If I haven’t made this clear before, I’m a huge fan of 4chan’s “Traditional Games” forum. This makes me something of an oddity on the “respectable Internet.” The general consensus is that everything on 4chan is awful, and saying anything positive about it makes you a bad person. As is often the case, the general consensus on this matter is drawn from ignorance. Not only does it overlook that many of the cute and harmless Internet jokes everyone is so fond of originate there. But it is most often informed by an encounter with /b/. And while /b/tards may be the most numerous of 4chan’s contributors, I’m a fa/tg/uy. And I’m proud of that. But defending 4chan’s non-/b/ subforums isn’t the purpose of this post.
About two years ago I participated in a thread on /tg/ which forged the most horrible magical item any GM has ever concocted. A wicked cursed dagger so ghastly in nature that I honestly hesitated to post about it. It’s not an item any civilized GM would include in a game. Its value lies in how amusingly vile it is. We called it: The Womb Dagger. It was created in a generic thread about cursed items [Very mildly NSFW link]. You can view the entire discussion if you like–there are some gems in there. But here is the full write up which I put down on paper once the thread was completed.
I would like to make clear that I am not responsible for creating the majority of this. I merely sorted all my favorite ideas together, then made a nice write-up. I would also like to add, in all seriousness, that this item may be offensive to some readers. If sexual elements in role playing games bother you, you may not wish to read further.
Aura Overwhelming Transmutation; CL 28th
Slot none; Weight 2lb.
The dreaded Womb Dagger is a cursed minor artifact created by a long forgotten god of trickery and balance. Most of the few womb daggers are very plain, though a few are adorned with ornate carvings. All Womb Daggers are +6 Keen weapons. However, the true wonder–and horror–of the item is obscured from identification with spells.
When a woman uses the dagger to kill a creature of any type capable of sexual reproduction, the wielder becomes pregnant with the (now dead) creature’s offspring. If the character is already pregnant and kills with the dagger, then immediately after giving birth she will become pregnant again. Each killed creature is added to her ‘queue.’ Creatures are born as halfbreeds, half the DNA of the killed party, and half the DNA of the killer. In some cases this can cause odd creatures to be created, since not all species would normally be genetically compatible.
The dagger wielder can never harm the child in any significant way, but will always recover fully from any injuries relating from pregnancy and birth. In such cases where such injuries may be extreme, such as with hill giant or draconic children, this can be a lifesaving feature of the dagger. The woman’s children are strongly predisposed to be quite fond of their mother, and will remain with her as companions throughout her life, barring any extenuating circumstances.
If a woman’s queue becomes large enough, she will begin to bear young in ‘litters’ to avoid an endless repetition of pregnancies after clearing two or three dungeons.
If the dagger is wielded by a man, then any time he kills a creature of any type capable of sexual reproduction, he will “carry” that creature’s genetic legacy with him. The next time the male dagger wielder has sexual contact, he will have a 100% fertility rate, negating the use of any preventative measures. Men will maintain a queue of waiting young much like their female counterparts will, though they will only ever pass children along one at a time.
So long as a man wielding the Womb Dagger has a queue of children waiting to be passed on, he will find that he is irresistible to women. Heterosexual women passing within [10 * # of children in queue] feet of him must succeed on a DC: 16 will save or make aggressive advances on him. These women will suffer the same pregnancy and birth related oddities experienced by women who kill with the dagger. This includes their young having a lasting fondness for them. However, that fondness will be overwhelmed by a deep hatred of their father. Most often, these children will leave their mothers once they reach adulthood, and attempt to hunt down and murder their father.