D&D Christmas Carols: Hark! I Am a Hireling

I found these old cards at a thrift store a few years back, and sent out the very last of them this year. Inside it says “I hope yule log on for the holidays,” which is just delightfully corny. In the ’90s I would have found it gauche, but with 30 years of hindsight it charms me.

I’m fond of Christmas, and if you are as well, then I hope you’re having a very merry morning today! And for everyone else, I hope you’re also having a merry morning for reasons entirely separate from the holiday.

As is tradition on this day, I’ve crafted a song for you to cringe at! This year I’ve taken the melody of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,” and replaced the lyrics with a little story from the perspective of a hireling. One that I think reflects a common experience for these ill-fated NPCs in many OSR games. Sadly, neither my singing voice nor my dance moves have improved at all over the years. (Perhaps one day of practice each year is not enough?) I’m pretty happy with these lyrics, though. Fr fr. No cap. ^_^

If you’re a new reader, this is the ninth time I’ve done this, so there’s a significant back-catalogue of songs by now.

This year I’ve also discovered that’s it’s fairly affordable to license background music when you’re using public domain melodies on small personal projects. My respect to Ben Dransfield of bdProductions for performing the music and making it available royalty free for just a few bucks.

Hark! I Am a Hireling — Lyrics

Mom don’t fret about a thing,
I am now a hireling.
Holding torches, hauling loot,
no doubt gen’rous tips to boot.
Orcs looking at us cock-eyed.
“Where should noncombatants hide?”
Dagger shoved into my hand:
“Fight or Die” is the command.

Mom don’t fret about a thing,
I am now a hireling.

Dungeon law is sink or swim.
Fate for those who fail is grim.
“What contract?” the boss man asks,
“want to find your own way back?”
Traps rend comrades to my right,
on our left the skel’tons fight.
Treasure found: from gold is wrought;
wage in copper been forgot.

Mom pray for my homecoming,
life’s bad for a hireling.

Pressing onward caution thrown,
gold lust in the bosses’ bones.
Spy a flagstone raised slightly.
Press my lips shut tightly.
Lancing fire and scything blade!
Boss-man skewered and sauteed!
With his helm atop my head,
no more will we be misled.

Mom I bring wealth fit for kings,
I’m no more a hireling.

D&D Christmas Carols: O Lantern Light

A Merry Christmas to all my fellow celebrants! To everyone else: I hope this Saturday finds you well. As is tradition on this blog, I’ve spent the last couple weeks hammering out some D&D-inspired lyrics to an old Christmas caroling standard. My singing voice has not improved, but I think I’m gradually developing a better sense of rhyme and meter during these annual songwriting exercises.

If you’re a new reader, this is the eighth time I’ve done this, so there’s quite a back catalogue of songs by now.

I wasn’t able to fit in a backing track for the melody this year. Apparently the second verse of the song isn’t a refrain, despite having a completely different structure from every other verse? I wanted to use it as a refrain, which means we’re stuck with an acapella performance this year.

O Lantern Light — Lyrics

O Lantern Light, shining in search of plunder.
A tool for folk accustomed to the sun.
A beacon, too, for beasts of ter’ble hunger
lurking near ’til there’s no chance to run.
A joyous cry of hunger to be sated.
Your human meat will make an ogre’s feast!

(Refrain)

Try to parley,
cajole, flatter, inveigle!
Oh talk for your life!
Chat them up, or else you die.
Oh talk for your life,
talk for your life!

Deep down beneath a long-dead wizard’s tower
eyes alight with a greedy glint of green.
Kick down a door searching for magic power,
or things that shine with a golden treasure sheen.
Instead you find a lot—a lot—of goblins.
Ten thousand more than you could hope to fight!

(Refrain)

Far far from home chasing a treasure rumor:
a piled heap where a dragon could sit.
One rests there now, fate has a sense of humor,
as does the thief, who insists she can stealth it.
The heap disturbed, the dragon quickly wakens.
The thief proclaims you as the cleaning crew!

(Refrain)

D&D Christmas Carols: Away in a Dungeon

Good morning! Health and happiness to everyone this fine Friday, and an extra Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it. It is time once again for me to fulfill my part of the Faustian pact I made with The Red Beast of the North. In exchange for the occasional magical nudge to my die rolls, I must annually humiliate myself by writing and performing a song about D&D, sung to the tune of some Christmas carol or other.

If you’re new to reading Papers & Pencils, be advised that this particular tradition is now in its seventh year. There’s a whole playlist of these for you to mock, each one with even worse singing than the next!

This year I wanted to give the Magic User some attention. I love Magic Users. I love how few spells they get, how fragile they are, and how little control they have over their mystic repertoire. I particularly love calling them “Magic Users,” which is so much more appropriate than the grandiose sounding “Wizard” or “Sorcerer” favored by later iterations of the rules. It is the first class I ever played in an OSR-style game, and one which helped me better understand what I want out of play.

If anyone needed more evidence of how slipshod this whole operation is, by the by, know that I didn’t realize how short Away in a Manger is before I had fully committed myself both to that melody and the song’s narrative thread. I really wanted to fit a denouement in there, but that would have required a modicum of planning, which is against the rules of my previously mentioned Faustian bargain.

Away in a Dungeon – Lyrics

Away in a dungeon, amid a pell mell,
a young magic user has only one spell.
Now lost to her comrades, she clings to torchlight,
while searching for help in the dark dungeon night.

What good is ‘Hold Portal’ to a fledgling mage?
Why must she roll for spells in this day and age?
Her grumbling and grousing alerted a Graw,
who offered her “safety” within its sharp maw.

Praying for a refuge, through dungeon she fled.
To dart through a doorway–plans sparked in her head!
One spell released deftly with Graw on her heel,
knocked low by a door held with mystical zeal.

D&D Christmas Carols: O Little Keep on Borderlands

Merry Christmas everyone who celebrates, and a good Wednesday to those who don’t! Once more I come before you to satisfy my seasonal humiliation kink by writing D&D lyrics for some old Christmas standard, and performing it for all to see. At least this year I spared ya’ll from seeing my ugly mug!

I spent six months running B2 – Keep on the Borderlands this year, and it has been very much on my mind. Pretty much as soon as the thought of doing this song appeared in my mind, I was committed to retelling some part of the adventures we had there via the Christmas Carol medium.

If this is your first time seeing me go crazy for the holidays, then you’re in for a rude awakening treat! I’ve done this FIVE TIMES before.

Lyrics

O little keep on borderlands
atop your craggy hill.
The castellan protects these lands
from those with evil will.
Yet in the caves there lurketh
a force of dan'grous might:
both goblin horde, and orcish sword,
and worse lurk in the night!
 A ragged band of wastrel youth
with dreams of looted golds
pack salted pork and sharp pitchforks
to stick in yon kobolds.
A kindly cleric offers
to lend his holy spells.
The prep is done, time for some fun!
Set out through wood and dell!
 Some random battles fought and won.
Here now: the grim ravine!
The Chaos Caves, and foes most grave
surround our derring team.
A choice is made at random.
An ogre’s found inside.
Tolls must be paid, or men be flayed.
They flee with wounded pride.
 The friendly priest assures the band
this next cave will be fine.
It’s quiet here, the coast is clear
in Chaos’ evil shrine.
The light soon fades behind them.
They hear an undead sound.
That priest plays tricks. Pass 3d6
for rerolls all around!

D&D Christmas Carols: Here Comes an Owl Bear

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it! I hope you’ve had a lovely morning because it’s time for my annual humiliation. I think the lyrics came together real well this year. I’m either getting the hang of this, or I’m hitting that first Dunning Kruger peak. You be the judge.

The video is also somewhat competently put together this year. I don’t edit video frequently enough to justify pricey editing software, and in the past I’ve really struggled to figure out even a marginally consistent workflow with free software. This year I started using Lightworks, which is a messy pain in the ass piece of software, but is reasonably usable and consistent compared to every other free video editor I’ve used.

Of course, I still blow the levels on the audio a bit. Also the Nikon D300S that I use for my day job as a professional-ass photographer is remarkably shitty at capturing video. Let’s call it part of the charm. Yeah. My videos have an intentional “bad video” aesthetic. That’s it. If you don’t like it, it’s just because you don’t get it.

ALSO! If you’re interested, I set up a whole playlist for all five of the D&D Christmas Carols I’ve made so far.


Lyrics

Here comes an owl bear, here comes an owl bear
Right down the dungeon lane
Two claw attacks n’ a nasty beak
That’ll leave you feelin’ maimed
Hooting Horrors howl with hunger
It’s a terrible plight
Draw your sword and say your prayers
‘Cause the owl bear wants a bite
Here comes a b’holder, here comes a b’holder
Right down the dungeon lane
Stalks of Eyes with evil surprise
Like an anti magic ray!
Round and floaty greedy tyrant
braggadocios bore
Hurry up and stab that thing
Oops it was a Gas Spore
Here comes a pudding, here comes a pudding
right down the dungeon lane
Goopy, drippy, thick and sticky
Boy they are such a pain
Can’t be chopped or stabbed or kicked
That would only make more
Better wake the wizard up
‘Cause we need a spell or four
Here comes a dragon, here comes a dragon
Right down the dungeon lane
Color-coded treasure hoarder
famously too vain
Make a save vers. dragon’s breath
Hope your dice roll high
Best prep well if you want that gold
and you do not want to die

D&D Christmas Carols: Silent Thief, Greedy Thief

For those who don’t know, every Christmas I make a fool of myself by writing and performing a D&D Christmas Carol. It all started back in 2012 with “Dark Lord Wenceslaus,” which I followed up in 2015 with “Damage Dice the Ref Rolled High.” That’s when I decided to make a tradition of it, so in 2016 there was “Searching for Silver and Gold,” (ironically, not to the tune of “Silver and Gold.”) and now, this year, there is “Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.”

Now, if you’ve listened to any of these, you know full well that I am not a singer. (Nor am I much of a songwriter, but that’s neither here nor there). This year, though, I developed a terribly persistent, phlegmy cough on November 30th, and as I type this on December 19th, I’m still coughing. That’s why there haven’t been many episodes of Blogs on Tape lately, and its’ also why I’m struggling to get through this song.

But this exercise has never been about producing high quality music. It’s just a fun little thing I do to get myself into the Christmas spirit, and exercise some creative muscles that I don’t  normally get to play with.

So enjoy the song, and from all of me to all of you: I wish you well. Whether Christmas is your jam or not, I hope you find some joy today.

Lyrics

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
All is yours, in your sight.
Cleric’s potions, Fighter’s coin,
Wizard’s wands your fav’rite toy.
Picking pockets is easy,
when your friends are sleeping.

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
Dungeon halls in torchlight.
Check for traps; one. Nothing’s here.
From the ceiling poison darts appear.
Make your saving throw.
Pray you don’t roll low.

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
You can climb any wall.
Stupid players think others can’t,
just because the rules say you can.
Handholds are for weaklings,
that is all this rule means.

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
Afterthought of a class.
Genre staple for many years,
not ’til Greyhawk did you appear.
Since then always in vogue.
These days they call you a rogue.

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
Skirting fights is your right.
Foes are there for fighters to face.
Help from you would be a disgrace.
Just get in one backstab,
to justify your loot bag.

D&D Christmas Carols: Searching for Silver and Gold

Remember last year when I wrote & performed a D&D themed Christmas song called “Damage Dice the Ref Rolled High?” Remember when I said I wanted to make it a yearly tradition to write & perform a D&D Christmas song each year.

Well I did you one better. I wrote a D&D Christmas song, then I found someone with actual ability to do the singing part! This one is to the melody of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” and is performed by my sister, Olivia Whelan.

Searching for Silver and Gold

Lyrics:


Look here my goodly gentlefolk
This map won’t lead astray.
A path to fame and fortune,
It can be yours today.
The journey will be perilous,
But you will be okay.

[Refrain]
O searching for silver and gold.
Silver and gold.
O searching for silver and gold.

With dreams of future glo-ory
A band began to form.
Comrades with nothing else to lose
Swore to brave any storm.
A Thief, a Witch, a Farming Boy;
Left Homes both safe and warm.
[Refrain]

The Bloodwood lay ahead of them,
Each feigned to have no fear.
The warnings of their mo-others
Were ringing in their ears.
All knew within the forest dark
The serpent would appear.
[Refrain]

It came upon them quietly,
Just as the stories said.
A cry rose from the farming boy,
One bite took off his head.
The witch invoked a sleeping hex.
Now two left, frightened, fled.
[Refrain]

Before them lay the gra-ave yard
As far as they could see.
Inward swung the iron gate
Shedding rusted debris.
Passing between the marker stones
They made grim repartee.
[Refrain]

Sleeping among the grassy mounds,
A day’s march from the gate.
Here the ghoul stumbled over them
With hungers yet to sate.
The witch awoke and raised a cry
The thief’s blade was not late.
[Refrain]

Fin’ly the lake shore beckoned them,
The goal of all their strife.
The witch would breath upon the shore,
One lung to keep each life.
The thief dove into the cold dark,
Teeth clamped around her knife
[Refrain]

The Sun’s light far behind her now,
A sight near broke her will.
A faceless mass with glowing skin,
And wicked, waiting quills.
Beneath the thing she saw their chest.
Her task she would fulfill.
[Refrain]

With shroud of dark to cover her,
Through water the thief creeped.
But eyeless it still spotted her,
Foul barbs cut her breast deep.
With flailing hand she snatched the chest,
To surface quickly leaped.
[Refrain]

Sensing that the beast followed her,
The thief scrambled for shore.
Ran to her love with chest in hand,
Not knowing what’s in store.
The barb that had been meant for her,
The witch’s lung did gore.
[Refrain]

Far from the graves, she buried her.
Too good for that foul place.
The fortune bought cheap pleasures,
But could never erase
The loss of one whom she had loved.
The thief died in disgrace.
[Refrain]


To all who celebrate it, I hope you’re enjoying your Christmas, and that this brightened your day. As a little bonus, here’s a supercut of all the times Olivia fucked up:

And for those of you looking for one more tragedy that can be attributed to the 2016 meme, here’s me singing the song. Because I wanted a record of it, and I enjoy blowing audio levels.

D&D Christmas Carols: Damage Dice the Ref Rolled High

I have made a terrible mistake.

See, for Christmas of 2012, I rewrote the lyrics to Good King Wenceslaus, and performed the rewritten song in a YouTube video. I am not a performer, a singer, a lyricist, or a musician of any kind. Occasionally I go back and watch that video, and it’s a struggle every time. I am deeply embarrassed by every aspect of it. The performing arts are really not for me.

BUT, despite the deep shame that video causes me, it was a fuckton of fun to make. I’m always making up little songs and singing them at people as a joke. And taking it somewhat seriously, really trying to come up with interesting and consistent lyrics for a song that I love, was a fun project. And even sitting down to sing it was fun.

AND, this Christmas I’ve been thinking about how I’d really like to start establishing some traditions for myself. Things I do every year to get me in the spirit of things.

And, well…what Christmas tradition isn’t embarrassing, really?

At least this time I have the excuse of saying I wrote the whole thing in an hour and a half, unlike the lyrics for Dark Lord Wenceslaus, which took at least a week.

(To the tune of “Angels We Have Heard On High”)

Damage dice the ref rolled high,
causing PCs endless pain.
And the monster’s black-hole eye,
driving all of them insane.

(Refrain) x2
Ma-a-a-ake your save, Ma-a-ake your save, Ma-a-ake your saving throw. Or die in the dungeon.

Thief, please find what traps there be,
that our lives you may prolong.
What’s that colored gas I see?
Where’d that flick’ring flame come from?

Rise the horrors from below,
Hung’ring for soft player meat.
Plate armor won’t help you though,
Level drained in a heartbeat.

Down the cor’dor PCs creep
Trespassing a wizard’s home.
Conj’ring spells from hell-mouths deep,
Punishment from out her tome.

D&D Christmas Carols: Dark Lord Wenceslaus

This requires some explanation.

Much as I’d love to devote all of my attention to creative endeavors, I, like most other college dropouts turned artist, have a day job. Not the worst one in the world, but one that I find to be largely menial and uninteresting. Part of this job involves spending a lot of time in a warehouse, alone. I don’t mind the solitude–and in fact I quite like it. It allows me time to think which I might not otherwise find on a busy day. Many of the posts here on Papers and Pencils were conceived while talking to myself as I herd boxes.

Earlier this month, as I often do, I was alternating between humming and singing. This particular day, I was humming my favorite Christmas song: Good King Wenceslaus. It’s a great song which a lot of people, surprisingly, have never heard. Unfortunately, I only knew the first verse of the song, and I wasn’t even sure I had all the words to that right. So at my first opportunity, I printed a copy of the lyrics off the Internet, and began to teach myself the song.

Since committing the entire song to memory, I’ve sung it a lot. A lot. I’ve been telling people that my girlfriend is visiting her parents for Christmas right now, but in truth she said she needed to get away from my constant recitation of that damned song. And as with anything, if you repeat it enough, it starts to sound weird. About a week ago, the way I sang the first line; “Good king Wenceslaus looked down,” placed an unusual amount of emphasis on the “Good.” Doing so made it sound as though this was the good King Wenceslaus. As opposed to the not good one.

The idea tickled my fancy. On the spot I began to compose “Bad King Wenceslaus.”

You may wish to turn back now.

I’m going to warn you: a girl I liked once told me I had a nice singing voice. And despite the fact that no one who wasn’t trying to get into my pants has ever agreed with her, I still have a completely unjustified confidence in my singing ability. Flee while you can.