledge from the indebted. Roll 1d6: (1-3. 1d2 Intelligence, 4-5. 1d2 Wisdom, 6. A point from a randomly determined skill.)
  73. The creditor wants an irreplaceable family heirloom from the indebted. Any object will do, regardless of value, so long as it is precious to its owner (whomever that may be).
  74. The indebted must provide the keys to their home, as well as any future keys which may result from moving or changing locks. The creditor is to have unfettered access to the indebted’s abode.
  75. The creditor wants a document, or other item, which would provide them with some kind of dynastic claim.
  76. The indebted must provide accurate and detailed information on the tactics of an enemy army, or, diagrams for an enemy stronghold or weapon.
  77. The creditor wants a letter of recommendation from the indebted.
  78. The indebted must agree to leave a certain location, person, or group alone. They cannot be pestered, regardless of the indebted’s needs.
  79. The creditor requires sanctuary from the indebted. They must be allowed to live on the indebted’s lands, and be protected from any and all forces which would threaten them.
  80. The indebted must provide a body part from a specific creature which will be difficult to hunt.
  81. The creditor wishes to know the location of an upcoming secret meeting. The indebted must find out, and provide it to their creditor, with enough time for the creditor to make arrangements either to spy on, or to ambush the meeting.
  82. The creditor demands a marriage take place between their family, and the indebted’s.
  83. The indebted must throw a sporting match in which they are favored to win. If they aren’t favored to win in any current sporting matches, they must enter a sport and achieve some note within it before their debt can be paid.
  84. The indebted must infiltrate some specified group and ferret out their secrets for the creditor.
  85. The indebted must find some way to drum up business for their creditor’s business venture.
  86. The indebted must allow their creditor to use their body while they sleep. Each morning, the indebted will awake within 1 mile of where they went to sleep. Sometimes they may have injuries, or be covered in someone else’s blood. They will not know what they did the night before.
  87. The creditor will establish some set amount of time. During that period, some or all of the experience points gained by the indebted will instead be gained by the creditor. To determine how much XP the creditor takes, roll 1d4 and multiply it by 25%.
  88. The indebted must contract a disease, which their creditor may or may not be able to provide. The creditor wishes to examine the progress of this disease in detail.
  89. The indebted must allow their body to host some parasite, which will constantly make suggestions within their brain, and may potentially even be able to influence their actions more directly.
  90. The indebted must offer themselves as host to a spirit. While possessed, they will be able to see what their body is doing, but will have no control over it. The possession will last until the spirit has finished what it left undone in life. What that is, is left to the referee to decide.
  91. The creditor wants 1d2 limbs from the indebted. They are prepared to safely remove these limbs, which they may attach to themselves, or use for some other insidious purpose. If only 1 limb is required, it may be either an arm or a leg at the referee’s preference. If 2 are required, it will be both one arm, and one leg.
  92. Someone the creditor cares about (perhaps even themselves) requires an organ transplant. Something which the body has two of, and which the indebted can live without. Something like a lung, or a bit of liver. The indebted has been determined to be a match for whomever needs this bit of guts, and must undergo the procedure to have it removed.
  93. The creditor is facing an issue in their lives, and needs someone to provide them with good advice. Whether the advice is good depends on how well their situation turns out when they follow it.
  94. The creditor requires that the indebted make a lifebond with them. Whenever the creditor takes damage, they will be healed by draining vitality from the indebted. Fortunately, the creditor lives a simple life. Anytime the indebted would be healed up to full, they instead are 1d6 – 2 hit points lower than their max.
  95. The indebted must donate their body to necromancy. The creditor will place a vile mark upon their body. When they die, the mark will automatically animate their body, which will then move with all haste to the creditor, so that it may be used in necromantic rituals. This prevents the indebted from ever being resurrected if they die.
  96. The indebted must perform a sacrilege, offending some certain god against which their creditor has enmity.
  97. The indebted must humiliate themselves in some fashion. In some cases this may merely be for the private enjoyment of their creditor. However, in most cases, their humiliation will need to be a public spectacle, severely damaging their reputation.
  98. The creditor, or someone whom the creditor likes, is currently due some punishment. The indebted must suffer this punishment in that person’s place. This may mean time spent in the pillory or dungeon, it may be torture, military service, or possibly even death. 
  99. The indebted must lie to someone who will trust them, misleading that person into making a bad decision, or thinking an issue has been taken care of when it actually hasn’t.
  100. The creditor is in a wonderful mood today, and will forgo any payment from the indebted. The simple act of helping is enough satisfaction for them.

As a closing note, I just want to point out that this is the single most challenging d100 table I’ve ever written. I’ve been tinkering with it on-and-off since early 2016. I don’t know if the time investment paid off, but if you like the amount of work I put into these posts, consider supporting me on Patreon. It goes a long way towards helping my writing along.

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